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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you stay at someones house for a week

194 replies

Visitingneveragain · 27/04/2021 19:07

You should at least chip in with everyday things like, loading dishwasher, cooking, clearing the table etc?

And if there is a reason you don’t surface before mid day, you should check thats ok with hosts, before coming?

To clarify, this was pre-lockdown and visitors have asked to stay again?🤨

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 20:42

It's really rude. Do they have to stay?

Newkitchen123 · 27/04/2021 20:45

@Visitingneveragain

*Today 20:37 CoolCatTaco

Does your DH skivvy after them or does he expect you to do it all? I think I'd tell them no, entitled old gits.*

This made me laugh. He skivvys after them. I would say, the dishwasher is empty, can someone do it? Dh would jump up and do it, despite a full day working and having made dinner.Hmm

See this is where you need to be more assertive -Joe can you empty the dishwasher so that when DH gets back from work we can eat straight away cos he'll be tired
HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 20:45

Could you just be out when they get up?

Chewbecca · 27/04/2021 20:46

Why is admitting they're your PIL outing?

Anyway, they shouldn't expect you to wait hand and foot on them but need to establish norms when they arrive that you're comfy with.

CoolCatTaco · 27/04/2021 20:48

They would wind me up something shocking! Have you discussed their spoilt bastardness with your DH? And if so can he see it or is he in the dreaded FOG?

Laggartha · 27/04/2021 20:49

This thread is hard work.

Babygotblueyes · 27/04/2021 20:54

I always chip in but have been the late sleeper (totally unexpectedly and was mortified about it) and also had people stay with me and sleep really late. I am thrilled, figure it means they feel really comfortable. It would be annoying if we had plans, but if we did I would wake them up with a cup of tea I think.

Killahangilion · 27/04/2021 20:54

If they’re treating you as hotel staff, then that’s not on. I wouldn’t wait for my DH to say anything to them but I’d be very clear with them about my expectations if I thought they were piss takers. So asking for help to load/unload the dishwasher, contributing to meal planning/food shopping etc.

My adult step-children/partners usually lie in until very late in the morning when they arrive (for the first few days), because we live on the Atlantic coast of Ireland and they’re not used to fresh sea air and generally conk out and sleep really well. I know how busy they are normally so I’m always pleased that they can relax, unwind and sleep well at ours.

Their visits are always eagerly looked forward to as they’re great company and they do occasionally cook a meal in return, although I wouldn’t be bothered if they didn’t offer to cook.

However, I do have one very old friend who arrives and never offers to lift a finger for the entire visit so he’s rarely invited these days, unless I’m feeling very generous. He does the same when he visits mutual friends too.

79andnotout · 27/04/2021 20:55

My family stay here fairly often. My brother even has a key. They clean up after themselves but get up or go to bed when they please. Mi casa su casa.

My DP wishes there was more formality about the whole arrangement but he has got used to my brother randomly turning up now. My family is Irish and it's just the way we do things.

Alcemeg · 27/04/2021 20:58

At the other end of the spectrum, my ex-SIL used to find endless things for me to do when I stayed there, like a maid. Really ridiculous waste-of-time things, like polishing the leaves on her houseplants 🤣 I mean stuff I wouldn't even do at home! I was half waiting for her to ask me to whitewash the coals.

DenisetheMenace · 27/04/2021 20:59

isitingneveragain

*Today 20:33 newnortherner111

Just basic good manners when visiting someone's house to offer to help with things such as washing up or the dishwasher.”

I want people to relax if I’ve invited them to my home. Wouldn’t dream of asking for help with dishes (would probably irritate me, much quicker to do it ourselves). Wouldn’t expect to be required to do so myself, in someone else’s home.

Different if they’ve invited themselves though.

TeacupDrama · 27/04/2021 21:02

outing is my PIL are bell ringers at the church in Lower slaughter in the cotswolds; saying they like a lie in until lunch is not

Pepsimirror · 27/04/2021 21:05

Do they bring any gifts for you? Flowed, chocolates etc.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 27/04/2021 21:06

I always pitch in when I visit friends. I just can't not to. Dishes, little bits of tidying up etc. Plus it's easier and more enjoyable if you can chat to someone through it all.

If I stay long enough I even cook dinner a night or two.

