I can see you are busy doing stuff involving sharp knives and hot things

[EastWestWhosBest]

and are really busy but I’m going to stand here and witter on about something you really don’t care about and get in your way. Oh look, here is a YouTube video about it.

I can see that you've just woken up after being woken up 18 times in the night, haven't had any coffee and are in the middle of changing a very wiggly toddler's nappy, but I've been up for 2 hours waiting to talk at you about van parts. Look at this one, shall I order it from Amazon? What's my password? Is this one better? Why are you not paying attention to me?

This nails it really

So, basically, I can see you're in the middle of writing an email to someone and you have told me you have to concentrate but basically me and Sophie and Tara were outside at playtime and Joe came up and basically said to Sophie that her shoes were horrible.
And look at this dance I can do. Amy taught me it basically you jump over here and out your hand there and it's on tiktok and all my friends have it but they shouldn't have it because you have to be 13 and we are only 9 and 10...

Sometimes I am surprised that my ears still work

I'm so sorry to the huge number of you who seem to also be married to my DH.

He could be 10 miles away but as soon as I sit down with a coffee he'll magically appear, asking, "Where's mine?"

See also:

Oh dinner is being served? This is the perfect time for me to go outside for a smoke and then spend half an hour having a shit while you all sit at the table and then I'll moan that everyone has finished and the teenagers have disappeared to their rooms before I've even sat down. I never get to see them because they always disappear!

We're watching pennies right now? Yeah, get that cheaper bread, and let's stock up on this thing we like while it's half price. Oh but we also definitely need this £20 pile of sweets that are only for me as no-one else likes them.

I'm just going to shout at you to come here from the opposite end of the house when you're in the kitchen when the washing machine is on a fast spin. Why aren't you hearing me? This is very important! I can't find the thing that is obviously right in front of me!

I see that you are watching Line of Duty, that you have been looking forward to for a number of days. Let me pause it in the middle of the interview scene to tell you that Argentina lost their domain names because they forgot to renew them and someone else bought them.

I know that I have been sitting next to you in the sofa for the last 2 hours but I will wait until you get up and move to the kitchen, 2 rooms away, before saying something to you. Likewise, I will wait until you say you are going to bed and walking out of the door before I start telling you about something that’s actually quite important.

Surely you know after all these years that when I'm standing in the hall with car keys in my hand, saying "shall we go?" I didn't mean I was ready to leave the house. Obviously I meant its time for you to stand for up to 10 minutes in the hall while I do a raft of important things that I couldn't do while you were still sitting down with a book. EVERY TIME

Today: giant tantrum “IM NOT SICK!” Said by 4 year old who has a hacking cough, is a giant grump and face filled with snot but still insists she isn’t sick.

I don’t get whenever I had a sharp knife in my hand chopping something is the perfect time for a cuddle from Dh. Get off me. I like my fingers attached.

Why is the exact moment dinner is ready that Dh always needs to go do something that’s super important (sure sure)

I just eat without him now. If he’s not observant enough to see the plates been fished out then he deserves cold dinner.

I know you don't like talking in the morning so while you sit quietly with your coffee I'm going to tell you every thought I've had while I couldn't sleep last night and then go on about my plans for my day off today.

I see you're watching the TV, I just need to nip over here for something I left on the table in front of it. Oh but I'm also rather hot so I'll just stand here and take my jumper off. Why have you paused the TV? I said I was only going to be a second.

DH, I'm about to start dinner. That would be the perfect time to unload the dishwasher and rearrange all the cupboards and drawers. Yes, get a head start on the next load, sounds efficient. No, I haven't finished with that. Where's the dinner cooking implement I...? Oh.

@Mypathtriedtokillme

Today: giant tantrum “IM NOT SICK!” Said by 4 year old who has a hacking cough, is a giant grump and face filled with snot but still insists she isn’t sick.

I don’t get whenever I had a sharp knife in my hand chopping something is the perfect time for a cuddle from Dh. Get off me. I like my fingers attached.

But you'd have the perfect excuse for stabbing him "well your Honour, I turned round with the knife in my hand and he was right behind me".

I'm just going to shout at you to come here from the opposite end of the house when you're in the kitchen when the washing machine is on a fast spin. That's my husband-every time I'm in the kitchen with the washing machine/dishwasher/microwave going he starts talking at me!

@GillBungalow

My DS: oh you're in a MS Teams meeting with your boss, and bosses boss? Perfect time for me to share with you this TikTok video of a cat looking like it's kissing a gerbil then

My DH: you appear to be preparing the evening meal for our household of five. Here, let me physically be in front of every single exact fucking drawer, cupboard or worktop that you need to access at any given point. Happy to help.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhh TRIGGERED!

