Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's wedding - I need some perspective

272 replies

PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 16:09

I could really benefit from some perspective here, please. I'm feeling hurt but I don't know if I'm too sensitive or this is completely understandable.

My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold.

Since then, my brother and girlfriend have announced a new date but it's slap bang in the middle of the school term. Our children aren't of an age we can easily pull them out of school and even if we could, the costs and logistics are crazy.

My parents don't appear to see an issue and the rest of the party I believe are still going. I absolutely understand this is their wedding and their decision, but AIBU to be hurt that the new date rules us out and nobody seems to care that we can't make it?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset, or should I just get over it because it's their day, end of story.

OP posts:
Ericaequites · 27/04/2021 16:49

Destination weddings are madness in any case. It’s very selfish to expect everyone to use valuable leave time and cash so you can play princess for a day or two.

Original poster
PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 16:50

Crikey, some harsh truths here, thanks Doghead and Luxxlisbon. As I said in my original post - I'm simply asking if I'm being unreasonable being hurt, not that they need to change the date to accommodate my family. I'm absolutely not implying that they don't have the wedding.

If he'd said "I'm gutted you won't be there but I understand" it would have made a massive difference.

In terms of taking the kids out of school, that kind of money simply isn't doable for us, particularly after the past year.

OP posts:
jay55 · 27/04/2021 16:51

I'd be utterly gutted if my sister arranged her wedding for when she knew I'd not be able to go.

Totally understand you're upset and feeling like your relationship isn't what you thought.

hidethexylophone · 27/04/2021 16:53

If they'd rearranged for school holidays, wouldn't it have pushed the costs up for everyone else attending though? I don't think you're unreasonable to feel upset and hurt that you can't go, but they'll be looking at the bigger picture - maybe going in term time enables other people to go who couldn't afford school holidays?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 27/04/2021 16:53

If you can’t afford the in term prices and I’m guessing the in holiday prices would be even more it possibly the best thing they have gone for a date you can’t do.

Original poster
PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 16:54

Jay55 that's it, thank you. It's the disappointment that we don't have the relationship that I thought.

Thank you for your thoughts, I do appreciate you taking the time to post and I'll take them on board.

OP posts:
MaryMow22 · 27/04/2021 16:54

Why don't you make arrangements for your children to be looked after and go without them? Or just go yourself with your parents? The way your post reads is that you are simply not going bc you don't want to pay the increased price. That will be obvious to everyone and that is why they aren't torn up that you aren't going. The "mid-term" thing is just an excuse as you haven't even tried talking to the school to get permission yet - I'm sure there is flexibility since it is a family matter.

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2021 16:55

Prices are suddenly ridiculous especially in the school holidays and I assume they want to do it this year so that can move on with married life.

I think they have made a difficult choice given the circumstances to prioritise getting married this year over everything else and you not been able to go is a consequence of that. It isnt personal and he probably is sad you cant make it

GoodnightOwl · 27/04/2021 16:58

But surely it'd cost even more in the summer holidays or half term?

Shoxfordian · 27/04/2021 16:58

Yanbu to be upset but you could go alone if you want to go see him get married

sanfranfibber · 27/04/2021 17:01

How would it being in the holidays make it cheaper/doable?

MiddleClassProblem · 27/04/2021 17:02

How close are you? Do you talk/see each other regularly?

Can you go on your own?

Maybe they decided no children was a bonus to the better price. Could be fertility related or just preference.

user1487194234 · 27/04/2021 17:05

I would never plan a wedding which meant my siblings could not attend and would be upset if they did that to me

Original poster
PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 17:05

Thank you, you're all right, cost will have a huge factor, I'm sure. I know the bookings/prices were honoured from last year for the majority of the party, but for others that were hoping to join them, this will be a big factor.

Your posts have definitely given me perspective thank you. I think I'd got lost in the 'nobody cares' cycle (a long-established with my family) and I think I was seeing it as just another way I was excluded, but you're right, there's a much bigger picture.

As for leaving the children to go - not an option as we don't have anyone we could leave the children with. Going alone is an option though one I would struggle with.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 27/04/2021 17:07

@SallyMcNally

Or can you go and leave the kids? At the end of the day it is really you who has the most investment in seeing your brother get married.

And a child free week in the Caribbean could be quite a nice break.

Yes! This!
IHateWinter88 · 27/04/2021 17:07

YANBU. I'd be disappointed too. It's not just "his day". It's a celebration, a big event centred around family. To purposefully choose to exclude one's own sibling is selfish. But there's nothing you can do. Tell them you're sad the dates mean you can't go, wish them good luck and see them for a dinner when they're back.

Tbh, the new date probably won't go ahead. I had 2 friends' weddings abroad rescheduled from 2020 to later this year and they have been cancelled too. The reason being very few people were willing to commit to go abroad this year. So they couldn't confirm numbers with the restaurant etc etc so your brother might find himself in the same situation.

Tiredmum100 · 27/04/2021 17:09

I would be really really hurt if my sister arranged her wedding during term time. As it happens she is getting married next year and has booked it for the Easter holidays so I can attend with my family as can many of her school teacher friends.

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/04/2021 17:09

In terms of taking the kids out of school, that kind of money simply isn't doable for us, particularly after the past year.

Based on this comment alone, you wouldn't have been able to attend whatever the date, as taking the kids out of school in term time would be cheaper, for my brother's wedding I would have taken my children out of school. You wouldn't have been able to afford school holiday prices of you can't afford term time prices. Would you not consider taking them out of school? Or going alone?

I would be a little upset at not being able to go to my brother's wedding to be fair so it must be pretty crappy for you Flowers

Cavagirl · 27/04/2021 17:11

I don't understand the money thing?

You could afford to go last year - and make it a nice holiday - but not this year?

CaraherEIL · 27/04/2021 17:11

PaleBlue I am sure that you do have the relationship you thought it’s just with those sorts of prices in term time the costs in the school holidays are going to be insane. I am presuming it must have been cheaper pre Covid. I think he must have known when he looked at the prices it was either do it in term time and you couldn’t go or do it in the school holidays and no one at all can afford it. I think everyone including your brother and parents are not making a big fuss that you can’t go because this couple have already had one cancellation/ major disappointment about their wedding and everyone is trying to be positive and excited. From those prices unless they give up on the destination dream they can’t find a solution which allows for everyone to go. I am sure it’s not because he doesn’t care I just think with all the previous Covid drama around the wedding he can’t get into any more problems surrounding the wedding. If you tackle him I imagine he will be upset and defensive but he’s stuck abit between a rock and a hard place.

CaraherEIL · 27/04/2021 17:12

I will still be gutted and feel weird and excluded though.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/04/2021 17:14

If you want to see your brother gt married then only you go, have a week with your parents and brother family.

But if you really won't go by yourself then actually you are not that bothered about seeing him get married.

parietal · 27/04/2021 17:14

if you can, maybe you should leave your DH with the kids and you go alone. it is mainly an event for your side of the family (your parents, brother etc) and give you a chance for you to celebrate with them

MabelPines · 27/04/2021 17:15

@PaleBlueLavender

Have you asked the school because holiday absence for a wedding is an allowable absence, it’s at the headteachers discretion so not all will but it’s worth asking !

Dishwashersaurous · 27/04/2021 17:16

And how could you afford it last year for two weeks but not this year for one week in term time when it would be cheaper than in holidays