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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this would offend you?

235 replies

TrinidadQueen · 26/04/2021 10:00

At the weekend, DP and I went to a friends and met a neighbour of hers. I genuinely thought she was 19 and asked if she was at university. She went bright red and snapped at me that she was 37 then looked like she was going to cry.
Aibu to say this should really be a compliment? I would have been over the moon if I were on the receiving end of that comment.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/04/2021 18:34

But actually you based in on the fact that she sounds young and was shy so it isnt exactly a compliment is it?

GraceQuirrel · 27/04/2021 18:38

I used to work in a shop where we had to ID anyone who looked under 25. The amount of people who got an arse on because you asked for ID and they were over that. FFS it's a compliment and not a personal attack
I got asked for ID only last week and I am 50 next year. We all had a right laugh about it and I left smiling.

sassysuspenders · 27/04/2021 18:40

Assumptions make an ass out of you

I'm just leaving this here. No wonder her reaction was so strong if you went assuming things about her 🙄

Be nice or be quiet

TatianaBis · 27/04/2021 18:40

Most women would be delighted to be taken for 20 years younger.

She obviously has her issues with it.

Cocomarine · 27/04/2021 18:42

It’s not a compliment though.

It’s not offensive either, but it’s not a compliment. To be a compliment, would have to mean that it’s “better” to look young, to look younger than you are. I wish we could move away from that shit - we’d be happier for it.

Her reaction was quite strong, but I expect she felt patronised.

I’m frequent taken for younger than I am. Aged 40, I had to leave a bottle of wine in a shop because unsurprisingly I don’t carry proof of age. It wasn’t offensive, but it was an inconvenience!

TatianaBis · 27/04/2021 18:43

It doesn't happen to large males who look young

Of course it does 😂

I made a very similar mistake to the OP recently with a guy.

RedToothBrush · 27/04/2021 18:44

@GraceQuirrel

I used to work in a shop where we had to ID anyone who looked under 25. The amount of people who got an arse on because you asked for ID and they were over that. FFS it's a compliment and not a personal attack I got asked for ID only last week and I am 50 next year. We all had a right laugh about it and I left smiling.
And thats precisely why only petite females end up being asked. Because they are easy targets to ask.

No one asks blokes who look young. They just don't.

Its not a compliment in that context. Its identifying you as easy to challenge. Not questioning you based on your looks.

When you have a child with you, you are with a bunch of others who aren't asked too, you are paying with your credit card or obviously have car keys with you its just lazy and patronising.

Just ID everyone. Problem solved. No one is offended. Its a matter of routine so you actually stop those teenagers who look in their late 20s.

Scarlettpixie · 27/04/2021 18:48

Assuming a 19 yo is at uni is a bit odd. She could be working, doing an apprenticeship or anything really.

TatianaBis · 27/04/2021 18:48

I’m almost 6 ft and I used to get ID’d well into my late 30s. It’s nothing to do with height.

Typical exchange:

  • How old are you?
  • 35 but I love you for thinking I might not be 18!
1forAll74 · 27/04/2021 18:51

It sounds like a compliment to me, but so many people have such weird issues about all sorts of things these days. The woman is too serious for her own good.

Pyewackect · 27/04/2021 18:55

How strange Hmm

DontBeRidiculous · 27/04/2021 18:56

Seems like an over-reaction on her part. Not everyone is happy that they appear much younger than they are, but that's no reason to snap at people or become (nearly) tearful. Hmm

If she's that upset by her youthful appearance, there are things she can do (with how she dresses, does her hair, presents herself) to make herself look older.

I'd pretend it had never happened, if I ever had to speak to her again. She sounds a bit unstable, honestly.

TinselTinsel · 27/04/2021 19:06

I experienced this, people thinking I was much younger and the biggest issue was always being talked down to like I was an inexperienced child , until I opened my mouth at least ! I would never had cried though , yes it was annoying and sometimes embarrassing but there are worse things you could have said!

MrsRobert · 27/04/2021 19:08

PP mentioned the jealous patronising comments from other women. A neighbour laughed her head off when I told her I was in my 30s. She thought I was younger than her teenage daughters. It was incredibly bitchy so at least you didn't do that!

I won't miss this crap now that I finally look my age. I was on a night out after work with colleagues and I was asked by staff to leave the pub in front of everyone. The reason they gave was that children weren't allowed after a certain time.

MargaretThursday · 27/04/2021 19:19

@TatianaBis

It doesn't happen to large males who look young

Of course it does 😂

I made a very similar mistake to the OP recently with a guy.

Dh once answered the door to a chap who said "are your parents in?" His response of "I am over thirty and have two children" was unusually sharp for him, and I've never seen him get rid of a cold caller quite so quickly. I laughed. He was definitely offended. 🤣🤣🤣
Bleachmycloths · 27/04/2021 19:19

Forget it. It’s her problem not yours. You meant no harm.

TatianaBis · 27/04/2021 19:24

His response of "I am over thirty and have two children" was unusually sharp for him, and I've never seen him get rid of a cold caller quite so quickly.

😂

HaveringWavering · 27/04/2021 19:26

Why won’t you explain why you assumed that a 19 year-old would be at University?

Tessabelle74 · 27/04/2021 19:26

It's along the lines of asking someone when they're due to find out they're not pregnant! It's a sensitive subject and whilst you didn't mean to upset her, it's not your place to assume she's being unreasonable

roguetomato · 27/04/2021 19:29

To the middle aged woman , if someone said they look like a teen ager isn't a compliment, imo. I find it very rude to comment about someone's age to a stranger in the first place.

SFHJ · 27/04/2021 19:31

As the manager of a bar and restaurant, aged 32 I still get asked for id all the time and often if anyone has a complaint or want to speak to the manager they won’t accept it’s me, it’s so annoying! I can totally understand her being pissed off.

pictish · 27/04/2021 19:32

@HaveringWavering

Why won’t you explain why you assumed that a 19 year-old would be at University?
Oh ffs - she was just making conversation. It’s not a wild assumption is it? They can reply, “No, I work as a (insert job).”, or another response as to what they do. It’s a polite enquiry. Why are you bothered?
beginningoftheend · 27/04/2021 19:36

I think it is pretty embarrassing to be nearly twenty years out, and I wouldnever ask someone if they were x/y/z if I had no knowledge, I would ask polite open questions to find out a bit more about them.

So yes, I do think it is a bit rude of you.

I wouldn;t be offended, but I would be quite Hmm if someone made assumptions about me based on nothing.

Being thought 19 (very young adult) rather than 37 (mature adult) is not entirely a compliment IMO.

Annietheacrobat · 27/04/2021 19:37

I ask a patient's relative if they were on half term. She told me she was 34!!! She didn't cry though.

MsMeNz · 27/04/2021 19:38

Some ppl just super sensitive about certain things and there is just a reason we don't know, but I know many would take that as a compliment. I was interviewing a.middle aged guy the other week who seemed, reading between the lines a little chippy about the possibility of reporting to me, it wasn't until I revealed I had kids in high school he was a little shocked and I relevealed my age as around 40 he assumed I was in early twenties. After that he really picked up in his report, I tried he assumed I didn't have a couple of decades experience like him etc. I was totally flattered in my head. As tbh in person I don't look younger than I am must have just had a good zoom face on that day 😂