Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

Maybe you wouldn’t be suffering if he didn’t make you suffer. I’d be either coming home to a support network for good or hiring help and prioritising learning the language.

I do think you are a bit unreasonable because surely you knew what his work pattern was like yet still moved there and had children and are now in this very lonely situation. Did you try to learn the language before children?

What do you want? You don’t say ? Would you like to come back to the UK? Him to work less hours? To have help? To get a job so you have some freedom away from the children?
Work out what you’d like - and follow that.

He's being very unreasonable and selfish. OK, so he can't work different hours but he promises he'll be home early and then isn't because he stopped to buy 'essential' gardening equipment and then wanting to cycle to and from work which will mean hes at home several hours less every day and then sulking about it because you 'won't let him'. Anyone can be a fantastic parent when they only do half an hour a day.

I just don't understand people who move to countries where they don't speak a word of the language. How did you think this would pan out?

Obviously having kids was going to be tiring. When were you going to factor in learning the language? Why not do so before their births? The mind boggles at navigating a school and health system when you don't understand a word that is being said to you.

If I sound unsympathetic I'm not, I'm merely trying to emphasise how vulnerable your situation is. This is not just about DH working long hours, it's about the fact that you are totally dependent on him and unable to communicate with other people or to get a job yourself. So he can rather treat you how he likes.

Whether he cycles to work or not is by the by. When you're going to start language lessons and get some independence is the key thing.

If this marriage doesn't survive you may not be able to bring the kids back to the UK, so you will need to be able to work.

100% agree with @TatianaBis. If your husband drops dead tomorrow what on earth will you do?

His job is very niche and his field isn't flexible at all for a personal life yet he had a family knowing this or took the job once he had a family knowing this. And you moved to a country and had children without speaking the language which is pretty irresponsible.

So I think either you need to make more effort to learn and make friends and / or he needs to look at whether he wants to be in his children's lives / you need to decide which country is best for the kids

@Regularsizedrudy

100% agree with *@TatianaBis*. If your husband drops dead tomorrow what on earth will you do?

Well if her husband dropped dead she could go home to the UK

But @TatianaBis is right. OP is vulnerable. That's what I meant early about taking a good hard look at the facts and realities of her situation and making choices. She may not be able to take the kids back to the UK. Her husband may leave her at some point in the future. What will she do then if she can't go back to the UK with her kids? She needs to really think all this through. And look into separation arrangements in the country. I understand that in muslim countries its common for the father to get the children once they are 7?

I think I would try to persuade her husband to look for a job at home.
Or let her go home and him visit. She has more choices if they are back in the UK. And it he agreed to either of those the marriage might stand a chance anyway as he it would mean he does care about her as a person in her own right.

If they stay, she needs to plan to become more independent. At the moment she holds absolutely no cards other than her convenience domestically and for childcare. And as he knows she can't really leave, that's not much of a card at all.

@cakefanatic

I would be on the first plane home to my parents where I know I would get support. Do you really see a future for yourself with this man? Yes he is providing for you but it’s a very patriarchal attitude that his contribution is to bring in money whilst you raise the children in isolation. Where are you? Is it possible for you to return with the children? I know it can be complicated in some countries to take the children out of the country without their father.

Are you assuming her parents would be delighted to take her in? I seperated from my husband a few years ago and a few people made noises about me moving 'home' to mother, something which she and I both shut down pretty quickly! The OP wouldn't be fleeing for her life or anything, she would presumably have to rent or buy a house which she would then be solely responsible for. Yes she might have a level of family support but the children's other parent would be in another country and therefore of zero practical support. He is providing something at the moment. And he has a right to be in his children's lives, that goes without saying

When he is here, he is with the kids 100% and even does the odd night a week with the baby now we are bottle feeding

Oh thats big of him.

DH and I both worked when dc were little and we both had hobbies we really loved. They just had to be put on hold and DH stopped playing cricket. Having children means something has to give and your DH may earn the cash but your life sounds terrible.

OP I think you may need to stop expecting your husband to look after you in any way except financially. As far as he is concerned if he is earning a living and playing nicely with his children then that is his job done and he can do what he likes with the rest of his time. You will have to look after yourself.

If going back to the UK isn't an option then you need to get yourself some free time and some way of building up social contact. A nanny, housekeeper, cleaner, whatever else. Bonus if they speak English.

And one thing to explain to your husband is that you don't need to go out and cycle or to work out physically at home, what you need is the time and facilities to do something structured that is social. To join an online language class if there is one. Or an online craft group. Or anything really. But you need two-way communication with other adults as a starting point.

Ok.. if you're happy

then you need to accept this is your life choice.

good luck 🌸

Has op said which country /language?

I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language

I would suggest that’s 50% of your problem right there. Your husband has job/colleagues, access to wider social life (he speaks the language), and nuclear + extended family.

You’ve got nuclear family. Thats not a setup for a happy/fulfilling life surely.

His job is very niche and his field isn't flexible at all for a personal life.

