Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

So I think you have 2 problems.

1. your living situation which leaves you isolated. You've already said you don't want to change this problem.

2. your dh trying to keep his free time and headspace like he isn't the parent of a new born. You can sort this.

Tell him that it isn't that you aren't letting him work out. It's that he now hasn't got the time to work out as he has caring responsibilities. This will change in the future but for now he should be making his way home asap. If he wants to blame anything for lack of work-out time blame his job. Not you. He chose to have children. He needs to look after them. He has left you on your own too much and it needs to stop.

Similarly he needs to know that the garden or DIY is not a priority right now. Yes to getting a gardener and a cleaner.

You are doing a 24/7 job with no respite. Like it or not this is going to wear you down if it goes on long enough. And I don't just mean the new born years. I mean being consistently left looking after dc. Some men will happily leave it all up to their wives and some women are doormats and take it. You need to get this in check now as you are letting him walk all over you and setting up expectations for the future. Eventually it kills your relationship. I know many mums who have older dc and absent husbands. They are not the same carefree people I met when younger. They don't respect or like their partners and some divorced.

"Crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night"

My DH does this btw or gets home later or stays away. He still shares parenting equally with me. I work now but when I was on mat leave then he didn't want to spend 4 hours a day riding bike on top of work commitments. So its your dh who is being unreasonable.

@HollowTalk

Oh don't ask me because I think in your position I would come home with the children. I couldn't see any point in living in a country where I didn't speak the language and hardly saw my husband.

Just btw though - he's not a great dad. If he was, he'd be more concerned about their mum.

What she said ^

People have set themselves up in living situations based on assumptions of unfettered travel across national borders and cheap flights.
Quite. It was clear to me back in the 1990s that I was entering "voluntary exile" when moving abroad: I wouldn't just be popping back and forth, wouldn't have support and wouldn't even have English media to make me feel at home. People who have moved more recently have done so with totally different expectations.

And however you imagine things will be, you only really know what parenting is when you become a parent - and you only know what life abroad is when you live abroad in the long term. In combination, you can get quite a nasty surprise.

Lots of people saying they would move their kids to another country, taking them away from their dad. Really? Even if it was legal (which it is not) would you really do that? My mum just moved to the other side of the UK to my dad when I was four, and that was bad enough, only seeing my dad in the holidays. Did those of you who would do that by choice have bad relationships with your dads?

He is BU about the cycling to work and being out so much in general. You and the DC need to be his priority right now. Your situation sounds really difficult OP. Is there an expat community you can connect with?

@HollowTalk

Oh don't ask me because I think in your position I would come home with the children. I couldn't see any point in living in a country where I didn't speak the language and hardly saw my husband.

Just btw though - he's not a great dad. If he was, he'd be more concerned about their mum.

If the children where born and live there she likely cant just move them to the UK.

There have been many cases like this, it classes as kidnaping unless you have the complete support of the partner and international rules will have the children expidited back to their birth/main country.

Lots of people are saying to OP ' You just need to talk to him frankly and tell him what things are like for you and that he needs to spend more time with you etc.'

These people have clearly only ever dealt with reasonable people. Some people aren't reasonable. When you talk to them about how things look to you, or they are thinking about is how that makes them feel or impacts on them. From what OP has said about her husband, it looks very likely that he is in the latter camp.

OP, just a thought, but could you work for a UK or english speaking company remotely? I have a friend who moved to a far flung land a year ago and has recently got his old job from the UK back (the guy who replaced him left and I guess the pandemic made them realise that their staff don't have to be physically present!). Have a think about this as an option - it would give you some financial independence and give you more options in the future.

I really think that your only option, if you can't return to the UK, is to build up a complete life for yourself independent of your husband. This will give you a financial, emotional and mental strength that you will need whatever happens in the future.

He says by 'not letting' him cycle and get the cardio he needs I am making him suffer because I am suffering, and why do we both have to suffer?

So what you are saying, DH, is that knowing that I am already suffering you think it’s fair that I should suffer even more so that you don’t have to suffer at all? [Paddington Hard Stare]

or they are thinking

Should have been 'ALL they are thinking about'.

This is an incredibly difficult situation, at breaking point for you but clearly less than ideal for him too. You need an action plan:

-it sounds like he earns more than enough for a nanny and a cleaner. You are struggling, therefore these are not optional. He works long hours it’s a bit unfair to expect him to spend all his spare time on childminding when some of your income can lighten the load for you both. It sounds like you are refusing to get a nanny, why when this is too much for you?

-a childminder each morning or 3 days a week means you now have time to yourself, which you can spend on building social links and learning the language. You need to learn it now, otherwise you have no chance to build relationships with his family or a proper network. You can also spend some of this time on exercise, which it sounds like you want. I don’t think it’s fair for you to expect him to be 100% of your social interaction when he works long hours, if you can lighten your load you have the space to make your own links.

