Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

324 replies

Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 21:54

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 27/04/2021 10:11

@Holly60

You were very quick to downsize the moment she left for university! We’ve recently had to upsize due to the arrival of a number of grandchildren over the last few years - we couldn’t get everyone in for Christmas Grin
Oh God, you're like one of those people on Escape to the Country who buy houses on the basis of 'having family around at Christmas'. Which I personally think is bonkers. Regardless, don't you think your post is kind of tone deaf as it is perfectly clear the OP could not do that, nor of course should she. But go you with all your money and fabulous family
stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 10:14

@Keepitonthedownlow

What's wrong with watching Gogglebox??
It's probably more about remote hogging than Gogglebox.
stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 10:16

@mam0918

Maybe not (but 'I didnt ask to be born' is the kind of shit an angsty young teen says not an adult, if you really felt that way as an adult you would likely have suicidal mental health issues) but she is asking for a free ride and punishing those who gave here care for 18 years because they couldnt give her the finacial experiance to travel once she got past 18.

Honestly just the most selfish view of parents I have ever heard.

Er, no, she was booted out of the house at 18. That has to hurt, the travel is just one of the examples of feeling different to her peers.

Estasala · 27/04/2021 10:16

When I was at uni I still considered the family home to be my home. The uni digs were just somewhere (very basic) I was staying temporarily with a carload of possessions.

A lot of my stuff, most of my books etc were still at home with my parents. I came back in holidays and after graduation when I was first working.

I would have been devastated if they had told me I was not allowed to come home again. I would have felt rootless, rejected, homeless.

If you have money to pay rent for her you could instead help her save up for a deposit.

Maggiesfarm · 27/04/2021 10:18

mam0918: did they not raise you for 16-18 years where they feed you, cleaned up your vomit, wiped your arse, paid for your expenses etc...?
.........
That is what parents are supposed to do, children do not have to be grateful for such basics.

If you read the post to which you responded, properly, you would see the poster was quite let down by her parents, who let her room as soon as she went to uni. She had a hard time.

She also hasn't said she won't give her parents a hand if they need it, just that she still feels bad about their attitudes in her earlier life.

Comefromaway · 27/04/2021 10:19

[quote stackemhigh]@mam0918

Maybe not (but 'I didnt ask to be born' is the kind of shit an angsty young teen says not an adult, if you really felt that way as an adult you would likely have suicidal mental health issues) but she is asking for a free ride and punishing those who gave here care for 18 years because they couldnt give her the finacial experiance to travel once she got past 18.

Honestly just the most selfish view of parents I have ever heard.

Er, no, she was booted out of the house at 18. That has to hurt, the travel is just one of the examples of feeling different to her peers.[/quote]
What! She was effectively made homeless at the age of 18. You can be pretty sure that parents who do that to their young daughter were certainly not the caring type growing up.

Soontobe60 · 27/04/2021 10:23

@CirclesWithinCircles

Gosh, she's only 22. This seems harsh OP, just in case it might go wrong. Don't be surprised if as a result she becomes very independent and doesn't have much time for you as you age.

And if she has decided to leave university to do this course, presumably she is still a student so where has she been staying during the summer and other holidays?

Both my children had bought their own houses by the time they were 22. Both are fiercely independent. Isn’t that what we want for our children? I certainly don’t expect my children to feel obligated to make time for me in my ‘old age’.
douliket · 27/04/2021 10:27

I totally understand where you are coming from,op. I think I will be in you situation very soon,I adore my kids, and I adore our great relationship. However, if my eldest was to come home,it would be challenging as she is fiercely independent and likes things always to be a certain way!!!
So you need to thread very carefully here as you don't want your relationship to suffer. So here's the plan.
You absolutely agree, wholeheartedly to have her home. You tell her, however , the rules must be agreed and that you hope they won't annoy her too much but that you will be flexible. You tell her, here's a tv for her room,get her a lovely new bedspread..show her you are making a big effort, which u are..now comes the set of rules that are non negotiable..nobody in the house due to Covid, family tv is you and your husbands,plenty other and phones and tablets around the house for her to use, she can eat the main meals that you cook as you will include her of course but if she wants to sook something different then she must check with you what time the oven is free..and quiet time for you and your husband is non negotiable at this stage of your lives..she must use head phones and you want noise level at a minimum..after that she can stay as long as she likes but rules are not to die debate..this way, op,you will find your dd l, will appreciate that you have welcomed her home with open arms but she won't be long running out the door again looking for somewhere else to live once you rules get too annoying, and hopefully we will have a new poster here in a few months..AIBU to tell my parents that I can't live with their annoying rules anymore and want to move😄

snackmonster · 27/04/2021 10:34

If she has left uni (which would have only been her term-time address), she technically DOES live with you - your home is her home, until she decides to move out! I would definitely try to make it work, especially because saving is near enough impossible in the current climate without living in the family home.

