Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

As an ex-pat Spaniard living in Australia I know how difficult it is to learn a second language when you are an adult. But you need to.

Your problem is isolation, an isolation that even with your husband having a 9-5 job you would still feel in time. No spouse can fulfill all roles in our lives, you need friends to have "me time" apart from husband and kids. Without being able to communicate the isolation is going to increase as the kids grow up and make friends.

When I came to Australia 8 years ago my English was awful. I could write and read but I couldn't understand it. The Australian accent overwhelmed me and hated being spoken to. Most of the time waiting for a bus, I would look at the pavement or have my earplugs on to stop people talking to me. I did online courses for 2 years and forced myself to go to the shops and speak English even if the most common answer I received was "whaaaaat"?

With the baby now being a bit less demanding look into online courses. Fit them into your routine, you'll find that one or two hours a day, make a lot of difference in a few months.

Don't try to limit your interactions to the ex-pat British community. It's a mistake many British abroad make and they are never part of the community they live in.

You can do this if you think about it as a job. You don't like it, you prefer not to do it but you HAVE to do it.

OP, you're doing your best. Hang in there. Things will get easier as the kids grow and things start opening up again. Don't beat yourself up about learning the language. That requires a lot of mental energy, which you just don't have now. And it's best done when you're out and about talking to native speakers frequently, which is limited because of the pandemic. It probably doesn't help that you're an English speaker, as in my experience people are excited to practice their English skills with you rather than engage in their native language (depending on where you are).

Your DH is doing his best, too. Working long hours away from his family must be difficult, and it is a lot of pressure to be the sole breadwinner. However, the cycling (though it is healthy) falls into the category of "hobby" in my opinion, and unfortunately there's just not room for that at the moment. If I've read your post correctly, it would add two hours to his day. He wouldn't expect to do two hours of golfing twice a week, would he? As @Holly60 said, maybe once a fortnight, but then think of something that you can do as downtown as well.

downtime, not downtown

If he’s earning that much money, surely someone can be paid to do the garden. But that isn’t going to solve things I know. I think I’d stick it out until COVID allows things to be more normal for you and see how you feel then. Also not sure whether it’s the way you say it or not but a couple of times you mentioned DH told you - to make friends, to do exercise. Maybe he’s trying to encourage you but you have a small baby, not exactly helpful to add more to your pile.

~double checks this isn't a thread of mine from 8 years ago...~

You are at the worst stage, as I remember. After 3-4 months things start to get easier as you get into a routine. I know that's not much consolation but you will find it easier.

Try to do what you can to learn the language, local kids tv is good!

It will get easier once nursery and kindergarten start, you will also meet more people and likely one or two will speak some English.

Don't argue about the bike commute. We had the same, but actually, overall, it's better. He has to commute and as he's done long rides during the week, won't be going off at the weekend. Perfect time for you to say "here are the kids, I'm going for some exercise".

Sort your own routine for the Dc when he will be late home. Introduce it as "dads going to be late tonight, so we're getting ready for bed now" even if it's at 4 or whenever! I still call my kids in early on the pretext DH is going to be late tonight

Look to see if you are entitled to reduced or free post natal physio.

Look for a local English club or American club. Often you can do a language exchange where you meet for a coffee and speak half an hour in local half an hour english.

Look for an expat group/ website and see if they do meet ups.

Don't forget google translate. My neighbours mother came to look after her kids last year, we've no language in common and managed to hold a few conversations by speaking different languages to each other and using google.

Hi OP. I really feel for you. Your littlest is still only 3 months old, which is often still quite a taxing time, and you still can't travel to see your family. I think things will improve. I think your OP needs to step up more. We all give up a lot when we have kids and to come straight home from work and never cycle to work us just par for the course really. BTW re language. My OH has a friend whose wife has been in the UK for 10 years. She has been learning english all that time and I know properly committing to it. I still can't communicate with her without them there to translate (they also all speak another language) as she is incomprehensible to me. It is both pronunciation and language structure. I feel for her too as I know the OHs kind of wish we could be friends too and she is a nice woman. But we can't be friends as we don't speak the same language. Of course you should persevere but others should also recognise that for some people learning a new language is very hard.

I have lived in another country without understanding the language and can empathize. My social circle was also other expats so I can understand how easy it is live in that expat bubble. However, I knew my DP was there for a stint of just 2-3 years so I could get by without taking the trouble to learn the language ( which I had started to learn but never got fluent.) In your case for the short term, I would recommend

1. Get cleaner, nanny and gardener. Your husband is doing those hours for the big pay check and at this moment you need to throw money at the problem. Why are you hesitant to get a nanny? You need time apart from your kids to focus on yourself if you are to be able to continue to be a good mom. You are not doing anyone a favour by being overwhelmed and over your head. You have the resources so use them to make your life better. I hope this is not something your partner would object but if he does make it very clear that you feel very isolated and overwhelmed with managing two kids by yourself and you need adult company and also help so you can have some time for yourself. Don't cheap out ... Get a live in nanny or 5 day a week full time nanny so you have help on hand. Take this time to carve out a few hours a day to soak in the bath, relax with a cup of tea and catching up with friends and family back home.

1. Make your husband look after the kids for a very long block of time say all day on Saturday or Sunday. He gets to do his exercise and work on weekdays but one day a week the kids are his responsibility. Step out of the way and do your own thing on Saturday. With covid there are not many options but even if it means going out and getting a cup of coffee and sitting in the park reading a book... Do it. You need a day to yourself and your husband needs a day where he is actually parenting and looking after his children by himself. Sunday is the family day.

1. Long term - start learning the language and get a job so you are not in such a vulnerable situation.

@mammaohohohoh

He says by 'not letting' him cycle and get the cardio he needs I am making him suffer because I am suffering, and why do we both have to suffer?

In fairness he has said that if I want to do something at the weekends then he will support me...if I want to go for a cycle or something...

And someone mentioned going to a language class or baby groups etc...nothing is open because of lockdown...

He seems to be struggling to understand that priorities change when you have children. His workouts need to fit with family life - long cycles don’t work at the moment - can’t he get a suitable buggy which he can use to go for a run with the two year old, which would give him cardio and give you time with just the baby. Or get a stationary bike for the spare room so that he can do a high intensity spinning, then at least he’s contactable if you need him to help with something?

It sounds as though everything is on his terms. He’s offering you time off, but only at the weekend when it suits him, and if it’s for something he deems important such as exercise. Why can’t he take the kids on a Tuesday night so that you can read a book or catch up on Zoom with an old friend? I think you need to be very clear and firm about what you expect to get your needs met, in terms of the time he needs to give and when.

Hello, I have been in much the same living situation. Your husband is being a twat, but actually the problem isn't really him, it's your living arrangement. It doesn't seem totally unreasonable for a person who works very hard to want to cycle to and from work for their mental and physical health. The problem is that it IS unreasonable if their partner is having a very restricted life and desperately needs support. If you're counting the minutes till he comes home, your happiness is too dependent on him. That's a lot for him to carry. I'd move back to the uk where he can cycle and you can access more support and a better quality of life.