Brother's wedding - I need some perspective

[PaleBlueLavender]

I could really benefit from some perspective here, please. I'm feeling hurt but I don't know if I'm too sensitive or this is completely understandable.

My brother and girlfriend were meant to be getting married in the Caribbean last year. As it was long haul with really expensive flights, we decided to make it into a longer holiday for us and the two DC, but of course Covid hit and so everything was put on hold.

Since then, my brother and girlfriend have announced a new date but it's slap bang in the middle of the school term. Our children aren't of an age we can easily pull them out of school and even if we could, the costs and logistics are crazy.

My parents don't appear to see an issue and the rest of the party I believe are still going. I absolutely understand this is their wedding and their decision, but AIBU to be hurt that the new date rules us out and nobody seems to care that we can't make it?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset, or should I just get over it because it's their day, end of story.

I think it is entirely reasonable for you to be upset that they appear unbothered. I would consider going by yourself for a week. I know it’s a shame for you all but if you really want to be there, maybe that’s the compromise?

Ah this is tricky for you op.

But to be fair I don't see what your DB could do to help resolve this.

Presumably the original wedding was cancelled due to covid, and holiday costs are double what they would normally be because everyone now wants to go on holiday to make up for the last year.

So also if they wanted to have the wedding in the holidays that would up the cost massively too.

So even if he could move it to the school holidays that would make it too expensive for them to do at all, and would probably mean lots of the other guests wouldn't be able to afford it either.

Therefore what would be more convenient for you would be more expensive for everybody, meaning that many people would probably cancel.

I do have sympathy for your DB here, he can't really win either.

Surely though you wouldn't want him to feel he should cancel his dream wedding and have it in the uk especially so that you and the kids can attend?

@ThetaSigma

I don’t subscribe to the “it’s our day” stuff. It’s not just your day if you’re inviting 100 people and asking them to spend money celebrating with you. Personally I’d have been mortified if anything we did meant our guests had to spend a fortune or which made it really inconvenient for them to attend.

This is perfectly said.

I would definitely be hurt too, but maybe as a PP said they are trying not to pressure you into going.

But I would definitely look into going alone or with just your DP if you have childcare. If you went alone it's only one ticket and perhaps you could share a room to keep costs down.

We've pulled ours out for a wedding. The school was actually very understanding. We spent a week in Hong Kong! Do consider it at least.

It will cost £100-200 per person for Covid Test and £100 each for jabs whenever you go. I suspect many guests may not realize the extra £300 and hassle involved. There is also the possibility of having to pay for Quarantine on return to the UK for two weeks...I am wondering if your brother has considered all these extra costs.

OP has already said that taking DCs out of school is not possible because they are in important secondary school years.

OP has already said that research has shown that going alone would cost around £3k which is a huge chunk out of the family holiday budget. OP has also said that there are some tricky dynamics so not sure who she would ask to share a room with.

I really dont get the suggestions of going alone. The family dynamics sound tricky, many of the guests are friends of B&G. OP would be stuck wandering around like a spare part.

I would consider going by yourself for a week. I know it’s a shame for you all but if you really want to be there, maybe that’s the compromise?

You think it's worth compromising three years' family holidays just to go and feel like a spare part? Even if she wanted to be a big wedding gooseberry amongst everybody else there with their families, I'm sure OP wouldn't feel it was up to her to decide to use up the money for three years of family holidays - it's not even like she'd actually enjoy being the recipient of such a big forced whole-family sacrifice on her own, anyway.

Aside from the huge financial outlay, most married people probably wouldn't choose to go to a restaurant, play or concert for two hours on their own, much less jet off to the Caribbean for a whole week.

Nobody seems to have addressed my earlier question, but I'm very interested to know how it usually happens with destination weddings: is it a week/fortnight-long party for everybody who's taken the trouble and expense to go over, including the B&G foregoing what would traditionally be a time when they would want to be alone together; or do they persist nevertheless with their in-situ honeymoon and drop everybody else like a hot turd as soon as the wedding day itself is over?

I think yes, absolutely you are right to feel hurt.

For several reasons, all perfectly valid, you are unable to attend.

The fact that no one seems to be upset over this makes you feel pretty shitty.