-it’s not unfair for him to want a bit of time to himself. He’s working hours that in the leaves would be stressful, without the home situation. You both need child-free time, the only way this is possible without him being unable to sleep/get exercise or a bit of downtime is to get child care.

I’m in a bilingual family, it’s a necessity to learn the language quickly. It can’t wait until the kids are older, when they know the language and you don’t. If you feel like an outsider now you will feel worse then. And it’s not fair to them either. Do whatever you can to learn it now. Your husband needs to help you with it to make it easier for you!

You're not being unreasonable at all but neither does he. If you have different cultural backgrounds you need to be more clear for your husband to understand you. In a traditional setting there would be other women supporting you physically and mentally but it's different now. Explain calmly how hard it is and what you need, and be very specific, don't expect him to just know.

Can you look after the kids for 30 min Saturday morning so I an have time for myself to do X etc

It may feel like forever now but will get easier as lockdown eases and your children grow a bit.

In the language issue... Is Duolingo an option?
Short lessons daily, and it's free. It won't get you to fluency but it would be regular practice while covid has so many other options closed.

As an immigrant into the UK...I would be absolutely slated if I came to the UK, had kids and hadn't bothered to English well enough to socialize. That's on you, especially as you went there pre-kids but were too arrogant to think you'll need to interact with the locals. My partner is English and learning my language because he wants to speak to my family and we don't even live in my home country. You need to take some responsibility and start learning now.

Yes, you made the decision to emmigrate and you need to deal with the situation, not just moan. It sounds like your DH is in a tough spot work wise and needs to work. You're at home all day, he can't be responsible for your social life.

You have rejected one obvious solution i.e. getting a nanny. You've also rejected his offer to watch the kids for you to go out at the weekend. So what are you going to do? We don't even know what country you're in so we can't give you any practical advice.

And no, he does not need to cycle to work. There is a time for everything, and right now his time is needed more elsewhere, with his family.

Basically it’s consideration and priorities, isn’t it.

He works long hours and you are isolated and need him when he is not working.

He wants to cycle (always with the bloody cycling) because he feels he needs cardio.

You aren’t being unreasonable. You know that.

Be really clear with him.

Because you work unpredictable hours I have to accept that. But in return I need you to accept that at this particular point in our lives, you can’t have the free time you’d ideally like. We both need to compromise. It won’t be forever, but right now I need you to be home when you say you will be. You need to fit in cardio in a less time-consuming way.

Him cycling to work is not the problem here—the whole setup is unsustainable. You need a nanny and you need to use that time to learn the language, I don’t see any other solution here. Him having an extra 2 hours with the kids a week changes little about your situation.

I have been in a similar position and I would advise you now to ask your husband for help in learning at least a little of the language to get you started. I am assuming you are planning to stay there permanently, in which case you will struggle when the children go to school or nursery and you don't understand their work.

As for the cycling, whilst he would like that time to relax, it should be either on his days off or after the children are asleep and you should expect him to enable you to have the same time.

Lockdown will not last forever so hold on there and things will improve for you if you forge your own social life then. And get a gardener.

Sorry but your life sounds awful. It is also unsustainable. You will become more and more resentful, he will become more angry with you for not just being happy with your lot and your relationship will break down.

Ultimately, I think your biggest problem if that happens is whether he will let you bring the kids back to the UK? I'm guessing not. You are in a very difficult situation.

I will respond properly when the kids are in bed tonight.

Just a few points quickly...

I do know enough of the language to get by in shops and restaurants etc...

I have been using Duolingo etc and I can understand roughly what is going on when conversations are happening around me but I cannot contribute...this language is very difficult snd very hard to pronounce...if you do not pronounce each work correctly, no one understand you. So speaking is very hard.

I understand when my DH speaks to my sons and I know all the words my 2 year old says...

I do need to work harder on the language but balancing this with the kids is hard...I plan to do this when things settle a bit more...

If this language was Spanish or French then things would be very different but it isn't...I will get there but I won't be conversationally fluent for a long time, that is the same for everyone learning this language...

I agree.. it sounds like hell 🌸

Would your income stretch to a language tutor each week? It sounds like you know enough to be able to at least spend some time with his family?

I think a lot of the posts to date could be summarised as 'throw money at the problem'. While I am not normally a fan of this because it can cover over cracks and unfairnesses that should be dealt with, I think in your case you definitely should do so to get you and your husband through this clusterfuck of very young children, absent dad, poor language skills and social isolation. Language tutor, gardener, nanny to free you up, none of them need to be forever but they might just get both of you over this big hill in front of you right now with your sanity and marriage intact. It is certainly worth a try. In a year or more you will be able to travel more freely, your children will provide means of connecting with people as they enter school etc, your language skills will have improved and then see where you are. Having such young children is a bit of a slog in the best of circumstances, you are in far from the best of circumstances

Well I'm Scandi, if it's my language, i will offer to help you . I don't expect so because most people here speak English, but none the less.