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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you stay at someones house for a week

194 replies

Visitingneveragain · 27/04/2021 19:07

You should at least chip in with everyday things like, loading dishwasher, cooking, clearing the table etc?

And if there is a reason you don’t surface before mid day, you should check thats ok with hosts, before coming?

To clarify, this was pre-lockdown and visitors have asked to stay again?🤨

OP posts:
nzborn · 27/04/2021 19:21

I think it's a good idea to have some guidelines when having a visitor of some duration.
I lost a friendship over a friend coming to stay in the UK from overseas looking for work.
I wrongly assumed she would help out around the house as l would but no the most she did was unload the dishwasher and not every day.
Unfortunately l came out of hospital on the day of her arrival and had to stay in a hospital bed in our front room for 2/3 months and everyone also assumed she would be helping us especially due to my accident and my partner's disability.
So at 3 months l had to give her a month to leave. NB there was no charge to stay

MichelleScarn · 27/04/2021 19:22

Is this d stepchildren?

BackforGood · 27/04/2021 19:22

Depends on the context.
We'd need to know more (re the lying in).
I mean, if they aren't going anywhere, I can't see the issue.

Generally, if I'm staying with someone (or indeed, just visiting for a meal) I'd offer to help clear up or whatever.

But I'm not going to demonise anyone without context.

saraclara · 27/04/2021 19:23

I'd mind the staying in bed the most. It means that everyone else's morning is wasted waiting around, as they've no idea when the visitors will actually surface.

Original poster
Visitingneveragain · 27/04/2021 19:23

Is this d stepchildren?

Adults

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/04/2021 19:24

...and at the very least, visitors would help clear the table, surely? I'd hope for more, and always offer more. But helping move the table debris to the kitchen is surely what anyone would do?

Original poster
Visitingneveragain · 27/04/2021 19:24

They expect to be fed whenever they rise.

OP posts:
IWantT0BreakFree · 27/04/2021 19:26

I feel like my in-laws would write this about us, however when we go they do not allow us to contribute or help in any way. They actually seem to get irritated if we do things like start loading the dishwasher. But I also feel like they're irritated when we dont do anything (even though it's because they haven't allowed us to). It just makes it all very stressful and if it weren't for the fact that we want to keep the relationship going, I would happily never visit again.

Is there possibly an element of this? I'm not saying there is, just wondering if it's possible that they feel you don't want them to help.

eachtigertires · 27/04/2021 19:27

Have you asked them to help out? If not YABU. If you have and they didn’t help out YANBU. The staying in bed thing - only if we had plans to go out.

MichelleScarn · 27/04/2021 19:27

What relationship to you are they?

Feedingthebirds1 · 27/04/2021 19:28

Are they genuinely coming to see you, or have they invited themselves for a free all inclusive holiday? It sounds like it might be the latter, so you don't have to have them if they expect you to do all the work and be waited on hand and foot.

Feedingthebirds1 · 27/04/2021 19:29

PS Given that they seem to have invited themselves. Different if you invite them (up to a point).

eachtigertires · 27/04/2021 19:30

Ah, just seen your update. I think in that case set expectations - here’s the cereal, milk in the fridge, help yourself whenever you feel like breakfast etc. If they dislike it that much maybe they won’t visit again.

LakieLady · 27/04/2021 19:32

@saraclara

I'd mind the staying in bed the most. It means that everyone else's morning is wasted waiting around, as they've no idea when the visitors will actually surface.
Me too. I feel compelled to creep about in case I wake them, and can't get on with anything noisy. It also means you can't go out for a day. A lot of the places we like to visit/take guests to aren't really worth visiting for just a couple of hours.
RoseMartha · 27/04/2021 19:33

I think they should offer to help.

Probably discuss what their plans are up front and whether you are going for a day out on a certain day etc

Whythesadface · 27/04/2021 19:34

💯% stop being the free hotel.
Don't buy special food.
Buy the evening meal on the way home, or they will eat it.
Don't stock the fridge.
Funny how once they are not the honoured guest with the best food they change attitudes about visiting.

BrilliantBetty · 27/04/2021 19:35

Who are they to you?

My 20 something relative sleeps in till midday. It wouldn't phase me as I'd expect it, knowing what she's like.
I wouldn't expect guests to help cook or clean. But I also wouldn't host anyone for a week as it's too much hard work. And I don't need to.
Can you say no?

Hankunamatata · 27/04/2021 19:35

If my parents or in laws then no I wouldn't expect them to muck in

Nightbear · 27/04/2021 19:40

It depends on who they are and how long they’re staying. I wouldn’t expect friends staying for a weekend to help out at all. I might expect family to offer to wash up or empty the dishwasher but it wouldn’t bother me if they didn’t. A stay of a week or more and I would expect more help.

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 19:44

They expect to be served every meal and we were lucky if they took their plate to the table. I did start to ask and got limited help.

I would say no. Something is making you hesitate, and if yes, at least protect yourself by making it clear that they need to feed themselves and help with chores.

diddl · 27/04/2021 19:44

@Visitingneveragain

They expect to be fed whenever they rise.
Well they can expect, but it only happens if you do it!

If you're not happy with them visiting though-say no!

Ideasplease322 · 27/04/2021 19:44

Are they your adult stepchildren?

mam0918 · 27/04/2021 19:47

I dont think they should have too (they're guests, would you host a dinner party then order everyone to wash dishes) but I also think you should just say 'no' if you dont want them there (its your space and if you dont like to share it thats fine).

Geordieoldgirl · 27/04/2021 19:48

The OP did ask the guests for some help, but it wasn't forthcoming! I must say I wouldn't feel like hosting anyone who expected to be waited on hand and foot and who were treating the place like a hotel. Even if I could grin and bear it for a few days, I certainly don't think I'd be prepared to endure it for a whole week.

Ragwort · 27/04/2021 19:51

No I would think it's very bad manners, the polite thing to do is to ask "what time is breakfast" and then the host replied accordingly, if the host genuinely isn't bothered about people getting up then make it clear "get up when you want to and help yourself to breakfast" ... otherwise the usual thing to do is to fit in with the host's routine.

However it's just as irritating the other way round ... we stayed with family who love a lie in ... my DH & I got up, I'd been out for coffee and a walk, he had done some gardening (he'd been asked to do it) ... before the hosts surfaced Grin... we obviously have different wake up times so now we stay in a hotel if we are visiting - easier all round.

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