MIL constantly mentioning her daughter

[Fizzwizzfozz]

My dh fell out with his sister years ago basically she is greedy, selfish, a liar and has taken lots of hand outs from her parents who have always favoured her over DH.

Now DH and sil have hardly spoken in at least 17 years and MIL constantly and unnecessarily mentions her every 30 seconds. DH has tried many ways to ask her to stop, some politely others not so politely. She stops for maybe a week or two then slowly starts doing it again and until we are back to the every 30 seconds again. She tries to make it look like an accident or to quickly slip it in in fact there are many creative ways in which she mentions the name and it's contributed to us now going NC.

I will give an example. We had Broccoli at dinner and so MIL says "Mary likes Broccoli"

I bought a grey hat "Mary has a grey hat."

DH mentions a place in Italy "I'll have to ask Mary if she's been"

We had new floor put down "Oh Mary would love this"
My six year old dd even told her to stop when I was giving birth to dd2 and said "Nanny this is about a new baby not Mary."
Mil then went on to repeat this story three times when she first saw the baby but I think this is just so she can say Mary.
This has also extended to SIL's dd. When DH showed MIL the arrangements for our daughters birthday party, the first thing she said was "oh Mary's DD will love it!" And if my dd do something she says "Yes Mary's DD did this too"

Many of the mentions are not even in context. I commented on a film I didn't like and she then said " well, it's like Mary, she doesn't like." Then mentioned a different film.

Also MIL will appear to zone out and day dream then when she does say something the first thing she says is "Mary ...."

We don't want to hear about Mary because she has caused so much upset and treated us so badly and told lies about us, all of this is not acknowledged when we have brought it up so we'd rather not hear about her.

Has anybody else had this or AIBU to be annoyed by it?

Does she see much of her daughter? It does sound to me as though she has some sort of mental health problem with her obsession, not just about her daughter, but her need to mention her all the time. I could sort of understand it if her daughter had died or if she'd emigrated, but if she sees her regularly it does sound really odd.

After reading your OP and subsequent posts, it genuinely sounds like she has a strange obsession with Mary. The fact that she will spend entire parties/funeral wakes staring out of the window waiting for her rather than joining everyone else is very strange.
Do they have a close relationship or are the tensions between them also?

So are GC not allowed see or speak to, or speak or about, MIL now? I understand how upsetting MIL's behaviour must be for DH....but MIL must be hurting too with 2 children not speaking for years & now adrift from DH & GC. If she wasn't instrumental herself in SIL's behaviour towards DH, maybe she doesn't see or cannot comprehend how devastating it has been. I don't mean to make excuses for her but in the absence of knowing the full story, just wondering if MIL actually understands especially if SIL is saying the opposite. Might you & DH reconsider if MIL now realises the consequences of her continously speaking of SIL & upset & agrees to let up mentioning SIL? It seems such a shame to lose more of DH's family members if it could possibly be resolved somehow.

The truth is that she wants to obsess about and idolise Mary. She doesn't apologise for it and you have to accept her as she won't change, or keep the NC or reduced contact for your sanity. She still has golden Mary so doesn't really feel what she's lost.

@HappyTodayForNow

I get some of what your saying my inlaws are like this with dps brother and wife and their kids. My dd is constantly left out but over the years i have learnt to bite my tongue (also me and sil do not get on shes vile uses inlaws particularly my wonderful fil...mil not to fussed about but its still wrong imo) i learnt to bite my tongue because during one of my rants to my mom she said the best advice in the world......"they have to talk about them so much and push them on people because no one else actually likes them so they only have their parents that like them" anyway i sat back and realised out of the 6 siblings none speak to them, acknowledge them not of the relatives talk to them etc. It was so true. So in your case im afraid your mil has to be full on and show them so much love, admiration etc coz no one else would want to.....

Your mother is a very insightful woman @HappyTodayForNow.

I think you have no choice but to go full NC and tell her why. You are damaging your DD otherwise.

