Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

With no details it's hard to know what to suggest.

Would you be legally allowed to leave if you chose to?

How much does he earn? Is it enough to pay for help?

If it were possible for you to go away for 2 nights 2 days. What would he do?
Look after them or palm them of on someone else?

Does your son really know who he is or does he call any man who spends 5 mins with him Daddy?

Hard to pronounce language - ugh. This is what Ive learned from my reading on integration/personal experience:

• you need a language parent. Someone outside the family who is sympathetic and will correct you in the same way you do a toddler
• pensioners, particularly retired teachers are very good at fulfilling this role, as are children aged 7 - 10.
• start with topics that interest you. A mate reads everything she can about George Michael in our second language. I learned the Girl Guide promise.

When are the nurseries due to open? Is there an end in sight?

I haven't read through all the posts so I'm sorry if I've missed anything I'm asking here.
Does he know how miserable you are now? If he's brushing it off, tell him. Sit him down and say you're finding this massively tough right now. Maybe he genuinely isn't getting it and he needs it spelled out. I'm not defending him or saying it's right, just thinking of your needs.
Can you not spend some of the money you would normally spend on flights home for help with childcare? A nanny or babysitter a day or two a week to give you your own time. Then you really can take up an online language class, get some exercise or just relax and have some you time.

Are you in the Far East op?

I think the western idea of both partners pulling weight equally at home with children and work is still bedding down in a lot of places. It wouldn't be something I had the patience to wait to fall into place, in your situation. However, I think you've made a big investment in your life abroad and maybe knowing more of the language would smooth things over.

I agree with pp that it's hard for all immigrants to new countries, and the answer isn't always to give up because learning the language is too much hassle.

Can you not acquire some language tuition? Perhaps dvds, books or a
a private teacher. Then again you could get some language help from your dh even if it only basic to begin with. That would be my priority. Can dh not find someone to help.

@Viviennemary

What a complainer you sound. Your DH is doing his best to financially support his family. Why didn't it you leave a bigger gap between your children if you were going to be unable to cope. That's what I did.

Guess the OP needs to just shove one back up there now that she knows 🙄

Knock the comments about exercising in the evening on the head as well as this ridiculous bike idea. Get him a bike with a child carriage and baby seat on it, and he's welcome to get his cardio in before he drives to work each morning and after he gets home in the evening while looking after his children. You can use that time for you, and he can be a wonderful father in person more often. If he can't see this solves all of his problems... then you need to make clear it'll be tough for him to manage fifty percent of childcare on his own if he pushes you out due to negligence.

Are there any anglophone mums that you can connect with via Facebook or similar in your area? I have been in a similar situation to you (abroad, isolated, no family support for the first few years of babies, husband working away for up to 3 weeks at a time, and then when he was home he was working on building our home and , so wasn't very acailable) and it was very hard. We were trying to build a better future for ourselves, and I think we succeeded, but it has been a hard journey, and I still feel like I am under house arrest sometimes. On the flip side I am now extremely capable and can do anything.
I found it really helpful to have connected with other English speakers near me. I am not the most sociable person, but have been very grateful for these friendships.
Good luck. It will get better. But you are doing the hardest part now.

Sorry but there is so much crap here. I usually come down on the side of agreeing with the majority advice, but not here! So what we seem to be saying is that if he was unemployed and sitting on the sofa all day with the kids he would be perfect?

The reality of your situation sucks, I'm not saying it doesn't. But he is the sole earner, getting the money for you, him and the kids. He is working ridiculous hours and it's probably doing a real number on him. You get no break, neither does he, don't seem to be any winners here. He is obviously trying his best and I'm guessing he is very determined and focused. Who heck does those kinds of hours and then worries about their fitness regime!

He is trying to carve out some headspace in his life. The cycling has nothing to do with fitness, it's some downtime when he can be alone to process and think. He needs this, don't take that away.

If you need more of his time I'm not saying you shouldn't get it, but it needs to be found somewhere else in the budget, not here.

The bottom line, you are both yanbu, he needs the cycle, but he will need to find a little more time for you somewhere. Sounds like an awful work life balance. You, him and his work need to talk.

