I can see you are busy doing stuff involving sharp knives and hot things

[EastWestWhosBest]

and are really busy but I’m going to stand here and witter on about something you really don’t care about and get in your way. Oh look, here is a YouTube video about it.

I swear they've made 1 man and just cloned him.ine is clearing the food away when we haven't finished.

He also stands where I want to go constantly.
Kids ,ma,ma,ma,ma.
So I take my hearing aid out😅

Yes!
I can see that you are finishing cooking the delicious dinner for varying dietary needs whilst also emptying the dishwasher and writing on shopping list as the children are finally quiet enabling concentration, but did you know my favourite verbascum is this tall purple one. And there are 3 vestigate varieties, which do you think we should plant in our garden when it is ready in 6 months time?

Ooh look, you have a pan of hot fat and are about to drop something in it that I have specifically asked for for supper, now is a really good time for me to put my hand up your skirt, I'm sure you'll enjoy that (and you can't get away either tee hee).

XDH.

I will say something to you in a quiet mumble, even though there is a lot of background noise that means you will be unable to hear me unless I speak more loudly than usual. You will then ask me to repeat myself as you didn’t hear, so I will then repeat myself in the same quiet mumble.We will repeat this process two or three times more until I lose my temper and shout and enquire if you are deaf.

I will be completely unable to speak to you above a quiet mumble, unless of course you are making a perfectly reasonable request of me, at which point I will shout at you.

13 year old DS.

@AmyDudley

I see you have installed yourself in a quiet part of the house so you can read your book.

Allow me to enhance your relaxing experience by bursting in to describe a you tube video I have just been sent by one of my idiot friends. To make it easier for you to understand, while I am describing it I will laugh hysterically and gasp out my words so all you hear is a ludicrous shrieking noise.

Ah I see you have abandoned your book - my work here is done.

Oh @AmyDudley you have this so spot on. Then they're all miffed when you look at them agog as most of the time, it's not remotely funny!

Offenders are aged 19 & 21

Hi honey, I see you're chopping carrots with a sharp knife so this is the perfect time to grope your boobs. Oh why is the knife now in the back of my hand? I was only being affectionate!

This almost happened sooo many times

Also, waiting till you've run around sorting out washing, housework and kids and finally sat down before asking "whats the plan for today?"

Plus, I will hide in the office playing online bridge with the OW all evening until kids have gone to bed then I will reappear to have deep and meaningful conversation with you, even though I know you are bushed and just want to go to bed.

He's been gone 8 years, but this whole thread has triggered the memories

Will wait till thE washing machine is on and then will run in with a pair of socks.And then moans why didnt i wait.
Dear i asked you multiple times an hour ago had you anything for washing. 😤

Look how helpful I am being. What do you
mean, it’s not helpful to put things you’ve
got out because you will need them soon -
you aren’t using them now so I will put them
away or shove them in the dishwasher.

Keep him. Please!

What do you think would happen in Puerto Rico became a state in its own right?’

TBF that is an excellent discussion-opening gambit.

My DP recently attempted to mansplain explain and demonstrate every single fecking uninteresting feature of our new juicer while I was boiling kettles/heating oil/chopping things/emptying the food waste to make HIS dinner. And got huffy because I wasn't paying rapt attention.

Not had time to read more than the first few posts but can I add:

I will retire to my room when I see you are making dinner and sit there with headphones on. When you shout up the stairs that dinner is ready, I will fail to hear, then when I finally do, I will yell "WHAT" in an outraged voice. How dare you have the temerity to cook and serve me a meal? Especially when I spent the 30 minutes before you started muttering "what's for dinner?"

And just been reminded of this...

'Hey, this is my favourite song, have you heard this, you should hear this, listen its on right now turns up radio in car.....two second pause... so OMG THAT DRIVER IS A PRICK did you see him pull out like that, oh right did you hear that line its so clever hahaa, what great lyrics, oh and theres this other song by someone totally different it goes like this sings over music ARGH YOU FUCK-KNUCKLE GET OUT OF THE FAST LANE so wasn't that a GREAT song eh...

She's played this track for me three times and to date I have not actually HEARD it due to her wittering over it.

Also her on the phone...

Her: Hello, I am at work are you busy?

Me: Yes... hang on a second - (to OH: can you turn the tv off and stick the kettle on?)

Her: What, can I what, what was that?

Me: I said hang on, I am busy, I wasn't talking to you! Right I am here now

Her: Oh ok... (starts talking to work colleague)

Me: Hello?

