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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you stay at someones house for a week

194 replies

Visitingneveragain · 27/04/2021 19:07

You should at least chip in with everyday things like, loading dishwasher, cooking, clearing the table etc?

And if there is a reason you don’t surface before mid day, you should check thats ok with hosts, before coming?

To clarify, this was pre-lockdown and visitors have asked to stay again?🤨

OP posts:
Penchantforfloralpatterns · 27/04/2021 21:29

I suppose answers will differ on the definition of “guest” , for the few people I’m happy to have in my home it’s more “ I was thinking of coming to visit in three weeks, are you free that weekend”, it’s very casual.

Original poster
Visitingneveragain · 27/04/2021 21:30

Apologies for my lack of quotation marks, short answers, making people feeling they are pulling teeth etcGrin

OP posts:
BokehBabe · 27/04/2021 21:41

Did they travel several hundreds or thousands of miles to visit you? Are they jetlagged? Jetlagged at dealing with their own toddler in an unfamiliar environment? Context is needed here.

Standrewsschool · 27/04/2021 21:42

I wouldn’t expect someone to help with cooking or to put things in the dishwasher. I also wouldn’t expect them to necessarily offer to pay for food if I did a mid-week shop. If people come to stay, they are guests, and I’m the host.

It’s nice if they offer, but not essential.

Saying that, I wouldn’t wait on them hand and foot.

Eddielzzard · 27/04/2021 21:44

Given it's your DH skivvying around after his parents, I'd leave him to it. Can see why they're annoying. This would annoy me too, but anything about iL's annoy me.

TimeToGoOut · 27/04/2021 21:45

We hosted a lot pre-covid and it's all about clear communication and setting expectations. If you're not doing this then YABU.

Asking for 'help' isn't sufficient - you need to be clear what help you'd like. There's nothing worse than staying somewhere as a guest where it always feels as if you're doing the wrong thing. You need to have clear boundaries and only give as much as you're prepared to give too - this is very important.

Personally I never host for more than three nights. ("Visitors are like cooked fish, both should be thrown out after three days." - wise words from the Chinese (I think).) I always say what time we'll be eating breakfast and they're welcome to join us. But if too early then will leave breakfast out for guests to help themselves and ask them (the night before) to clear away when they're finished. I make it clear what time I have available to spend with them too - my siblings used to visit and sleep in until midday when they were younger, so I'd make my own plans for the morning and then we'd go out together in the afternoon which worked really well. (I'd also go to bed when I needed to instead of feeling obliged to stay up later than I wanted to be sociable - and just asked them to keep the television down low.) What you're doing sadly isn't sustainable in any way whatsoever which is a shame for family relationships.

If you're not able to be clear about what you want and need then it may be better for all of you that you ask them to book alternative accommodation and meet up for the days instead.

LittleGreenWheels · 27/04/2021 21:48

I'm not sure I think of either ILs or DPs as invited guests, especially as they invite themselves.

I'd be ok with them getting up late as long as they sorted to their own breakfast and put the dishes in the dishwasher afterwards. I make brunch at the weekend but not during the week. When they invite themselves or mention visiting, you should set out your preferences.

My DP like a very slow start to the day and then go out for the day at 2pm. That is too late for me. I don't expect them to jump out of bed first thing. I say something like "I'm up to visit to X if we leave by 10am. After that I can drop you at the station and will collect you later.

Both sets of parents do feck all but expect help in their home. The DC help with dishes.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/04/2021 21:49

I like guests sleeping late, as long as they will help themselves to breakfast. Gives me a bit of P and Q first thing.,

howmanynames · 27/04/2021 21:52

DP's friend came to stay with us a while back while he was house hunting. DP was at work in the daytimes. I'd always enjoyed his friend's company and the DC loved him so I had no problem with it.

But he seemed to have missed out on basic house training! He didn't feel the need to offer any help and he slept on the sofa in the living room until midday every day! The DC were young at the time and this was our living space.

I asked him to help me put a flatpack bed together for him to sleep in the study, but he said he was fine on the sofa! He said it as if he was being polite and if building a bed would be putting me to too much trouble. He seemed to have no idea that it wasn't appropriate to spend the entire morning on the sofa in our living space!