Ofc you shouldn't dump him and go back to the UK, that's silly unless you are just planning on divorce and single parenting. Sorry but sometimes there are just piles of shit advice here.

He is a wonderful father Really? Cos it sounds like he couldn’t pick the children out of a line up since he never sees them. He’s also a terrible husband, there’s not one supportive thing you’ve listed, just a whole lot of ‘you need to make your life work for you despite being a completely alone mum with tiny children and post birth issues in a foreign country. This is your problem, I’m busy.’ I mean, he could help you. But he’s at the garden shop. He could help you, but he’d rather cycle 150kms. Etc.

Gardening is so inessential in these circumstances. It sounds like the dinner party where I didn’t have a meal cooked and dh was carefully dividing flowers into seven small vases and putting them around the house. I tore strips off him. In your case, your dh can next cycle or garden or shop for inessentials when you’ve had 2 hours break outside sleeping hours that week. That goes for ever single week.
You should talk to him about moving back, this is no life!

Like @oldshoeuk, I am also thinking contrary to majority here.
I think the comments calling him a horrible father because of his work schedule are too harsh. By their standard, I must be a horrible mother....and I know I wasn’t.
I put my 11 week old babies with a childminder and worked from 6am to 6pm....so I left the house at 5 am and did not get home until 7pm. This job lasted for four years and first 2 DCs. I didn’t “rush home to be with my children”. Nonsense.. I dragged myself home bone tired and then put on a mask of happy face and energy to get through the next few hours until I could go to sleep...only to be still woken up a few hours later because breastfeeding. My husband also worked and was doing a post graduate degree....so he had it hard as well.

And no, we could not afford any more outside help like cleaner or gardener because child minder fees were exorbitant.

Look, I don’t think either if you is BU. You are both in a tough situation which is exhausting both of you. I think your DH needs the 2hrs a week time to himself as much as you need time to yourself as well. If you can get a babysitter or childminder for a few hours a week so you can do whatever you need to decompress and feel human....ask for it. It’s not selfish for either of you to carve out a few hours a week because it’s the differences between heading for a breakdown and managing it as things will get easier as the children get older.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Like *@oldshoeuk*, I am also thinking contrary to majority here. I think the comments calling him a horrible father because of his work schedule are too harsh. By their standard, I must be a horrible mother....and I know I wasn’t. I put my 11 week old babies with a childminder and worked from 6am to 6pm....so I left the house at 5 am and did not get home until 7pm. This job lasted for four years and first 2 DCs. I didn’t “rush home to be with my children”. Nonsense.. I dragged myself home bone tired and then put on a mask of happy face and energy to get through the next few hours until I could go to sleep...only to be still woken up a few hours later because breastfeeding. My husband also worked and was doing a post graduate degree....so he had it hard as well.

And no, we could not afford any more outside help like cleaner or gardener because child minder fees were exorbitant.

Look, I don’t think either if you is BU. You are both in a tough situation which is exhausting both of you. I think your DH needs the 2hrs a week time to himself as much as you need time to yourself as well. If you can get a babysitter or childminder for a few hours a week so you can do whatever you need to decompress and feel human....ask for it. It’s not selfish for either of you to carve out a few hours a week because it’s the differences between heading for a breakdown and managing it as things will get easier as the children get older.

It’s not his work schedule. It’s his attitude that it’s the ops fault she’s struggling, honestly why aren’t you making more friends? It’s the dismissal of her post birth injuries by the whole ‘you could cycle on the weekend if you wanted to’. It’s his choice outside work to not focus on the op and his families needs but to pick his own fitness regime and random shit he wants to do like gardening and do that instead, while also guilt tripping the op that she is doing a crap job at home and he HAS to do the gardening because she isnt keeping up with it, subtitle she is lazy/disorganised. Personally if he didn’t book a gardener if it’s such a priority then id look at him in a whole different and very unloving way.

He sounds like an awful father!

He's not a wonderful father.

He should either pay for a gardener, if that's taking family time away, or he should do it with the toddler.

