MIL constantly mentioning her daughter

[Fizzwizzfozz]

My dh fell out with his sister years ago basically she is greedy, selfish, a liar and has taken lots of hand outs from her parents who have always favoured her over DH.

Now DH and sil have hardly spoken in at least 17 years and MIL constantly and unnecessarily mentions her every 30 seconds. DH has tried many ways to ask her to stop, some politely others not so politely. She stops for maybe a week or two then slowly starts doing it again and until we are back to the every 30 seconds again. She tries to make it look like an accident or to quickly slip it in in fact there are many creative ways in which she mentions the name and it's contributed to us now going NC.

I will give an example. We had Broccoli at dinner and so MIL says "Mary likes Broccoli"

I bought a grey hat "Mary has a grey hat."

DH mentions a place in Italy "I'll have to ask Mary if she's been"

We had new floor put down "Oh Mary would love this"
My six year old dd even told her to stop when I was giving birth to dd2 and said "Nanny this is about a new baby not Mary."
Mil then went on to repeat this story three times when she first saw the baby but I think this is just so she can say Mary.
This has also extended to SIL's dd. When DH showed MIL the arrangements for our daughters birthday party, the first thing she said was "oh Mary's DD will love it!" And if my dd do something she says "Yes Mary's DD did this too"

Many of the mentions are not even in context. I commented on a film I didn't like and she then said " well, it's like Mary, she doesn't like." Then mentioned a different film.

Also MIL will appear to zone out and day dream then when she does say something the first thing she says is "Mary ...."

We don't want to hear about Mary because she has caused so much upset and treated us so badly and told lies about us, all of this is not acknowledged when we have brought it up so we'd rather not hear about her.

Has anybody else had this or AIBU to be annoyed by it?

What do you think her motive is?

I think she's upset by this and is trying to reconcile by mentioning things that you have in common with her.

Have you heard of the Golden child and scapegoat? One child can do no wrong, and the best the other can hope for is to live in their shadow.
Not all parents who have a favourite are narcissists but it can be useful to read up about it.

Yes I'm estranged from my sibling and this happens to me. My parents are both guilty of mentioning him and his partner and their life. I get very defensive about it because it is evident they are manipulated by him and siding with him. I don't want to know yet they still mention stuff maybe with a delusion we will speak as it is evident they blame me although the estrangement being equally if not more his doing. They are both scared to say anything to him. If it was just me i wouldnt be as angry but it is the fact he has made zero effort with both of my dc (he has none himself) and hasn't bothered to so much as ask how they are or meet them! My parents talking as they do condones it as he can do no wrong even when ignoring innocent dc. I understand how your dh is feeling op and it hurts.

Well we have sat down and spoken to MIL about the issues with SIL but she just blows a raspberry or looks at her shoes and says nothing

I'd definitely say there is an anxiety surrounding it it's like it builds up she says "Mary" and gets relief before it builds up in her again.

SIL has been absolutely awful to dh and me particularly when we got together but everyone has pretended nothing is going on.

@Popcornbetty DH is very hurt by it

Sorry...she blows a raspberry?

YANBU.

If geography allowed, I would only see her on neutral ground or at her house and give her one warning every time. ‘Please don’t mention Mary again or we will leave.’ And then leave. Every time.

My parents will bring sibling up then when i remind them of his selfish uncaring behaviour say they aren't getting involved (yet happily make throw away and loaded comments!) This is infuriating to the point that now when they mention said sibling i will blank it, change subject or excuse myself to make a cup of tea or use the bathroom. I am finding this is starting to work, maybe your dh could try this if all else fails.

We honest to God have tried everything. It's not just mentioning it's making EVERYTHING about her too.

SIL has this deliberate habit of doing a disappearing act at important times so that people run about looking for her. At one of my dd's birthday parties with nearly 50 children there Mil told me how Mary was going to cut the cake and hand it to all the children. Mary deliberately did not arrive until the party was over which left MIL looking out of the window the whole time in the living room whilst all the fun was taking place in the garden. Mil then told my friend not to cut the cake even when the children were getting ready to go home, because we needed to wait for Mary. My friend later apologised to me and said she'd snapped at mil saying it wasn't about Mary, because she had heard it over 100 times

Mary did the same at her own father's funeral wake. Didn't show up on purpose until everybody had left and MIL had wanted to do a toast and thank people, some who she hadn't seen in years, but wouldn't until Mary got there. She spent the whole wake in a different room to the guests looking out of the window for SIL.

