MIL constantly mentioning her daughter

[Fizzwizzfozz]

My dh fell out with his sister years ago basically she is greedy, selfish, a liar and has taken lots of hand outs from her parents who have always favoured her over DH.

Now DH and sil have hardly spoken in at least 17 years and MIL constantly and unnecessarily mentions her every 30 seconds. DH has tried many ways to ask her to stop, some politely others not so politely. She stops for maybe a week or two then slowly starts doing it again and until we are back to the every 30 seconds again. She tries to make it look like an accident or to quickly slip it in in fact there are many creative ways in which she mentions the name and it's contributed to us now going NC.

I will give an example. We had Broccoli at dinner and so MIL says "Mary likes Broccoli"

I bought a grey hat "Mary has a grey hat."

DH mentions a place in Italy "I'll have to ask Mary if she's been"

We had new floor put down "Oh Mary would love this"
My six year old dd even told her to stop when I was giving birth to dd2 and said "Nanny this is about a new baby not Mary."
Mil then went on to repeat this story three times when she first saw the baby but I think this is just so she can say Mary.
This has also extended to SIL's dd. When DH showed MIL the arrangements for our daughters birthday party, the first thing she said was "oh Mary's DD will love it!" And if my dd do something she says "Yes Mary's DD did this too"

Many of the mentions are not even in context. I commented on a film I didn't like and she then said " well, it's like Mary, she doesn't like." Then mentioned a different film.

Also MIL will appear to zone out and day dream then when she does say something the first thing she says is "Mary ...."

We don't want to hear about Mary because she has caused so much upset and treated us so badly and told lies about us, all of this is not acknowledged when we have brought it up so we'd rather not hear about her.

Has anybody else had this or AIBU to be annoyed by it?

My MIL does the same with my SIL, who my DH hasn't spoken to in years for several valid reasons. At any given opportunity she tries to work her into conversation with the angle of her being a reformed character, which she totally isn't. I also catch her showing photos of Aunty to our young children and telling them wild stories of how incredible Aunty is. It really winds my DH up and it is unsettling for the children as they're not of an age yet where we can discuss the intricacies of the situation. I think the constant unwanted chat about SIL comes from a place of trying to fix things and the hope that DH and SIL will repair a bond that probably sadly never existed. That in itself doesn't bother me, it's sad not to speak to family and she is their mother, but she should respect her son's decision as an adult. I think the same goes for your MIL. You have my sympathy its totally annoying and draining to deal with!

It is strange and was a big elephant in the room for a long time. We said nothing because we didn't want to upset mil but it just got worse and worse. SIL behaviour and lies just got too much but the breaking point when DH finally sat mil down was when it was being said about SIL DD to our children.
My youngest made mil a potato sandwich from left over dinner, she was only little and wrapped it in foil and said it was for tomorrow's lunch. Mil took it and said " well it's like Mary's DD she gave me a plate of frozen strawberries" this was then repeated throughout the evening and all the way home. My DD needed to hear that her potato sandwich was amazing and much appreciated but all we heard from then was about frozen strawberries
I can't have my DD confidence bashed like that

Mil took it and said " well it's like Mary's DD she gave me a plate of frozen strawberries" this was then repeated throughout the evening and all the way home.

Beginning to sound like an early sign of dementia.

@Fizzwizzfozz

It is strange and was a big elephant in the room for a long time. We said nothing because we didn't want to upset mil but it just got worse and worse. SIL behaviour and lies just got too much but the breaking point when DH finally sat mil down was when it was being said about SIL DD to our children. My youngest made mil a potato sandwich from left over dinner, she was only little and wrapped it in foil and said it was for tomorrow's lunch. Mil took it and said " well it's like Mary's DD she gave me a plate of frozen strawberries" this was then repeated throughout the evening and all the way home. My DD needed to hear that her potato sandwich was amazing and much appreciated but all we heard from then was about frozen strawberries I can't have my DD confidence bashed like that

"We said nothing because we didn't want to upset mil but it just got worse and worse." You need to stop prioritising her feelings over your own and over your daughter's. She's the one causing the upset. You need to give yourselves permission to remove her from your life - she's poison.

