Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

You are making a lot of excuses around his work but actually it isnt his work that is necessarily causing you the stress

Its him

Wanting to increase his commute from 40 mins to 1hr 50 cycling because he wants to

Spending time gardening or in the garden shop as a hobby or his (you could easily get a gardener or not spend so much time shopping for it

Not telling you were he is or giving you an update

That you arent trying hard enough to exercise with him and you should push yourself (this is a big one OP and shows he has NO IDEA what it is that you are doing or went through)

You I think need to tell him how unhappy you are - and that you are struggling because he is so much of your problem in that he doesnt seem to respect you and is left with you feeling that you arent trying hard enough (the garden that you wont do so he has to even though a gardener would be easy and he spends time doing it)

He is your problem not his job

He isn't a good dad, I am always shocked when woman come on here to describe pretty awful behaviour and then end by claiming he is a wonderful father.

If he has to work these longs hours, a good dad would be rushing home to see his kids as much as possible. Not delaying getting home further so he misses them altogether

What a complainer you sound. Your DH is doing his best to financially support his family. Why didn't it you leave a bigger gap between your children if you were going to be unable to cope. That's what I did.

But did you have kids in a foreign country during a pandemic, Vivienne? Doubt it.

He is a wonderful father

No, he's not.

@jelly79

Ask him to look after the kids for 1 full day on his own. Get some time to yourself and then ask him to talk about support afterwards x

This is a good idea

@mammaohohohoh

But he has to work to support us? His job is very niche and his field isn't flexible at all for a personal life. He wasn't able to work for a lot of last year because of the pandemic so when work started up again he had to take it. He wouldn't be able to work at the same level in the Uk and not at all in the part of the UK I am from.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him but surely he has to take the work when he can? The hours he works aren't really negotiable...

Well he may WANT to do this for the career he has chosen to have. But that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself and your life to facilitate his choices.

It sounds like you have sacrificed absolutely everything for him, your friends, your family, your financial independence, your ability to make friends (you don't speak the language - you will have to get pretty fluent to make friends unless there is a strong expat community). All the give is from you and yet he seems so unable to see this that he has the gall to say YOU are the one not letting HIM do something he wants to.

I agree with others - go home to your friends and family. He can come home when he wants or he can make the sacrifice of changing to a different line of work so he can work in the UK.

It would not be unreasonable for you to say “if you have extra time I need it.”

So no, he can’t cycle to work and back with his extra time, he needs to give that time to his wife and children.

No, he can’t stop for “essentials” that don’t meet an immediate emergency, that should be done together on the weekend.

Also, you need to figure out your own issues with finding friends, etc as being told “go play with the neighbor”” advice is ok from a parent, not from a spouse.

This time is not easy, but your children won’t be this age forever and we won’t be stuck at home forever either.

What an arse of a man.

I was at home with 2 young children in a foreign country, but not during a global pandemic.
If you are going to stay there, then you must begin to learn the language. What is your husband speaking with the children? Is it his home language of the country you are now in? Then you need to start tuning in to this, and engaging with this I think. It will make it much easier in the long term

You are leading a crappy and lonely life with an absent partner yet all you have done is defend him. He is not a great father. He is a selfish arse who prioritises his work and leisure time over his family's needs.

And also, I love him...I made the decision to move to his country before I had the kids, I didn't know how hard it would be. So I need to stand by that decision, right? He works so hard to support us...and I respect that. It is the use of his 'free time' that I struggle with..

No you don't. You can change your mind if you want to.

ANd I bet he would have that job even if he were single. So don't but the ' I'm doing it for you line' . Lets look instead at what he doesn't want to do for you - come home as soon as he can, understanding how hard a toll having a baby has had on you, or what looking after young children is like - in other words - understanding what you life is like adn how he can support you in that.
He sounds completely selfish.

@HollowTalk

Oh don't ask me because I think in your position I would come home with the children. I couldn't see any point in living in a country where I didn't speak the language and hardly saw my husband.

Just btw though - he's not a great dad. If he was, he'd be more concerned about their mum.

I agree with HollowTalk.

Obviously there is more to it and you know your husband better than any of us but, on the face of it, I'd consider coming home. You of course have to work out what you would be coming home to, would you have a 'home', would the move be permanent, could you get a job, etc.

These things are never easy.

Good luck whatever you decide.

