MIL constantly mentioning her daughter

[Fizzwizzfozz]

My dh fell out with his sister years ago basically she is greedy, selfish, a liar and has taken lots of hand outs from her parents who have always favoured her over DH.

Now DH and sil have hardly spoken in at least 17 years and MIL constantly and unnecessarily mentions her every 30 seconds. DH has tried many ways to ask her to stop, some politely others not so politely. She stops for maybe a week or two then slowly starts doing it again and until we are back to the every 30 seconds again. She tries to make it look like an accident or to quickly slip it in in fact there are many creative ways in which she mentions the name and it's contributed to us now going NC.

I will give an example. We had Broccoli at dinner and so MIL says "Mary likes Broccoli"

I bought a grey hat "Mary has a grey hat."

DH mentions a place in Italy "I'll have to ask Mary if she's been"

We had new floor put down "Oh Mary would love this"
My six year old dd even told her to stop when I was giving birth to dd2 and said "Nanny this is about a new baby not Mary."
Mil then went on to repeat this story three times when she first saw the baby but I think this is just so she can say Mary.
This has also extended to SIL's dd. When DH showed MIL the arrangements for our daughters birthday party, the first thing she said was "oh Mary's DD will love it!" And if my dd do something she says "Yes Mary's DD did this too"

Many of the mentions are not even in context. I commented on a film I didn't like and she then said " well, it's like Mary, she doesn't like." Then mentioned a different film.

Also MIL will appear to zone out and day dream then when she does say something the first thing she says is "Mary ...."

We don't want to hear about Mary because she has caused so much upset and treated us so badly and told lies about us, all of this is not acknowledged when we have brought it up so we'd rather not hear about her.

Has anybody else had this or AIBU to be annoyed by it?

[quote worriedatthemoment]@blacksax well according to the OP but the OP doesn't want her mentioned at all even when she was telling her a story because she said before I had mary and xx not before I had kids !![/quote]
But why should she not mention her own daughters name if she wants to? Why should she walk on egg shells and be careful not to talk about her own daughter or even dare mention her name. It’s ridiculous in my opinion that the mention of her name gets you THAT annoyed. Unless she has done something really really bad then I would just ignore it.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@blacksax well according to the OP but the OP doesn't want her mentioned at all even when she was telling her a story because she said before I had mary and xx not before I had kids !![/quote]
Well this is the OP's thread after all, and the SIL has been vile to her as well.

Love the air horn idea! You could also start to keep a tally each time she's mentioned and shout the number out...25, 43, 100!!

If it was any other situation for example a friend constantly mentioning a friend of theirs who you don’t like, that’s a different story and I would understand the anger. However I wouldn’t expect anyone to feel they couldn’t mention their child’s name in my presence, even if I didn’t like them. You don’t have the right to tell her not to. And as people above has said, she’s probably (not so) subtly testing the waters in mentioning her daughter to your husband so frequently because she’s desperate for them to reconcile! Any parent would.

This sounds awful for you and your family , but for mil as well - she sounds miserable and to be frank , mentally unwell! I'm not one to hang bad behaviour onto a ' mental health' peg, but some of these behaviours seem to veer into that territory - waving a drawing in front of your dd's nose while she was undergoing medical treatment for example

Ynbu this is sad.

Is it an option to buy a foghorn and buzz it at her everytine she says her name.
If that's too over kill, count aloud everytime she mentions her and tell her why you are counting. She may be unaware of how often she actually mentions her.

I still like the foghorn though

Oh and I mean it's sad for your poor husband not sad as in I am laughing at your mil. Sorry I should have clarified that.

@username34512875

If it was any other situation for example a friend constantly mentioning a friend of theirs who you don’t like, that’s a different story and I would understand the anger. However I wouldn’t expect anyone to feel they couldn’t mention their child’s name in my presence, even if I didn’t like them. You don’t have the right to tell her not to. And as people above has said, she’s probably (not so) subtly testing the waters in mentioning her daughter to your husband so frequently because she’s desperate for them to reconcile! Any parent would.

It's not a case of never being expected to say it, though, is it? Her mentioning of "Mary" is compulsive and inappropriate. Like she is stuck on some loop. I thought OCD too, and possibly some needs in addition to that. (Only the OP can judge, obvs.)

But why should she not mention her own daughters name if she wants to? Why should she walk on egg shells and be careful not to talk about her own daughter or even dare mention her name. It’s ridiculous in my opinion that the mention of her name gets you THAT annoyed. Unless she has done something really really bad then I would just ignore it.

But the issue isn't the mentioning the name per se. It's mentioning it every thirty seconds (according to the OP) and forcing it into every conversation, always making it about Mary.

That's going to grate on anyone, but doubly so if it's a comparison and Mary always has to come out best from it. And it does sound like Mary has done some pretty bad things.

Your MIL actually sounds as if she’s being abused. I know this doesn’t help with your situation any, but it comes across as if she’s scared to show any connection to people outside the scope of her daughter. How does your SIL treat her? How would she react if your MIL were to do something she’s said she would wait for Mary for?

I think MIL is being obsessive over Mary.

She stands at the window watching for her long after others would have given up.

She's shoehorning Mary into every conversation.

