MIL constantly mentioning her daughter

[Fizzwizzfozz]

My dh fell out with his sister years ago basically she is greedy, selfish, a liar and has taken lots of hand outs from her parents who have always favoured her over DH.

Now DH and sil have hardly spoken in at least 17 years and MIL constantly and unnecessarily mentions her every 30 seconds. DH has tried many ways to ask her to stop, some politely others not so politely. She stops for maybe a week or two then slowly starts doing it again and until we are back to the every 30 seconds again. She tries to make it look like an accident or to quickly slip it in in fact there are many creative ways in which she mentions the name and it's contributed to us now going NC.

I will give an example. We had Broccoli at dinner and so MIL says "Mary likes Broccoli"

I bought a grey hat "Mary has a grey hat."

DH mentions a place in Italy "I'll have to ask Mary if she's been"

We had new floor put down "Oh Mary would love this"
My six year old dd even told her to stop when I was giving birth to dd2 and said "Nanny this is about a new baby not Mary."
Mil then went on to repeat this story three times when she first saw the baby but I think this is just so she can say Mary.
This has also extended to SIL's dd. When DH showed MIL the arrangements for our daughters birthday party, the first thing she said was "oh Mary's DD will love it!" And if my dd do something she says "Yes Mary's DD did this too"

Many of the mentions are not even in context. I commented on a film I didn't like and she then said " well, it's like Mary, she doesn't like." Then mentioned a different film.

Also MIL will appear to zone out and day dream then when she does say something the first thing she says is "Mary ...."

We don't want to hear about Mary because she has caused so much upset and treated us so badly and told lies about us, all of this is not acknowledged when we have brought it up so we'd rather not hear about her.

Has anybody else had this or AIBU to be annoyed by it?

@Seafog

Small air horn, you can get them in the party section of most dollar stores. Toot it hard, with every Mary

I was going to suggest a vuvuzela, but that could work.

I don't think MIL is so innocent as everyone is portraying. She is a grown woman and she is the one who raised her daughter and she keeps supporting this behaviour.

I'd probably just minimize but not completely cut contact with MIL. I don't think anything you do will have an impact.

Has she ever acknowledged what happened with her? There must be something going on, very unusual.

My MIL is exactly the same about youngest BIL. Complete obsession in mentioning his name. She will tell the same story over and over and over again just so she can talk about him.

All her passwords are his name, she cries if she doesn't see/speak to him for more than a week. She has missed weddings of her other children because they've fallen out with him (he is an utter dick), she's disowned another child because they've fallen out him. Nothing is ever his fault even though he treats her like shit, takes her money and ignores her for periods of times which causes her not to eat or sleep.

This woman has 5 other children for reference. Completely bonkers. We play the how many times is she going to mention his name game now. Everyone has asked her to stop, she does for a period of time and then it goes back to normal. Bizarre.

Looking at it from another way , she is also her daughter
My dh doesn't speak to his brother and his mum will still mention him as he is her son, especially when talking about past or things.
We make it clear we don't wish to know what he is doing now or ask questions and just ignore the rest as also appreciate they. Are both her children and dh brother has been an arse to us but I accept he is still her son , and know I would hate it of my boys fall out when older and to be in middle of it.
So fine to say if she brings up say mary is doing that. , im not interested but if she tells a story and says before I had mary I did x,y, z thats fine as she should be able to mention her daughters name and not erase her completely

I agree it is very sad.
When I was little I used to wait up the window for my dad to come on a Saturday and he used to not show up, it reminds me of that when I see her doing it. Or it reminds me of our dog when DH goes out the door without taking him.

There's lots gone on with SIL, lies, games and all this carry on that we don't want in our lives.

YANBU

I don't know how you stand it. I would be inclined to leave DH to deal with her.

Every single time you're with her and she does this get up and leave. On the phone 'I have to go now' and hang up. Besides this is there anything good she does or would it be no great loss if she just stayed by her own window.

If you approach your MIL's behaviour as a psychological issue - which I'm almost certain it is - then there is precious little you can do to change her behaviour. It sounds compulsive, and riddled with guilt and perhaps even disguising something underneath that which is intolerable for her - hence these compulsive episodes of "pressure release".

So if you're in her company, know it will happen and continue to do so, and either prepare yourselves for that, or avoid her.

She sounds unwell. It would be cruel to stop seeing her. I think I would ignore the constant mentioning but not tolerate any occasions being spoiled due to Mary. Keep interactions brief but often rather than for instance spending a morning in her company. She needs to be encouraged to seek support for her mental heath.

Wow. Firstly I think every single time she says her name (even if it's hundreds of per visit) say very sternly "stop saying Mary's name all the time." then as your saying your goodbyes, reiterate they when your mil comes to visit, you want to speak about her and your family.
After a while if it still continues, notch it up a level. Explain to her that she has been given a chance to stop doing it and won't, so you won't be able to see her anymore because it is ruining your time together.

