I can see you are busy doing stuff involving sharp knives and hot things

[EastWestWhosBest]

and are really busy but I’m going to stand here and witter on about something you really don’t care about and get in your way. Oh look, here is a YouTube video about it.

Yes, I know I've been really busy all day with my Ultra Important Work Project That Must Not Be Disturbed even to prepare meals so you will have to cook every day this week although I will take breaks every 15 minutes to play with the neighbour's cat.

And of course I'm aware that you've been ill all last week and this is the first day you've had free to sort those items out properly, and you were hoping to show me how organised it all looks, but I'm sure you'd really rather listen to me ranting because the cat is now mewing outside my window and disturbing my UIWPTMNBD, which I'm sure is not connected to the fact that I've been giving it some Dreamies three times a day even though I claim I don't feed it.

Oh, you've done that job and want to move around the house to get some other bits done while you still feel well enough? Well, this would be the perfect opportunity for me to read you all the funny bits from this brilliant thread on Mumsnet that I'm looking at instead of doing my UIWPTMNBD. Let me make you a cup of tea first, well, put the kettle on to boil and then forget about it because although you are trying to add up a form full of complicated figures, I will distract you by snorting and giggling at this hilarious thread that you honestly must hear. No, it's really funny, you'll love it. You still have lots to do? Never mind, I will bring the laptop and follow you around the house, reading out the funniest posts, except I'm laughing so much you can't understand what I'm saying...

I am going to spend hours in my room, but the minute you have your head in the washing machine I will bound downstairs and have a very important question about minecraft

Oh I see you are cleaning out the children’s pets’ cage (because they got bored and never do it). Yes this is the perfect time to attach a hose to the kitchen taps so I can water the lawn. What? The animals are scampering about and shitting everywhere? But you can’t put them away because the cage needs rinsing? Oh water you say? You need water?! But I’ll only be half an hour. Don’t you want a nice garden?

I see you've been grocery shopping. I'll just open the fridge 35 times today whilst signing and complaining about how there's nothing to eat so what did you spend £40 on because the basics like bread, milk, eggs, butter, toilet roll, stuff for DCs lunchboxes etc is free and self replenishing. I will also ignore the fact that I have two legs and plenty of money to go to the shop and buy whatever I like.

Oh are you on the phone, now is the time I want to tell sit on your lap and tell you in minute detail about Roblox/Fortnite/Minecraft/Unspeakable/Mr Beast/my school day/my latest phantom pain in arm or leg or what the cat is doing (generally sleeping happily on a windowsill until you feel the need to scoop her up and bring her protesting to show her to me - its ok I know what the cat looks like!) despite having hidden in your bedroom for the 3 hours since we arrived home, rebuffing all attempts at conversation since school pick up. (DSs 8 and 10)

Or

I can see you are busy doing X or Y but can you instantly stop doing that so that you can pass me something or so that I can give you something to put somewhere, tell me where something is or so I can tell you something mind numbing (see above) (DH and both DSs)

My neighbour: it's 3am, and you're pregnant so probably don't need much sleep. Allow me to entertain you throughout the night by blasting my loud tv through the wall.

@NewAndImprovedNorks I feel like I need to see the four legged culprits, I'm a sucker for a terrier (or four!)

This is both the funniest and (for me) the saddest thread I have ever seen on MN.

It reminds me of when my son used to live here.

@SockQueen

Oh and here's a really funny meme which you won't get because you have no interest in Warhammer, but I think it's hilarious so you should look and I will explain it at length.

@SockQueen oh this is just constant!

Ah, you thought that the conversation had finished? No, I was just waiting to make my next point until you went into a different room AND turned on the vacuum cleaner.

I can see you're standing on one leg balancing the baby on your thigh to feed him while you're in the middle of making the risotto we're having for tea, as he decided he needing feeding that very minute or he'd scream so loud he would go purple, but I decided that right this minute is the best time to fit the new garage window and if you don't come outside and hold this frame up for me then it'll fall out and the whole thing will be damaged and I'll have to order a new frame.

Are we married to the same person ?

Ah, I see we are about to leave the house to go somewhere. You are rushing around packing the kids bags and getting their shoes on. But I've noticed I tiny screw loose on a drawer that is opened twice a year. I must fix it immediately. I will search every cupboard in the house for the correct size screwdriver while you sit in the car with the kids and wait. When I am finally done I will have to return to the house several times for glasses/wallet/phone and we will inevitably arrive at our destination twenty minutes late.

And this!🤣

Maybe there is a manual?

Please ignore me all evening when I am available to chat to you about any topic you want to discuss and wait till bedtime, when I am on my knees with tiredness (having been up since 5.30am) to describe in line by line detail, the exact plot of alllll the Percy bloody Jackson books and alllllllll his god friends.