Her: Bear with IM AT WORK....

Her: Ok here I am, so this thing happened and I have to tell you.. oh, Bear with, have to throw food at someone...... leaves phone in car, gets out, pisses off...

Her: Ok back now, so I have to tell you this thing, someone ordered food and they ordered it to the wrong address and they were really shitty when... OH PISS OFF YOU VOLVO DRIVING ARSE... sorry where was i.. oh bear with, gotta throw more food at someone...

Her: Ok back now are you still there, yes so, what was I telling you, oh I don't remember, shall I ring you back later?

Me: thinks. No! 'Yeah ok....'

Mum your pouring boiling water out of a pan and stirring another two boiling pots while trying to get cutlery out of the drawer and chop some veg but I really need you to lift me up right this second or my whole world will collapse.

And no, dad that's standing there doing perfectly fuck all won't suffice. Guess I'll just scream then.

@WhereYouLeftIt

You need an apron on when you're working in the kitchen, surely?

I bought that for my mum a few years ago.

Yes when I’m pulling out from a side road onto a main road with a 60 limit, that is a good time to try and give me a houmous pot

and show you the latest piece of cool music from the coolist bassist in the world
Charles Berthoud?

Better than ( name legendary bassist with stupid name).
Victor Wooten?

And let me choose something on the TV but then go to bed because I'm not capable of picking my own programme

@Mypathtriedtokillme

Today: giant tantrum “IM NOT SICK!” Said by 4 year old who has a hacking cough, is a giant grump and face filled with snot but still insists she isn’t sick.

I don’t get whenever I had a sharp knife in my hand chopping something is the perfect time for a cuddle from Dh. Get off me. I like my fingers attached.

There should be some kind of public information film.

Men, this looks romantic in films but it pisses women off no end.

3DCs: staring zombie like at the tv, non responsive to all questions/attempts at interaction
Me: oh, I'll just sneak off for a lie down/catch up on emails/read
3DCs: oh where did she go? Let's find her, jump on her and argue about who gets to hug her/be next to her

Hmm, I can see that you have been cooking our evening meal and it looks suspiciously like you are ready to dish up but I will pick this moment to raid the cupboards/fridge/make a bowl of cereal so I won't feel like eating the meal I requested you make.

Peachylovesherpoochy

We have the same child!

@Slippy78

and show you the latest piece of cool music from the coolist bassist in the world Charles Berthoud?

Better than ( name legendary bassist with stupid name).
Victor Wooten?

I play bass. I strategically avoid anybody who is into bass players, because I don't want to hear about Jaco Pastorius, Bootsie Collins, Berthoud, Wooten, John Entwhistle or Geddy Lee.

James Jamerson was far better.

I see you have just logged on for the day, ready to tackle the immense backlog of work that we discussed over dinner last night. This therefore seems like an appropriate time to announce that I'm off to school. Yes I'm aware I haven't yet packed my bag, put on my shoes, checked my phone, checked my phone again, wandered to the fridge for a glass of milk or checked my phone again. But I'm absolutely off to school right now and if you don't stand expectantly at the door it will wreck my routine and therefore will be your fault that I am both late and stressed for the rest of the day.

And yes I'm aware that the homework I printed at 11pm last night is still lying on the printer, but it will make everything so much more meaningful if I reach the gate before dashing back to collect it and repeating the entire routine.

@slippy. I have checked with DS, apparently Jaco Pastorius is God, but James Jamerson is right up there! Along with Marcu Miller

I can see that, (having spent all day/week/month making Herculean efforts to deal with the backlog of chores/tasks/work that has accumulated over lockdown) if I finally succumb to exhaustion, and flop on the sofa and close my eyes for 20 mins, this MIGHT appear the PERFECT opportunity to enter the room, (having not spoken to you for 5 hours) to SUDDENLY decide you want to talk to me and then get the raging hump because I act startled when I wake up, and appear less than enthusiastic about conversing with you.

[quote dementedma]@slippy. I have checked with DS, apparently Jaco Pastorius is God, but James Jamerson is right up there! Along with Marcu Miller[/quote]
Oh, God. A teenager finding them for the first time.

Don't encourage him. Unless it's to say the job of a bassist is to hold down the bottom end and look cool as fuck at the back, not out front making a tit of themselves with the technical wanking (an activity only pleasurable to themselves and nobody else) of a lead guitarist.

Or introduce him to the utter genius of Steve Harris from Iron Maiden. That galloping bassline whilst barely moving his thumb and forefinger made the sound of the band