And even waving a picture drawn by Mary's DD into everyone's faces at the hospital when OP and her DH are rightly concerned with their own DD.

This is way beyond a mother wanting her DC to reconcile. MIL would benefit from some counsellling to unpick what's going on here, with the anxiety OP mentions MIL showss.

Every time she says Mary, say “Who?” With a confused look.

Or tell her that the first time she mentions Mary she will have to leave/you leave and the maybe it might sink in that you don’t want to hear her name.

It is a massive violation of DHs boundaries.

I’m NC with a similarly twattish sibling and our mother, and I’m very clear on my boundaries. I don’t give a shiny shit what she does or doesn’t like or has or hasn’t been up to.

I went to the extreme of “Next time I hear X or Ys name(s), it better be in the context of they are dead, otherwise, I don’t care to hear their names at all. And even when they are dead, probably not even then.”

I was childless and my DB had a DD. Every little excuse to mention her name, my DM would. E.g. I'd say I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, she'd reply "Oh xx has lovely hair". Every conversation turned to her! It was impossible. She was obsessed with her. It was like I didn't matter. Slightly different to you OP but I understand how soul destroying it is.
Turns our my DM was desperate for me to have a child and she was trying to 'sell' me the idea that kids were wonderful (I worked this out, she didn't tell me). No amount of telling her to change the record helped. Until I finally had a DS.
So, I think she's trying to keep his DS alive in your memory in the hope you reconcile and has become obsessed with it.
I'd drastically cut contact. Or learn to play 'Mary' bingo. If she asks what the joke is, tell her and hopefully she'll be so shocked/embarrassed she'll stop!

Ok I get what people are saying about Mary being her daughter and of course she would want to mention her

Just for more information. We have tried to resolve the issues with Mary herself and Mary has sabotaged any attempts at reconciliation then lied about everything.

Mil spent years pretending to be oblivious to any issues over Mary but eventually my DH sat her down, on more than one occasion and very emotionally explained to her what was going on. Mil failed to acknowledge DH and would withdraw blow her raspberry and stare at her shoes or physically turn her head away from DH.

When I say that she would say "before I had Mary and DH" , she would do this out of nowhere. She would be staring into space then just say it or the conversation would be about something different and she would slip that in to make it fit.

We have told mil that there are issues that have effected my DH emotionally over the years that have been caused by SIL and said to her that we do not want SIL mentioned unless we are going to discuss and acknowledge those issues as it's very hurtful for DH. Especially when he is in an emotional state and his own mother refused to look at him and in the next breath says "Mary bought some nice shoes last week"
I have asked mil if she's discussed the issues with Mary and she said "I did but then she cried so I stopped because I didn't want to upset her." She won't discuss it with my DH and ignored him when he cried over it. After all the courage it took for him to come forward to her.
It's not an outright ban it's a case of let's talk about the problems with Mary that are being ignored and once we have acknowledged that then we can talk about her grey hat new shoes and love of Broccoli

I feel very dad for mil. I feel she is obsessed and trapped. She knows she has to acknowledge something but is maybe too afraid to and will sit and watch her son leave her life

My mum does the same, I fell out with my sister about 11 years ago. My mum even calls me her name. Drives me potty.

Avoid Avoid Avoid

If your DH has enough and doesn't want to be around her that is ultimately his choice and better that then her drive him mad. I had periods of not talking to my mum when she was being obsessive and she knows I have no interest in hearing her go on as I will end the conversation and walk away. Obsessive people really can be maddening!

My DM does this too. The incident that grated most was when we took her on holiday with us and her entire conversation was DB says we need to visit this, and DB says we should do that. DB refuses point blank to take her on holiday.

Your MIL is starting to sound pretty vile and I can't help wondering whether your SIL hasn't fallen all that far from the tree...

This is so sad. MIL sounds almost quite unwell and obsessed.

I think the foghorn or something at every mention of Mary's name, followed by leaving (or asking MIL to leave, if at your home) is brilliant.

I'm intrigues by wtf is going on here though, it all sounds very strange.

"DH has tried many ways to ask her to stop, some politely others not so politely. She stops for maybe a week or two then slowly starts doing it again and until we are back to the every 30 seconds again."

I'd have one last go at it. Politely ask her not to mention Mary to you again, and say that if she does, she'll be asked to leave your house. And mean it. Next time she mentions Mary after that, say 'I'll get your coat' and fetch her coat for her - because she's leaving.

I suspect you're hanging in there because you think children need grandparents? They don't. They're a very-nice-to-have if the grandparents are good people. But if they're not - and she really isn't - then they can cause problems. It confuses children why their parents allow themselves to be mistreated, and can make them think either that their parents should be mistreated, or that they, the child, should accept mistreatment. Don't allow your children's sense of boundaries and self to be messed with by this woman. She is not a good influence and keeping her away from your children will protect them from this weird behaviour.

Take a big step back. Much longer gaps between seeing her. Absolute zero tolerance to her saying ‘...Mary...’. Stop whatever you are doing and say NO, STOP etc. She does it again, leave. She is acting like a child; be the parent.

Sounds like over-compensating.

My DM admits she feels bullied by her son (my brother) who lives with her and yet she still at times presents an us (ie her and DB) vs me narrative, even though it’s me that provides that bulk of support to DM.