He's being ludicrous about the cycling, and it sounds like he's being incredibly selfish by prioritising his own wellbeing when he knows you have been suffering. There's a give and take about these things, and he's being histrionic about you even raising it.

@timeisnotaline
I don’t see that attitude? I see a lot of projection from posters ascribing the worst intentions possible to the DH though. The OP has said several times her DH isn’t like that, but you all think you know him better than she does. For everything he has asked for, he has offered to support her in getting the same.

I stand by my opinion, that neither of them is BU. Parenthood can be tough and sometimes we find ourselves in unsustainable situation for which no one is to blame and wanting to change it to benefit both of us is not selfish. The answer isn’t to reject the things the DH is saying he needs, the answer is for OP to say what she needs and then the two of them to make it happen for both of them.

It’s not his work schedule. It’s his attitude that it’s the ops fault she’s struggling, honestly why aren’t you making more friends? It’s the dismissal of her post birth injuries by the whole ‘you could cycle on the weekend if you wanted to’. It’s his choice outside work to not focus on the op and his families needs but to pick his own fitness regime and random shit he wants to do like gardening and do that instead, while also guilt tripping the op that she is doing a crap job at home and he HAS to do the gardening because she isnt keeping up with it, subtitle she is lazy/disorganised

This is a perfect summary of the problem.

I totally understand. I live abroad for the past 5 years in my husband's country. I do however speak the language now, but I only have him and his family for support. My kids are older twins 6 years. But I totally get what your going through. Send me a message if you would like to chat!

@mammaohohohoh

I will respond properly when the kids are in bed tonight.

Just a few points quickly...

I do know enough of the language to get by in shops and restaurants etc...

I have been using Duolingo etc and I can understand roughly what is going on when conversations are happening around me but I cannot contribute...this language is very difficult snd very hard to pronounce...if you do not pronounce each work correctly, no one understand you. So speaking is very hard.

I understand when my DH speaks to my sons and I know all the words my 2 year old says...

I do need to work harder on the language but balancing this with the kids is hard...I plan to do this when things settle a bit more...

If this language was Spanish or French then things would be very different but it isn't...I will get there but I won't be conversationally fluent for a long time, that is the same for everyone learning this language...

@mammaohohohoh where are you roughly based? Still in Europe? I'm an expat as well in a country with a hard to pronounce language. I've been here around 5 years and still I'm not fluent nowhere near! But having a toddler has helped immensely. Also, do you have the radio on? I found being at home all day the noise helped me and I also picked up some words here and there. My child's books have helped, his simple language cartoons have helped. I understand it's hard. I cannot afford lessons because they charge prices that they think foreigners pay but it's too much on my average for the country salary. You might be in the same country as me (although fairly large). PM if you think you might.

1 not really sure why you wrote the post as every time someone try’s to explain that this isn’t great and he isn’t coming across great you back him
Up and say he’s wonderful ? Then what’s the issue? Why write the post ? You wrote it so we only go off of what you tell us , if I was you I’d move back to uk with children if other half wants to follow and find a new line of work let him it sounds like a hellish life for you and the kids and I don’t really care how strange his job is ... they are stupid hours to have to work

Bottom line is, your husband's job is not compatible with family life - it's a job for a single man.

It's not enough for him to just keep telling you to try harder, talk to the woman down the street with the broken English, exercise. How about he meets you half-way?

I think the two of you have to sit down and work out where you are going in life. I mean, is this it? He is a (albeit well-paid) serf of the company, working every waking hour and having next to no family time, and you sit at home, lonely, tending his house and children and waiting for the scraps of time his employers don't already have? Is this the life you want? I presume not.

The pandemic has really brought the lack of work-life balance into sharp relief, but it was already there. You could just paper over the cracks with nursery, visiting the UK, your mum coming to visit. But it was just papering over the cracks.

I don't think this setup is sustainable. Something is going to have to give, and it would be best for everyone if that something was not your mental health.

I think his idea of taking longer on his commute and seeing less of his children while you are so isolated is unreasonable. But staying fit while your children are young pays dividends in the long run. Could he commute normally, come home and help you out until the children are asleep and then go out for a bike ride (much like he seems to think you should do)?

