Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

@Proudboomer

The op is in a different country. We don’t know if her husband is working so many hours as they need the money to pay the rent, bills an food or if he is hiding from family work. There is also a good chance the op can’t just up and leave with the children. You need to have a talk and if the budget allows maybe get some sort of help in to give you a break.

We've gathered that but presumably the money is worth it in order to live such an isolated lifestyle to facilitate the job?

As PP have suggested, it would seem preferable for the family to be based near OP's family and for her husband to lodge in the work country, coming home every few weeks/weekends. Covid makes it harder but it already IS very hard and unsustainable.

@DinosaurDiana

There’s no reason as to why you couldn’t learn the language now. I agree with pp that you need to put up with your situation or move back.

I am exhausted with two kids, very hard to have the mental capacity to learn a new (very difficult), language...

I know I should try harder but I find it very difficult...

This is no life for you @mammaohohohoh. I'd be on the first plane home to be near my family and if that meant leaving Dh behind to work then so be it. Seems like you're more or less a single mother as it is given his ridiculous work hours.

Honestly OP you would be better off in all possible ways if you planned for a life where you both worked 'normal' hours and both were able to be more equal parents. DH had an insane commute when I was on mat leave, but he left as early as he could, took the bus as it meant he could work for his commute and leave earlier even though it was longer (2 hours on bus, 30 minute talk at each end - it was awful) and as soon as he walked in the door he took the baby and sat up with her. No gardening, no cycling, life was about surviving and helping me survive and trying as soon as possible to find a more manageable job.

Your lifestyle is not sustainable with him working like this. If you were in the UK and both working, could you survive? Is there a way for him to work 'normal' hours and be an involved father if you stay in his country?

Is it a close European country? Could you get a place in a cheap part of the UK and him fly out to work?

It sounds really hard, I'm impressed you've still held it together. Are there any English speaking or hobby groups you could go to once a week? Or could you enrol on a virtual course in UK/America and learn a skill or join a virtual book club to give yourself something to look forward to, whilst he takes the kids for a couple of hours during the weekend?

It doesn't sound like much of a life. He's moving up the career ladder whilst you can't even learn the language as he's never home and you have two young dc.

And the time he does have, he would rather spend cycling rather than give his wife a break and spend time with dc. What a prince.

The issue isn't that he works (I wouldn't like it but it is what it is)

It's that he then stops at the garden centre on the way home and then wants to cycle.

I feel like you're being too protective of him. He could change those things if he wanted to.

You should come back for a visit talk to you family see how you feel after that

He can never work normal hours with his job. He would have to give up work completely for that. When he is working a project, they own him if that makes sense. It is well paid which is the benefit.

I would consider going home for the long term but with covid he couldn't visit due to quarantining.

And also, I love him...I made the decision to move to his country before I had the kids, I didn't know how hard it would be. So I need to stand by that decision, right? He works so hard to support us...and I respect that. It is the use of his 'free time' that I struggle with..

And he does the garden because it needs to be done? He says that he is doing it for the family...we have a big garden and someone needs to do it and it needs to be him as I can't/won't..

It costs to sustain two homes. And fly backwards and forwards so does their income make that a viable option?
Surely it would be cheaper just to get some help in for the op.
A part time housekeeper who will keep the house ticking over and some who will do a bit of baby sitting.
It is only a few years where the children will be so demanding. The toddler will be due to start school sometime in the next couple of years and the nurseries will reopen after COVID.
You need a short term solution to help you now and a long term plan for learning the language and making a support network.

@mammaohohohoh

And he does the garden because it needs to be done? He says that he is doing it for the family...we have a big garden and someone needs to do it and it needs to be him as I can't/won't..

But you seem to have plenty of money (lots of flights home that you're not taking at the moment) so get a gardener?

Your life sounds hard right now. Will baby groups open soon?
I wouldn't try to limit someone's cycling.
Can you agree some evenings off just for you? He is saying he needs headspace and time which is fine... but so do you!
Can you get a job and childcare in the future? Try not to make yourself reliant on your husband. It will ve overbearing for him and emotionally and financially risky for you.
Sounds like a very traditional set up.
Are you sure you're not just tired and fed up and taking it out on your husband?
He sounds very unsympathetic with the comments about working out in the evening! Maybe go for a stroll with music or an audiobook during that time?
Sounds very hard though - what solution would you like? If you could change something, what would it be (apart from Making your husband love happily skipping home to family life).

If he’s well paid surely you can hire help in? Even if it’s only a couple of hours a day. Failing that I’d come home. He can visit as and when. They keep prisoners in solitary confinement not new mums.

I don't think you do need to stand by your decision. You've given it a fair try and it hadn't been working. You are allowed to change your mind based on new information.

As someone who came to England barely speaking a word of English, I really think you should concentrate NOW on learning the language. You have the perfect opportunity, being abroad!

Just immerse yourself and you will learn faster than you think. It's not the end of the world if you have to play catch up with grammar later. If it's a different alphabet, do a little every day, it will come.

For example, you can live in England only using the word "nice" "not nice" to describe tens of completely different things and situation. But any word helps.

It sounds absolutely awful! You most definitely can change your mind about living there if you aren't happy. I'm struggling to see what you get out of life at the moment if you have no friends you can see, you don't speak the language and that isn't going to change terribly soon and your husband is always going to work these very long hours. It sounds like a very lonely place to be. My thoughts would be option 1, coming home to the UK for a bit so you can have support of friends and family and once covid has eased you can head back or visit your husband (or him visit you) much more easily, option 2) talking to your husband about looking into a different career where you could have the life you all want. To be honest it sounds like this lifestyle doesn't work for you and I would be asking my husband to change his job or be thinking about leaving him. My ex husband was in the army and I never saw him, he was very selfish because he thought he worked hard and wanted me to be a stay at home mum / servant for him. There was nothing in it for me and I basically was expected to not have a life and wait for him to come home. It wasn't for me and I'm much happier without him.

