Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

[Tiddleypoms]

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

@PinkCookie11

Nothing to do with guilt tripping I just don’t get how any parent could not want their child at home.

You could if you tried. I have 4 children, you think I should want to live with them all forever, until I die? Mummy martyrs out in force..."Oh my life is worthless as long as my children are happy, I don't matter!!"

@Holly60 OP explained why they moved house up thread:

"We had to adjust out lifestyle due to income after I burnt out at work after being assulated in a work setting by a very ill patient. "

Should OP have remained in traumatic work situation to retain more space, just in case in future her adult DD suffered a failure to launch ?

I agree with @CirclesWithinCircles. I remember that first long summer after first year at uni. Sofa hopping between friends and their parents, outstaying my welcome, working full time when I should have been studying, just to keep myself alive. Feeling jealous of friends who spent the summer travelling. All because my parents had rented out my room the minute I was gone. They then moved house. I never felt wanted again. And I was too young to cope with it.

Now they are old and expect us to wait hand and foot on them for free.

@Cowbells

I agree with *@CirclesWithinCircles*. I remember that first long summer after first year at uni. Sofa hopping between friends and their parents, outstaying my welcome, working full time when I should have been studying, just to keep myself alive. Feeling jealous of friends who spent the summer travelling. All because my parents had rented out my room the minute I was gone. They then moved house. I never felt wanted again. And I was too young to cope with it.

Now they are old and expect us to wait hand and foot on them for free.

I would not dream of turning my child away whatever their age. Simply contributing to a flat is not helpful if she feels lonely in a flat by herself, having left university. Does she has lots of friends locally to you? Is she settled there in terms of hobbies and potential part time work etc? It is not just the money op, it is about support, help and having someone there for you. I moved out as a young person, and it is tough and expensive, and sometimes overwhelming with bills and balancing finances.

In your place I would agree to her moving in, with boundaries and rules with a plan B that you are willing to support her living independently if whatever reason it does not work out well. I would move heaven and earth to try and make it work, she may not be with you for long, but the damage the could be done to your relationship if you appear to be unkind to her could be permanent.

OP, when I finished uni, my DM and I both agreed that neither of us wanted me back in her home - for all the reasons you give - nothing sinister, we get on very well but we simply would struggle to live together without getting on each others nerves. I did have to move back for a couple of months so I could save a deposit and then I moved to a flat share. There is a website called spareroom that can help find places like this. Is that an option? The rent is cheaper than a whole flat.

I know that if push came to shove and I was ever in a dire need, DM would have me in a second but until that point, we would both rather not. So long as your daughter knows this too YANBU.

There's no point in having boundaries if DD just ignores them after a week. Easier to just not let her move in.

I agree with you Dasher789 my adult daughter and I love each other but living together is just not on unless an emergency obv. Meanwhile a flat share seems a better solution for OP and her daughter.

I think the advice of of course you can move back but these are the house rules are perfectly reasonable if she doesn’t want to live in the house rules then she can find something else. When I lived at home as an adult I lived by my parents rules.

OP you sound lovely. It sounds like you will support her and she will know that even tho it doesn’t suit, she is still a loved member of your family.

But you did ask. My son will always have a place in my home. ALWAYS. If he needs it. No matter what. I hope he won’t need it at some point. But it will always be there for him. And he will know that it will always be there for him. Do you really want to tell your daughter the same isn’t true for you?

YANBU she is... you have raised your nestling and they should be flying by now, this is now your time.

if she needed to temporarily move home to get on her feet because she was fleeing abuse, had lost her home, needed medical/mobility assistance or something like that thats different but to just mooch is a huge 'no'.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

How is paying for a flat for her going to make her independent? If you are paying part of the rent will it honestly leave her enough to manage on if she is still training? And how long will you pay towards her rent, indefinitely? How can you afford that while living on such a tight budget?

That's what I'm thinking.

Situations are hard enough as it is with lots of jobs in shops, hospitality, restaurants and bars closing down so jobs for students would be fewer I'd have thought.

I take it the DD would get a grant or something towards living costs (I think?) but even then, if I were living out of uni in a flat I'd prefer to be in a flat-share or house-share and not be myself.

I'm not saying your DD couldn't live with you but couldn't you compromise for now and draw up some ground rules for living with you, at least for this year.

@countryatheart

I would not dream of turning my child away whatever their age. Simply contributing to a flat is not helpful if she feels lonely in a flat by herself, having left university. Does she has lots of friends locally to you? Is she settled there in terms of hobbies and potential part time work etc? It is not just the money op, it is about support, help and having someone there for you. I moved out as a young person, and it is tough and expensive, and sometimes overwhelming with bills and balancing finances.

In your place I would agree to her moving in, with boundaries and rules with a plan B that you are willing to support her living independently if whatever reason it does not work out well. I would move heaven and earth to try and make it work, she may not be with you for long, but the damage the could be done to your relationship if you appear to be unkind to her could be permanent.

That would be exactly my approach, and before anyone asks, I do have "children" in their twenties. Two are currently living at home, one of whom has never yet lived anywhere else but is working up to it. The eldest has been living here and working from home (here) during much of the last twelve months as her tenancy for rented accommodation came to an end and she was hoping to buy a property (it fell through).

I understand where OP is coming from as everyone has become accustomed to the current status quo and adjusted accordingly. So DD being back won't be easy, but I would still do it on the understanding that it couldn't be permanent and boundaries (agreed in advance) would have to be observed.

I'd probably review things tactfully every now and then to see how we were doing.

