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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming with my mum?

266 replies

Lionsdinner · 25/04/2021 23:03

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

  1. for not telling me at all beforehand
  2. for inviting my brother without telling me
  3. for inviting his girlfriend
  4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic
OP posts:
MimiDaisy11 · 28/04/2021 15:21

@Lionsdinner Any updates? Hope things are ok.

MotherofTerriers · 28/04/2021 16:28

I'm sorry OP, you must be very upset. At least your father's behavior makes it very clear but - there is no way he can stay in your home after being so abusive. Its a shame for your mum but she has enabled him and hasn't protected you - she made her choice.
Maybe when they have gone, sit and write them a letter. Set it all out, how they don't celebrate or appreciate your achievements, how they stayed with you for 6 months with their dog but won't have your dog at theirs, how your partner had to stay in a B&B because they wouldn't let him stay with them. All of it. Then you can chose the send the letter or not.
It might be easier to write it down than to say it when you are upset and your dad is shouting

Original poster
Lionsdinner · 28/04/2021 16:54

I returned home and they were both out. When I got home I spoke to my mum normally, I think she was apologetic about upsetting me. She said they’re moving out Friday.
Dad just spoke to me as normal and I don’t want the battle right now, so I am just staying out of his way until Friday and then it’s all over!

OP posts:
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 28/04/2021 17:37

Well done OP, keep your head down, keep out of their way - if your Mum does say anything, be ready - say you are sorry there has been upset, you feel sad your Dad has spoken to you like that but you have had enough, and will not be told you are fat, and spoken to like that in your own home, you feel sad it has ended like this, but it is very clear now that everyone needs their space - do not back track!

Have phrases ready - "DP feels strongly that we need time alone together, and I agree" "No, the arrangement needs to come to an end, before more upset happens - the time has come" "I mean it - as far as I am concerned the decision to move on Friday is a good one, and one that DP and I agree with" "We have hosted you in our house for much longer than was originally agreed, and have been happy to do so. Now we need our house to ourselves, and that's that" "I think we need to stick to that decision, end this conversation and move on".

Honestly - Be ready! And be prepared for them to set your brother on you, too. The line to him: "actually this is between me, DP, and our parents, so not a conversation we need to have"

BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 18:08

Fridays good 🌸

Butwasitherdriveway · 28/04/2021 18:15

@Lionsdinner

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

  1. for not telling me at all beforehand
  2. for inviting my brother without telling me
  3. for inviting his girlfriend
  4. for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic
YANBU on all levels and what happened but I don't understand your anger towards the girl or the relevance of her age and his exes?
SinisterBumFacedCat · 28/04/2021 18:28

Hope it goes ok, Op fingers crossed for Friday. I had a similar situation with my DM moving in with us while her house was renovated last year, she barely contributed, was rude and manipulative and kept deliberately changing her mind about where she wanted to be, one minute waning to move back up north, the next demanding to go to her house even though it was bare floorboards and boxes of stuff everywhere. Meanwhile, we managed the renovation, booked the decorators, dragged her out to pick carpets and furnishings, completely refitted the kitchen ourselves. Meanwhile she rolled her eyes and complained about everything. By the time she finally moved out I was on the edge with my own mental health and my normally placid DS had shouted at her to leave the house during her rants. DH doesn’t even talk to her anymore, we lost hundreds of money, caused us untold stress and opened my eyes to her personality.

BlowDryRat · 28/04/2021 20:19

Roll on Friday. Get them out and then think about what you want to do with the relationship going forward. Your dad is a nasty piece of work and I'm sorry, I know that must hurt.

It's never a good idea to have long-term house guests. I had one for an initial 2 weeks, which turned into 4, which turned into 8. She was lovely but my goodness, I just wanted her gone.

Justilou1 · 29/04/2021 01:52

@Lionsdinner you haven’t answered if you have actually seen the house that your parents are building. Do you know that it’s real?

SunIsComing · 29/04/2021 07:29

Both your parents are cf and treating you like shit. Don’t feel bad.

CervixHaver · 29/04/2021 15:22

@Lionsdinner How are things OP? Thanks

HeronLanyon · 29/04/2021 16:02

I’ve thought of you too today op. Hope the plan is swinging into effect ?

Tooshytoshine · 29/04/2021 16:33

Tomorrow - it's only a day away...

My heart broke as I read your story. They have been so disrespectful to you and your partner. Your father sounds like a complete prick, and your mum seems ground down, appeasing with her need to cook and clean but essentially enables his behaviour.

Six months is a long home invasion. Don't see them for a bit then recalibrate the relationship.

As for your brother, it's never a compliment when people have low expectations of you or your choice of partners. They are measuring you in a completely different scale - you have achieved so much, be proud of yourself.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/04/2021 16:45

I hope that they are packing up today. No time like the present and all that. They can leave between 8am and 9am tomorrow.
That will give you sufficient time to clean the place after them and relax tomorrow evening!

custardbear · 30/04/2021 05:57

Good luck today @Lionsdinner - hopefully they go first thing

CaveMum · 30/04/2021 11:38

Wishing you a smooth “parental moving out day” here too.

BlueVelvetStars · 30/04/2021 14:01

Happy Friday OP 🎉

Original poster
Lionsdinner · 30/04/2021 14:26

@Justilou1 house is my family home we grew up in. They just did major structural work. I know it’s standing, not sure about inhabitable...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lionsdinner · 30/04/2021 14:27

Everyone is very sweet!

However no packing or moving has taken place. My dad has gone to the house and my mum is doing some work. I will ask them when they’re home.

I did say that they can have Saturday as DP and I are out and I don’t want to have to arrange dog care. If not gone by Sunday, I will lose it.

OP posts:
Icancelledthecheque · 30/04/2021 14:33

Your dad sounds like an absolute twat tbh. It sounds like he was almost physically violent!

Fingers crossed they sod off tomorrow, you’ve been more than patient!

ItsCokeFFS · 30/04/2021 15:38

so I am just staying out of his way until Friday and then it’s all over!

Except it isn't is it?
It's Friday now and they are showing no signs of leaving.

You are going to let them have tomorrow, then you mention Sunday...

There will be another reason for them to delay on Sunday.

This is going to go on and on.

Your partner has the patience of a saint. Is he expecting to come home this evening and find them gone? Have you told him that they haven't actually left?

HeronLanyon · 30/04/2021 16:09

Oh No this doesn’t sound good. When did Friday agreement turn into Sunday ?! Your poor dh and poor you too. Sort it out ! Be firm.

Muchmorethan · 30/04/2021 16:18

They had no intention of leaving today and were just fobbing you off knowing that once you'd calmed down you wouldn't make them leave.

They see you as a child and your home is their's to do as they want and to have round who they want.

Immunetypegoblin · 30/04/2021 16:25

They are massively taking the piss here OP. You will need to insist and stand firm in order to get them out I'm afraid.

Bargebill19 · 30/04/2021 16:39

Wow Op. if I were in your position I would be seriously thinking about packing up all their stuff and dumpling outside your front door and changing the locks.
It is YOUR house and your rules. I would also be going no contact. They are rude, disrespectful and absolute cfs.