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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

324 replies

Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 21:54

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

OP posts:
fairycakes1234 · 27/04/2021 16:58

[quote theleafandnotthetree]@Moondust001. Here here! Your mum sounds fiesty and has raised similar children. There is a bit of an Irish mammy martyr syndrome amongst some but I and many of my friends are determined not to buy into it. For our sakes, but also for our childrens sakes. I know a few products of the 'stay at home with mammy' and past the mid 20s at the latest it's really pathetic because inevitably, the mammies who never want them to leave are usually the type who continue to do everything. These are not grown up, house mate type situations, which are a different thing entirely.[/quote]
okay whateever you say, my mam was stong and independent, we all went to college but we all lived in Dublin so no reason for us to move out of our home in our early 20s, why would we? We also, shock horror were able to do our own laundry and cooking and our mother loved having us with us, we had a very happy homelife, we all got all well and enjoyed our time together, we all moved out in mid to late 20s apart from my youngerst brother who is now 40, the cheek of him!! It did us no harm living with our "mammy", oh and we dont call her mammy, too many irish films being watched i think :) Im so glad now I was at home a lot with her because shes dead now and Ill never get that time back. So again I would be very happy for my kids to stay at home until they can afford to buy their own house, or travel or whatever they want to do. Im in no rush to throw them out :)

fairycakes1234 · 27/04/2021 17:00

@winniemum

If any of my DC asked for help, as long as it was a reasonable request, I’d help them every time! I couldn’t turn them away because of some mess and noise! Can’t believe some of these replies! I don’t think some people realise but most of us will have DC living back at home at some point when they’re in their 20s. If they want to buy a house, most people can’t afford to save for a deposit while renting, it’s as simple as that!
totally agree
theleafandnotthetree · 27/04/2021 17:40

@fairycakes1234. I knew you would say you were from Dublin, I think the scenario you describe is much more common and my Dublin based friends are planning that this will happen to an extent though none of them necessarily see it as wildly desirable, more a necessity due to rent/house prices. In rural Ireland, and especially more middle class rural Ireland where people move away to go to college it is much less common and even moreso in my generation. I am genuinely delighted for you that your model of family life worked out for ye but it really isnt for everyone- I would find it totally suffocating- but that doesnt mean other kinds of setups lack love or mutual support. No one is talking about throwing anyone out, just finding a situation which works for everyone. And mammy is still widely used, at least 3 or 4 of my friends refer to their mother as mammy, for me it's mam.

fairycakes1234 · 27/04/2021 17:50

[quote theleafandnotthetree]@fairycakes1234. I knew you would say you were from Dublin, I think the scenario you describe is much more common and my Dublin based friends are planning that this will happen to an extent though none of them necessarily see it as wildly desirable, more a necessity due to rent/house prices. In rural Ireland, and especially more middle class rural Ireland where people move away to go to college it is much less common and even moreso in my generation. I am genuinely delighted for you that your model of family life worked out for ye but it really isnt for everyone- I would find it totally suffocating- but that doesnt mean other kinds of setups lack love or mutual support. No one is talking about throwing anyone out, just finding a situation which works for everyone. And mammy is still widely used, at least 3 or 4 of my friends refer to their mother as mammy, for me it's mam.[/quote]
the mammy thing just makes me cringe a bit. I think thats also more a rural thing. Its mam or ma where we grew up. Im just curious why your friends wouldnt want their children living with them. My kids are quite young but I honestly dont think Id mind them living with me when they are in their 20s, that could change of course..

theleafandnotthetree · 27/04/2021 17:55

@fairycakes1234. Lots of reasons, because a small house with 2 adults and 3 young children who you have some control over is very different to a small house with 5 adults and assorted friends, partners coming and going. Because they would like space and freedom to live exactly how they like. Because they want the house to themselves. Because it can keep you all stuck in the dynamics of childhood and teenage hood rather than forging healthy relationships as adults. Just because. The point is I dont think the OP or my friends or I should have to justify perfectly normal feelings and inclinations

Howshouldibehave · 27/04/2021 18:16

Op, did you explain how you giving your daughter some money towards renting a house would help her save?

Will she be earning herself? Student loan?

fairycakes1234 · 27/04/2021 18:34

[quote theleafandnotthetree]@fairycakes1234. Lots of reasons, because a small house with 2 adults and 3 young children who you have some control over is very different to a small house with 5 adults and assorted friends, partners coming and going. Because they would like space and freedom to live exactly how they like. Because they want the house to themselves. Because it can keep you all stuck in the dynamics of childhood and teenage hood rather than forging healthy relationships as adults. Just because. The point is I dont think the OP or my friends or I should have to justify perfectly normal feelings and inclinations[/quote]
grand but she was asking AIBU???? So we are allowed give opinions. I dont really care either way, i just cant imagine why you would have a discussion wiht your friends talking about when and why they not find it desirable to have their children living with them. But you have just told me space and other rather silly reasons, none which would bother me whatsover. Have a nice day.

Bearnecessity · 27/04/2021 18:48

Old caravan for her on the drive £500

headintheproverbial · 27/04/2021 18:56

YANBU. I'm sure if you offer to help fund a flat she'd be delighted with that. Realistically she probably doesn't want to live with you either.

