Brother's wedding - I need some perspective

[PaleBlueLavender]

I could really benefit from some perspective here, please. I'm feeling hurt but I don't know if I'm too sensitive or this is completely understandable.

My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold.

Since then, my brother and girlfriend have announced a new date but it's slap bang in the middle of the school term. Our children aren't of an age we can easily pull them out of school and even if we could, the costs and logistics are crazy.

My parents don't appear to see an issue and the rest of the party I believe are still going. I absolutely understand this is their wedding and their decision, but AIBU to be hurt that the new date rules us out and nobody seems to care that we can't make it?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset, or should I just get over it because it's their day, end of story.

*sorry meant to say - you would have gone alone

I get that you feel hurt. I would as well. I would want to be at my siblings wedding, but wouldn’t want to go alone abroad either even if your parents are there as my husband and kids are part of my, and his, family

They have made their mind up I would now be petty enough to be totally uninterested in the wedding, any plans and would refuse to discuss it. If it comes up I would just say you know perfectly well we are not going as you chose a date in term time. I don’t want to hear anything about it and change the subject.

I would also consider what future contact I would have as they are putting friends before family

Why can’t you just go on your own and stay two nights, OP? Your partner could presumably look after your children and flights should be logistically possible, even if you have to connect via Miami or Atlanta.

To clarify - of course I didn't just send a quick 'sod that, we can't come' response, it was simplified for on here.

The first I heard about it was a group message and I was then in touch privately, but at no point was it an instant 'Count us out' message.

And yes, if I didn't have a DP or DC I would have gone alone. In the same vein, if I was married to a millionaire, I could have hired a private jet and an island. The fact is I DO have a DH and DC. I'm not sure I get your point?

How old are your kids? Why can’t you just take them out. I would for my brothers wedding.

To go for just two nights would cost in excess of £3.5k for two nights. I'm sorry, but that's madness. I'm not Beyonce.

@Cavagirl

I don't understand the money thing?

You could afford to go last year - and make it a nice holiday - but not this year?

Did cv19 pass you by?

I think that under the current circumstances, where there is likely to be a huge queue for available dates, you should not feel hurt.

However, by the same token, he would have no right to be hurt if you cannot attend.

PS it might still need to be cancelled/postponed, given that Covid-related problems with international travel are likely to persist for a while.

@MilduraS

As someone who got married with none of her friends or family there, I don't think it's a reflection of how they feel about you. I love my family dearly but I really didn't care about who else was there besides DH. Some people view weddings as an important family occasion, others as a great excuse for a party and then a few like me think it's all about making vows to each other. It's reasonable to be upset you won't be there but it would be unreasonable to tell them so. They might be a bit upset you're not able to make it but are playing it down because it's not your fault you can't make a wedding in the Caribbean. Equally they may only have invited the people they have out of obligation rather than a desire to have everyone there anyway.

But you had NO ONE there. It’s a bit different that having a situation that by default EXCLUDE people, in this case the OP and her family.

@PaleBlueLavender, seeing the context of the golden child, the only one to have a child etc... I’d say you are right.
It just shows that your dbrother doesn’t really care if you there or not. Same with parents.
If it wasn’t in this context or of he has said something along the lines of ‘shit. I’m sorry. I can see how this is not working for you but we wanted take into account and it’s the only way it worked. Shall we have a party when we get back?’ then all the comments from other posters would apply.

Honestly, if you could manage the costs last year then I think you need a better reason not to attend. You make it sound like you more concerned about value for money.

You can take the kids out of school. If you really wanted to do this, you could. It comes down to you actually not wanting to, which is fine. Just be honest about it.

People can be so unreasonable about their overseas weddings, my brother pulled this stunt when he was re-marrying his ex-wife. It was to take place the last couple of days in August, as teachers we couldn't afford the time to go, cue long faces.

I still don't understand the cost thing.

A week is a completely normal holiday to the Caribbean, its only 8 hrs flight and minimal jet lag. And you flew Friday night to Sunday night it would be nine days, completely long enough for holiday.

How old are the children? Exam age then could they stay at home. Otherwise just take them out for a week and have a holiday

Honestly I'd go anyway.

