Page 6 | Brother's wedding - I need some perspective

Thewinterofdiscontent · 27/04/2021 19:05

But this is still the couple (or whoever is paying) thinking about themselves. They would rather have a wedding abroad than a budget friendly do in the UK in a venue that isn’t as fancy as they would like. It’s still more about the location that who can attend.

I do get what you’re saying but times have changed. People live miles from each other, couples are older and prices for anything wedding related are ridiculous.
If you’ve got guests to travelling miles, taking time off work and staying the night going budget is just a bit tight.
Groupon were offering a £3,500 budget wedding. For the same price you could get married in a beautiful setting in France, better food, more sun, just better value for the couple and guests.

emilyfrost · 27/04/2021 19:07

YABU. It would be cheaper in term time anyway so not sure why you’re saying it’ll be more expensive 🤷‍♀️

The fact of the matter is that if you choose to have children you have to accept there will be many events you’ll not be able to make. It doesn’t mean people are excluding you

Snapbacktonormality · 27/04/2021 19:09

*I don't understand the money thing?

You could afford to go last year - and make it a nice holiday - but not this year?*

I think the point is last year they would have gone for longer and made a family holiday out of it. This year being in term time it would be a shorter stressful quick turnaround for the same money, so bang goes their family holiday

quizqueen · 27/04/2021 19:10

You said the bookings/costs were honoured from last year so just take the kids out of school and log online daily to do the home schooling , which is still there for children who are unable to attend. You could afford it last year and it must have been in school holidays, I guess, as you agreed to go. Pay the extra fine if there is one. People fly long distance many times for only a week's holiday.

Justanticipating · 27/04/2021 19:17

I'd be upset too. Are you bit of a people pleaser?

I know some people are saying to go in your own or just take the kids out anyway. But why? when it would still cost you a fortune and your brother clearly isn't that bothered?

lostlife · 27/04/2021 19:22

I love the bubble that so many MN posters live in

Very many people who could afford a holiday to the Carribean last year cannot afford it now

We are facing the biggest recession in living memory. Many people have lost jobs and/or have had significantly reduced income.

The worst is yet to come. There are very few people in the UK who will not be significantly impacted, even if the impact has been minimal so far.

newrubylane · 27/04/2021 19:30

I sympathise and of course it would be nice if they cared more, but just to give you some perspective - we were meant to get married last May and have postponed three times. We have had to settle for a May 2023 wedding in order to get a weekend date. Many of our guests have children and wouldn't be able to attend midweek. School holidays were already completely booked out on every weekday. A year of postponements mean venues are backed up with weddings, so you brother may not have had much choice in the matter, especially if a longer postponement wasn't an option due their Ts and Cs. I'd be disappointed but not offended, in the circumstances.

katiedidnt · 27/04/2021 19:34

@Wineiscooling

I got married abroad and to be honest I didn't think about what was convenient for any potential guests. I booked a date that worked for me and my DH and then if people could come great, if not , it's a shame but I accept by getting married abroad it rules a lot of people out. As it was my brother didn't come but my sister and mum did along with a few of my best friends and partners. I actually didn't really expect anyone to make it. So I think you are being a little unreasonable in how you're feeling. It's their wedding , maybe that date suits them for a particular reason. I'm sure they'd love you there. Is there any way you could fly out without children for a few days?

Yes, but you acknowledge it was a shame some people couldn't make it to your wedding - that's all the OP is asking for. The OP isn't asking for their brother to change the date or the location, just to pause for a moment and feel sad that they can't be there due to the circumstances.

The brother hasn't given any indication it makes any difference to him whether the OP is there or not. He can accept the OP can't make it, understand that and be unable to change things, and still feel a tiny bit sad about how things have turned out!

Original poster

PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 19:37

Thank you Justanticipating, that's it. To get there would be making significant sacrifices for a wedding that I'd love to be part of, but I honestly don't think my presence is an important factor. This isn't woe is me at all. My gut feel is that the wedding is for their friends and we're not an easy fit, given the DC.

