Me or my husband? I need a reality check

[mammaohohohoh]

Sorry if this is long but I will give a bit of background first...

So I'm British but don't live in the UK, I live in my husband's country and I don't yet speak the language (once the kids are older I plan to work harder at learning it).

My DH and I have 2 DC - DS 2 years old and DS 3 months. Due to lockdown I have had no help or support from my friends or family from the UK since my son was born in January. My husband's family here are not supportive and I can't communicate with them anyway. My husband has a strange job where he works crazy hours...leaving the house at 5 or 6 in the morning is normal and getting home at 7, 8 or 9 at night. He has also been working weekends and doing paperwork after the boys are asleep. Last month there were 14 days in a row that I was completely by myself. He had no time off work since DS2 was born, i was in the hospital for 3 days and after that I was on my own with the two boys. DS1 was attending nursery 3 mornings a week but then they closed the nurseries. Breastfeeding my newborn was a struggle/impossible, as a result of this and trying to establish bf whilst looking after a very active 2 year old I moved to formula. We have since had a severe lip tie diagnosed but are struggling to get somewhere to fix it as in this country their policy is to keep children in hospital for at least 3 days after a general anaesthetic, even though in the UK he would be gone in about an hour after the procedure. We both don't want this so may leave his lip tie as it is.

So I have struggled and really been at breaking point many times over the last 3 months. DH knows this.

Things are starting to get better now as my 3 month old is getting easier, we have a routine and he is sleeping well at night, so I'm definitely more positive despite missing my family and friends. But like many SAHM's I do count the minutes until my DH is home to give me a hand, or to just hold the baby whilst I feed my DS1 or to help with bedtimes.

So last night my DH said he would be gone at 6 (this is very early for him!), so I was excited as I would get help earlier. At 6.30 I called him and he said he would be another 20 minutes as he stopped at the gardening shop on the way home to get 'essentials' (essential for him anyway). This happens a lot...I never really know what time to expect him home...we share location settings on our phones so this gives me a more accurate measure of when he will be home than what he tells me.

Then he announces on the phone that tomorrow he would like to cycle to work and back. This would be an 80km round trip? So rather than a 40/50 minute commute there and back, it would be an hour and 50 minute trip there snd back. I showed my issue with this by questioning him on timings etc and he got angry saying fine I just won't do it as my wife won't let me. He says he needs to be fit to do his job (he used to have to be, not anymore as he is at management level), and he needs it for his headspace. I said I understood, I would love to have the luxury of headspace but I don't get the chance. He said I should be working out in the evening when the boys are asleep and maybe if I did this with him then that would help...but I'm exhausted. I don't want to exercise in the evening when my days are so crazy and my pelvic floor muscles are fucked and my stomach muscles are all over the place from pregnancy. But he thinks I'm not trying hard enough and I should push myself.

If I was away at work from my kids as much as he is I would be rushing home to spend as much time with them before bed, I wouldn't be cycling home to then only see them for 20 minutes before they go to sleep. So I just don't understand his priorities.

He is a wonderful father but am I being unreasonable for objecting to him cycling like this twice a week? Am I unreasonable to need him more because life for me is so lonely either lockdown and being in a country that isn't my own? I don't want to be the nagging wife who tells him what to do, I want him to cherish family time so much that he wouldn't want to go an a cycle that would take him away from us for that extra time in the morning and evening. He is acting like I am the irrational one...am I?

Sorry this is so long....I didn't mean to write so much...

Not “control me “ but “come over”

OP, you moved to his country before the children were born.. So at least 3 years ago. There is really no excuse for not speaking even basic language. If your child is formula fed it should be fine to leave him and the older one with a nanny a couple of times per week. It is definitely preferable to having a mental breakdown and divorce.
I don't know what your husband does for living, but working such long hours must be very exhausting and I can understand he needs a break. Just like you need a break. If you were my friend I would encourage you to make more effort to integrate into the life of your current country of residence.
By all means explain to your husband again that you need more support, but you also need to try and organise your life a bit better.

@Crinkle77

Is there any reason that you cannot move home to your family?

Perhaps she loved her husband and doesn't want to leave him? Just a thought!