It's as though there is an obsessive need to mention her a million times

Does your MIL have any sort of additional needs? It sounds like quite rigid, obsessive behaviour. And the raspberry is just weird

What happens if you tell MIL that Mary isn't to be mentioned in your house?

In fact I think I'd just grey rock it and pretend she hasn't spoken.

Every time she mentions Mary start talking about the weather.

Or do the Peter Griffin/Meg thing and just make fart sounds every time she says the name.

I almost feel sorry for MIL.

Her daughter is a complete shit to her & she begs for more.

I guess she's like to be able to break free of it like you have.

How would your husband feel about not bothering with his mum either?

Next time you see her and she mentions Mary, tell her 'We do not want to hear about Mary. We do not want to know what she likes or dislikes, what she's got or what she hasn't got. We are not prepared to hear about her again. We can achieve this one of two ways. Either you stop mentioning her, or we stop seeing you. Your choice.'

It sounds like she’s longing for Mary in some strange way. Is there some back story with MIL and Mary’s relationship? Dose MIL have mental health issues? I only ask this as as you have said it’s like a compulsion she can’t control.

She’s doing it because she wants a reconciliation and she thinks this will ‘help’.

The blowing a raspberry thing is strange and suggests a level of immaturity, perhaps she is unable to accept the estrangement.

It’s always the person who says enough is enough that gets the ‘blame’ for the estrangement. Your MiL won’t stop doing it. You need to decide whether you can tolerate the constant references or whether it causes too much distress to accept any longer.

MIL sounds obsessed. Maybe she needs aversion therapy?

I think she's very anxious over the subject of her daughter. Possibly she knows the girl is an arse and tries her hardest to cover it up maybe

The raspberry is more like the one a horse would do than t tongue sticking out one.

Mil had been asked not to mention her here it may stop very briefly but then she sneaks it in. So instead of saying "Before I had children" she will say "Before I had Mary and DH name..."

Or she tries to do it when DH has left the room but before long it's up to full pelt again.

My dh did literally have an outburst at her about it and she just says "ok, sorry" and tries to be more creative with it next time

I think it's violating his boundaries

@Immunetypegoblin

Does your MIL have any sort of additional needs? It sounds like quite rigid, obsessive behaviour. And the raspberry is just weird

I was wondering the same. And the looking out of the window for her all the time...

I totally understand how annoying this is for you, but there also seems something desperately sad about it. If she doesn't have additional needs, then there's some kind of mental illness going on that's related to the daughter. She must be desperately unhappy if the only release she gets is by mentioning her name all the time.

I'm sorry, I don't know what the answer is though.

Sounds like Mary is a narcissist and MIL is under her spell. Same thing happened in our family. SIL was (is) a hideous narc and we cut her out of our lives. For the rest of MIL's life she ran around her like a little lap dog. It was horrible. She always mentioned her to us.

Small air horn, you can get them in the party section of most dollar stores.
Toot it hard, with every Mary

MIL sounds pathology dependent on her daughter. Completely obsessed with her. If she's always been like this I'm not surprised Mary has turned out a mess!

Have you ever thought Mary might do disappearing acts because she's trying to avoid spending time with her overbearing obsessive mother!? It's really the mother ruining those occasions, not Mary's lateness.

This seems to go way past golden child and scapegoat dynamics. Your MIL seems unable to think about anyone or anything else other than Mary. Even at her own husband's funeral, all she could focus on was Mary. She ignored her old friends, her guests, at her own husband's funeral ffs, to pine in a separate room for her daughter. That's psychotic behaviour from MIL!

Your husband might want to start considering himself the lucky one to not be the focus of such scary obsession.

Does sound like MIL has mental health issues. Has she ever been on medication for depression, anxiety or OCD?

What does your DH remember about his family growing up?

I suspect my MIL has a mild learning disability that was never identified. In her day it wasn't something people talked about. She tends to mention certain people a lot or have a very rigid view.