I would feel the very same.

I wouldn't delve into it further tbh with him. He didn't do you the curtesy of considering your situation when he picked a new date.

Yes I’d go for the travelling alone option, just you attend and partner/kids stay at home. Brother probably just wants to get the wedding sorted after all the disruption of Covid etc

At least he told you and you actually have the choice to attend our not as the case may be.

My mother remarried late last year (I don't even know which month) but she didn't even let my son or I know that she was doing it, she just sent my son (not me) a note after she'd done it telling him that she'd married and moved house.

So we were totally excluded in that we had no idea it was happening, at least the OP knows about her brother's wedding and has choices available to her!

The DB's and rest of family's muted response to OP saying she and her family wouldnt be able to attend may be because this was entirely what was expected and perhaps even subconsciously intended.

Timing and destination of wedding all imply that this wedding was never about getting family together to celebrate. Harsh as it sounds it does rather look like OP's invitation was a duty invite. B&G make the invitation comfortable in the knowledge that OP's family wont be able to attend.

Absolutely the worst thing a duty invite can do is actually turn up in a way that shows effort has been made (eg PaleBlueLavender attending alone). Duty invites are supposed to know their place. They are supposed to politely decline with regret. OP turning up alone would demonstrate just what a huge logistical nightmare the wedding was. That would not suit the B&G's narrative at all.

In your shoes @PaleBlueLavender I would almost be tempted to say that I was looking at how I could attend alone, perhaps put something on the group chat about if anyone would be happy to share with me just to keep costs down. Not because I had any intention of going but just to see the uncomfortable squirming.

I more than understand how you feel. I will say, however, that most men don't have that same "It's my one special day, and I must have all of my near and dear with me or it won't be complete" thing going on that women do. They just aren't wired quite the same as we are about things like that. For a bride, this is her day to be the princess she always dreamed of. For a groom, very often, it's more a matter of "let's do this and get it over with." Which is why there are so few "groomzillas." But I know you are terribly hurt, and why, and my heart goes out to you.

I agree with you, Mamanyt, but both the B&G have planned it this way - maybe with her calling the shots and making the big decisions. Considering that the main function of a wedding is to link two families, whoever has decided to make things so that key family members on either side can't make it has some warped priorities imho.

Maybe the bride has done every last bit of the wedding planning, but suppose they were needing a new car, and had long taken her elderly, frail grandmother to the supermarket every week, and medical appointments - and he'd been tasked with choosing one; I don't think most spouses would be very chuffed if he then came back with a low-down two-seater sports coupe, reasoning that it's her family member and not his.

Don't go.

Call your brother and explain how upset you feel. Don't expect anything of him in return. Tell him that too.

Take your holiday with your family another time.

Wish your brother well and carry on as before.

I doubt very much that it's personal. Is unthinking yes, and disappointing, but don't let this come between you. Weddings are funny things.

“I agree with you, Mamanyt, but both the B&G have planned it this way - maybe with her calling the shots and making the big decisions. Considering that the main function of a wedding is to link two families, whoever has decided to make things so that key family members on either side can't make it has some warped priorities imho.“

We didn’t get married for the purpose of linking two families. Did you?

Maybe with her calling the shots. Maybe. But we don’t know.

We didn’t get married for the purpose of linking two families. Did you?

Whether that's your express purpose or not, that's the reality of what a wedding/marriage is - unless you instantly go NC with all of your family, or each spouse deliberately goes/has NC with the other's family.

If neither of you have or value a family, then no; but assuming it isn't Royston Vasey(!) and you both originate from two separate families, how else does it work out when a person from each family marries a person from another one?

There was a recent thread where a new SIL wanted nothing to do with her new DH's family at all - no apparent acrimony, but she just saw them as his family and strangers to/nothing to do with her; and I think most people discussing it on here found it a little 'unusual'.

The relatively recent phenomenon of a wedding being 'our special day' and ' their day, their rules' etc etc leads into the ' our own little family' schtick and ultimately is one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high now.

Whether you like it or not , a marriage definitely joins two families not just two people and if you start out from the very beginning disregarding the wider family, it doesn't bode well for the future.