I'm interested in what was said to her at the funeral and parties when she was looking out of the window. Is she just left to it or does anyone try to speak to her about it? I couldn't just sit back and watch her do that. Im ashamed to say I would lose my temper with that kind of thing and I probably would have shouted at her about it

My mil used to be abit like this when my bil went missing from home from age 17 to 20. He did make contact occasionally but it was a very worrying time as he was with a bad crowd. The rest of us had basically disowned him due to drug taking and violent behaviour etc. But mil would talk about him an awful lot. And put Xmas presents out for him etc even though he wasn't there. It was really sad to see

It does sound like OCD. My mum has OCD issues, which do not fit the well-known handwashing/switching lights on-and-off type. She will fixate on helping someone, but to the point of becoming a martyr and obsessing about how they are fighting back against all her required help. She was controlling when my sister and I were little, like it with my DC when young, was worse with my nan and when she died it reverted to my grandad. He accepts it as can switch off his hearing aid and she runs around and does everything whilst complaining.

I have learnt that trying to stop her makes her dig her heels in further so I say my piece and then back away because she likes to have an audience to listen to how right she is. I'm sorry to say in your case if MIL wants to obsess over Mary I would back away and get on with your own lives. You cannot make her switch off her obsession.

@springnamechange

Sounds like Mary is a narcissist and MIL is under her spell. Same thing happened in our family. SIL was (is) a hideous narc and we cut her out of our lives. For the rest of MIL's life she ran around her like a little lap dog. It was horrible. She always mentioned her to us.

That's what I was thinking.

Yes I know a situation eerily similar but there is no resolution. Their trying to make silk purses out of sows ears. It’s embarrassing to listen to when you know how disparagingly the parent is spoken about by the favourite child but knowing that would hurt them so you don’t mention it.

I get the blame for it all though 😂

I don't think it's good for our DC to hear either. Always being told that SIL DD has already done something before them or does it aswell or also got a sticker at school and not hearing well done or anything acknowledging them or their achievements.

My dd2 was in hospital as she has bowel problems, they'd given her a massive enema and mid explosion mil was waving a drawing in her face saying look Mary's daughter has drawn this do you like it. I had to remove it and say she will look later.

There is guilt there and a fear that SIL will miss out or that people will find out things aren't all rosey. There's also a large amount of turning a blind eye, enabling and safety netting.

It's a shame it will cost her her Ds and gc of it hasn't already.

It sounds compulsive, and riddled with guilt and perhaps even disguising something underneath that which is intolerable for her - hence these compulsive episodes of "pressure release".

I immediately thought of sexual abuse of Mary when I read this.
Could there be some awful family secret?

The thing about these golden children is why do the parents treat one child so differently - I think it must stem from the DP's own childhood - so the golden child reminds them of them ( possibly some unhappy event in their childhood they obsessively compensate the DD for) . And this mentioning SIL seems obsessive - did DM want to have her adopted or something as a baby and now has this guilt?

Have you tried shouting "Bingo!" every time she says the word 'Mary'?

I wonder if she’s doing the same thing to Mary and constantly mentioning hour husband,

Yabu. That’s her son and daughter so she’s obviously upset that they have fallen out and that’s why she talks about her so much in his presence. None of your business.

@username34512875 yes most seem to be forgetting she is her daughter also
And nit mentioning her ever may not be possible like the story of when she was saying before I had mary etc
Op if you have kids think how it may make you feel if they fall out , even if you think one may have a good reason
They are still both your kids
Maybe chat to her again say you find it hard and can she tone it down as opposed to never mention her and say you will point out if it becomes to much and its up to her if she cannot agree to try , I think asking her to never mention her is a bit much though she can't just erase her totally
A happy medium could at least be tried

@Seafog

Small air horn, you can get them in the party section of most dollar stores. Toot it hard, with every Mary

Well doesn’t Mary sound like a manipulative cunt.

But I’m sorry, the air horn idea made me laugh.

“Do you know who’d love this lasagne? M - (hoooooooooooooonk) - ry.”

@username34512875

Yabu. That’s her son and daughter so she’s obviously upset that they have fallen out and that’s why she talks about her so much in his presence. None of your business.

Yes, but she shoehorns Mary's name into conversation at every opportunity, however spurious, and does it whenever she talks to the OP as well.

I understand OP, it must be so frustrating for you and your dh. But I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if my dc fell out and I couldn’t mention them to one another or was expected to act like one didn’t exist in the presence of the other. Those are her CHILDREN at the end of the day.

@blacksax well according to the OP but the OP doesn't want her mentioned at all even when she was telling her a story because she said before I had mary and xx not before I had kids !!

They're her children and they haven't talked in years, of course she's trying to reconcile them, it must be very sad for her.