I hate to keep repeating myself, but I don't want to take the kids out of school. Permission from the school or the threat of fines doesn't worry me, it's more that I'd rather them benefit from an uninterrupted term of learning, especially after the past year.

As for going on my own - again, I'm not comfortable going alone and experiencing something like that without my husband. I know some will say that I obviously don't want to go to the wedding that much, and maybe you're right, but I don't think it would mean that much to my brother to have me there. And costwise, I don't know many people who could justify spending thousands on a rapid turnaround trip for one?

OP posts:

Original poster

PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 19:39

Katiedidnt
Exactly - I don't expect anyone to change anything, I just would like to feel like it matters, just a little bit, that we're not there. I've had no sense from anyone - DB, his GF, my parents - that it matters whether we're there or not and that's why I feel hurt. It just touches an old wound.

OP posts:

Cassilis · 27/04/2021 19:40

In your shoes, I would:

let it be known that you're upset but politely ("I'm gutted that it's now in term time and therefore we now can't make it, is is all booked and confirmed?"). This way they can never claim you weren't bothered anyway.
NOT buy them a present as you are not gong to the wedding.
No pre-wedding dinner or drinks. If they want to see you, they can make the effort.

Cassilis · 27/04/2021 19:41

And there's no way I would go alone. It's their wedding, it's not your job to make things easy for them.

BusyLizzie61 · 27/04/2021 19:51

@PaleBlueLavender

Pippa yes, they knew the dates would mean we couldn't go. Which is what hurts.

The costs are now crazy. If we were to go for a week we've worked out it would cost approx £6k. This simply isn't realistic cost wise or doable factoring in jet lag.

In which case the term time element is irrelevant, surely?

You weren't willing to travel in term time and now it's too much anyway.

It's unfortunate. You view it as then not caring about your attendance. I'd possibly view it as them feeling hurt that you weren't even willing to consider attending termtime for a one off situation.... You both could be feeling hurt by the other...

AllThatisSolid · 27/04/2021 20:11

It's more than I'm hurt he, nor my family, seem bothered that we can't make it.

IME, he will regret it. But too late ...

Tavannach · 27/04/2021 20:15

I understand why you’re hurt and disappointed, but it’s not just your brother’s wedding it’s his bride’s day as well. Maybe that’s the day that best suits the most people.
Could you have a fun weekend away with the kids on a date next to the wedding to celebrate and treat yourselves with a really nice takeaway and champagne on the day of the wedding? Maybe a zoom call to the reception?

gabsdot45 · 27/04/2021 20:35

I would just go and take the kids, but I live in Ireland where no one would make a fuss about kids missing a bit of school for a reason like this.

Aunthe · 27/04/2021 20:40

OP, the fact that you are even considering going to a destination wedding is amazing.

SIL has planned a wedding for next summer in far flung destination. Cost is ranging from a minimum £4.5k to £6k! We can afford it but there is no way I'm spending that amount to go to a wedding. Really like SIL and her fiance, but just won't be doing it.

I really know it must feel horrible but if it's so obvious they are not bothered if you go, why anguish over whether to go or not? The damage is done, you are understandably hurt your brother is not that fussed. Why be hurt and be out of £6k as well?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 27/04/2021 20:44

I expect I'm out of touch as it's 9 years since my younger child left school, but I'm amazed so many people are unconcerned about the idea of children missing at least a week of school. I don't see schools being relaxed about this either, after the year we've had.

MRex · 27/04/2021 20:45

YANBU - I'd feel rather sad given it's a sibling. If they did something just them and parents then that would be fine, but to invite lots of people and not check in seems thoughtless. They know you have children and could have phoned with an explanation "Sorry, it's double the price unless we go for mid June, is that half term so you and the kids can come? Oh no! Would you consider coming on your own? I'm so sorry, can we dial you guys into a video call on the day and maybe a little wedding party at home for just family?" etc etc. Same outcome of you not going, but you'd be aware they care.

All you can do is try not to hold onto offence by being empathetic that they're probably a bit desperate to just sort out synching close to their original plan. Could you arrange something wedding linked to do with them and the kids, so that you all get together and remind yourselves how much you care for each other?