And he does the garden because it needs to be done? He says that he is doing it for the family...we have a big garden and someone needs to do it and it needs to be him as I can't/won't..

No, the garden doesn’t need doing if it means you get no time at all. The garden can stay unkept for a season or you could pay a gardener.
I didn’t do a thing in the garden up until my little one was 2. Any attempts before ended with me being stressed about her trying to eat stones, no thanks. Might have got some raised eyebrows from the neighbors, but I had my priorities.

OP I was living abroad with a man that worked seven days a week. He left at 7am Mon - Sun and came back around 7pm. He also went away on business for a few weeks. There's no way in fuck I would have had children with him working those hours. I could speak the language and had lived in the country several years before we got together but I wouldn't have had children there as I would have wanted them in the UK for the NHS, for support, for the easiness of culture and communication.

I would have a conversation with him OP before you end up having a breakdown through exhaustion. At least here you have family, friends, understand the culture and language and there is support through various organizations such as Gingerbread. You can also work without the hassle of spousal visas etc

I did, of course! But before the pandemic my mum would come out here all the time, I would fly home a few times a year, I had friends here who I saw out and about all the time. I can't do any of that now.

Were you bothered by your husbands work/use of free time pre-covid? From the above it sounds like you were quite happy with the set-up and that your current issues is because of the restrictions more than anything.

This is so common in the expat life. I was in UAE and my DH had to work 50+ hours a week with a 40min commute each way. It was never a long term thing for us and we saved what we needed to and I had a pleasant life with the increased income (swanning around soft plays) and no need to work but there are definitely drawbacks.

I think it would be helpful if you had a discussion and said you weren't coping or enjoying things just now and see what you can feasibly put in place.
If nurseries are shut reconsider help at home, even someone to help with laundry/ take your eldest to park for a couple hours.
Look at an extended trip home, be prepared for it to be very extended though, my friend got stuck apart from her husband for about 6m last year.
Maybe make sure you are on the same page about whether this job is long term what he wants to do, do you want to remain in his country? If so then being able to communicate with people would be a necessity. If not then you need to have a plan of when you want to be home.

So many posts I want to reply to but my two crazy boys have woken up so I don't have the time...but I will try later..

Thank you to all the replies...

I can't just leave him and take his kids away...I guess I just need to somehow make him see why him making a statement about going cycling reinforces his lack of understanding of how hard it is at home all day...I just don't think I will get him to see my side...

Are you going to take a pp's suggestion of leaving him with both kids one day to go out?

I can completely sympathise with how you feel, OP.

But I also think your DH would consider that he is showing his love for you and the children with all his work. He also may think trying to stay physically stronger BH and healthy is essential even if he is a manager.

You don’t say which country you are in, but this all sounds like a clash of cultures with neither of you being unreasonable. Then, it is all worse because your family can’t control me over and you can’t go to see them. It is a shame his family doesn’t help too.

Could you get someone to spend part of the day with you to help, and to make it less lonely?

Could you come back here for a break when lock down ends or have someone visit you?

Your DH does sound devoted but just in his own ( old-style way). You need to talk to ach other calmly.

I feel for you - both your lives sound exhausting. Something has to give - you need to streamline your lives somehow. Might need serious discussions about whether you can continue to live where you are, in the way you are, without heading for divorce!

You are very isolated mentally and physically and this has skewed your vision of what is reasonable.

Your DH has abandoned you and your children, for almost 17 hours a day, yet you defend this as reasonable. He's not working all those hours because he tells you he isn't at work. He's at a gardening centre .

You cannot speak the language, which is even more isolating for you.

How long do you anticipate living like this.

@mammaohohohoh

So many posts I want to reply to but my two crazy boys have woken up so I don't have the time...but I will try later..

Thank you to all the replies...

I can't just leave him and take his kids away...I guess I just need to somehow make him see why him making a statement about going cycling reinforces his lack of understanding of how hard it is at home all day...I just don't think I will get him to see my side...

I understand that.

Your husband needs a reality check.

In the meantime, are there any cds, dvds or live streaming things you could have on a lot of the time, even in the background, to help you with the spoken language? Just a thought.

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable tbh. He could make more effort to be present and support you, but you could make more effort with the language which would help you to feel less isolated. How long have you lived in the country?

Is there any reason that you cannot move home to your family?

Perhaps she loved her husband and doesn't want to leave him? Just a thought!