Unless the DC are in exam years it won't hurt to miss a week or two of school, you can al syns do a bit of homeschooling to catch up (we're all used to that now ). I know kids have missed out on a lot of school this past year but they have also missed out on a lot of general fun and this would be a great holiday for them with lots of family around.

School May well refuse permission (though they do tend to be lenient with weddings), but even then the fine is only £60.

Just go. I would.

Always*

If your dc are at Local authority / standard comp a 1 week / 5 day absence, even if unauth, wouldn't be fined.

What is the difference financially between what you had budgeted to pay last year and what the price is this year? Is spending money on top of this or included?

Sadly as costs are ramping up, it looks like your DB has plumped for the cheaper option of term time, as minimsl people need to have school holiday times off. It's a shame how it impacts you, but if he has a large number of guests I presume he has picked cheaper dates to maximise headcount.

@PaleBlueLavender it matters because your excuses are all over the place when in actual fact you can’t go anyway. You say it would cost too much for 2 nights. Presumably to be there the whole time WITH DH and DC in tow would be more - just that the expense is justifiable as a family holiday?

Either way you’re upset because he chose to have a destination wedding you can’t attend. No matter what. It’s not the term time that’s the issue in fact term time would be cheaper!

From your brother’s POV it’s been booked, things have changed because of a pandemic nobody could have predicted and you can’t go anymore so what’s he supposed to do about it? Given that you’ve redacted the responses I doubt that he just said oh ok ... he wasn’t as dramatic and upset as you’d have liked. This hurts because of the family history but really it can’t be helped.

Having read your post about the family dynamics, OP, I would regard this as a done decision that you can't go. I actually think you've dodged a bullet and there would have been a good chance you would not have enjoyed it that much anyway.

Put aside a bit of the money you'd have spent on the trip, and suggest to your brother and parents that you all go out for a family meal instead (somewhere you can bring the kids) when they return. Spend the rest on a different holiday for your household. And step back from the whole dynamic that makes you feel less valued.

OP are you close with your brother?

Another way to look at it as that attending a fancy wedding day isn't what the bond is about. It's about whether you will stand by and support each other through hard times. Yes of course you want to have fun as siblings too. But you barely get to see the B&G at a wedding.

He gave a matter of fact response to something he already knew. It isn't a summary of your relationship.

I imagine it was hard for them to rebook and to please everyone. Also, available dates were likely scarce and booking up fast. School holidays tend to be more expensive. I think he should have written a more meaningful message saying he's sorry you can't make it but some people don't think about those things.

Thanks everyone, all helpful stuff for me to mull over. I'm stepping away now as my brain feels a little fried.

@PaleBlueLavender I do understand why you're hurt at your family seemingly not caring that you can't make it. I wonder if they would have reacted the same way last year had the wedding gone ahead (and Covid hadn't been a thing) or if they've readjusted the way they see weddings now, and you haven't?

Weddings now get cancelled all the time, guests have to drop out all the time - even when things are booked, there's still a lot of uncertainty, so nothing is 'real' until it happens. It's possible that you not being a part of the wedding hasn't really sunk in, and they won't think about what that means until the wedding actually happens. There may yet be a pang of regret!

It is entirely possible that your family are more important to you than you are to them, but it's also entirely possible that they're all still in a slightly funny mental space, and they're not reacting the way you'd expect because of it.

Some people have missed the point - you're not expecting your brother to change his plans, you're just expecting your family to miss your presence a little and to wish things could have been different, even if you all accept that they can't be. You're not unreasonable to feel that way, but as I've said, I do wonder if the circumstances are delaying/disgusing people's reactions.

** disguising

I'd be pissed off.

You can't please everyone but as his sister I'd expect a little consideration into the date.

Blow the money on something else for yourselves 👍🏻

I got married abroad and to be honest I didn't think about what was convenient for any potential guests. I booked a date that worked for me and my DH and then if people could come great, if not , it's a shame but I accept by getting married abroad it rules a lot of people out. As it was my brother didn't come but my sister and mum did along with a few of my best friends and partners. I actually didn't really expect anyone to make it. So I think you are being a little unreasonable in how you're feeling. It's their wedding , maybe that date suits them for a particular reason. I'm sure they'd love you there. Is there any way you could fly out without children for a few days?