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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

324 replies

Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 21:54

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

OP posts:
CirclesWithinCircles · 27/04/2021 12:16

@Tiddleypoms

To clarify . She has been working in another place whikst taking a year off from uni as unsure it for her. She did that as she had signed a contract to stay in that house until this summer as well as the fact she likws living with young people . Re the money to support her in flat ,i am.happy to work extra as do a less stressful job now . I consider out money as family money .
Oh well, let's not do anything unless something goes wrong!

It seems that your daughter hasn't lived at home since she was 18, but it's not crossed your mind that she's changed quite a lot in 4 years? You sound as if you hardly know her as an adult.

It really only sounds like she's looking for a stopgap safety net for a while since her lease is running out and until she finds her feet. How old were you when you moved out to live alone?

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/04/2021 12:18

I would never say no to my DC living with me. What world are some of you in?

Justmuddlingalong · 27/04/2021 12:31

Regardless of their expectations or behaviour? You are indeed a saint. 😇

billy1966 · 27/04/2021 12:48

OP,

I think the offer to give her a little financial support is a good idea if you can.

She can find a room in a house of a similar age group.

Explain that the house is too small for anything more than a few days and that in the interests of protecting the relationship it really is better if she finds a house share.

OP,
You know your daughter and you know the family dynamics.
Some young adults might return home and you would barely register them in the house and others it is as if they have taken over the home.

I have heard this from others over the past year.

Flowers
SofiaMichelle · 27/04/2021 13:09

@GrumpyHoonMain

I would never say no to my DC living with me. What world are some of you in?
The real one.
CorianderBee · 27/04/2021 13:51

I mean she'd have had to come home after uni anyway... v unusual to be able to get a job and rent a flat straight away

Comefromaway · 27/04/2021 13:56

@CorianderBee

I mean she'd have had to come home after uni anyway... v unusual to be able to get a job and rent a flat straight away
I got a job in my university town and stayed on in my shared house as did several of my university friends.
winniemum · 27/04/2021 14:02

If any of my DC asked for help, as long as it was a reasonable request, I’d help them every time!
I couldn’t turn them away because of some mess and noise! Can’t believe some of these replies!
I don’t think some people realise but most of us will have DC living back at home at some point when they’re in their 20s. If they want to buy a house, most people can’t afford to save for a deposit while renting, it’s as simple as that!

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 27/04/2021 14:07

My DC has been staying with us for the last year after 10 years away. They have saved up enough to buy a flat and will be doing that in the next month or so - absolutely delighted to have facilitated this.

theleafandnotthetree · 27/04/2021 14:43

@winniemum

If any of my DC asked for help, as long as it was a reasonable request, I’d help them every time! I couldn’t turn them away because of some mess and noise! Can’t believe some of these replies! I don’t think some people realise but most of us will have DC living back at home at some point when they’re in their 20s. If they want to buy a house, most people can’t afford to save for a deposit while renting, it’s as simple as that!
We will only have them back living with us if it suits us! We have a choice! (Seeing as you're so gone on the exclamation marks 😁)
FinallyHere · 27/04/2021 14:56

My parents (while they were around) would always offer me a home. It was absolutely clear that, as while growing up, it was on their terms. They probably think that they relaxed the rules a lot when I was an adult but I would just never play loud music, leave a mess anywhere. Leave the kitchen a mess. Or even leave anything out of place.

Having my own home has been a powerful motivation.

In your shoes I would ask my DD how she would plan to hit in with the house rules. If she would abide by your ways of doing things, then she would be welcome to stay while she does the training

If she expected to treat the house as she would her own place, she would be welcome for short visits but not to live there for extended periods.

If you are in a position to support her training with subsidised rent, I'm sure any child would jump at the chance.

fairycakes1234 · 27/04/2021 15:09

God im sorry but Id never dream of not letting my child live with me, im hoping my kids would never want to leave home at 22, but then i think thats an Irish thing. Most of my friends kids all live at home in their 20s. Dont know what else to say really but yes I think yabu.

fairycakes1234 · 27/04/2021 15:10

@GrumpyHoonMain

I would never say no to my DC living with me. What world are some of you in?
I agree totally
Lampzade · 27/04/2021 15:16

Op, when I Ieft university I was extremely vulnerable. I had left the cocoon of university and had to look for a job in the ‘real world’
If my mother had told me that I couldn’t come back home I would have felt rejected and lost.
To be honest, I would have felt resentful .
You said that she is decent girl, so what you could do is have some ground rules
If the arrangement does not work then you can then have discussions about her moving out.

