MIL constantly mentioning her daughter

[Fizzwizzfozz]

My dh fell out with his sister years ago basically she is greedy, selfish, a liar and has taken lots of hand outs from her parents who have always favoured her over DH.

Now DH and sil have hardly spoken in at least 17 years and MIL constantly and unnecessarily mentions her every 30 seconds. DH has tried many ways to ask her to stop, some politely others not so politely. She stops for maybe a week or two then slowly starts doing it again and until we are back to the every 30 seconds again. She tries to make it look like an accident or to quickly slip it in in fact there are many creative ways in which she mentions the name and it's contributed to us now going NC.

I will give an example. We had Broccoli at dinner and so MIL says "Mary likes Broccoli"

I bought a grey hat "Mary has a grey hat."

DH mentions a place in Italy "I'll have to ask Mary if she's been"

We had new floor put down "Oh Mary would love this"
My six year old dd even told her to stop when I was giving birth to dd2 and said "Nanny this is about a new baby not Mary."
Mil then went on to repeat this story three times when she first saw the baby but I think this is just so she can say Mary.
This has also extended to SIL's dd. When DH showed MIL the arrangements for our daughters birthday party, the first thing she said was "oh Mary's DD will love it!" And if my dd do something she says "Yes Mary's DD did this too"

Many of the mentions are not even in context. I commented on a film I didn't like and she then said " well, it's like Mary, she doesn't like." Then mentioned a different film.

Also MIL will appear to zone out and day dream then when she does say something the first thing she says is "Mary ...."

We don't want to hear about Mary because she has caused so much upset and treated us so badly and told lies about us, all of this is not acknowledged when we have brought it up so we'd rather not hear about her.

Has anybody else had this or AIBU to be annoyed by it?

My late mother in law, was exactly the same, not only had we an issue with her daughter, but the daughter had married into a lot of money, so the pickings were a lot richer at her house, than ours.

Arrange some counselling for your DH...it sounds like alot more to deal with than the constant Mary mentioning by MIL. Something awful happened & no-one knows except SIL (who denies)...MIL who is, most likely, hearing diff stories from both sides & doesn't know which way to go & seems unable to share/confide in anyone else & DH who has told you but cannot get acknowledgement or apology from either MIL or SIL. You went NC & are now disappointed by MIL's reaction as she hasn't behaved as you hoped? NC does punish people....yes, it is self preservation on the part of whomever instigates it (usually) but the nett effect of it is to withdraw yourself, your time , communication, love affection, assistance, contact ...everything from another person. From your earlier posts, MIL is possibly at risk of elder abuse (if not already enmeshed in it) at the hands of SIL. But I can't fathom how people can turn their back on someone elderly in their 70's ...unless it is a case that DH blames his DM for whatever it is that happened betw him & SIL. I get it is all a dilemma but if DH wants NC then how is he disappointed there aren't more cards for the family (kids). MIL prob doesn't know what she is supposed to do now. If my DC went NC on me...I'd be furious, not meekly trying to figure out how to behave in a way that is acceptable. That said, we get on perfectly fine so it would be hard to imagine such a situation arising. I know you don't want toxicity in your lives such as Granny forever gabbing on about an Aunt & cousins your DC don't see.... I get it that it is hugely irritating but the message they are now learning is that you can cut people off if they mis-step or don't behave as you wish. You said they love their Granny...so what explanation can you give them to justify this...not the backstory presumably as it is so upsetting to DH. I'd be thinking beware of the future if they start making lifestyle choices or doing something you don't like in future & voice an opinion on. I know it doesn't quite compare but without any context, especially if they love & miss her ..they might resent this cutting contact or they might store NC as a conveniently useful tool in the conflict resolution armoury. I think your DH might need more assistance with the past which seems to have traumatised him to the extent he is cutting contact with SIL & MIL now & he is none the happier. Time to deal with the core issue, whatever it is. Maybe counselling could at some point include MIL if only to make her hear (if she will).

@Fizzwizzfozz I just had a post I was typing disappear but the gist was, I experienced this in my family with my Gran (Dad's Mum), my own Mum (who ironically would complain about Gran doing it) and my "MiL". Slightly different "tactics" at play with all 3 (there was a little bit of playing one off against the other with my Gran with all of us, the extent of which was not clear until she passed away but the damage was far reaching and deep).
It's damaging and you do right with going NC. For myself I am extremely LC with my Mum, which has done wonders for my mental well being. I know it's hard and I feel for your husband and you, like him I wondered how she could accept I was so obviously low contact, but with her it is pride, in acknowledging it to me she would have to address it and discuss things and break her bubble and come into the real world and I know that will never happen.
Hope that made some sense

You keep saying DDs love their Nan, but really do they - or do they behave as the adults around them expect them to. Surely they must have picked up the strain when DMIL was round. And as she is a very odd lady and unkind to DH, you and your DDs she is better not being around the DDs.
People seem desperate for their DCs to have a loving Grandma, we didn't live near any DGPs, so hardly saw them, DCs never said anything or seemed deprived in the least!

