Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

@mammaohohohoh

He says by 'not letting' him cycle and get the cardio he needs I am making him suffer because I am suffering, and why do we both have to suffer?

In fairness he has said that if I want to do something at the weekends then he will support me...if I want to go for a cycle or something...

And someone mentioned going to a language class or baby groups etc...nothing is open because of lockdown...

OP what is he doing to make your life easier? You're the one making all the sacrifice here. You shouldn't have to ask the father of your children to do his fair share. He knows you're suffering and yet still wants to get his own way.

OP start taking back some control here and stop being so bloody spineless. Start working out what your options are here and do something about your situation.

I don't think you should complain about the hours that your Husband works, he is working for a reason. Your part ,is being a SAHM for the time being, and you should be able to cope with two small children in the mean time. It is obviously more difficult being where you live, and the language difficulties,but you knew this would be the case.

You don't rush back home because of a few difficulties that you encounter along the way. Your Husband sounds like a nice kind of man.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

His priority is himself. He clearly wants to avoid the baby and toddler, unless they are asleep. It's a common strategy - but he's come up with a new twist. He needs cardio! and gardening.

@Ithinkyoucan I completely agree with you. The dynamic is not healthy and the husband has no reason to change because he gets everything he wants this way. My ex husband said very much the same - he didn't want to do something and there was no point both of us being unhappy (I.e. it's fine for you to be unhappy as long as I'm ok). A pretty terrible thing to hear from your partner. He sounds like a twat.

@1forAll74

I don't think you should complain about the hours that your Husband works, he is working for a reason. Your part ,is being a SAHM for the time being, and you should be able to cope with two small children in the mean time. It is obviously more difficult being where you live, and the language difficulties,but you knew this would be the case.

You don't rush back home because of a few difficulties that you encounter along the way. Your Husband sounds like a nice kind of man.

God, you’re easily pleased aren’t you?

I let my husband cycle to and from work. Sure I could do with the help and I am sometimes jealous but he’s a human and needs daylight and exercise. Unless I missed something op is free to go on walks etc during the day while dh is at work?

Even though you can't speak the same language as his family, you could definitely still spend time with them - just hanging out, going to the park, cooking, loads of stuff that doesn't depend on in-depth conversations? Surely they want to get to know the children?

I don't think you should complain about the hours that your Husband works, he is working for a reason
Because he likes his career and he doesn't see why anything should come in the way of it.

You don't rush back home because of a few difficulties that you encounter along the way
These aren't a few difficulties. They are fundamental destructive forces in how he views OP and how he responds to the issues she brings to him ( to dismiss them and carry on doing what he wants, and then blame her or make her feel guilty for trying to assert herself in anyway).

Husband sounds like a nice kind of man This line makes me suspect you are just having a laugh.

OP - firstly to answer your question about the cycling. Yes it is selfish! DP and I had exactly the same conversation about a hypothetical house move a few weeks ago - I'm pregnant and we were looking at houses slightly further from his job (5-10 mins in car) due to affordability. He said he would want to cycle to work which would be over an hour each way due to the route - with me at home with 2 young kids while he had a leisurely cycle instead of 15-20 mins in the car! He also couldn't see the selfishness - but of course it is selfish. The working parent has a break away from home - yes they are working but it adds a a different dimension to their day and should make coming home a pleasure. The person at home is stuck in monotony and needs a break/some help when the working parent comes home. So for the working parent, who has all the advantages of time out the house, mental stimulation, adult company, time in their own head etc etc, to want more time out the house for their own pleasure is just selfish. YANBU.

I don't blame your DH for working the hours he has to work. But he should have understanding of how hard it is for you. And it must be so, so lonely and boring in your situation. Having learned another language in my late 20s, I totally understand how hard it would be with 2 young kids. I did it pre-children and it was a lot of work.

A few people have suggested a woman to help with the house/ childcare and I know women who have moved abroad due to a high earning partner who have done exactly that. This is surely an option for you? If you live in a European country, this would give you an opportunity to join language classes and make friends?

I wonder if you might be in somewhere non-European where your options are more limited. In that case, I'd suggest still getting a woman in to help and a private language teacher for the time being.

If these things are not possible, I can't see how you can be happy. Stuck at home in a country where you don't speak the language with young kids and no support - it's horrible. You would need to speak to your DH to find a different way of life as you only live once and you are wasting previous time in a horrible trap.

Good luck.

OP, please don’t just leave. If you are a thinking about this as a course of action, you need to research The Hague Convention first.

*precious time

He says by 'not letting' him cycle and get the cardio he needs I am making him suffer because I am suffering, and why do we both have to suffer?

Come on op, he is guilt tripping you without making things easier for you.

In fairness he has said that if I want to do something at the weekends then he will support me...if I want to go for a cycle or something...