You have offered to help financially which is great, but that money could have gone towards a house deposit .

theleafandnotthetree · 27/04/2021 15:21

@fairycakes1234

God im sorry but Id never dream of not letting my child live with me, im hoping my kids would never want to leave home at 22, but then i think thats an Irish thing. Most of my friends kids all live at home in their 20s. Dont know what else to say really but yes I think yabu.
It may be an Irish thing in your circle but I'm Irish and feel totally differently as do many of my friends. I think the fact you would never want your children to leave home at 22 is frankly bizarre, do you not have aspirations for them in terms of independence, travel, third level, living with friends or partners, pursuing job opportunities away. Ok 22 is still just about ok if they have not long left college and just getting established but you give the inpression that you would consider it a failing on your part if they wanted to leave before that. I'd consider it a failing if they wanted to stay!
Moondust001 · 27/04/2021 15:24

I'm out of step here - to be honest I think you are being more than reasonable. She's 22 - an adult - and has decided to drop out of university to do something else entirely, and is expecting her parents to subsidise that decision. If she wants to do another course in something different entirely, then I think she needs to be looking at how that fits in with her working and paying her own way. 22 is not a child. What happens if she gets fed up of this course and wants to do something else? Of course, people can make mistaken choices and want do-overs - but there are consequences, and - at least in my view - they should not be consequences for the parents in subsidising those choices. If you are willing to contribute towards a place to live independently, then that is very generous of you. And far more than many 22 year olds get.

GappyValley · 27/04/2021 15:27

would never say no to my DC living with me. What world are some of you in?

A world where OP has made it crystal clear that they are very different personality types, and rub each other up the wrong way after a few days... Did you not read the first post?

Living in a house with conflict is not good for anyone. Either the OP or the DD would be having to fight the urge to live in their preferred way at all times. That isn't healthy for anyone, nor are the arguments when things come to a head and get tense

worriedatthemoment · 27/04/2021 15:31

How much can you support with rent and bills though? All of it ?
She may not have enough to have a flat if you can only give her a proportion of the rent and she is a student ?

Moondust001 · 27/04/2021 15:31

@fairycakes1234

God im sorry but Id never dream of not letting my child live with me, im hoping my kids would never want to leave home at 22, but then i think thats an Irish thing. Most of my friends kids all live at home in their 20s. Dont know what else to say really but yes I think yabu.
My mother was Irish through and through, and was very clear that her role in life was to get us all independent (in a positive way) at 18! I went to university so far from home that I would have fallen in the sea if I went a mile or two further. My brother wanted the (very good) fairly local university and was told in no uncertain terms that my mother wasn't having him home every weekend with washing and scrounging for money, so he could pick somewhere further - he then chose somewhere nearly 300 miles away, loved it and has never left. My sister joined the RAF at 18. She was a great mother who taught all of us to be strong, independent, and to grasp life with relish - and equally boys and girls. That was in the 50s/60s/70s!

I'm pretty sure it has got nothing to do with being Irish!

worriedatthemoment · 27/04/2021 15:37

Im in my 40's and I know even now my parents would let me move in and I hope ai am the same with my two
In fact I envisage having them here until mid 20's as renting would mean they won't be able to buy a property as most likely will have just average jobs as we can't afford uni and degrees easily etc or to help with a deposit in cash terms

theleafandnotthetree · 27/04/2021 15:41

@Moondust001. Here here! Your mum sounds fiesty and has raised similar children. There is a bit of an Irish mammy martyr syndrome amongst some but I and many of my friends are determined not to buy into it. For our sakes, but also for our childrens sakes. I know a few products of the 'stay at home with mammy' and past the mid 20s at the latest it's really pathetic because inevitably, the mammies who never want them to leave are usually the type who continue to do everything. These are not grown up, house mate type situations, which are a different thing entirely.

2bazookas · 27/04/2021 15:47

"The thing is, DD, since we've downsized I'm not sure you'd be able to adapt to how we like to live these days."

If she persists then you say " We all know we don't like the same music, TV, noise levels and there's no room for your mess. Sorry, it just wouldn't work".

Eyevorbig0ne · 27/04/2021 15:52

I'd feel the same OP.
My DD is 14 and the idea of her living with us in her 20s upsets me.
She's lazy, untidy, selfish, antisocial, moans about our TV volume, my singing etc.
I love her she's got good qualities but when I've raised this baby bird I want her to fly to her own nest.

rookiemere · 27/04/2021 16:13

@Eyevorbig0ne I feel the same about DS 15 Grin. Love him to bits, but man he is maddening.

Obviously happy for him to retain a room for holidays from uni, but I think it would be beneficial for all of us if he wasn't living home during term time and as for age 22 well wouldn't be my preference to have him at home unless it was on a short term basis.

Also to be fair thinking about myself at that age it would have been a nightmare to live at home. I did end up sharing a flat with DM only aged about 26 for a few months only and that worked ok, mainly because DF wasn't there and DM was prepared to accept I was an adult with a BF, but also both of us were out at work during the day.

Notonthestairs · 27/04/2021 16:41

FWIW my mum and dad helped me out with rent in a house share whilst I was training. I was - still am - incredibly grateful. I could have lived at home but they had their own stuff going on and it wouldn't have helped our relationship.
As it was I could pop back for Sunday lunch or just for a chat but also have some space to mature a bit more. For us it was a positive move.