@SionnachGlic

Arrange some counselling for your DH...it sounds like alot more to deal with than the constant Mary mentioning by MIL. Something awful happened & no-one knows except SIL (who denies)...MIL who is, most likely, hearing diff stories from both sides & doesn't know which way to go & seems unable to share/confide in anyone else & DH who has told you but cannot get acknowledgement or apology from either MIL or SIL. You went NC & are now disappointed by MIL's reaction as she hasn't behaved as you hoped? NC does punish people....yes, it is self preservation on the part of whomever instigates it (usually) but the nett effect of it is to withdraw yourself, your time , communication, love affection, assistance, contact ...everything from another person. From your earlier posts, MIL is possibly at risk of elder abuse (if not already enmeshed in it) at the hands of SIL. But I can't fathom how people can turn their back on someone elderly in their 70's ...unless it is a case that DH blames his DM for whatever it is that happened betw him & SIL. I get it is all a dilemma but if DH wants NC then how is he disappointed there aren't more cards for the family (kids). MIL prob doesn't know what she is supposed to do now. If my DC went NC on me...I'd be furious, not meekly trying to figure out how to behave in a way that is acceptable. That said, we get on perfectly fine so it would be hard to imagine such a situation arising. I know you don't want toxicity in your lives such as Granny forever gabbing on about an Aunt & cousins your DC don't see.... I get it that it is hugely irritating but the message they are now learning is that you can cut people off if they mis-step or don't behave as you wish. You said they love their Granny...so what explanation can you give them to justify this...not the backstory presumably as it is so upsetting to DH. I'd be thinking beware of the future if they start making lifestyle choices or doing something you don't like in future & voice an opinion on. I know it doesn't quite compare but without any context, especially if they love & miss her ..they might resent this cutting contact or they might store NC as a conveniently useful tool in the conflict resolution armoury. I think your DH might need more assistance with the past which seems to have traumatised him to the extent he is cutting contact with SIL & MIL now & he is none the happier. Time to deal with the core issue, whatever it is. Maybe counselling could at some point include MIL if only to make her hear (if she will).

When you write that the net effect of NC/LC is to withdraw love, affection, etc from another person, you are assuming that that person UNDERSTANDS love and affection and also knows how to show them. That is by no means a given. In fact, in the experience of the various people I know who have done this (I'm one of them), the situation has arisen exactly because the destructive person is incapable of those things. Incapable of genuine connection, for whatever reason. Incapable of reflecting on where they might have gone wrong and on how they could make some positive changes.

That is basically what a personality disorder is. It's not just a rather difficult person going through a difficult time or having some annoying habits.

It sounds like the MIL is being abused by "Mary." But it's also the case that the MIL is herself being abusive and has been abusive for decades. Her being in her 70s is not reason enough to tolerate that or to humour it.

I certainly get the impression that the OP and her husband could benefit from counselling or therapy. Forget about the MIL in this regard, though. Chances are she would either steadfastly and angrily refuse to attend or she would attend and (consciously or not) sabotage the whole process.

I can so relate OP. FIL was always mentioning to us what SIL was doing and what her son was up to. Our DC are older and I'm certain that SIL never got a running commentary on what we/they were doing.

MIL presumably wants you to patch things up and this is her not-so-subtle way of hinting?

Sorry hadn't RTFT and see that other details have now come out.

Thanks everyone it really has been helpful to hear everyone's views from outside the situation and to hear others have had the same experience. Going NC has been a process it wasn't a case of doing it and then being happy. It's the right thing to do but it involves grief and reminders of that person or the situation pop up from time to time. Birthdays etc.
NC is a last resort but it isn't a magic wand and it takes time to get used to it do you can move on

So not do

@Fizzwizzfozz

My dh fell out with his sister years ago basically she is greedy, selfish, a liar and has taken lots of hand outs from her parents who have always favoured her over DH.

Now DH and sil have hardly spoken in at least 17 years and MIL constantly and unnecessarily mentions her every 30 seconds. DH has tried many ways to ask her to stop, some politely others not so politely. She stops for maybe a week or two then slowly starts doing it again and until we are back to the every 30 seconds again. She tries to make it look like an accident or to quickly slip it in in fact there are many creative ways in which she mentions the name and it's contributed to us now going NC.

I will give an example. We had Broccoli at dinner and so MIL says "Mary likes Broccoli"

I bought a grey hat "Mary has a grey hat."

DH mentions a place in Italy "I'll have to ask Mary if she's been"

We had new floor put down "Oh Mary would love this"
My six year old dd even told her to stop when I was giving birth to dd2 and said "Nanny this is about a new baby not Mary."
Mil then went on to repeat this story three times when she first saw the baby but I think this is just so she can say Mary.
This has also extended to SIL's dd. When DH showed MIL the arrangements for our daughters birthday party, the first thing she said was "oh Mary's DD will love it!" And if my dd do something she says "Yes Mary's DD did this too"

Many of the mentions are not even in context. I commented on a film I didn't like and she then said " well, it's like Mary, she doesn't like." Then mentioned a different film.