Are there other ways to make time and space for you both? You talked about deciding on nursery instead of a nanny, but perhaps going for a nanny now would be a more sensible option?

Since you love your husband and want to stay together in his country I think the (possibly impossible) suggestion of coming back to the UK with the kids and having him visit is not a good solution at all. It would be better to throw yourself into your life there a bit more fully. It's also a good idea to remember that even British women in the UK who had a child during covid have been saying it's been rough and isolating.

You responded to one poster to say that you didn't sleepwalk into an isolated life in a foreign country - and I see how it may seem that you were well integrated but covid screwed things up. But almost all the connections you mentioned were to other expats. That's obviously easiest and provides good support and many places have a rich expat community. However, if your intention is to stay there forever with a native husband and kids, it's not really that integrated. I know it's hard. All the people I know who have moved to non-English speaking countries have never felt truly at home (though most have been pleased they did it in the long run). So you will probably always crave the expat connections to some extent. But you really need to be laying down roots with non-expats. Double down on learning the language better, push yourself to meet with the woman on your street. See if you can get involved in something else as well - think about working or getting into a situation where you can work. This is for you but also for your whole family's future, don't put it off until your kids are in school, it will be harder then and you will get years less pay off. Since your husband's job pays well, use that money to buy in some support if you possibly can to free up your time and headspace.

The argument you're having with your DH about his time away from home when the children are small is a very common one. The truth is you both need time for yourselves, and of equal length and quality, and time together as a couple. So maybe sit down with him to discuss how you can both get this (which means getting you more support). You should also talk to him more about how lonely you are and make it clear how much you like his company and how that supports you.

A few questions:

1. What factors went into the decision to move there? Who wanted what, and why? How did you come to that agreement?

1. Could he realistically get a different job that would support your stay-at-home lifestyle with more family-friendly hours, either there or in the UK? If not, would you be willing to take a job to make up the difference if it meant he did more of the work when he was home?

1. Can you afford a nanny if you wanted one, and is that something your husband would be ok with?

1. Did you know what his work schedule was before you had children?

I personally don't get the cycling thing, but exactly how much blame he deserves here depends on some of the answers to those questions. If (hypothetically) OP wants to stay home and her husband couldn't have found a job that paid for that in the UK, he can't get a job with better hours for comparable pay, she could have part-time or live-in help if she wanted it but doesn't want it, and she knew what his work schedule was like when she decided to have kids with him, then I'm not sure it's fair to expect him to do much differently here. Yes, young children are a tremendous amount of work, but so is the amount of work he's putting into keeping everyone fed and housed.

OP from what you say you don't want to leave him at all but like many many people they're yearning to see their families but restricted too.
Don't do anything rash it's been a difficult time for many people.

You poor bugger, honestly.
I couldn't cope with what you're putting up with.
I moved to my DH's country as well, with a young child, and had another one here - the difference is that I had support from my MIL, the language is the same (Australia) and there was no COVID at the time.
And I STILL struggled to cope - I would have gone loopy in your situation!

In response to your current dilemma - your DH is being a selfish wanker about the cycling. If he wants to go for a cycle when he gets home, maybe for half an hour, that will be fitness but he won't be out of the house an extra 3 fucking hours, as he would if he cycled to work.
If the garden "needs" doing and you can't/won't (I get it, I feel the same way) then pay a gardener to come in once a fortnight to do it.
You don't want a nanny - I understand that too, don't think I would have - but what about a cleaner? Do you have one, can you get one? Just to take some of the load off.

Yes I'm also "throwing money" at the problems but the biggest one is your husband's lack of care for your situation. This needs to change - he needs to understand that YOU being mentally together and well is necessary for your CHILDREN to be well cared for. If he's such a "great dad" then this should fucking matter to him!

And yes, sure, you should get on with learning the lingo, but has NONE of his family tried to learn English to bridge the gap? Wouldn't you think it might have been nice if they'd tried a little bit? Sure, it's their country and you need to learn the language if you're going to live there, but English is pretty easy access via tv etc. for people to at least pick up a few useful phrases!

Honestly, I'm truly sorry for you.