I always get asked back. Grin

XingMing · 27/04/2021 21:06

There are some people who really don't grasp the idea that inviting guests to stay does actually mean going to some effort to make them feel welcomed. I don't think I'd want to stay or be invited to visit at some of your homes... entitled old gits suggests you would much rather I hadn't bothered to make the trip.

Given the expense of inviting friends or family for a visit, double the food bill etc, the laundry and the cleaning, @CoolCatTaco, I take it you don't accept invitations?

HorridHamble · 27/04/2021 21:09

I’d be really pissed off if there were no offers to help. When my DC and I stay with relatives abroad, we all chip in without being asked - for example, one child sets the table, one helps to cook, I do the washing up, wipe the table etc. As it should be! No drama and we try to pull our weight and show our appreciation throughout our stay (not just by helping round the house, but I’ll pay for dinner at a restaurant and pick up the bill for drinks and snacks when we are all out for the day). I always offer to pay for groceries but the offer has never been accepted.

I wouldn’t get annoyed at guests sleeping in unless it messed up arranged plans. I’d be pleased I had some downtime! Are they jet lagged or unwell?

user1471538283 · 27/04/2021 21:10

Whenever I'm offered dinner, hospitality or to stay somewhere I always help with the clearing up, do the dishes etc. It is just good manners.

My friends and family are the same. However, as I've found out not everyone does even when you say. I would not have them to stay again.

ElizabethTudor · 27/04/2021 21:13

@TeacupDrama

outing is my PIL are bell ringers at the church in Lower slaughter in the cotswolds; saying they like a lie in until lunch is not
Exactly. This thread is like pulling teeth FFS. Op - just spill and tell us what exactly your frustrations are.
thelegohooverer · 27/04/2021 21:14

I quite like hosting, and I like guests to relax when they’re with me, and not get under my feet in the kitchen trying to “help”. It’s nice if they offer of course, and express some appreciation for my efforts.

I don’t mind late risers - they can help themselves to cereal and toast. My favourite type of guests are the ones who make themselves scarce at times, or go out for the day.

Imo guests pay their way by bringing good conversation and the pleasure of long drawn out meals.

I’ve found it helpful to focus on my obligations as a host, rather than the shortcomings of my guests, because I have no control over their manners. I just set out my own boundaries clearly and cheerfully and take charge.

I think the rules of Irish hospitality are quite different to English hosting. There’s a hierarchy of visitors from noble dignitaries to close family and there’s a subtle art to assigning a guest’s place in the pecking order. I keep my mil at arms length by serving her, whereas my lovely sil comes in and makes the tea herself. There’s a subtle power play in it.

Sunflowers095 · 27/04/2021 21:17

It depends. I wouldn't police when my guests can sleep and I wouldn't ever visit someone who would do that to me.

Do they do everything for you when you're visiting? Could it be a culture thing?

Just tell them to sort themselves out.

CoolCatTaco · 27/04/2021 21:19

@Xingming you're not hard to offend! I treat both hosts and guests with courtesy and respect. You might like to try it.

BackforGood · 27/04/2021 21:20

This thread is hard work.

and

This thread is like pulling teeth FFS.
Op - just spill and tell us what exactly your frustrations are.

KellyanneConway · 27/04/2021 21:22

I'm late 40s and sleep like the dead. DS is the same and our friends and relatives know this. I cant wake up early without an alarm or a cat standing on my chest whacking my face and wailing down my ear. Even DH getting up and getting ready honestly doesn't wake me. Left to my own devices I don't usually wake up naturally until at least 9 hours after I go to sleep, more if I've had a busy day. I would need a host to tell me in no uncertain terms that they expected me to get up at a certain time and I would then need to set my alarm, allowing time to get me from waking to a state or alertness sufficient to allow me to hold a conversation with host.

I would help out, offer to cook and buy at least one meal though if I stayed a week.

BanditoShipman · 27/04/2021 21:23

Op can’t you just use the quote function else it takes ages to work out what you’re quoting vs what your (very few) own words are!

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 27/04/2021 21:25

My ex’s Mum once stayed with us for a week with his teenage brother. She expected to be waited on hand and foot and didn’t offer a jot of help. She honestly sat there like the Queen or something expecting drinks and food bringing to her all day. So glad she isn’t my MIL Grin.

I’d feel rude not to offer help personally, I’d never want to put anyone out.