Do you mean her husband who is hardly there and does not help her or understand what she is going through?

Perhaps it would work better if OP had her own life and support network and wasn't just isolated there for her husband's convenience. He could then come back as often as possible to spend actual, quality time with the family. She has given everything of herself, he it seems has given very little in return.

He is a wonderful father

How low your standards are that you'd say this about a man who never spend any time with his kids.

If he was a great father he would rush home to see them. What an awful situation you've got yourself trapped into.

you said you don't want a nanny? Why not? What about having a nanny for the baby for 2 or 3 mornings a week, to give you the time to go to language classes and go to the gym and have a bit of a life. That could make all the difference in letting you establish some connections in your new country. And then as the children get bigger, it will get easier.

How is he a wonderful father if he’s never there and isn’t bothered about being there?

Honestly, why do women think fathers are wonderful just for breathing in and breathing out? God, if the bar for being a good mother was that low hardly any DC would live beyond a day.

I guess I just need to somehow make him see why him making a statement about going cycling reinforces his lack of understanding of how hard it is at home all day...I just don't think I will get him to see my side...

And that is the nub of it. You cannot ' make him see'. This is not a communication problem. You speak English, he understands English.
He is perfectly capable of understanding what you say. He only sees his own side. Because that is who he is.
If I were you I would look into whether you can return home with the children. You may find you can't for legal reasons. But take a good hard look at your life, and make some hard nosed choices based on facts and reality. Love is not enough. It never is. Marriage takes so much more than this. And your husband doesn't sound like he has what it takes.

If it's just about the cycling and getting home as early as he can then yes he is being unreasonable....its a small sacrifice that won't be forever.

But personally I think a situation like this in the long term is likely doomed to fail. Sorry op but I don't think it's healthy for a young family.

He is a wonderful father

Why do women who are being run into the ground by men who see them as ambulatory white goods always say this?

If you decided to move to your partner's home country before you had kids then you've had at least 3 years to learn the language. If you still can't have day-to-day conversations, have you considered that you just might not be able to learn it?

Haven’t read all the replies but I had similar to this with my Dh wanting to go to the gym every day after work he wasn’t getting home till late and I was struggling to do tea bath and bed with a new baby and older dc. He didn’t really see the problem as in his mind it made sense to go straight after work and get it out the way. He also needs to be fit for his job .
I had to really explain the reality of it was I needed help at those particular times not that I was trying to curtail his activities. I was at the end of my tether with it and got quite tearful and angry. We compromised and he came home from work asap rolled up his sleeves and helped me with the witching hours. Then when it was calm he fucked off to the gym or for a run. That way we both got some downtime and we got it earlier and I didn’t feel like I hated him anymore. 😁

@DrSbaitso

He is a wonderful father

Why do women who are being run into the ground by men who see them as ambulatory white goods always say this?

Because they see their dc desperate for attention from the parent they barely see and think that must mean he's wonderful.

@user1471457751

If you decided to move to your partner's home country before you had kids then you've had at least 3 years to learn the language. If you still can't have day-to-day conversations, have you considered that you just might not be able to learn it?

Or that you never will.

@DrSbaitso

He is a wonderful father

Why do women who are being run into the ground by men who see them as ambulatory white goods always say this?

Yes, and they are always wonderful simply because, in the small time they are around, they manage to do the ' fun' stuff of playing with their own children. Amazing.

Meanwhile the women gets on quietly with the actual hard relentless slog of being a parent.

You seem determined to make this work, so no you are not unreasonable. Even though he needs exercise and me-time, it's not ok when he spends so little time at home already.

Tell him all that time goes from being with his dc (whom he spends very little time with as is) and that any hours he spends on him (including cycling to and from) you get the exact same me-time. For some gardening is relaxing, it is definitely not as stressful as looking after small dc, so if you can get a gardner (or a teenager to cut the grass) he is freed up to look after dc, so you get me-time too.

You need to make him realize that if you are to stay, he has to make it tolerable for you. And finally learn the language, you are much too isolated and at risk of control, if you cannot speak to others.