Your life of solitary gardening and reading sounds bloody awesome. My youngest is four so it seems many moons until I get to do anything like that. Grin

daisypond · 27/04/2021 19:09

@Bearnecessity

Old caravan for her on the drive £500
They don’t have a garage, so might not have a drive either.
Bearnecessity · 27/04/2021 19:42

Street outside...

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 27/04/2021 19:56

FWIW, I get it, OP. I had to move home after my first marriage failed (I was only 23), and in my 5 year absence, my parents had drastically downsized due to a change in their financial circumstances. I slept on a futon in their spare room for nearly a year - it was fine, I bought a tiny TV and headphones, and learned when to do my washing so it didn't interfere with my Mother's very specific schedule... But ultimately, it was far from ideal.
I'd chat with her about it, see if you can agree on some house rules that will keep the peace. Maybe have a trial period to see if you can live peacefully together again.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 27/04/2021 19:58

if she cant come home she needs to stay with friends.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/04/2021 20:29

@Tiddleypoms

I am curious .. the people who replied that the home will always be their dc s home.. well yes , of course in an emergency.. but dont tou look forward to time with your dh and your own persuites.. ? To have dd near and to support her whilst allowing us all to have our own space seems ideal ( if said in good way .. which was the main aim.of this post ) .. i dont see why some of yiu are assuming this is almost rejecting.. its good to be up front amd honest and realistic .. no ?
I can’t see why I wouldn’t have time with DH or own pursuits as I do now so would be no different l I can’t imagine telling them they can’t live with us. They will always have a home with us regardless of age. They won’t stop being my children once 18.
warmandtoasty2day · 27/04/2021 20:41

no one has actually answered my question which makes me think this is mothers who want the dc to come back and not fathers, who are probably told this is happening like it or lump it.

daisypond · 27/04/2021 20:45

One of my DC is coming back home when she finishes university. Both DH and I are quite looking forward to it. She will be sharing a room with her two siblings, at least for some of the time.

Megan2018 · 27/04/2021 20:56

@warmandtoasty2day

no one has actually answered my question which makes me think this is mothers who want the dc to come back and not fathers, who are probably told this is happening like it or lump it.
My father would be delighted if I moved home. He’s had my brother back on 3 occasions (job/relationship issues) and we’re bith in our 40’s. He’d be keener than my mother tbh (they live separately).
MrsTophamHat · 27/04/2021 21:02

My children will always be my children, however, I will be raising them to be adults in their own right who are free to have different interests and routines to me.

While I would never turn my children away, I think once they reach adulthood I would hope that they would want independence and strive for that. Having my adult children back home for a period of weeks/months to help them out while they sort something better out: absolutely fine. Having my adult children live indefinitely with me (assuming they are mentally and physically well): much less keen. I would worry that it would cause resentment and damage the relationship if we clashed.

UserEleventyNine · 27/04/2021 21:12

Both DH and I are quite looking forward to it. She will be sharing a room with her two siblings, at least for some of the time.

How do the siblings feel about it?

daisypond · 27/04/2021 21:18

The siblings know the deal. They always all shared a room growing up and are looking forward to seeing each other again. We haven’t seen one of them for nearly a year. And the other one will just be here for university holidays.

Saracen · 27/04/2021 23:33

From what you say, I imagine your daughter may well have the same view as you. Perhaps she asked to live with you only because she felt it would come across as rude to ask for financial help instead - especially if, as you said, you might need to increase your working hours to come up with the money.

Original poster
Tiddleypoms · 28/04/2021 09:30

We spoke to her yesterday at lenght.
It turns out that she does not want to live with us whilst we get on , it would be annoying for both parties after a few day s.
We are so differnent how we live our lives and it wd involve a huge adaption on her part.. she plays music most of the day .. on the phone a lot .. weras I love bird stong , walking to the sea and just being quiet.
We meet in the middle as we both love to do other things !.
Anyway , she said its the last thing she wants to do but needed assurance re the choicè to leave uni and explore whilst knowing the v real possibility that she may be on mimimun wage and was afraid of this leap in case of temp financial blip .
The place she lives charges high rent in general even for a room as it is a great place to live with plenty of emoloyment and wealthy folk.
So it looks like we can help her pay rent via extra work if she hits a blip, she can take her risk .. knowimg that she has some security.. ( she has worked since she was 15 and also got all grade a a levels despite being unwell when did them so she is not afraid to work hard.. so imagine temp support) .. then we can hopefully contiue to support her without both parties being stresswd. I actually feel will have more to give her emotionally if am calm and ok in myself and not see a cross face when I ask another aduly to comprimise with us in our home. She knows she can abs come if she needs to and that there will be comprimise but she wants her freedom if she can .
Thanks all .

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 28/04/2021 10:24

Tiddleyporns, so pleased to read your update. It sounds as though you have reached a mutually satisfying solution. It won't be forever. Good luck to your daughter - and to you.

1Endeavour2 · 28/04/2021 10:34

I'm with you!
After a lifetime of adult children failing to leave the nest I am desperate. I realize the more we helped the more we undermined their will to be independent. Now my blood rises to dangerous levels when one comes back. Learn from me, put yourself first at some point. Don't undermine her capacity for responsibility and problem solving or it just won't develop. Tent in the garden, it's summer?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/04/2021 13:08

excellent outcome, @Tiddleypoms! Thanks