I love when you quiz me on which ones are the half-gods and the full gods to make sure I am listening and even more when you want to talk about what powers I would have if I was a god (the power to put you into 10 hours of refreshing sleep so you’ll get out of bed at 7.30am rather than shouting at me)

@BettysCardigan

Oh and here's a fact about the Belgian goalkeeper from the 1984 World Cup team. And who is better, Messi or Ronaldo? Can you guess how many goals Messi has scored in the Copa America in total? I just opened a FIFA pack that cost 10000 FIFA points and got Fuckbender, a German centre-mid for Bollocks FC who now plays for Shite United since his ankle injury of 2017.

This is very funny.

Roblox roblox roblox, I have x number of pets, there’s a new update, I have a fly ride this, that or the other, I’m trying to make a neon y. I’m really tired. I’m bored. Oh it’s bedtime? Now I will tell you all the things that have bothered me today, just as you’re about to finally stop.

I can see and hear you are in the shower and you told me 2 minutes ago that you were having a shower. So I need to knock on the door and call several times so you come out straight away, thinking its urgent.
So I can ask for a biscuit ....
(Kids, multiple times, until the age of about 9!)

@Sunnyjac oh god! I feel your pain - I have a diamond ultra neon flyable rideable sludge rat - this girl wants to trade me for her (insert random combination of the above) panda but she is just a Scammmmmmah! (Worst insult my 9 year old can muster)

Ah, you're home from work! I've been working from home all day, and I'm sooo lonely. I know you're tired, so I'll cheer you up by telling you all the jokes I've read online today, and even a few I've made up.

Where are you going? The loo? That's fine, I can wait outside the bathroom door for you.

Kitchen now? Let me stand in front of each cupboard door as you empty the dishwasher. Guessing what cupboard you need next is my favourite game!

The kitchen is just not big enough. That's because you didn't agree to the extension I wanted, so it's actually your fault that I'm in front of the plate cupboard right now.

I got home from work the other day and sat down with a glass of wine. Dh, dd1 and dd2 all talking at me at the same time 🤯

@StarCat2020

This is both the funniest and (for me) the saddest thread I have ever seen on MN.

It reminds me of when my son used to live here.

they soon grow up and leave - I miss my son too

Once my DH gets a question in his head that's it, it needs to be answered now. Once I was at a small show jumping competition at the riding school DS went to. It was May half term week. One of the grooms came rushing up DH had called the office as I wasn't answering my phone (left in car) and needed me to phone home urgently. The urgent problem - when we go to Rome in October, how are we getting to the airport! To be fair, after his wounds healed, he hasn't been that bad again.

@SuddenArborealStop

You need a spoon? Let me block the drawer.

A pot you say? Let me block the cupboard.

Oh I'll just head to the fridge with my insane ability to know where you'll be next and block it unnecessarily

Oh dear god this is my husband too - arghhhhhh!!!!!!

Now that we're in the car on the way to the airport, I feel it's a good time for me finally to think about packing and suggest some useful things we could have packed. Obviously I couldn't do that yesterday as it was far more important to fix that sticky shower door because that's very important while the house is empty.

Yes, I know I dont get up until after midday, and then stay in my room attached to wires and screens like a death row zombie, and that from midday until dinner time I will only utter the words" whatsfordinnerI dontlikethat" BUT its now 8pm and you are comfortably settled on the bed with your radio on and theipad and a glass of wine because this is the only room in the house where you get peace...Of course there's room for me to spread out next to you like a 6 foot 3 hairy teenage starfish and show you the latest piece of cool music from the coolist bassist in the world, no not that one this one is like way cooler, listen..listen..you're not listening,I'll play it again. Did you hear the counter melodic thrum string twist double thumbing slap bit? Okay, I'll play it again. Listen. Better than ( name legendary bassist with stupid name). Or maybe not. Lemme find a video of him. No wait, lemme get my bass and try it...whaddya mean? FINE !! You'll be sorry when I'm famous. You dont even care." Stomps off to play bass and keep everyone awake.

Ooh Mum, I can see you're engrossed in something on the internet - I bet it's Mumsnet (LOL snigger) and having ignored you for most of the time I've been in the kitchen because I've been interacting with my fiancee about stuff not relevant to you so you haven't been paying attention, I will now aim a random question in your direction without specifying I want your attention and when you don't respond I will start saying more and more ludicrous things until something gets through the internet induced bubble like Martians have landed in the garden so I can laugh at you when you go "what now?" and then I will refuse to tell you what the original question was because the moment has passed and use the opportunity to berate you for your unhealthy internet behaviours despite the fact that if you interrupt my prolonged online game where I am a Viking doing important Viking stuff , which you only do if absolutely necessary as you respect my need from downtime from my hard manual job I will huff and puff and revert to being 16 even if it's about something beneficial to me.

(Disclaimer - DS is 26 and for the most part awesome in every way )

Thank you for telling me dinner will be about 15 minutes

Thank you for telling me dinner will be about 5 minutes

Dinner is now? But I need to have a poo at this very moment abs it will take a long time.

(DS, 19)