Tbh sounds like he shouldn't have gotten married/started a family then. I know that doesn't help now, but.

Can you return home and stay with family for a few months? Just to get a bit of a break?

I understand as the financial provider he needs to work and his career involves long hours, but he shouldn’t even be considering the cycling to and from work while you are struggling at home with 2 small children and being completely isolated. His focus should be on getting home to you and your DCs. If he can’t understand that being isolated in a foreign country where you can’t speak the language with 2 small children is really really hard on you then he has a problem. It’s ok for him to go to work and happily have adult conversation while socially interacting with others. If he needs to cycle for physical benefits why can’t he do it at weekends when he’s home with his family, he can take your DS out in a bike seat or trolley or you can cycle as a family.

OP I think you may need to stop expecting your husband to look after you in any way except financially

And you also need to stop assuming this will last forever, as you cannot control that.

I think you need to very very firmly explain to him what you’ve given up in order for him to work in his home country. Friends, family and all the things that are familiar to you. He needs to understand this to see that him ‘getting even more of his own way’ isn’t on. When do you get your cardio exercise?? I also think he has a husbandly duty to care for you, particularly when you’re struggling a bit. I’m just wondering op, if it’s his country (so he speaks the language) could you sit him down and ask him to HELP you by teaching you the lingo. Maybe instead of the cycle home he can devote the time to helping you, that will benefit him too, in the long run.

As a partner of someone who works long hours (not by choice, but it's a requirement of the job and he is the main breadwinner), personally I would be understanding on that front. But I think your main issue is how he spends his time outside of work - going to the garden centre, wanting to cycle, for example.
In and of themselves, there's nothing wrong with those things - your garden needs caring for, and so does DH's fitness.
I think your problem is that (a) you want him to choose not to do these things, in order to be with you and the DC; and (b) you resent him for being able to do these things as you feel that you have no free time in which to do your own things.
I agree with you on (a) - I think you need to speak to him about this. You need some adult human interaction, you're alone all day with kids, you need him around as much as possible.
On (b), perhaps you just need a better balance - if he were able to give you some free time to do what you want, perhaps you wouldn't resent him so much having a bit of his own. Can he give you time at weekends? Can you hire a babysitter to look after the kids for a couple of hours one (or more) days during the week, to free you up (covid restrictions allowing)?

I think whichever way you look at it, being in a foreign country, no help, no friends, don't speak the language, two young children and a partner who works very long hours, is always going to be challenging and lonely - I think you and your DH need to sit down and try to figure out any and all possible ways to make it less difficult.

PS Maybe get a stationary bike for him to use at home!

Could you not organise a swap with the neighbour who has broken English? You could help her improve her English and she could teach you the local language.

@steff13

If the OP's children are citizens of the country where they reside, can she just leave? I would think there are lots of places where that isn't an option. She could leave, the kids not so much.

I was thinking that.

People are just ignorantly spouting that she should return to the UK. If her children are citizens of the country she is living in and were born there then it could be very tricky, and illegal.

If the country she is living in is signed up to the Hague Convention then she cannot take them out of that country without their father's permission. It can be termed abduction and consequences can be severe. She could be made to return them and face the consequences.

He says by 'not letting' him cycle and get the cardio he needs I am making him suffer because I am suffering, and why do we both have to suffer?

I am actually fluent in his language, OP, and the exact translation of this is: I don't give a shit about your suffering but I will guilt trip you over anything I don't like because I'm the man and you're the woman and that's how we are supposed to be. You are there to facilitate me and the only person who should ever have to make sacrifices is you.

@Shrivelled

It’s been so hard on parents living abroad being isolated from their families and support during covid.

It really has. People have set themselves up in living situations based on assumptions of unfettered travel across national borders and cheap flights. The Covid situation has been particularly difficult but in general, I think those asssumptions will continue to be shaky and are associated with and an anomoly of a particular time in history. Between climate change, the potential for further pandemics, political upheaval and inevitably more expensive flights, moving abroad is not something to be undertaken lightly. As an Irish person we are steeped in a history of emmigration, of Irish wakes where people emigrated knowing they might never see their families again. I worked in the US as recently as the 1990s and encountered Irish women in their 50s who hadn't been home in 30 years. I think in the future if people do move abroad, they should do so in the clear knowledge that the likes of the last year could easily happen again or at the very least easy breezy back and forth is not going to be so straightforward

My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night
How can he be a 'wondeful father' when he's hardly ever around to do the REAL prenting???

When you decided to have another child, what did you discus and agree on with regards to your needs and logistics?
Or was it just a selfish whim of "i want another child"???

As for learning another language once your children are older - ridiculous!
YOU chose to move to another country and need to start learning the language asap - how else will you communicate with people/services/fill out the forms etc - or will you just become more dependent on your dh?
Your children will learn the second language as of now - surely it's better to start learning and communicating with them now instead of years down the line -or do you want to feel like an outsider when your children are speaking it?