@user1471457751

If you decided to move to your partner's home country before you had kids then you've had at least 3 years to learn the language. If you still can't have day-to-day conversations, have you considered that you just might not be able to learn it?

oh come on, in a year of that she has been in lockdown with no-one to speak to, and she's had two children! I tried to learn a new language in a year of maternity leave - I brought a book ' Learn x language in 12 weeks' After a year I was half way through week 2! Its hard to learn a language with a baby. And it takes a long time to get fluent enough to actually be able to make real friends in that language.

And he does the garden because it needs to be done? He says that he is doing it for the family...we have a big garden and someone needs to do it and it needs to be him as I can't/won't

Well it's hardly a priority surely. If he is sacrificing his family life and your well-being for a job I would expect he can at least afford a gardener.

1. Hire a gardener
2. Hire a cleaner
3. Hire a nanny, say 2 mornings a week

Sign yourself up to language classes once a week (great for you and you'll meet people!) (when nanny is looking after kids) and use the other morning for you (relaxing, exercise etc.). You'll feel much less resentful of your husband having time to do things he wants.

Definitely talk to your DH about how you feel though, make it clear you can't go on like this and he does need to prioritise family time over cycling on whim.

I guess I just need to somehow make him see why him making a statement about going cycling reinforces his lack of understanding of how hard it is at home all day...I just don't think I will get him to see my side...

He understands. He just doesn't care.

He says by 'not letting' him cycle and get the cardio he needs I am making him suffer because I am suffering, and why do we both have to suffer?

In fairness he has said that if I want to do something at the weekends then he will support me...if I want to go for a cycle or something...

And someone mentioned going to a language class or baby groups etc...nothing is open because of lockdown...

I would think about getting a part time nanny, maybe a native speaker of the country you're in and you will naturally start to pick up some of the vocabulary if you spend time looking after the children in her company for part of the time. For the rest of the time the nanny is with you, go off and do something that is purely for your own enjoyment and well-being. A walk in the fresh air? Sitting somewhere quiet with a good book?

I don't think it's reasonable to tell your husband he can't cycle, but I do think you need to have the same regard for your own well-being as he does for his.

I was sympathetic OP but this has become one of those irksome threads:

OP: “AIBU or is my absent husband?”
Us: “Your husband sounds like an bit of a twat actually. He’s working all days, spending leisure time on himself and acting like a Disney dad.”
OP: “He’s a fabulous father and I love him, how dare you...”
Us: “.....”

If I were you, I’d be on the plane home and I would be based in the UK near my family and friends. My H could work out in his home country and then fly home every few weekends for family time. You’d probably actually see more of him this way and you wouldn’t have blindly strolled into a shit situation whereby you’re constantly alone unable to communicate with anyone, he works 15 hours a day, spends time either side of it doing things for himself, has a go at you for being desperate for him to help you parent your children, makes jibes about you getting more exercise...

It sounds truly shit. But other than telling you to go home, I have no other suggestions.

I wonder what country is that..

OP you say you can't just leave him and take his children away from him but you can and you should consider this as an option. He also needs to realise it's an option: if he doesn't take on board what you are saying and try to change the situation you could leave him. You need to make decisions together about your collective future and they need to work for both of you. He is incredibly selfish if he doesn't consider your happiness in all of this and it is not your responsibility to sacrifice your happiness simply because he's not prepared to compromise. To be clear, I am not saying leave him, but if you are unhappy and he will not entertain changing the situation to make you happy, you should most certainly be considering it as an option.

He says by 'not letting' him cycle and get the cardio he needs I am making him suffer because I am suffering, and why do we both have to suffer?

What an appalling thing to say. Please don't stay with this man. He just doesn't see you does he? He doesn't see that he can ease your suffering by being around more (or he does but doesn't care). He thinks you should just carry on suffering to enable him to get the exercise he wants. And all this in the context of you giving up your whole life to facilitate his! All you is give to him. That is the role he firmly has you in. The enabler of him.

In fairness he has said that if I want to do something at the weekends then he will support me...if I want to go for a cycle or something...
By ' support' does he mean look after his own children for a couple of hours? Do you feel you should be appreciative of this? If you do, that is a really worrying sign of the dynamic in the marriage. Because that is just how things should be. He should not be patting himself on the back for this and neither should you.