I hope this includes soaking for two hours in the bath, laying on your bed on sm. He is not to deem how you spend your me time.

I thought you just worked hard to make this work, but I now suspect you are just being taken for a ride and accepting it.

I love him...I made the decision to move to his country before I had the kids, I didn't know how hard it would be. So I need to stand by that decision, right?
Within reason only. Of course you don't want your child to have no contact with its father in the long term. But these are unusual circumstances in which it's very hard for you to get support, and it would be absolutely fair for you to go to the UK for, say, six months, after which time the situation may be totally different.

Ignore the people who have either never learnt a foreign language to fluency, or who had basic English in school before coming to the UK and were thus not learning a foreign language from scratch as an adult, with a tiny baby. It is a totally different situation. However hard you try, you're not going to be having lovely chats with anyone soon, certainly not in the next couple of months before lockdown is over.

If you stay, your husband can get a bike rack for the car, drive part of the way to work, park the car somewhere and cycle the rest, 30 minutes extra instead of an hour. In return, he can give you two and a half hours free every weekend to do whatever the fuck you like. And book in an hour a week relationship counselling; he needs an outsider explaining that his lifestyle is not something a wife would normally put up with.

You sound like a prisoner. This is not a life I would want.

Have you no time to learn the language online or is so it so niche no language service would provide it? what language do the kids speak?

I would let him do his cycling - he probably feels the need to keep fit since he's now in management. And take up his offer to look after the kids and go cycling or walking yourself ... he might get a glimpse of how hard it is.

I’m in such a similar boat to you OP, your situation really resonates. I would not be happy about the cycling either. I might compromise on once a week if he can agree to you getting the same amount of ‘time off’ to do what you want at the weekend. It’s really tough though and you have my sympathies.

sorry as an aside did you know very young babies can have their tongue tie done under a local anathestic?
www.nhs.uk/conditions/tongue-tie/

It’s been so hard on parents living abroad being isolated from their families and support during covid.

I also have a husband that works long hours 7 days a week and it's so hard! And I only have a toddler (am pregnant with number 2), have friends locally and support from my in laws.

I can remember getting mad at him for stopping at tesco for something completely non essential (like bread or milk that we still had in the house) and he didn't get it at all.

Basically, anything that you do on your own is a total luxury and he needs to realise that. If he's never been left alone with 2 young children for weeks at a time, he probably doesn't think that way.

Rather than him seeing you as 'stopping' him cycling, can you sit down and figure out a more convienient time for him to do it, like when you haven't been on your own with kids for 12 hours on your own? If you say he should get weekends on his next project, can he wait till then? And then you get 1.5 hours to yourself also to do what you want to do?

Or does he get a lunchbreak, he can go out for half an hour, put his bike in the car with him? Or take the bike in the car one day, then cycle home, and cycle in the next morning? Or buy one of those bike trailers and put the kids in it - extra resistance training.

No point you being there
Might as well just come home ,live with your parents untill u get sorted

He just doesn't get it, does he? There was a programme on TV years ago, where men like this were left for a whole day looking after the kids, whilst the women had a spa day. The men had no idea how hard their wives days were. It was quite funny. If I was you, I'd arrange a day out after lockdown eases. Leave at 6am and don't come home until 8pm. Let him see what it's like. Then remind him you do this every day.

OP I would tell him that you need to have a conversation - tell him to get his arse home for 8pm as you need to talk. Tell him it's important.

I would tell him that you absolutely understand his desire to have some 'me time' and prioritize cycling to work a couple of times a week so that he can have some exercise and headspace. That's fine, and completely understandable. I would explain that the quid pro quo for this is that you also get the same 'me time'. You also get to exercise (if you want - or it might be you want to do something else) and get some headspace. You will help and be supportive of his time but he MUST help and be supportive of your time. You are supposed to be equal partners and he needs to give you the same respect and support that he's expecting of you. If he can't do this for you then you obviously can't do anything more for him.

Finally, I would really spell out to him how lonely you have been and how hard things are for you. I wouldn't pull your punches on this, infer or drop hints etc. Tell him that your life is miserable. You don't feel supported and that things need to change.

What size town do you live in OP? Big enough for there to be an expat network normally, you say. Any chances of finding an (older?) expat to act as a stand-in grandma or just for zoom chats?
Are there any language tandem schemes, to kill two flies with one stone: normal adult conversation in EN and learning the local language?

If the OP's children are citizens of the country where they reside, can she just leave? I would think there are lots of places where that isn't an option. She could leave, the kids not so much.

If they have lived there more than 3 months and this country is under the Hague Convention, then she can't take the kids off without permission, but she could take them with her husband's permission, yes - e.g. for a few months. Longer than that if they both agreed, obviously, but OP presumably does not want to cut the kids off from their dad in the long term.