Also MIL will appear to zone out and day dream then when she does say something the first thing she says is "Mary ...."

We don't want to hear about Mary because she has caused so much upset and treated us so badly and told lies about us, all of this is not acknowledged when we have brought it up so we'd rather not hear about her.

Has anybody else had this or AIBU to be annoyed by it?

She obviously wants you to reconcile. It must be hard for her.

As an aside, I'm not sure I believe your daughter said that.

I think MIL is obssessed with Mary as her entire life is manipulated BY Mary, Mary's life, Mary's daughter.

She probably then can't think about anything BUT what mary did, wants, said, likes etc, any time she is NOT with her, because Mary makes all the decisions or she has to check in with Mary before making any choices or taking any action.

It is very sad but unless SHE sees the issue and asks for help with it, it won't change.

So if it upsets you that much that she endlessly bangs on about Bloody Mary, NC is the only way, and I think for the sake of your kids, who are otherwise constantly having Mary and her daughter rammed in their faces... thats the sensible option.

@WiddlinDiddlin

I think MIL is obssessed with Mary as her entire life is manipulated BY Mary, Mary's life, Mary's daughter.

She probably then can't think about anything BUT what mary did, wants, said, likes etc, any time she is NOT with her, because Mary makes all the decisions or she has to check in with Mary before making any choices or taking any action.

It is very sad but unless SHE sees the issue and asks for help with it, it won't change.

So if it upsets you that much that she endlessly bangs on about Bloody Mary, NC is the only way, and I think for the sake of your kids, who are otherwise constantly having Mary and her daughter rammed in their faces... thats the sensible option.

And the award for the biggest leap

Whilst SIL sounds like an absolute nightmare, a mother's love is unconditional. She just wants everyone to get along and is totally preoccupied with this. All you can really do is try talking to her again and telling her that none of you will respond in any way when she mentions SIL in general conversation.

OP, I'd ignore the posters telling you to try again as they clearly haven't RTFT.

Your DH realised he couldn't change his mum, but he could change himself. You recognise that NC is painful.

Perhaps look at grief counselling and the Kubler-Ross curve. Look at the process of getting through this. Ultimately I think you are better to disengage from the negative obsessive MIL-Mary obsessive loop that you did not cause, could not control and could not stop and focus on your future.

@Butwasitherdriveway

*When SIL had her DD mil become a full time childminder for her and from then we saw less and less of her. If we asked her to pop over or help with something she would say "Well I need to ask Mary because I don't know if I'm looking after her DD" SIL told mil that there wasn't enough nurseries around and paid mil £250 per month to look after the child from 6 am to 4 pm daily and then to sit up with the child all night as the poor girl had a nonexistent sleep routine where she spent all day falling asleep and all night awake until three am. Mil is in her 70s so dh did say something about this on the hospital when fil was dying and SIL said she had to have mil take the baby because she earns too much to get tax credits and free childcare.
When fil was dying in hospital mil had SIL DD all day everyday SIL took time off work and sat by fil bed whilst mil babysat. SIL would not let me take her DD so mil could be with her husband.

Mil and SIL see eachother all day every day and since fil died and SIL has moved all her stuff into mils house. They spend half the week in mil house and half the week in SIL house. Straight away she stopped inviting us to her house and would only come here. When she did she was either spouting "Mary" at us or falling asleep in the chair exhausted. *

Oh yes, enormous leap...

[quote WiddlinDiddlin]@Butwasitherdriveway

*When SIL had her DD mil become a full time childminder for her and from then we saw less and less of her. If we asked her to pop over or help with something she would say "Well I need to ask Mary because I don't know if I'm looking after her DD" SIL told mil that there wasn't enough nurseries around and paid mil £250 per month to look after the child from 6 am to 4 pm daily and then to sit up with the child all night as the poor girl had a nonexistent sleep routine where she spent all day falling asleep and all night awake until three am. Mil is in her 70s so dh did say something about this on the hospital when fil was dying and SIL said she had to have mil take the baby because she earns too much to get tax credits and free childcare.
When fil was dying in hospital mil had SIL DD all day everyday SIL took time off work and sat by fil bed whilst mil babysat. SIL would not let me take her DD so mil could be with her husband.

Mil and SIL see eachother all day every day and since fil died and SIL has moved all her stuff into mils house. They spend half the week in mil house and half the week in SIL house. Straight away she stopped inviting us to her house and would only come here. When she did she was either spouting "Mary" at us or falling asleep in the chair exhausted. *

Oh yes, enormous leap...[/quote]
Were you diddling widdling before or is there two of you 🌞

Thanks for the paragraphs but it's still a leap

MIL and Mary sound completely codependent. Massively unhealthy and the endless comparisons between grandchildren would piss me off too, as they're not being treated as individuals but for the parent they represent.

It's sad, your MIL sounds like she's got severe MH issues.

@Butwasitherdriveway two of me, I can barely cope with one of me. Always been WiddlinDiddlin unless a NC for festive occasions.

Still don't think its a leap, though I suspect also MIL has a bit of a wet lettuce needy personality thats allowed such manipulation and dependency to occur.