Ugh! Had this with my MIL. My kids were never as good as SIL’s, the sun quite literally shone out of their collective backsides I decided after years of it, after feeling quite guilty as it was DH’s family to let em get on with it (he has no relationship or contact with his sister, there was no row just little nasty digs and undermining of DH and me coming from her, he eventually noticed and left her to it). We dropped the rope as they say. She’s very competitive and very much the golden child. The kids noticed that they were second best and have a respectful but very very distant relationship with their grandparents. I never talk poorly about them for my DH’s sake but they got the picture anyway and have complained to me about them. Such a shame but my kids are in their twenties now and it’s way too late.
Ironically my in laws have recently had a reborn interest in us and our kids (we’ve all worked hard and are doing ok which I think they found unexpected) but, although I would never be unkind or unpleasant to them, they leave me cold.
I feel more empathy/care for my elderly neighbour - isn’t that sad? They’re now in their 80’s and I shall be doing whatever duty requires as they’re my husband’s parents but absolutely nothing else.
Although it has taught me a very valuable lesson for any future grandkids I have so that’s good!

@SionnachGlic for years we thought mil was unaware of SIL behaviour and we didn't say anything so as not to upset her but it turned out she was aware and was covering over for her. Mil had kept secrets and lies from DH on behalf of SIL or at times just neglected to mention things. When SIL had her DD mil become a full time childminder for her and from then we saw less and less of her. If we asked her to pop over or help with something she would say "Well I need to ask Mary because I don't know if I'm looking after her DD" SIL told mil that there wasn't enough nurseries around and paid mil £250 per month to look after the child from 6 am to 4 pm daily and then to sit up with the child all night as the poor girl had a nonexistent sleep routine where she spent all day falling asleep and all night awake until three am. Mil is in her 70s so dh did say something about this on the hospital when fil was dying and SIL said she had to have mil take the baby because she earns too much to get tax credits and free childcare.
When fil was dying in hospital mil had SIL DD all day everyday SIL took time off work and sat by fil bed whilst mil babysat. SIL would not let me take her DD so mil could be with her husband.

Mil and SIL see eachother all day every day and since fil died and SIL has moved all her stuff into mils house. They spend half the week in mil house and half the week in SIL house. Straight away she stopped inviting us to her house and would only come here. When she did she was either spouting "Mary" at us or falling asleep in the chair exhausted.

My dd's haven't asked about their nan yet I think it's because they are used to not being as important to her and that's my fault for letting it go on. We are NC I don't want that behaviour to effect how they are themselves and how they conduct their relationships.

She sounds completely batty. The comments would make me really sarcastic in return. "There's Something About Mary." "Holy Mary, Mother of God."

Honestly I don’t think your kids will miss your MIL. Mine didn’t miss theirs as they weren’t getting any attention from her anyway. They can see it all now for what it was. I can’t go into details about how bad it got with mine, as it’s too outing and extreme but take it from me, if your MIL and SIl make it a competition and you’re definitely losing, bow out. For your own sanity and your kids self esteem.

It vaguely reminds me of my aunt growing up. She would ALWAYS mention her husband Bob. Bob this, Bob that. Every single sentence about what he did, thought, said on every subject. She would wait for him by the door saying he would show, but he rarely ever did. She thought the world revolved around him, but it was because he was an abusive alcoholic and she was so codependent to the point that she literally couldn't have a single thought of her own. He has been dead for a decade and she talks like he is still alive and perfect. It is sad but clearly some kind of coping mechanism for severe MH problems.

Your last post makes me feel very sorry for MIL.

SIL has a lot to answer for.

I don’t think you should put up with MIL’s behaviour but I hope something happens to reduce this enmeshment with SIL.

It sounds like elder abuse / bullying.

I still think it's her obsession rather than bullying. As long as she is obsessed with Mary and Mary's needs there is clearly no space for anyone else, not even for her DH as he was in hospital losing his life. Everything focuses on Mary. It's so toxic!

OP how long have you been NC, as your OP makes it sound like you are still in contact. And does MIL know you are NC with her, and why?