Presumably this arrangement is partly to allow you some financial freedom in future? I’d be considering putting both children in a nursery and using that time to properly concentrate on learning the local language as it seems to me this is your biggest barrier to making a life for yourself without having to rely on your husband so much.

Those of us married to lawyer/bankers whose job involves the kind of hours you mention know that it’s a deal with the devil. You need to be able to carve out a role for yourself (be it at work or otherwise) because your husband cannot be relied on to be present on a consistent basis. If you are not comfortable with that “deal” then it’s not going to change and you have some big decisions to make for your own self esteem and mental well being’s sake.

This is not going to go down well on here but I would like to suggest it anyway just in case it helps you to manage.

Firstly, it sounds incredibly tough for you at the moment. It is difficult enough looking after two small children at home all day without there being a pandemic outside and without not living in your native country with nearby friends or family for support!

However, if overall you are happy he is a good man and you do want to live where you do, then I don’t agree that you must look immediately at leaving him and moving back to the uk.

I’m not defending him at all and I understand that you also need your own chance to recover and be alone every once in a while, however when I have found myself in a similar situation, it is the resentment that is the killer. It’s so easy to focus on what he is able to do that you aren’t, like sleep through the night, exercise and get out of the house, that you end up resenting all of his choices and the balance feels unfairly tipped in his favour. That said, I think it is important to not lose sight of life from his point of view if at all possible in order to release some of that resentment that can become so destructive in a relationship. I’m not saying that everything he does that you aren’t happy with is immediately excused and of course he must still be challenged for any behaviour that you find a dealbreaker. But...he has just spent much of the past year no doubt a bit stressed about the lack of work and therefore lack of money for the family and knowing how difficult you are finding things he probably has some guilt about moving you away from your family and support network. When you mention that you are unhappy with your fitness, he tries to solve it (yes insensitively) by suggesting you do exercise with him at a time that he (wrongly) thinks is a good time when you have a natural gap from the DC. If he is a good DH overall then perhaps his misguided advice doesn’t have to be construed as awful?

Secondly, try to think of yourselves as a team. At the moment, owing to the circumstances, he goes to work long hours to earn money for the family and you do your “job” at home doing a brilliant job of bringing up your joint DC. In my experience (and I remember my DM saying it) some men get a lot more involved once their DC are a little older and more interactive and also by that time, generally careers and living conditions have settled out a bit so the sole focus doesn’t need to be working all hours.
If you can switch to the “team” mode then you stop looking so much at what he can do that you can’t and see both roles and current experiences as equal and just as valuable. After that you can work on little adjustments to enhance your happiness, like fitting in a bit of time for yourself etc.

I am aware some of my advice might be considered old fashioned but perhaps it can help you to hear another idea. As someone who’s DC are school age and has been through fairly similar times while they were young, this is what has helped me and I now have a very happy and fair relationship with my DH. The baby/toddler years are tough, but if you have a good DH then it’s worth sticking it out imho.

Does the garden need doing? He might think it needs doing but it doesnt as if he understands the gravity of your needs and what youre saying. Have you tried saying I dont need the garden I need my husband at home. I need someone to talk to. I need a break from the dc.

Being home alone with small dc at the best of times is hard. Doing it in a pandemic when your support has vanished and you dont speak the language is really bone crushingly hard.

Mners are so quick to say learn the language. Its not that easy! You can teach yourself a bit here and there but its a long way to being able to hold a conversation, and with 2 small dc Id be too exhausted to even do half an hour.

Are there any Brit in x country groups on fb? Any volunteer groups who could help? When are nurseries opening again?

Ask him to look after the kids for 1 full day on his own. Get some time to yourself and then ask him to talk about support afterwards x

I would be on the first plane home to my parents where I know I would get support. Do you really see a future for yourself with this man? Yes he is providing for you but it’s a very patriarchal attitude that his contribution is to bring in money whilst you raise the children in isolation. Where are you? Is it possible for you to return with the children? I know it can be complicated in some countries to take the children out of the country without their father.

I wonder if alot of this is because Covid has hit, so you have realised how isolated you are.

If you can, you could hold on till flights resume and see if having that support makes it better and in in the meantime keep talking to your husband. I think I have a rough idea of the job and I agree when they are on a project, thats it till its done.

However this suggestion only works, if he is going to be there as well, you say he is a great dad, well he needs to step up and be a great husband as well.

With the language, see if you can put any feelers out for someone who knows the language and will talk to you in it. My friend is trying to teach me this way, It is hard, but if you can talk to your children in that language and you are there for the long haul, it will be easier on them, but I get what you are saying about having the mental capicity and again this is where your husband should be stepping up.

If you don't feel you can do it alone anymore, then start looking on coming back near your family and get him to do the running to keep his family.

Are you planning on going to work when your children are in school full time? How will you cope with the language barrier?
I think for me I'd be having a long hard think if I wanted the rest of my life to be spent with an absent husband and father.

Do you think that he seems like a wonderful father because you’re just so grateful he’s there to lend a hand on the rare occasions that he is that it seems wonderful in comparison to nothing? Either way, your life sounds lonely and stressful and in your shoes I’d want to move back to the uk to be near family and friends who could support me. Failing that, a country where I spoke the language so I could make new friends more easily. That’s not asking much. I understand he’s profession is niche but in marriage or any relationship there needs to be compromises and it seems like you’re the only one making them.