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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think you would have been just as happy in life if you didn't have children?

285 replies

merrynelly · 27/04/2021 22:27

I always thought I wouldn't be truly happy in life if I didn't have children. I am absolutely obsessed with my baby and would do absolutely anything for him. He gives my life so much meaning and purpose. However I do now feel that actually, I could've still been really happy had I not had my baby. That being said I am confident I am happier for having him.

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 29/04/2021 17:03

I’m not sure. I think I would have been just as happy had I delayed having children by ten years, but I can’t imagine myself without at least one now I have three.

MadMadMadamMim · 29/04/2021 17:03

I always wanted children. If I hadn't had any, then I suspect I'd have felt cheated and empty and as though there was a hole in my life.

However, from the reality of having actually had children, who are now mostly grown up, if I'm honest I'd have probably been better off and more content without them. They have been an expensive worry. And I'm not as maternal as I thought I'd be.

Unfortunately there is no way of telling your younger self this.

Vargas · 29/04/2021 17:09

No. I wanted children from when I was late teens and would have been devastated not to have any.

Anniewilkes1 · 29/04/2021 17:11

I would have been much happier.

I had my eldest when I was 19. She's profoundly disabled and it has ruined my life in many ways.

FakeFruitShoot · 29/04/2021 17:11

I would have been desperately unhappy without children.

I count my blessings every single day that I was able to have roughly the number of kids I wanted, roughly when I wanted.

"Just because my dreams are not the same as yours doesn't mean they're not important." (From Little Women)

It was 100% my dream in life to have children. I have other aims and ambitions of course, but having each of my children was an active desire for me.

INeedtobealone · 29/04/2021 17:12

I think I would have been happy without children, dh and I were certainly very happy before we had DS. However, we were aware we might not have been able to have children at all or it would be very difficult so that may have clouded my view if it had been a position we didn't choose.

DS is nearly 5 and it hasn't been easy, I've certainly had various periods of his life where I have thought 'what have I done!'. Awful birth, PND, sleep deprivation plus worries about SEN, he has a speech and language delay. The relentless and responsibility means I'm not sure I'll ever be truest relaxed ever again!

However, at this moment, life is the best/most settled it's been since he was born, we are all happy and DS is a joy. I'm excited for the years to come, hopefully he'll be a pleasant teenager too!

Wytnc2018 · 29/04/2021 17:32

Love my DC but in some ways, I live a less me/authentic life. I feel quite a lot of pressure to provide them with a fairly conventional life which isn't me at all. So yes am happy that I have them but in some ways, I long for days when I could live a happier and more carefree existence that was more me. now it's all about having to live in the right house, safe neighbourhood, making friends with their friends' parents, buying the right stuff, doing the right stuff etc..... DH and I just dont care about any of this stuff but do it for the kids - so we are both happier but also less happy as individuals

RampantIvy · 29/04/2021 17:41

No. I wanted children from when I was late teens and would have been devastated not to have any.

I wonder what it is that makes most women yearn for children and many not bothered?

Hormones?

I have never felt broody or maternal in my life, yet I love DD to bits and would fight tooth and nail for her.

DD is nearly 21 and really dislikes babies and small children. She hates the noise and the demands that they make. She doesn't mind older children - she was a young leader at Brownies for three years, but she is adamant that she never, ever wants children.

Wytnc2018 · 29/04/2021 17:51

@RampantIvy i wonder that too as i have never felt maternal prior to having kids. literally dont understand what that would be like. it's weird as everyone talks about it but i dont know what they mean.

MeadowHay · 29/04/2021 17:55

No, because I really wanted children. I think without them I'd have been forever gutted about it, or at least for a very long time, I would imagine I'd have found it difficult to come to terms with not having them. Having said that, I only felt I could even envision having any once me and DH had been steady for awhile. So perhaps if I hadn't have met him/met anyone then maybe I would have been happy without kids, if I was single or with someone else or perhaps with someone else who didn't want kids, who knows.

LynetteScavo · 29/04/2021 17:58

I was perfectly happy before I had children, but I've always known I wanted children. Since I was a preschool child I've been baby obsessed. If I hadn't had children I would have been very unhappy. One would have been enough, and although I would have wanted more I would have coped. But having none would have been very painful. I would have wanted to adopt if I couldn't have biological children. Now they're teens I wish I could re-live their younger years. I can't wait to be a grandma Grin

Weeedonkey · 29/04/2021 18:00

@RampantIvy

No. I wanted children from when I was late teens and would have been devastated not to have any.

I wonder what it is that makes most women yearn for children and many not bothered?

Hormones?

I have never felt broody or maternal in my life, yet I love DD to bits and would fight tooth and nail for her.

DD is nearly 21 and really dislikes babies and small children. She hates the noise and the demands that they make. She doesn't mind older children - she was a young leader at Brownies for three years, but she is adamant that she never, ever wants children.

I think people just look for happiness in different places, some people rely on children to provide that happiness, some don’t and look to other people/things.

