Page 4 | Brother's wedding - I need some perspective

PaleBlueLavender · 2021-04-27T15:09:49+00:00

I could really benefit from some perspective here, please. I'm feeling hurt but I don't know if I'm too sensitive or this is completely understandable. My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold. Since then, my brother and girlfriend have announced a new date but it's slap bang in the middle of the school term. Our children aren't of an age we can easily pull them out of school and even if we could, the costs and logistics are crazy. My parents don't appear to see an issue and the rest of the party I believe are still going. I absolutely understand this is their wedding and their decision, but AIBU to be hurt that the new date rules us out and nobody seems to care that we can't make it? Am I being unreasonable to be upset, or should I just get over it because it's their day, end of story.

user113424742258631134 · 27/04/2021 17:35

You can't write off your whole relationship with your sibling based on a non-conversation via text message and have engaged in a huge amount of mind-reading.

Besides which, why is it down to him to make you feel better about you declining an invite to his wedding?

He could be sitting there upset that his sister isn't coming to his wedding and clearly doesn't care because she couldn't even be bothered to pick up the phone to speak to him about it.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/04/2021 17:35

yes. In which situation would you be able to go?

PembrokeshireDreaming · 27/04/2021 17:39

@PaleBlueLavender

I think you have been unfairly attacked! I would be very hurt if my brother hadn't bothered to speak to me in person about his new wedding plans. A phone call would have been much more personal than a general text to all with the date!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/04/2021 17:41

People may disagree with me, but I think anybody who chooses a destination wedding is only really thinking about themselves and not their guests. When did it cease to be the norm to get married in your own locality, celebrating with all of your friends and family, and then just the couple go off on a fancy expensive holiday? I'd expect it to be the default that people couldn't come if it's a long way away and you'd be amazed/pleasantly surprised if anybody could.

maybe your brother is simply wondering why you don't go by yourself, and is hurt that you would only go to his wedding if you could have a family holiday. Not just for him

It's not like it's a big conspiratorial plot to make it into a holiday as well. Most people have limited money and limited annual leave/holidays - why should they be expected to spend the family's annual holiday budget on just one person going on a fancy holiday alone and then the rest of the family missing out completely for the year?

As for those saying how lovely to enjoy a child-free (and/or spouse-free) holiday, I realise that people have different preferences; but I don't want to have a holiday without my DS. A day or evening in just adult company can be enjoyable, but a whole week/fortnight without him? I wouldn't enjoy a family holiday without my family (as in household) with me. There will be plenty of time for holidays for just the two of us once he's grown up and left to start his own family, but whilst he's still very much a child, our family holidays include him - as he's an essential part of our family.

Also, it's correct that the world doesn't revolve around OP, as a PP said; but we're not talking about 'the world' here. It's a big family occasion and big family occasions usually, erm, revolve around the family, of which OP is (or believed she was considered) an integral part.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 27/04/2021 17:43

I totally understand why you would feel hurt that no one cares (especially the bride and groom) if you don’t make it.

Honestly they are probably just relived it’s going ahead at all and that’s what the focus is currently. It may sink in nearer the time.

Is the legal bit happening out there too? If not perhaps they feel it’s more of a wedding party. I do think it’s a bit sad especially as you won’t be in the photos and things. Can you meet for family photos/ meal at the airport to wish them luck?

EileenGC · 27/04/2021 17:47

When you choose to have a wedding thousands of miles and pounds away from your guests, you have to accept not all of them will be able to make it. I say that as someone who will be marrying thousands of miles away from some of my friends and relatives, and I completely understand not everyone will be coming. If my mum or my best friend . who I cannot imagine not being at my wedding - weren't able to come, it would be my responsibility to pay for them, otherwise I don't really have the right to complain about it.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 27/04/2021 17:47

People may disagree with me, but I think anybody who chooses a destination wedding is only really thinking about themselves and not their guests. When did it cease to be the norm to get married in your own locality, celebrating with all of your friends and family, and then just the couple go off on a fancy expensive holiday?

Primarily when it become £1000’s cheaper than the U.K.
(Also where the destination was prettier than a dated hotel half the county had already used fir their weddings, , the sun was guaranteed and you didn’t have to invite all and sundry).

readingismycardio · 27/04/2021 17:50

When we first planned our wedding we considered a destination wedding but we knew straight away that many of our close friends can't afford it and we didn't want to put anyone in that position. I think it's selfish and self absorbed.