@Fizzwizzfozz

It is strange and was a big elephant in the room for a long time. We said nothing because we didn't want to upset mil but it just got worse and worse. SIL behaviour and lies just got too much but the breaking point when DH finally sat mil down was when it was being said about SIL DD to our children. My youngest made mil a potato sandwich from left over dinner, she was only little and wrapped it in foil and said it was for tomorrow's lunch. Mil took it and said " well it's like Mary's DD she gave me a plate of frozen strawberries" this was then repeated throughout the evening and all the way home. My DD needed to hear that her potato sandwich was amazing and much appreciated but all we heard from then was about frozen strawberries I can't have my DD confidence bashed like that

See, this is really not ' normal' behaviour even from someone being a pain about a precious golden child . There is almost certainly something more going on here ( and sadly it does sound dementia related) perhaps a medical review is required. Notwithstanding I do understand that it's not great for your dd, but I'm wondering if mil is capable of providing the responses needed

@Seafog

Small air horn, you can get them in the party section of most dollar stores. Toot it hard, with every Mary

I thought this, it's sound flippant but I wonder if it would have a Pavlov's dog effect?

I think there are two separate issues- the question of the underlying intention / cause of MIL's behaviour- I.e.whether she is meaning to be hurtful...and the fact that whatever may be underlying her behaviour it IS actually harmful to your DH and your DD. How much more harm are you and DH willing to tolerate both for DH and DD? Once you have decided this you can decide whether you want to have another go at modifying her behaviour by providing her with negative feedback "STOP" every time - or whether it is time to significantly reduce contact as she appears pretty present in your lives at the moment if she was even at your daughter's hospital bed while she was being treated. Previous Posters are wondering about whether your MIL has an underlying mental health problem or difficulty understanding the impact of her behaviour. Would it make a difference to how you and DH feel about the harm your DD and DH are exposed to if you knew she could not help it / it was not MIL's fault? I think time to put your own nuclear family first

Carry a little whistle and every time she mentions Mary’s name give it a quick blow and say remember MIL we don’t want to hear her name

After your update sounds like something more than just feeling say sorry for her daughter of she is just saying things out if nowhere , again can only suggest one last talk

I don't think she was repeating it because of dementia I feel it comes from guilt and anxiety.

Its as though she's feeling very uncomfortable until she makes mention of SIL and SIL DD. Especially if something important is going on and it seems to be about SIL and her dad being left out or about my DH being made more of than SIL despite mil and SIL seeing eachother everyday and living together across two houses.

I feel sorry for her and yes before we went NC I was really worried about my dd's because they love their nan. But they were learning the wrong things from being in a relationship like that.

Oh for Gods sake.
Why i she at DDs bedside?
Why is she constantly in your house?
She upsets DH, your DCs & the whole family dread her name dropping.
Just stop inviting her, tell her why
"Mary is a fucking pain, & you are constantly shoving her down our throats. We don't want to & won't hear it anymore.
Go & hang out with Mary as she is so fucking special."
Cut her loose

Sorry OP I wish I had some advice but I do have empathy.
My FIL is like this with my BIL, Mike. DH & I went on holiday with PIL to try to get some quality time with them for this very reason, and it was 'Mike would like that' Remember when Mike cut his toe at the pool' 'I hope Mike's remembered to get his car taxed' The first day was excruciating, I counted he said Mike 15 times in one hour, it was like a bloody tick. DH is resigned to it which makes me more angry on his behalf.
I got so pished off with it I started doing that 'beee-beee-beee-beee-beep' that Jay does in the Inbetweeners when Carly's name is mentioned.
Mike does rely on them for everything to the extent FIL pretends to be him when sorting out his calls to the bank and paying his bills etc.
My sister thinks it's because they like to be depended on, to have a use and as DH is independent, he can be dismissed.
I found out on that holiday that trying to reconnect with them is a waste of time and now we just reduce contact which is painful for my DH.

