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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's wedding - I need some perspective

272 replies

PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 16:09

I could really benefit from some perspective here, please. I'm feeling hurt but I don't know if I'm too sensitive or this is completely understandable.

My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold.

Since then, my brother and girlfriend have announced a new date but it's slap bang in the middle of the school term. Our children aren't of an age we can easily pull them out of school and even if we could, the costs and logistics are crazy.

My parents don't appear to see an issue and the rest of the party I believe are still going. I absolutely understand this is their wedding and their decision, but AIBU to be hurt that the new date rules us out and nobody seems to care that we can't make it?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset, or should I just get over it because it's their day, end of story.

OP posts:
Shimmyshimmycocobop · 27/04/2021 17:16

I'd be upset at this too op, and as for "the world doesn't revolve around you" posts....really? Hmm

It's a big family occasion and you would hope they would express regret that you can't go, do you think your brother is annoyed and that's why his reaction has been a bit lacking?

Littlecaf · 27/04/2021 17:16

Yes I would probably feel upset OP if it was my DBs wedding. Unfortunately he can’t please everyone which is rubbish but maybe he just didn’t think?

bitheby · 27/04/2021 17:17

It was better value for money last year as they could go for longer and have a family holiday. Hard to justify a fortnight off school for a wedding in term time.

Maggiesfarm · 27/04/2021 17:17

Could you not go without your husband? You wouldn't have to stay too long.

When people send out invitations they know that some will be unable to attend.

As it is a rebook for them, maybe they did not have too many choices for dates, or thought you'd be able to pull the children from school. It wasn't a deeply thought out decision.

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/04/2021 17:18

I'd go on my own, maybe just 5 days, how lush. Even on plane just yourself to look after then family wedding fun. What a treat. Sure you could arrange for DH to have weekend away with his mates or something later in the year to reciprocate.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/04/2021 17:18

If you can’t afford the term time price then it’s got you out of it, imagine if he’d booked half term due to your children then you’d declined due to cost but costing everyone else thousands more.
I’d be clear you can’t go due to term time and arrange to celebrate with them in your own way.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/04/2021 17:19

maybe your brother is simply wondering why you don't go by yourself, and is hurt that you would only go to his wedding if you could have a family holiday. Not just for him

gurglebelly · 27/04/2021 17:20

@PaleBlueLavender

Crikey, some harsh truths here, thanks Doghead and Luxxlisbon. As I said in my original post - I'm simply asking if I'm being unreasonable being hurt, not that they need to change the date to accommodate my family. I'm absolutely not implying that they don't have the wedding.

If he'd said "I'm gutted you won't be there but I understand" it would have made a massive difference.

In terms of taking the kids out of school, that kind of money simply isn't doable for us, particularly after the past year.

So, and I apologise if I'm misunderstanding here, but you couldn't go whatever date it is because it's too expensive? In which case I think you are being a bit unreasonable
ineedaholidaynow · 27/04/2021 17:20

@MabelPines schools can't physically stop you having a term time holiday, the only issue may be fines. Weddings can sometimes be allowable absence but would normally be the parents' wedding.

I assume you hadn't previously booked and so your flights etc aren't being carried over.

MindTheBumps · 27/04/2021 17:21

So you are disappointed that your brother has picked a date you can't do even though you have no intention of going regardless of the date because it's too expensive HmmConfused. Ok then!

Dishwashersaurous · 27/04/2021 17:21

could you go if it were in holidays when costs normally double?

Lofu · 27/04/2021 17:21

Am always gobsmacked that people think it's ok to have weddings that cost thousands of pounds to attend.

Yes OP I would be hurt but at least you're not being pressured to go, I think that would be worse.

NoSquirrels · 27/04/2021 17:21

You couldn’t afford to go anyway as a whole family, it sounds like, so perhaps your brother knew this really?

I would go alone in this scenario. My DH has attended family weddings on his side where we’ve had this term-time too-expensive as a family group issue. He’d rather we all went but in some circumstances it’s just pragmatic to go alone.

HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 17:24

@Doghead

The world doesn't revolve around you OP. Did your parents not teach you that?
Surely it's her brother who thinks the world revolves around him? He was expecting her to spend £6K to attend his wedding.
Aprilx · 27/04/2021 17:25

@PaleBlueLavender

Crikey, some harsh truths here, thanks Doghead and Luxxlisbon. As I said in my original post - I'm simply asking if I'm being unreasonable being hurt, not that they need to change the date to accommodate my family. I'm absolutely not implying that they don't have the wedding.

If he'd said "I'm gutted you won't be there but I understand" it would have made a massive difference.

In terms of taking the kids out of school, that kind of money simply isn't doable for us, particularly after the past year.

I think your response to his announcement was very abrupt, he has just announced a new date for his wedding and all he gets from you is “that doesn’t suit us we are not coming”. It may have looked like you didn’t even give it two minutes thought as to whether there was any way you could manage it, e.g. missing school or you going alone. Instead you just shut it down, I am not surprised his response was “oh ok”. I wouldn’t assume he did plan it so that you couldn’t come, more that perhaps he thought you would make an effort.
MadMadMadamMim · 27/04/2021 17:26

I think people planning marriages after this last year are focusing on what is most doable for them.

Tbh if you can't afford to go during term time, then you certainly can't afford to go in school holidays and so it was never going to happen.

DB and his fiance want to get married in the Caribbean. If some guests and family can't make it then they clearly understand that.

Can you go on your own?

Dishwashersaurous · 27/04/2021 17:27

And what did your brother say when you phoned and discussed that you wouldn't be attending?

Or did you only respond to the group WhatsApp chat, where obviously he wouldn't want to have a one to one conversation with his sister that can be read by everyone

GnomeDePlume · 27/04/2021 17:29

My perspective is that a Caribbean destination wedding is more important to your DB than a family wedding. This says a lot about your DB and nothing about you.

In your shoes I wouldnt tie myself in knots trying to find a way to attend. He has made it clear that he doesnt expect you to attend and if I'm honest, I dont think he cares that much. In years to come he may regret this decision.

Nearer the time send him a card.

Humpthree · 27/04/2021 17:31

My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold.

I'm reading that as you booked the original date as a holiday but had to cancel due to covid. So you still have that money put aside?

You haven't mentioned the difference in price between the original date and the revised date. I'm assuming the revised date is more expensive for you so could you cut the amount of days your holiday would be down? Go for 5 days instead of a fortnight for example. Just you go? Just you and the kids and DH stays at home? Could you ask your parents to lend you the money for the difference between the cost to go on the new date and the original?

I understand it's not ideal with the kids being in school but you should be given leave for a wedding and like PP have said, there are much more important experiences in life than just school.

Perhaps your family are not seemingly unbothered by you declining but actually upset that you're not trying to make it work and be there for your brother?

lalafafa · 27/04/2021 17:31

so sorry but he doesn't seem to be that bothered about you attending. With that thought I wouldn't be too upset. Could you just go with your parents, leave dp with the kids?

newnortherner111 · 27/04/2021 17:32

It perhaps says a lot about your brother and/or his fiancée that they did not have any conversation with you before announcing the new date. A phone call to explain why they have chosen the date would have been a courtesy. So whilst it is their wedding and their choice of date, YANBU to be upset.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/04/2021 17:32

And how quickly did you respond to message. If it was really quick then obviously you didn't any thought to options eg going yourself so he's probably upset that you didn't make aneffort

Newkitchen123 · 27/04/2021 17:33

I'm also confused about the cost issue
If you won't take your kids out of school that's not a cost issue.
If he'd arranged it in the holidays would you have had the money to go?
Is there a scenario where your brother can win here?

EmbarrassingMama · 27/04/2021 17:34

Can't you go on your own?

callmeadoctor · 27/04/2021 17:35

You should go on your own (and have a lovely time)