Re your brother: I'd feel a bit hurt, to be honest, but I do wonder, since wedding kept getting rescheduled, is it possible that this was the only available date they could book?

Anyway, the idea of pp to go alone sounds amazing!

EasterEggBelly · 27/04/2021 17:52

I’d go alone. I’d not be particularly happy about the situation but I also wouldn’t want to miss the wedding.

notanothertakeaway · 27/04/2021 17:53

@PaleBlueLavender

Crikey, some harsh truths here, thanks Doghead and Luxxlisbon. As I said in my original post - I'm simply asking if I'm being unreasonable being hurt, not that they need to change the date to accommodate my family. I'm absolutely not implying that they don't have the wedding.

If he'd said "I'm gutted you won't be there but I understand" it would have made a massive difference.

In terms of taking the kids out of school, that kind of money simply isn't doable for us, particularly after the past year.

Possible that he doesn't want to say "I'm gutted...." in case you felt he was pressuring you to attend

It's a shame to miss your brother's wedding. I'd be upset too. But, just because he doesn't prioritise you as a wedding guest, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Perhaps you could meet up another time to celebrate the wedding, or host a family party to celebrate?

Original poster

PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 17:55

Thank you again all - it's all food for thought and it's definitely helping me to see the bigger picture. Even the ones that I read wincing...

In terms of cost, had it been the same dates as last year when we could have gone for longer, then yes, we'd still have gone. I checked and the costs have increased a little from last year but its doable. However, to go for a week or even less, the costs are insane especially when you spend 2 days travelling and some of it jet lagged. However, I realise I brought cost into it which was a red herring, it's just part of my thought process.

Going alone is an option but, without my DH and DC, it honestly wouldn't feel great. There's some odd family dynamics at play, at times, and I wouldn't feel great being there alone.

OP posts:

Newkitchen123 · 27/04/2021 17:56

@webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll
We had a destination wedding. Ours was very much this is what we're doing, if you'd like to join us that would be lovely but we fully understand anyone who couldn't go and we were not offended in the slightest by anyone who couldn't go. We are from different parts of the country so wherever we had our wedding one side it both would have had to travel somewhere. There would have been no way round it. We are 40s /50s so a number of our relatives are retired etc Another member of our family lives abroad.
We were very touched with how many people attended and we had some very special family time.
My brother came without his wife (nothing to do with cost etc but that's another story)
So no, not every destination wedding is just thinking about themselves

saraclara · 27/04/2021 17:58

If I had absolutely no choice but to book a wedding date that my sibling couldn't go to, I wouldn't be announcing it in a group chat. I'd have contacted them first, and either face to face or by phone call. They really shouldn't have to find out like that.

Did he just not think about the school holidays? Or did he book knowing that you couldn't go? It's hardly a secret that the govt brought in fines to prevent prents taking kids out of school.

JennyBond · 27/04/2021 17:59

@Thewinterofdiscontent

People may disagree with me, but I think anybody who chooses a destination wedding is only really thinking about themselves and not their guests. When did it cease to be the norm to get married in your own locality, celebrating with all of your friends and family, and then just the couple go off on a fancy expensive holiday?

Primarily when it become £1000’s cheaper than the U.K.
(Also where the destination was prettier than a dated hotel half the county had already used fir their weddings, , the sun was guaranteed and you didn’t have to invite all and sundry).

But this is still the couple (or whoever is paying) thinking about themselves. They would rather have a wedding abroad than a budget friendly do in the UK in a venue that isn’t as fancy as they would like. It’s still more about the location that who can attend.

NoSquirrels · 27/04/2021 17:59

So it’s really not the cost in total but the cost for a week rather than a fortnight - because of school terms? I’d pull the kids from school in that scenario, unless it was e.g. Feb of an exam year like GCSEs or something. And I’m usually a stickler for the rules!

2018SoFarSoGreat · 27/04/2021 18:02

I can see how this feels really hurtful, OP, I really can. However, can you try to evaluate this differently? The issues are twofold.

