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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's wedding - I need some perspective

272 replies

PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 16:09

I could really benefit from some perspective here, please. I'm feeling hurt but I don't know if I'm too sensitive or this is completely understandable.

My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold.

Since then, my brother and girlfriend have announced a new date but it's slap bang in the middle of the school term. Our children aren't of an age we can easily pull them out of school and even if we could, the costs and logistics are crazy.

My parents don't appear to see an issue and the rest of the party I believe are still going. I absolutely understand this is their wedding and their decision, but AIBU to be hurt that the new date rules us out and nobody seems to care that we can't make it?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset, or should I just get over it because it's their day, end of story.

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 27/04/2021 16:14

Your brother will have to accept that you won’t be joining them.

ThetaSigma · 27/04/2021 16:16

I don’t subscribe to the “it’s our day” stuff. It’s not just your day if you’re inviting 100 people and asking them to spend money celebrating with you. Personally I’d have been mortified if anything we did meant our guests had to spend a fortune or which made it really inconvenient for them to attend.

RuggerHug · 27/04/2021 16:19

It's a shame but they may not be able to get dates in the holidays. Just say you can't go and you'll do something when they're back.

Original poster
PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 16:21

Finfintytint He does accept that. It's more than I'm hurt he, nor my family, seem bothered that we can't make it.

ThetaSigma thank you - yes, this is how I feel, especially if it was one of my closest family. But maybe I have to accept that we hold them closer than they hold us?

OP posts:
GintyMcGinty · 27/04/2021 16:22

What a shame. I get why you are upset. Does your brother know this means you won't be able to go?

Original poster
PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 16:25

Rugger they could but they wanted to make it cheaper for friends, apparently.

Sorry, not sure my original post is clear. It kind of went like this:
Brother on a group text: this is the new date
Everyone: yay
Us, on a separate message: Oh no, it's in the middle of term now which means we won't be able to come - we're gutted
Brother: Oh OK

It's more that the new date means we can't go, he knows and so do my parents. For me, I wouldn't get married without him there, but the other way, it doesn't seem to matter which leaves me feeling hurt. I just can't work out if actually, it's not a big deal and I'm being oversensitive, or if you'd be hurt in my situation.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 27/04/2021 16:26

Have you asked him if he couldn’t get the dates in the school holidays?

I got married abroad before we had children, I never gave the school holidays a thought in all honesty, it just wasn’t the forefront of my mind. FWIW I would take my children out of school for my brothers wedding and go for a week unless it clashed with actual exams.

Finfintytint · 27/04/2021 16:26

I think I’d be hurt but it sounds like it’s a wedding geared towards their friends.

saraclara · 27/04/2021 16:27

Realistically, given what's gone on over the last year, and the rush to arrange weddings as things start to loosen, I can understand there being very little flexibility in finding a date. But yes, I'd be hoping for a heck of a lot on the way of regret, apologies and sadness on their part, that it means you can't go.

A shrug of the shoulders being the only reaction would be really disappointing.

Fizzgigg · 27/04/2021 16:27

Totally understand. It was an inconvenience to us to restrict our wedding dates to school holidays but my sister and sister in law are both teachers and there was no way I was getting married without them and they both had to travel from Ireland (I'm from there but live in London so we chose to get married here). So we did it in the middle of July so everyone could make it. Was an awesome day!

lurker101 · 27/04/2021 16:29

Your family are maybe upset you’re unable to attend too, but trying to play it down so you don’t feel under pressure to move everything to attend.

If you’re really upset about missing it, is it possible you could go alone? If it’s one of the bigger islands like Jamaica it would be easy enough to go for a long weekend.

Original poster
PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 16:29

Pippa yes, they knew the dates would mean we couldn't go. Which is what hurts.

The costs are now crazy. If we were to go for a week we've worked out it would cost approx £6k. This simply isn't realistic cost wise or doable factoring in jet lag.

OP posts:
MintMatchmaker · 27/04/2021 16:32

We got married midweek term time as the date was special to us. We fully expected that not everyone could make it. Everybody took their children out of school for a day/two days and even my 2 friends that are teachers attended.

I understand that you may not wish to take your children out of school, especially when they have missed a lot of the year. Is there any reason you couldn’t attend alone?

luxxlisbon · 27/04/2021 16:32

So man weddings are having to be rearranged for week days, term times etc because so many needed to be rescheduled.

YABU for making this all about you, feel upset you will now miss it but to imply they shouldn't have the wedding because you can't attend is OTT.

MintMatchmaker · 27/04/2021 16:33

Sorry, ignore my post, I didn’t realise it was abroad again!

lostlife · 27/04/2021 16:36

With £320 of PCR test per person they will be having a high drop our rate I imagine

CherieBabySpliffUp · 27/04/2021 16:38

Being term-time doesn't it work out cheaper than if it was during the school holidays?
How old are your DC? Can you really not take them out of school for the wedding?

GoodnightOwl · 27/04/2021 16:40

Isn't it much cheaper during term time? I thought it would be way cheaper than school hols.

Tbh unless my kids were mid GCSEs I'd still go, and take them.

Some events are more important than school, and you can catch them up on what they've missed. I'd still go.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 27/04/2021 16:42

If it's 6k during term time it would be double that for school holidays. And maybe he thought that you'd take the kids out of school for it?

Doghead · 27/04/2021 16:42

The world doesn't revolve around you OP. Did your parents not teach you that?

MixedUpFiles · 27/04/2021 16:45

I would be upset if my sibling didn’t care enough about me to plan a wedding I could realistically attend.

katy1213 · 27/04/2021 16:48

Did you organise your wedding around his convenience? If you're that bothered, you could easily go alone.

pictish · 27/04/2021 16:48

I can completely understand that you feel dismissed but the fact is, they just want to get married and with all the restrictions and delays, this is what they’ve come up with. Lots of people will be moving weddings to dates and times that are less than ideal. Who knows how long they’d have to wait to get a booking free within a school holiday period. I’m sure it’s not designed to exclude you. What a shame.

SallyMcNally · 27/04/2021 16:49

Or can you go and leave the kids? At the end of the day it is really you who has the most investment in seeing your brother get married.

And a child free week in the Caribbean could be quite a nice break.

Flowerlane · 27/04/2021 16:49

Are you the only ones with school age children out of everyone invited?