I don’t talk to my brother much at all, no callings out just different people. My parents do this all the time. Neil did this, Neils work is going really well my children do something and it’s Neils DC did that etc. It annoys the heck out of me because I know for a fact it doesn’t happen the other way round as Neil and his wife are clueless about our life. I spent my childhood being compared by all to Neil so don’t want it as an adult.
This sounds much more intense, I am able to say oh, look bored and move on. Not sure what you can do here.
I get annoyed as Neil lives in a different country, makes little effort to come here to see family yet O help out with caring for elderly relatives etc but will never be as good as Neil.

@NorthernMC Why don't you tell your parents how you feel?

[quote CokeDrinker]@NorthernMC Why don't you tell your parents how you feel?[/quote]
Speaking as someone who grew up in what sounds like a similar dynamic, I would imagine that Northern MC's parents wouldn't be remotely open to having a genuine conversation about this. They sound very entrenched in a Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic where one child is adored unquestioningly and the other, found fault with.

It sounds like tremendous guilt, anxiety and overcompensation. As if she has a constant Mary-Mary-Mary narrative in her head that spills out continually. I don’t think there is anything you can do but limit contact. She sounds unwell but not amenable to receiving help.

What you need to do is (agreed with your DH beforehand) say to MiL that if she mentions Mary again, you'll be putting your coats on and dropping her back home so that she can spend the rest of the day talking with Mary as she clearly can't spend an afternoon without mentioning her to you.
You don't want to hear it.
You won't put up with hearing it and you've already told her that you don't want to hear about Mary or Mary's children or Mary's cat or anything at all about Mary.

Then do it.

Even if you're mid-mouthful of Sunday dinner, grab your coat and get her bag and get her in to the car and drive her home.

You will no longer put up with her disregarding your wishes and boundaries.
Then don't have her back until she can respect your wishes and boundaries.

Or agree to meet in a neutral venue where you can leave, and perhaps even leave her there so that Mary can collect her and bring her home.

@LookItsMeAgain that's good advice, I've seen that work with an aunt who boasts incessantly. The only think that worked is getting up straight away and putting on coat to leave.

My mum is like this with her favourite child. She knows that I have gone no contact with my 'golden' sibling years ago and I think my mum mentions them constantly so I will see what a wonderful person they are really.
But they aren't wonderful they are manipulative, nasty and selfish. I was neglected over this sibling so they are a product of my mother.
That comment above about pushing them because everyone dislikes them rings true for me.

@LookItsMeAgain I came to say this exact thing. If you (OP) don’t want to cut her off completely this is the only thing left to do.

Give her a warning the first mention if you’re feeling nice, but remind her very single time you visit that you will NOT tolerate this incessant obsession and it is upsetting for your husband. If she can’t control her mouth then there are consequences. It’s not fair for your husband to be subjected to this hurt all the time.

I’m thinking ocd
Could she simply not be able to not keep saying her name ,
Sounds like OCD like she compelled to keep saying it

My mum has been doing this for the past few months since I fell out with my sibling. Basically I decided that they dont get to speak to me like a piece of dirt - the entire family allows them to get away with all sorts, and everyone just rolls their eyes and says "Oh that's just how XX is" - since then, every time I speak to my mum she mentions my sibling multiple times, in relation to nonsense really - things like if I mention watching a tv show she'll say "Oh XX and I are going to watch that together" - I think its purely because she's wanting to remind me that they still exist, and she's hoping for a reconciliation.

However when I say reconciliation, what she actually wants is for me to back down, stay quiet, not mention their crappy behaviour any more, and make her life easier. Which I am not prepared to do and I've shared that view with her this week. Your MIL sounds very similar.

The way I tackled it was just to look blankly at her when she mentions them, or change the subject completely. But its only been a few months for me, and if its been much longer for you then I can totally understanding you all being fed up with it.

I'd do what others have suggested - have one conversation where you say look stop it, or we dont see you any more until you do.

Well two can blow raspberries!! every time she says the name let off a loud raspberry until she stops, or one of those football vouvousayler things stink bomb or whoope cushion