Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

The compromise would be him doing the commute as normal, him putting the kids to bed and then cycling afterwards

I don't think the solution is leaving him especially if you love him. I don't understand why people say ah just leave him. You have to work together to make a marriage work issues like these can be discussed between 2 adults.
It sounds rough but yes if you are a SAHM he does have to work to pay the bills. And hopefully when ur 2 kids go into nursery you can work too and balance things out at home. It sounds really tough having a newborn and a toddler all by yourself.
His work sounds like rough hours. Him cycling though is ridiculous. He probably didnt realise how much itd impact you because he isnt living ur life. Men can be like that. You really have to be clear that anytime he had away from work should be at home because its unfair him running off doing what he wants when ur home with the kids all day long. He does need to step up and you should also suggest on days he is off that u go and do somethingof ur own. Get some space and do something u like, self care/walk/ etc. U will go mad otherwise. Hopefully things will change soon and will get better for u.

Once he’s helped the kids and they are asleep he can cycle to his hearts content

Also tell him you’re at breaking point and arrange for him to have the kids for the whole weekend Friday night through till Sunday night and take yourself off somewhere quiet like a hotel with a spa

You need a break being at breaking point and he needs to be wholly responsible for the kids

The situation with his job is what it is you've accepted that and no doubt there a good finical side to it .
The only possible solution to this is to get a nanny for some help. If you won't get help then you can't really complain .

Christ some of these posts, clearly from people who have no concept of what it means to be a trailing spouse, and who either don’t work or work in roles where you do set hours and that’s it, and have no clue many jobs are not like that

There’s no reason for her to leave her husband. She loves him, they are a happy family even though he has a heavy role. It’s just a tough time due to two small kids and his work demands.

Is the cycling reasonable or not, I think you can compromise op, maybe once a week? But you need to get similar time for yourself if you wish it.

Ignore the hysterical reponses telling you to ltb and take the kids and move country , try to work a compromise, it will get easier, with lockdown ending and as the children get a little older.

All these people saying 'get a language tutor or do a language class', as if that's magically going to make the OP fluent in the local language...

If she's trying to learn something like German, a Scandi language or Hungarian, it's simply not enough doing an hour a week of it. The language can't be picked up like you would French, you need a deep understanding of the grammar and other rules first.

I've been in Germany for 18 months and I'm still not fluent, and I'm trying my hardest. I work in German, I live alone so all shops, doctors, appointments I attend myself and need to speak German at them, I speak German to my neighbours. I have been doing an intensive online course 3 hours a day, 4 days a week for the past 6 months. I started at A1 level and I'm currently finishing B2.2. On top of the 3 hour class a day, I have 1-2 hours of daily homework, plus extra tasks for the weekends. Learning a language is intense. I'm progressing faster than the average German learner but it's still difficult, and this is my seventh language so it's not like I'm rubbish at them.

When should the OP find the time to seriously start learning this language? She has two small children on her own for 12/14/16h each day. Who have unpredictable sleeping habits I assume, it's not like she can guarantee they'll be asleep each day 1-4pm so she can log in to her online course. Where would she find 5h a day to put up with the demands of learning a new, difficult language properly? For the first 12 months of me living in a new country I simply didn't have the time to put so many hours into learning the language.

Yes, TV, radio, books all help. But let's be honest, if I get one hour down time at the end of the day I just want to put some Netflix on that I can actually understand, because I haven't spoken English or my first language for the whole day and my brain is exhausted from trying to communicate and express what I want to, in a language I don't dominate yet.

You poor thing, I really really sympathise. I also moved to a new country 7 years ago now and was a SAHM with my ds. I remember waiting for DH to get home from his new job. He was always home by 6.30pm but the days are endless on your own, completely alone. I can't imagine what it is like trying to make friends through social distancing and an even more impenetrable language barrier. I think in the current pandemic situation, I would honestly consider three months back home near your family every six months. Your husband is working too much to be of any help and the children really are little. Please don't suffer this. No one will thank you and it is traumatising. You need to make friends but right now it is virtually impossible. Go back to the UK for an extended holiday, later when compulsory school starts you won't have that option. There is a reason all your ex pat friends went home!!! Your DH is not pulling his weight but that is immaterial, he gets home to late to be useful anyway. It's the other 17 hours of the day that are your problem, not the two when he's there.

Come home with the kids

Your Dh really lacks empathy for your situation. If you can, sit him down in a very unemotional discussion about why you need him around as much as possible, It's not about you not wanting him fit, it's about you suffering from severe social isolation due to lockdown and very young children. He doesn't get it because he interacts with adults all day whereas you are physically confined to caring for your two without a break and that is why those extra minutes he wants to spend cycling feel like abandonment to you. Babies are brilliant weights. He can get fit weightlifting the toddler for those extra 50 minutes every day.