Time - if the kids can't get out of school, then the cost is irrelevant. If they can:

Cost - you were willing to eat the costs last year, for a family holiday. Did you already earmark that money for something else?

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/04/2021 18:02

If you really want to see brother get married you will go alone ,

Unless gcse I would take kids out of school

if you can’t afford to take kids in term time you def won’t in holidays

Original poster

PaleBlueLavender · 27/04/2021 18:06

Honestly, thank you all so much. I hadn't considered it from their point of view and some of you have made some really valid points. I'm feeling a bit all over the place now.

To give a little context. Brother is the favoured child. From childhood, this has been the case, and while I'm used to it, I still find it painful at times. Parents deny it when I challenged them once, but it's demonstrated regularly and clearly visible to others.

DH and I are also the only ones with kids, so as a result, we're often excluded from events because they're for adults only, or we have no-one to watch the children, or when you add kids to the mix the cost is doubled, so this feels like a regular (pre-Covid) sore point for us.

DH and I are used to it, but I think this has felt like yet another time we're disadvantaged, for want of a better word, because we have a family. I think we've let this cloud our judgement when actually there is more to consider.

OP posts:

FortniteBoysMum · 27/04/2021 18:06

Unless I'm mistaken travel is cheaper in term time. Its for a family wedding so school may grant holiday. On the other hand it's extremely rare they issue fines and if they do its £60 per parent per child. This tends to still work out cheaper than holidays during school holidays. Unless major exams are coming up( which no ones having this year thanks to covid) I struggle seeing a reason not to be there.

Imnothereforthedrama · 27/04/2021 18:09

I don’t think it’s that they aren’t bothered you can’t come it’s only that they understand that you can’t go . It makes sense what you said the costs are too high and you have school age children to consider. I think it’s more your disappointed you can’t go but what do you expect them to do change the date to suit you ?
You can’t go it’s unfortunate but it is what it is . To get all upset because you want them to be devastated that you can’t go is unreasonable.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 27/04/2021 18:16

@Doghead

The world doesn't revolve around you OP. Did your parents not teach you that?

What a nasty thing to say. My wedding was nearly 40 years ago. Top of the guest list were parents and siblings, followed by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, then friends. We had it on a Friday but local to where my parents lived and where I'd grown up, so for guests the cost of attending was manageable. The idea of arranging a wedding that knowingly excludes a sibling and her family is beyond my comprehension. YANBU, OP.

Inertia · 27/04/2021 18:18

YANBU to feel hurt, but it sounds like it's part of a wider pattern where you and your family are not part of the considerations.

FWIW one of my siblings married abroad, I couldn't go as I could never have got time off work for those dates, most of my other family members went, and everyone still got along afterwards.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 27/04/2021 18:20

@Thewinterofdiscontent

People may disagree with me, but I think anybody who chooses a destination wedding is only really thinking about themselves and not their guests. When did it cease to be the norm to get married in your own locality, celebrating with all of your friends and family, and then just the couple go off on a fancy expensive holiday?

Primarily when it become £1000’s cheaper than the U.K.
(Also where the destination was prettier than a dated hotel half the county had already used fir their weddings, , the sun was guaranteed and you didn’t have to invite all and sundry).

Only £000s cheaper if you're planning a huge elaborate wedding. Pricing out less affluent family members and anybody with school-aged children or who can't take time off work in term-time is quite a selfish thing to do in my view.

MilduraS · 27/04/2021 18:21

As someone who got married with none of her friends or family there, I don't think it's a reflection of how they feel about you. I love my family dearly but I really didn't care about who else was there besides DH. Some people view weddings as an important family occasion, others as a great excuse for a party and then a few like me think it's all about making vows to each other. It's reasonable to be upset you won't be there but it would be unreasonable to tell them so. They might be a bit upset you're not able to make it but are playing it down because it's not your fault you can't make a wedding in the Caribbean. Equally they may only have invited the people they have out of obligation rather than a desire to have everyone there anyway.

TheLastLotus · 27/04/2021 18:21

But OP if you DIDNT have a family or a DH you could’ve still gone alone. That’s no excuse

You may have valid contextual reasons for feeling excluded based on your update but your brother has done nothing wrong. In fact as pp have mentioned if you just sent them a quick reply text - it looks like you’re the one who can’t be bothered to make an effort