Either is valid.

I don’t know what makes you feel one way or the other though. My life will have meaning whether I have children or not, I definitely wouldn’t want to define my life by whether I do or not.

RampantIvy · 29/04/2021 18:08

My life will have meaning whether I have children or not, I definitely wouldn’t want to define my life by whether I do or not.

I agree with you on this

toconclude · 29/04/2021 18:12

Yes. But probably divorced.

toconclude · 29/04/2021 18:16

@Anniewilkes1

I would have been much happier.

I had my eldest when I was 19. She's profoundly disabled and it has ruined my life in many ways.

Hugs. A brave response and an honest one, although you may get the professional SEN 'Welcome to Holland' ( welcome to a shite poem) mothers having a go. It's bloody hard.
Ohnomoreno · 29/04/2021 18:29

@Shinesun14 that's a really cool life story. Seems like there are lots of benefits to doing it all in reverse order! I'm 43 with a 3 year old and just daydreaming with silly envy at the idea of you having your own life back at 37!

Shinesun14 · 30/04/2021 09:38

@Ohnomoreno thanks! To be honest yes there is on my part - your body goes straight back to normal after birth, my boobs aren't saggy, and I'll get my life back at 37!

On my dcs part - I had to grow up alongside them growing up, I didnt drive until mid twenties, we didn't have a lot of money and I feel that if I had dc now I would have been a better and less selfish mum then what I was when I was younger as I made them do a lot for themselves.. but then they're really well rounded teenagers who like spending time with me as well as their own friends and activities so I haven't done a bad job!

I did miss out on girls holidays and being able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. I wouldn't want the same for my dd, I'd rather she enjoyed her twenties and thirties before having dc.

steppemum · 30/04/2021 09:46

love my kids, don't regret them for a second.
But they have brought a lot of stress as well as love.

I always wanted kids and would have felt sad to have never had any, but I didn't have my first until I was 35. I didn't meet dh until I was 30. Before I met him, I had come to peace with the fact that I might never get married and have kids, and instead planned to live an interesting life, and live it to the full.

So I know that if I hadn't met dh, I would have had a great life, but a very different one.

steppemum · 30/04/2021 09:53

@Anniewilkes1

I would have been much happier.

I had my eldest when I was 19. She's profoundly disabled and it has ruined my life in many ways.

Thank you for your honesty. I think we don't allow people to say this, and we should.

Mothers of disabled children suddenly get handed a life that they didn't choose and can't leave.

I remember an acquaintance of mine finally collapsing with burnout when her son was 21. He was a wheelchair user and a difficult teenager. She had great support from both sets of parents and dh and they had younger children. But I just hadn't thought through until that moment that every single morning and evening one of them had to get him up and get him to bed. He was an angry stroppy teen and often insisted it was Mum. He also did not want to go to bed until HE wanted to (often 1 am) and so it was always a battle.

My ds is the same age and I suddenly had this vision of my ds, and how it would be if I had to undress him and put him to bed and he couldn't be independant and just how difficult it would be.

And there was no end in sight, and he was 21.

Ohnomoreno · 30/04/2021 10:34

@Shinesun14 you sound like a great mum to me! I'm bloody crap as I can't cope with the tiredness and feel like I'm angry all the time. Ah well, there's no perfect life I guess!

NewMinouMinou · 01/05/2021 00:20

My DS is the love of my life, DD is DP’s and together we muddle through pretty well.
My life would have been a bit more exotic without them, but for what? For just me and DP? Feels a bit solipsistic to me because I always wanted to have kids to provide for and to turn into decent human beings.
If you don’t want children, then you don’t and you shouldn’t feel bad. I think that we need, as a species, some people who don’t have kids so they can stand in/take on orphans/write symphonies etc while the rest of us are changing bums and chasing SENCOs.

Everythingfromhome · 01/05/2021 07:09

Yes, but I'm a man and we don't get the biological yearning.

I would be single as well, as there was no way my partner was going to have children.

The absence of responsibility and the ability to go on decent, stress free holidays would be amazing.

Orangebug · 01/05/2021 08:12

@Everythingfromhome from an evolutionary perspective, how can that be true?

Babdoc · 01/05/2021 08:19

I don’t think I would still be here, without my children. When DH died at 36, leaving me with two babies, I was suicidal.
As an anaesthetist, I had access to the drugs I would need, and I had planned the timing during the staff coffee break, so it would be too late to resuscitate me by the time they came back into theatre and found me.
The kids were the only thing that kept me going - I hesitated at the thought of leaving them orphaned.
DH was the love of my life, and I still grieve him, 30 years later. Those 30 years, without the consolation of my DC, would have been unendurable.

sunshinesontv · 01/05/2021 08:53

No. All four of mine are grown up now and they are my favourite people in all the world. I am single, and they all include me in their family life. Two of them live nearby. If I imagine my life without them, it wouldn't be anywhere near as happy.

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