@Cavagirl

I don't understand the money thing?

You could afford to go last year - and make it a nice holiday - but not this year?

What's not to understand? The mind boggles. We've just been through 2 lockdowns and most people's financial circumstances have changed.

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow or maybe because people marrying now are established adults and are footing the bill for the wedding? Unlike in the old days when you weren’t considered an adult until marrying and family paid for the wedding .
Also people live further away now and rely more on friends. They may be closer than blood family.
Ultimately the word ‘family’ doesn’t entitle someone to be a part of the couple’s life. If they weren’t that close to begin with - I can see why people choose to spend their hard earned money on something that makes THEM happy rather than a bunch of other people who couldn’t care less about them the remaining 364 days of the year.

Hi OP I would feel a bit pissed off too, however, I think what's at fault is how your brother has not spoken to you, individually, as to the reason for the date change.

I bet your brother has been given literally a handful of dates that can still accommodate them - definitely if they want the wedding in the next year. There may be slightly more date options if they want to delay for 2 years or more. People book and save for years for these kind of weddings. All the date options will probably have some sort of cost implication on them - I bet this list of available dates and costs will be 95% of their decision making process. They will have had to make a decision quickly as dates would have been booking up all the time. They probably just went with a date that could get the most amount of people there. Unfortunately you & your family are the collateral damage. As you are probably aware, people who don't have kids or friends with kids will just not understand or even factor in children into their thought process.

I also wanted to tell you about my sister's wedding (now divorced) that she had on the west coast of Canada over 10 years ago. They did live there at the time but had only been there for literally a few months so hadn't made that many friends at that stage. They wanted to get married out there. They timed the wedding so that the groom's sister could go - she's a teacher - the wedding was over Christmas and New Year!!! The cost was fucking ridiculous. My sister said that hardly any of her friends were going and it was all 'just' family and I said what did she expect - most of your friends are nurses (she's a nurse) so not mega rich, some have children and it's at the most expensive time of year to travel. I went for 6 days (all I could afford). I found out I had been made redundant as I touched down at Heathrow - at that moment I realised I had just spent a fuck load of money on an OK wedding and I didn't know how I was going to pay my credit card off.

To all the posters who are saying 'you could afford it last year so why not this year?' 'Why don't you go by yourself?'- please show a little empathy for all the 10s of thousands of people who have been adversely affected by the pandemic - it's been brutal for so many families

Finally OP, your scenario is why 'destination' weddings are just shit

If this were one of my brothers then I’m guessing it didn’t occur to him at all. Then he was surprised/disappointed when you said you couldn’t make it. But he doesn’t feel he can change it now (and maybe his fiancée isn’t open to changing it now either, given all the hassle it’s probably taken to get to this point). I’m sure you don’t mean any less to him than he does to you.. but he’s a bloke... hugs

Def raise it with him over a couple of drinks just to put your mind at rest. I’d be gutted too. more hugs

Well it is their wedding day and they've already had to change the date because of covid restrictions. But the fact that they've decided to have it abroad and still expect their guest's to pay for their own tickets is outrageous,😮. So to be honest with you I can see why your peeved about this chosen date and possible choice of venue. I know having worked in a school that you could get that time off the school year with your kid's if you pre arranged it with the school head. But I suspect that you are not actually wanting to do it on principal. 1. You don't want to pull your kid's out of school. 2. It's a long way and alot of money and 3. Nobody seems to care wether you're there anyway. Mmmm food for thought me thinks. Of course on the other hand it may cause future tensions and if ever you want them to attend any celebration's of yours don't be surprised if they turn you down. I think you've got to think rationally do you have the money to do this, do you actually want to take your kid's out of school for your brother's wedding and why does nobody else care wether you're there or not. Are you a bit flippent in life anyway, meaning have you on occasion changed your mind or other people's plan's before to suit your own plans. Just take some time out for yourself and think about this.☺️

Having now rearranged our wedding three times, maybe he didn't have a choice in the date. We were reduced down to a choice of one date for ours. We have lost quite a few guests. We had to go with it or we wouldn't be getting married at all. We are risking not being able to get dp's mum over from another country as well but we cannot keep cancelling.