He didn't come across as a CF, just utterly clueless! He was quite young at the time tbf.

I got DP to help me build the bed in the end. And he didn't stay very long. I don't think he was prepared for family life!

XingMing · 27/04/2021 22:01

@CoolCatTaco, I do and have done for the 30+ years. They come back regularly. Nice guests are always welcome. House-trained, even better.

Cherrysoup · 27/04/2021 22:19

I generally wouldn’t let my pils lift a finger when they stayed, but it was max 4 days. They got up at the same time as us and I’d make us all breakfast. Even if they got up later, I’d do breakfast.

You don’t like your pils much, do you?

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 22:21

Just because someone doesn’t want to run around after lazy PIL for a week doesn’t mean they don’t like them.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 27/04/2021 22:28

A week is too long. 3 days max. And just because they want to be fed, doesn’t mean you have to feed them!

What does your dh say?

VegCheeseandCrackers · 27/04/2021 22:31

Yanbu to expect a bit of help with dishes.
Yabu to expect to police sleeping times of your guests.

Voomster953 · 27/04/2021 22:31

@Isittimenow

Are you the woman with the huge inherited house?
Oh I’d forgotten her! She was full of shit. Her other threads were ludicrous.
Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2021 22:35

I would be directing them to a local hotel. You're not their skivvy, ffs.

TheChosenTwo · 27/04/2021 22:37

Oh my god even when I go and visit a relative of mine a couple of hours drive a way just for the day I take them flowers and treats because I know they will have gone out of their way cooking/cleaning etc especially for us!
I can’t even pop in to my neighbours empty handed, always grab some biscuits or something out of the cupboard - I was brought up in the mindset of it being very bad manners to go to someone’s house empty handed and it’s stuck with me forever.
I also offer all help I can wherever I go, be it loading the dishwasher, washing up, taking small dc to the park for a couple of hours, whatever.
And I also love having people to stay. I wouldn’t mind the lie ins, we don’t have small dc anymore and the pets take care of themselves Grin another amazing reason to never have a dog!!

ShanghaiDiva · 27/04/2021 22:44

I lived overseas for 25 years so often had guests stay for several weeks.
I would expect a guest to offer to help with clearing away after meals.
Staying in bed until lunchtime, I would not let it affect my routine. My cleaner used to arrive at 7.30am four days per week so guests surfacing at midday was not the norm.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/04/2021 23:03

Of course they should! But let your DH skivvy after them.

memberofthewedding · 27/04/2021 23:05

Ive never stayed with anyone for a week - wouldnt want to. For a weekend I would probably bring a bottle of wine and offer to take my host out for a meal or pay for a decent food delivery. I would expect to make my bed, help clear the table, wash up etc and ask if they needed any help with food preparation (although I hate cooking) or hoovering. If they said no I would just stay out of the way and take them at their word. We would probably have made plans for how to spend the time before hand (I am a planner) but I would probably aim to give my host an hour or so on their own over the 2/3 days either by taking myself off somewhere (walk or shopping) or going up to my room or taking a long bath. Just in case they wanted some down time. I know how wearing it can be having a guest.

Thomasina79 · 27/04/2021 23:10

I would expect a fitting in of the household, helping washing up after meals, consideration in things like cleanliness of bathrooms after using them, leaving bedrooms in a reasonable state. Perhaps providing wine and pudding with dinner. Not major housework, but small jobs like popping to shops for odds and ends., watering plants?

Shrivelled · 27/04/2021 23:15

I like my in laws but I wouldn’t want them to stay in my house for a whole week. That’s a big ask in my opinion.

Cowbells · 27/04/2021 23:18

If I stay for a week I usually do some food shopping, half the cooking, clearing up, sweeping the floor etc. I tidy up after myself eg clean the bathroom.

I have elderly male guests from DH's side of the family who don't lift a finger but they do take us out for dinner and they are very generous to DC so they get away with it.

If guests don't help, you are allowed to say no, you know.

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:25

.......What?!

I'm surprised they want to come back.

Loveistheonlyhipe · 27/04/2021 23:28

Jesus OP give is a bit more to work on

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