DS1 and I laughed when I showed him a tweet that said 'behind every great man is the drawer I need to get to WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN THE DAMN KITCHEN'.

But he still does it. Every. Fecking. Time.

I need you to look, look right now this moment. What do you mean you’re driving? I’m going to keep on saying “look, look” even once you’ve explained again that you need you’re eyes on the road.

You’re trying to find something at speed, which you need in order to leave the house but don’t know what room it’s in? Why don’t I walk right behind your feed into every room, so that as soon as you turn around you bang into me?

*feet

I’ve been in the kitchen where you are cooking for a while now. I’m going to walk to the other end of the house and then talk to you, imagining you can hear me.

And I’ll stand in front of all the cupboards and drawers you need into and look most put out when you ask me to move.

I know you have a very important work deadline to meet and your PC has only just been fixed by IT support, having been out of action now for about 5 hours. But this piece of editing I've just produced, making my Roblox character dance, whilst changing outfits at the speed of lightening is far more important. And if you don't watch it right this second, it means you're not interested in my life and don't love me. (DD 9).

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

You’re trying to find something at speed, which you need in order to leave the house but don’t know what room it’s in? Why don’t I walk right behind your feed into every room, so that as soon as you turn around you bang into me?

Ah yes. My DS dawdles in front of me the entire way round the house when I'm trying to find things and get out. Apparently it's not really cricket to physically shove your 4 year old out of the way.

I'm going to call through to you for a cup of tea so you put the kettle on, then start telling you a story. I will be aggrieved that you haven't answered me, so will come into the kitchen and complain you weren't listening, raising my voice to be heard over the loudly boiling kettle. I'll then trail behind you from the mug tree to the cupboard with the tea bags, the spoon drawer and then stand in front of the fridge so you can't get the milk out, all the time telling the story and repeating bits. I'll then wander off without my cup of tea.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

You’re trying to find something at speed, which you need in order to leave the house but don’t know what room it’s in? Why don’t I walk right behind your feed into every room, so that as soon as you turn around you bang into me?

I have two dogs who do this. They often seem to work as a tag team with one lying right across the doorway of each room I need to go into while the other is a second shadow so wherever I turn there's a dog in the way, and the one lying down will only move JUST as you try to step over them.

The standing in front of the cupboards thing - yes! Not only did exh always do this, and my dad does it too, but when we had a male au pair he always did it. Then when his brother came to stay a couple of days , he also did it!

I smell a rat here - I’m sure all the men are in cahoots!

What’s that? We need to leave in five minutes? Time for me to “jump into the shower” then...

This thread is playing havoc with my blood pressure

@Nocaloriesinchocolate

Surely you know after all these years that when I'm standing in the hall with car keys in my hand, saying "shall we go?" I didn't mean I was ready to leave the house. Obviously I meant its time for you to stand for up to 10 minutes in the hall while I do a raft of important things that I couldn't do while you were still sitting down with a book. EVERY TIME

We are clearly time-sharing dh, @Nocaloriesinchocolate.

I see you are waiting by the car/in the car because I said “Let’s go then!” - I’m just going to vanish back into the house, to do Lord alone knows what for 10 minutes or more, whilst you wait around like Piffy on a rock bun.

He’s clearly cheating on both of us with other MNers too because, despite my telling him he needs to be in the same room as me if he wants me to hear him, he waits until I have the TV on, and then asks me a question from three rooms away, and gets shirty because I say I can’t hear him.

Not forgetting - I see you are watching TV so I will come in and witter at you about something vital to me, so you put the tv on pause and pay attention. I have stopped talking and see you have rewound the bit you missed due to my wittering and are attempting to get hold of the plot again, so now I will think of something else absolutely vital I have to say so you will have to pause it again. I will continue repeating this pattern until you are ready to brain me with the remote.

Can you open the door for me
Just push it
No , you need to open it for me
Push it
Cant
Ok there you go the door is open now
I dont want to go through it now

Look there is the street bully can I go out and play with him ?
No
Please
No
I will climb out of the window
No you hurt yourself last time you did that
But I want to play out
You are the street bully thats why you can not go out

Look there are BIRDS on the road Look look look BIRDS !

I want food
You have food
I want different food
You have two different foods there plus some treats
I want different food
Tough

I know it is 3 am but i want to play with your hair
Stop it
ok I will play with your toes
(Yelp ) get off !

I will talk to you continuously despite you not understanding a word I say .

Why are you opening that cupboard ?
For a pan
Can I look inside ?
No
let me get in ,
No
To late I am in and wont come out until you go to shut the door and hit me on the nose at which point I will run off screaming like i have had my head smashed in

All thanks to Dcat