Comefromaway · 27/04/2021 10:38

@snackmonster

If she has left uni (which would have only been her term-time address), she technically DOES live with you - your home is her home, until she decides to move out! I would definitely try to make it work, especially because saving is near enough impossible in the current climate without living in the family home.
From what the OP has said her dd's uni address was not a term time address only as she never came home during the holidays.
Clare876 · 27/04/2021 10:45

Your offer of helping towards rent sounds amazingly generous. When I started university my bedroom was immediately changed into a different purpose room. I had to sleep on a put up bed when on holidays. I have an amazing relationship with my parents and no underlying resentment from this. People worry to much, they may be someone's child but people of university age are no longer children.

Original poster
Tiddleypoms · 27/04/2021 10:54

To clarify . She has been working in another place whikst taking a year off from uni as unsure it for her. She did that as she had signed a contract to stay in that house until this summer as well as the fact she likws living with young people . Re the money to support her in flat ,i am.happy to work extra as do a less stressful job now . I consider out money as family money
.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddleypoms · 27/04/2021 10:57

I just knownafter living in a party house of 20 ton25 year olds the rules we would set would irritate her after a few days. ! You can hear everyone every were in this small house and she is used to her ways . We wd be happy that she came round each day and when shw comes we often have a whole gang of 20 year olds .. welcome them .. but not all the time!

OP posts:
warmandtoasty2day · 27/04/2021 10:59

so many mothers on here say about having their adult dc back home to live but in reality would dad be on board as much as mum was ? or do the mothers get the last say on the matter ?

just interested from another angle.

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 10:59

I consider out money as family money

I find this odd. It's yours and your husband's money. You may wish to offer help of course, but that doesn't it make your dc's money.

FeelinHappy · 27/04/2021 11:07

You've clearly made up your mind.

I think 22's still a bit young, given university does delay leaving the nest in a way. I think you should welcome her back but very much on your own terms. She'll be glad to have the security of being "allowed" back but will be kicking her heels to move out soon enough, and then you can offer to help her with rent. Achieves much the same thing but without the "no you may not come back" which she may take as rejection, however sure you are that you don't mean it like that.

warmandtoasty2day · 27/04/2021 11:09

I'm with you op about needing your space, but i wouldn't agree with the family money aspect.

Maggiesfarm · 27/04/2021 11:14

As long as the op and her husband have sufficient for their needs + a bit for fun, including some provision for old age, I can understand how they consider their money to be 'family' money. They will leave it behind for their children anyway so why not spend it on them now? The op is working, they would hardly be suggesting this course of action otherwise.

Anyway, this is not going to be a long term arrangement, it's just helping out while their daughter does a course. She will be financially independent in time and time passes quickly.

time4anothername · 27/04/2021 11:16

sounds like you are really scared of losing control over your life and surroundings. Maybe that burnout is still affecting you more than you think?

Off point, I would find youngsters hard to live with at my life stage but I love Gogglebox as I get to catch up on what the popular shows are and the goggleboxers are mostly really entertaining in a good way, not a sneery way. A few of the families are multi-generationals living together, watching that together could start some conversations?!

SeaTurtles92 · 27/04/2021 11:16

I think you've got a harsh response on here.

I agree she should live independently. If you clash this will just make your relationship suffer.

Floralnomad · 27/04/2021 11:18

@warmandtoasty2day my husband would be equally happy to have our children home , and my children are adult now so we know how annoying they can be already .

Howshouldibehave · 27/04/2021 11:27

@Tiddleypoms

To clarify . She has been working in another place whikst taking a year off from uni as unsure it for her. She did that as she had signed a contract to stay in that house until this summer as well as the fact she likws living with young people . Re the money to support her in flat ,i am.happy to work extra as do a less stressful job now . I consider out money as family money .
How much money do you envisage giving her each month? For how long?

Will she be able to save?

Sidehustle99 · 27/04/2021 11:52

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Where did she stay during the holidays then?

Do you really need telling? Christ on a bike you effectively made her homeless as soon as she went to Uni?

How soon after she went to Uni did you downsize? A couple of my DD's friends are in this exact position now and I have to tell you that they no longer consider their parents as parents.

I myself left home at 19 and struggled to buy food and pay bills. I sold everything I had and offer went without. Going home to my parents 4 bed house wasn't even an option.

This is not the life I would want for my DD. Good luck, do what's right for you but please consider parenting doesn't end because it's inconvenient now.

SofiaMichelle · 27/04/2021 12:04

Some interesting replies...

The vote is very much in favour of 'YANBU' but the majority of comments are along the lines of, "I could never do that to my child!", and "you're making her homeless!!".

The 'shy Tory' effect in play: the majority keeping quiet for fear of of being screamed down by the vocal minority.

An0n0n0n · 27/04/2021 12:11

If she needs to save for a course just pay for it instead if you are willing to pay for a flat for her.

Im sure i could suck it up for a while for my daughter, shes your child, not an inconvenience.