Before anyone else asks, I don't have a massive house and huge garden. Just about big enough, and there are 5 of us when we all get together so of course there can be squabbles. I also have a limited budget and always have had.

She doesn't need a flat - there will be plenty of rooms in HMO house-share arrangements with other young people and that is a much more appropriate choice for someone in her circumstances. She can get a flat when her earnings allow her to pay the rent on one without parental assistance.

@Cowbells

I agree with *@CirclesWithinCircles*. I remember that first long summer after first year at uni. Sofa hopping between friends and their parents, outstaying my welcome, working full time when I should have been studying, just to keep myself alive. Feeling jealous of friends who spent the summer travelling. All because my parents had rented out my room the minute I was gone. They then moved house. I never felt wanted again. And I was too young to cope with it.

Now they are old and expect us to wait hand and foot on them for free.

did they not raise you for 16-18 years where they feed you, cleaned up your vomit, wiped your arse, paid for your expenses etc...?

they clearly needed income to rent the room then to move, that does not negate the fact that they where your carer for 18 years so what has returning the favor by caring for them got to do with the fact your werent privilaged enough to have mummy and daddy paid for the luxury lifestyle of traveling you wanted (like most people aren't)?

I'm 43 and if I ever needed to move back to my parents they'd not question it, I could move the same day- I'd be the same with my DD.
What an awful way to feel.
I can understand not wanting a permanent situation, but short term I think that's horrid. 22 is terribly young to be completely independent and to feel unwelcome by your very judgemental parents.

My children know they will always have a home with us but there are significant strings.

Housekeeping. I will keep them whilst in full time further education and pay any expected parental contribution top up whilst in higher education but should they choose to live with us full time after this then they will have to pay housekeeping. If they are on a low income (apprentiship/UC) it will be a nominal amount of around £50 per week. If they are employed then it will be around £130 per week.

Our house, our rules. This means keeping their own room & bathroom clean and tidy and tidying up after themselves in family areas.

Headphones to be used after 10pm and music (we are a family of musicians) levels kept reasonable.

Their friends are always welcome (subject to covid restrictions) but they must respect our rules and our house.

did they not raise you for 16-18 years where they feed you, cleaned up your vomit, wiped your arse, paid for your expenses etc...?

Cowbells didn't ask to be born. She shouldn't feel obliged to provide care to her parents. And I speak as someone who provides daily care to her mum and will move her in to my home when the time comes.

@Cowbells

I agree with *@CirclesWithinCircles*. I remember that first long summer after first year at uni. Sofa hopping between friends and their parents, outstaying my welcome, working full time when I should have been studying, just to keep myself alive. Feeling jealous of friends who spent the summer travelling. All because my parents had rented out my room the minute I was gone. They then moved house. I never felt wanted again. And I was too young to cope with it.

Now they are old and expect us to wait hand and foot on them for free.

That's dreadful. I assume you were still only 18 or so and uni accommodation was only available during term time.

Op you clearly aren't rejecting her, you just know long term it'll be a disaster.

I'd go with "of course you can but are you sure it's what you want? I know you've got used to living by your own rules rather than mine and your Dad's. If you still want your own place, we might be able to help" and open a conversation.

@intheenddoesitreallymatter

Is your husband her Dad? What does he have to say about it?

I couldn't ever turn my daughter away, especially not at 22 it's a really awkward time. She's just starting out in the adult world and would be virtually destitute living in a flat whilst working part time/studying.

Can you not let her move in for a month, give her boundaries/a tv in her room and see how it works out?

Always let her know she can come home, you never know one day it may save her life.

How the hell is 22 an awkward age. It should be one of the best times in your life, in that sweet spot where you are fully independent (or should be) but with minimal responsibility. We seem to keep pushing the age of responsibility back and back til people will bleating about 34 being an awkward age

My dad and delightful stepmum couldn’t wait to get us out of the house. My brother was shipped off to the army at just turned 16 and I was asked to leave at 18.

I vowed never to parent like this. Our son finished uni after six months and came home and got a job. He now earns good money and is 22. We like having him around (he’s very annoying at times). I could never tell him he can’t live with us. It could damage your relationship for ever.

@Keepitonthedownlow

What's wrong with watching Gogglebox??

Had to agree with that. Also ditto to the suggestion of own tv and headphones in her room. We have had to accommodate children when the occasion demands it and one of my dds has accommodated their two boys (and partners) for awhile now as this has enabled them to save for their own properties. The eldest is now seeking a home earnestly in a difficult housing market but is only able to do so as a result of his parents help in allowing them to save the large amount needed for the deposit. In your situation I cannot imagine turning my children away and how is she suppose to afford rent while studying?

It sounds like your mind is already made up, or if not, posting on this thread has made your thoughts clearer. That's good as you can move on now to how to have the conversation with your DD.

FWIW, I would always welcome a DC home, whatever age. I've had late 20s DC living here whilst saving. It's not ideal but we did it for a reason.

But the best thing you can do now that you have decided is work out how to sensitively discuss it and what your proposal is.

@stackemhigh

did they not raise you for 16-18 years where they feed you, cleaned up your vomit, wiped your arse, paid for your expenses etc...?

Cowbells didn't ask to be born. She shouldn't feel obliged to provide care to her parents. And I speak as someone who provides daily care to her mum and will move her in to my home when the time comes.

Maybe not (but 'I didnt ask to be born' is the kind of shit an angsty young teen says not an adult, if you really felt that way as an adult you would likely have suicidal mental health issues) but she is asking for a free ride and punishing those who gave here care for 18 years because they couldnt give her the finacial experiance to travel once she got past 18.

Honestly just the most selfish view of parents I have ever heard.