More seriously, why don't you hire a UK or fluent English speaking au pair or home help. It would give you someone to talk to and halve the work load. A proper nanny would allow you to go out on your own while she cared for them, but if you don't fancy that, at least a home help or au pair is someone to chat to and you could take the DC out together as lockdown eases. Maybe a bi lingual one who could teach you a bit of your husband's native language. Worth looking into. You are way too isolated right now.

What's the long term plan here? It sounds like you're going to be in that country for at least the next 18 years, if not permanently.

Is it an Arabic country? I tried learning the language when I worked in the ME.... I think I managed the numbers up to 10 after 4 months of lessons!

How do you feel at the thought of living there for the next 2 decades?

If you honestly think everything will be rosy once you can learn the language and Covid restrictions are relaxed then fair play to you. Personally I'd be terrified for even one more year of the isolation you're experiencing.

No help OP but this sounds like my worst nightmare

Stuck in a country you don't know, effectively alone most of the time, unable to communicate, isolated, 100% dependent on one person (who has no interest in helping you)

What a miserable existence

Sounds like a nightmare, not conducive to a happy family life. It’s not all about the money, I would come home.

Can’t believe some pp are telling the OP to leave her DH. Why should she? She’s wants to be married to him and living in separate countries would not be good for the marriage. Also she isn’t a single mother, so that comparison is just crass.
It’s tough being an immigrant in a new country, particularly when you don’t speak the language. Op you need to find a way to start learning, it will open up your options in the future. You’d be able to get a job, hobby and make more friends, not just with other English speaking migrants.
Right now things are difficult because you have 2 very young kids and a husband who works long hours. This is the case for a lot of families in the UK too, so not unusual in that respect.
Covid has also made life difficult and isolating for so many people.
You need to hire in help eg with the garden. Sounds like he’s well paid, so why not. Doesn’t mean he shouldn’t pull his weight though.

He's not just working long hours though is he, he's making choices (garden centre/cycling) that keep him away from his dc and wife longer than he needs to. They are not "in this together".

I don't think I could ever be with someone whose job was so niche that it would never allow for me to have my own ambitions/plans. Well I suppose with a full time nanny or a boarding school it might work out! The inflexibility would wreck me.

People are trying to give you a reality check but you obviously don’t want it as your husband is so fabulous. How is he a good dad when he interacts for a few hours a week? How is he a good husband when he can’t see your exhausted and struggling? But he’s saying you need to exercise and it’s almost like that’s the solution. I wouldn’t stay there and I would
Move back home. You don’t have a marriage if you see him a few hours of an evening which inevitably it used up with showers, meal time and bed time. When’s your couple time? You need to wake up, it won’t get any better unless you take some drastic action and leave. Or find a way to increase his family time.

The OP may not be able to just come home with the kids, depending on whether or not the country she is in is signed up to the Hague Convention. If it is, then she can't do it without her husband's permission.
With COVID the way it is in the UK, it could be a loooong time before they could be back together, so it's really the nuclear option to leave and come back to the UK.

I'm still struggling to understand how a man can be a wonderful father when he doesn't parent his own children or support their mother

I'd make a wonderful vet if I didn't have to look after animals or see any animals and lived with a vet who did all the work. (Btw I work in IT )

You need support when you have children. I'd move home.

So far, any criticism of your DH you have jumped to his defence with "yes but...". Any suggestions as to what you should do you are throwing up objection after objection.
You only posted to complain. You're not interested in solutions. I've known people like you during my life. It's pointless trying to help you as you don't want help.

If the OP just comes back to the U.K. without the consent of the father of her children she would be breaking the law, could be arrested and may lose custody of the children. Many people on this thread have provided such stupid advice. It is not as simple as the OP choosing to leave.

Why the bloody hell did you move to a country where you don't speak the language? You didn't bother learning more than the basics before you settled down and now you're stuck on your own with two small children in a foreign country with a husband you barely see.

Your husband needs to pay for childcare while you attend language classes as a priority. Yes it will take a long time for you to learn and it will be time consuming and much harder when you have children but you'll just have to manage.

Your other alternatives are to just carry on as you are or to move back home. You don't see your husband much anyway so moving back home probably wouldn't be that bad. At least you could make friends and get a job.

Oh my goodness everyone is so melodramatic! No, don’t jump on the next plane home just because you are a young family trying to work out how to balance work, personal time and childcare. There are many many things you can do before you throw in the towel. Yes of course he has to work, but he also needs to be there for you. Lockdown has been incredibly tough as isn’t a reflection of real life. You need to tell him you need extra support - would his family really not help you with childcare a few days a week at the moment? I know you can’t speak the language but can your husband have a word and explain you are struggling? Also of course he can’t cycle twice a week - he needs to compromise on this one - maybe once a fortnight if he then gives you the same amount of time at the weekend to yourself to do whatever you like?