Sorry but treating your DC like that is not on. She's had far too many chances, I've never said go NC on here before but now I am. She calls you, tell her to talk to Mary. Do you really want her affecting your DC like your DH? Cut her off and don't dare feel any guilt about it.

People who are in enmeshed relationships lacks a sense of self and healthy boundaries. The problem is, the people around them bear the brunt of it but cant do anything to fix it.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/enmeshment

Oh and after the drawing in the face incident I don't know why you bothered with her again.

@Picnicatwankingrock

Or do the Peter Griffin/Meg thing and just make fart sounds every time she says the name.

Totally do this.

@getsomehelp

Oh for Gods sake. Why i she at DDs bedside? Why is she constantly in your house? She upsets DH, your DCs & the whole family dread her name dropping. Just stop inviting her, tell her why "Mary is a fucking pain, & you are constantly shoving her down our throats. We don't want to & won't hear it anymore. Go & hang out with Mary as she is so fucking special." Cut her loose

Yep - agree with this.

You owe it to your daughter to limit contact dramatically, She sounds really toxic. It's your job to protect your child from people like this, family or not

Count the number of times your mother in law mentions her daughter and then say, "Do you know, you've mentioned (her) five times in two and a half hours?", or whatever.

She obviously cannot help herself but if you bring her up on it in that way, she might realise how pointless and tedious it is. Old habits die hard but they can be broken.

I get some of what your saying my inlaws are like this with dps brother and wife and their kids. My dd is constantly left out but over the years i have learnt to bite my tongue (also me and sil do not get on shes vile uses inlaws particularly my wonderful fil...mil not to fussed about but its still wrong imo) i learnt to bite my tongue because during one of my rants to my mom she said the best advice in the world......"they have to talk about them so much and push them on people because no one else actually likes them so they only have their parents that like them" anyway i sat back and realised out of the 6 siblings none speak to them, acknowledge them not of the relatives talk to them etc. It was so true. So in your case im afraid your mil has to be full on and show them so much love, admiration etc coz no one else would want to.....

Go either non contact or really lose the plot on the next ‘Mary’ and threaten to cut contact completely if the name is uttered again. And mean it.

I dont think this is dementia - I think she is trying to keep the idea alive in the hopes you will drastically change and suddenly want to reconcile. She has showed you she will not deal with her DDs shitty behaviour and that her response is denial - this is a continuation of that. I guess that she is doing that 'dont mention the war thing' and that trying not to mention her daughter means she cant think of anything else. But whatever the reason, it is hurting your family and you have the right to draw a line. I agree with the idea of fetching her coat every time she crossed the line and asking her to leave right then.

Introduce a Mary Tax. Every time she says Mary, she puts a pound in the jar.

She's keeps doing this because she hasn't had to deal with any consequences.

You need to put your foot down. Make sure she understands your boundaries and respects them. Tell her if she doesn't you will have no choice but to leave / end the visit etc.

Then do it.

Every time.

My DH and his DB aren’t officially estranged or NC they are just very very VERY different people.

We live our lived happily. They live their lived happily about 45 miles away. And since they ignored the birth of DD3 11 years ago we just decided not to bother with them. DMIL chose 10 years ago to move to retirement accommodation 5 mins for our house and 50 mins for their house.

We hear a MASSIVE amount about DBIL’s DS’s son - so DH’S Nephew’s son where DBIL is Granda. Never met the child, vv different lives, genuinely don’t care which is absolutely mutual. They don’t care about us at all and we don’t care about them.

DMIL tells us about the 7 year old and we make it clear that we don’t care. We don’t find it hysterical that he swears in school because that is what he hears at the sport they do. We don’t care about him doing the sport they do (motorsport with. 7 year old). We literally don’t care.

We just change the conversation to weather and she cares about that. We don’t but it’s easier

Dear Lord, totally obsessive. You say you’re now nc with your mil? I don’t blame you. Did you tell her how horrific she was to your dc? Shocking, frankly. Poor children to have a grandmother like that.