Newkitchen123 · 27/04/2021 20:49

@Aunthe

OP, the fact that you are even considering going to a destination wedding is amazing.

SIL has planned a wedding for next summer in far flung destination. Cost is ranging from a minimum £4.5k to £6k! We can afford it but there is no way I'm spending that amount to go to a wedding. Really like SIL and her fiance, but just won't be doing it.

I really know it must feel horrible but if it's so obvious they are not bothered if you go, why anguish over whether to go or not? The damage is done, you are understandably hurt your brother is not that fussed. Why be hurt and be out of £6k as well?

Not a chance would I be paying that! Our guests didn't pay anything like that! Caribbean wedding would probably be a no for me on cost for a start but you can bet your life that'll be one of those where they all stay in the same hotel! Our guests did a short flight to Europe and stayed where they could afford

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 20:53

@PaleBlueLavender

I could really benefit from some perspective here, please. I'm feeling hurt but I don't know if I'm too sensitive or this is completely understandable.

My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold.

Since then, my brother and girlfriend have announced a new date but it's slap bang in the middle of the school term. Our children aren't of an age we can easily pull them out of school and even if we could, the costs and logistics are crazy.

My parents don't appear to see an issue and the rest of the party I believe are still going. I absolutely understand this is their wedding and their decision, but AIBU to be hurt that the new date rules us out and nobody seems to care that we can't make it?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset, or should I just get over it because it's their day, end of story.

But the costs and logistics weren't a problem the first time round?

Also, what age stops you pulling them?

I think you sound unreasonable.

@Finfintytint why is that always the response? Why should he be OK with that?

MargosKaftan · 27/04/2021 20:55

I think too many people are hooked on the fact its overseas, or their big day etc.

The bigger issue for the OP, is that her brother and his fiancee have decided to rearrange their wedding, they've had a list of those who "must" be there and "nice to have but not important", and its very clear from the way this has been rescheduled, she falls in the second category, other people who aren't family matter more to the brother and DP, so are in the 1st group.

This is hard to realise. Its really not about being at the wedding or not, it's a very clear indication that the OP and her dh & dcs aren't all that important to her brother, compared to other people who have been factored in to the plans in a way to make sure they can go.

OP, your brother is telling you something here. Its ok to be upset.

Its really not about the wedding.

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 20:57

@MargosKaftan

I think too many people are hooked on the fact its overseas, or their big day etc.

The bigger issue for the OP, is that her brother and his fiancee have decided to rearrange their wedding, they've had a list of those who "must" be there and "nice to have but not important", and its very clear from the way this has been rescheduled, she falls in the second category, other people who aren't family matter more to the brother and DP, so are in the 1st group.

This is hard to realise. Its really not about being at the wedding or not, it's a very clear indication that the OP and her dh & dcs aren't all that important to her brother, compared to other people who have been factored in to the plans in a way to make sure they can go.

OP, your brother is telling you something here. Its ok to be upset.

Its really not about the wedding.

Not the case.

The ONLY thing they have changed is the date
OP could afford it before.

This all comes down to OP being unwilling for her kids to miss any school at all, which is not the brothers fault

BrilliantBetty · 27/04/2021 21:03

No way would I take DC out of school for a week+ after this year and everything they've missed.

Especially given they don't seem too fussed about you being there.

It's a lot of money to spend too.

I'd accept you feel hurt that they didn't consider you a high priority guest, decline citing the reasons and try and move on from any negative feelings.

You know who really does care if you spend time with them.. your DH and DC. So book an alternative little hol with them, lots of pictures and activities, make a special event out of it for yourselves at a time suitable for you (half term) and worry less about people who aren't fussed.

TheLastLotus · 27/04/2021 21:05

@MargosKaftan but given that the booking was already made - how exactly is it clear that this has been rescheduled in a way to ensure that specific other people (who haven’t been mentioned at all) can go?

Also getting married is stressful enough without all this rescheduling uncertainty. If I were them all I’d want is to get it over with as quickly as possible. I wouldn’t have the headspace to worry about who was and wasn’t coming. Yes I might care but I’d be too tired and worn out to show it