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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fuming with my mum?

266 replies

Lionsdinner · 25/04/2021 23:03

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

for not telling me at all beforehand
for inviting my brother without telling me
for inviting his girlfriend
for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 27/04/2021 12:56

Tell your dad to get the fuck out of your house today and maybe let your mum stay another few days to give her space from the abusive bastard. She can then decide if she wants to continue a relationship with her abusive husband or not. If she chooses to go back to him then she'll have to be aware that he cannot be a part of your life again and any relationship you maintain with your mother will not happen at their house.

CaveMum · 27/04/2021 13:12

You poor thing. You need to tell them to go now and I’d be tempted to call the police if they refuse - your dad was threatening you, you need to stand up now and show that you will not accept such treatment.

Did your DP witness the attack?

BlueVelvetStars · 27/04/2021 13:19

Your Dad is very abusive.

DishingOutDone · 27/04/2021 14:14

Where is your DP today? Can you both tell them to pack up and leave either before dinner or first thing tomorrow? This has gone too far.

Original poster

Lionsdinner · 27/04/2021 14:37

@DishingOutDone

Where is your DP today? Can you both tell them to pack up and leave either before dinner or first thing tomorrow? This has gone too far.

DP is at work (teacher), he will be home around 830pm (after school commitments). I am WFH. Parents are both now out of the house.

I spoke to DP on the phone and then he text me saying 'get them the fuck out of my house' so he isn't happy either but he is worse at confrontation than me.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 27/04/2021 14:37

You are totally in the fog of a horrifically abusive father.

He does NOT get to tell you who has a right to your home.

OP,
Get him out of your home and out of yout life.

Your mother will have to make her own decisions.

For goodness sake don't inflict this awful man on any children you may have.

DishingOutDone · 27/04/2021 14:42

Ask them to pack and leave before DP gets back? You’re literally being controlled in your own home! I feel awful for you but I think everyone on the thread is frustrated by the fear of confrontation thing. Next thing you know they be telling you to move out and you’ll go! Make this break now.

MimiDaisy11 · 27/04/2021 14:44

Your father sounds awful. And after all you've done for them. I hope you get your house back soon. It's good you tried to stand up for yourself.

CaveMum · 27/04/2021 14:45

You ned to present a united front. When your DP gets home the two of you together need to tell your parents that they need to leave first thing tomorrow, and take their dog with them. You can agree to keep their belongings at your home if you wish, until they are able to either move it back into their house or move it into storage, but you must set a time limit on how long you will do this for - 14 days is perfectly reasonable.

You need to be prepared to call the Police if your dad becomes abusive towards you again. You do not deserve to be treated like this and you need to start telling yourself that.

HeronLanyon · 27/04/2021 15:00

Moving out date needed. If not back to theirs they may need to rent somewhere for a short time. Awful!

HeronLanyon · 27/04/2021 15:01

Sorry crossed with latest. Bloody hell op so
Sorry you’re going through this. Good advice above. It is your house. They need to leave. Or be made to leave.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 27/04/2021 15:47

I think they do now need to leave and stay in a hotel until something better can be arranged. You could even pack a few overnight things while they are out of the house. I don't think I would want your df back in the house after that scene and would only allow dm to return to collect their belongings. You could offer to store things until they can move home but I would not want them staying any longer.

saraclara · 27/04/2021 15:56

Oh that's dreadful. After spending all those months with you, he blames YOU for any fallout?

...threatening that “he warned her what would happen" ...and yet he still took advantage of your hospitality.

I know your mum's not been great, but I hope you're able to give her a hug and reassure her that you don't associate her with his outburst.

Askingforfriend · 27/04/2021 16:24

Yeah no, no two weeks anymore, now he needs to leave today.

Your mother is an adult and is choosing to be with this man.

That was abusive. And of course he lied about DP. He is going to throw any hurtful thing he can think of at you because he was attacking you.

And this is why you don't say reasons why you want something. Reasons give a person a chance to argue.

Askingforfriend · 27/04/2021 16:25

and yes, call the police if he starts off again or refuses to leave. He is not the boss of the house.

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 27/04/2021 17:12

Your parents are both abusive towards you.
They have you trained to be in F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt) in order to control your responses - and you're allowing it.

They don't want you to be an an independent adult...they've wormed their way in to your relationship/living arrangements with your partner AND are taking over the 'arrangements' of dynamics within your own home ....they're infantilisng you further and not allowing you the chance to use this 'new beginning' to find your own feet and be independent of them.

They move into your house, take over, invite strangers without your permission and are generally undermining you in everything in your own home.
And now your dad has been aggressive towards you and threatening.....your mum is not inncoent in this 'game' of theirs....

i think you'd be better off telling them to move out asap into a hotel/bnb....do NOT feel guilty.

1FootInTheRave · 27/04/2021 17:19

You need to deal with this and get them out.

If it were your partner posting he'd be told it was a partner issue rather than an il one.

This has potential to ruin your relationship with your partner.

Amammi · 27/04/2021 17:46

Op I am so sorry to hear this - it’s really awful and stressful for you.

I don’t know if the time that your DP is due home today is his normal routine. If it’s a bit later than usual please head out for a walk or drive and don’t put yourself in the position of meeting your parents alone.

Your parents are stressed themselves no doubt as it’s no fun doing building work and being out of your home for weeks on end.
Not that this excuses their behavior in any way but it’s just some perspective for you.

If you can hold it in for one more time, this evening just take the higher ground and let them know the basic message ie they need to leave. Don’t get into anything further today if you can at all when everyone is angry and annoyed.

Re your DB it may be a case of them wanting literally anyone to take him off their hands so every new GF they meet is treated with joy until she legs it😂
I’d not be making comparisons as you are obviously far more secure and well adjusted and they know that.

I know I used to wonder why my mum gave my sister a regular top up while I scrimped and saved. It was very hard and made me feel like I was not worth as much to her. She told me before she died that as a parent you always give the most to your weakest chick and she knew I would be fine while my sister was having a massive struggle. I accepted it and have let it go.

FrankieDoyle · 27/04/2021 18:01

OP that is horrific behaviour from your father. I'm so sorry that he's been so abusive towards you and your mum.

I would never tolerate anyone behaving like that towards me or my husband.

Change the locks. I mean that.

BlowDryRat · 27/04/2021 18:28

You need to tell them to leave today. As in, they need to be gone by the time your DP gets home from work.

Your father is an abusive man. Your mother is enabling him.

CaveMum · 28/04/2021 06:57

Hope the conversation went ok last night @Lionsdinner

Cherrysoup · 28/04/2021 07:18

They need to go, regardless of if the house is ready. They can find an Airbnb. They are taking the piss in a big way.

Lollypop4 · 28/04/2021 07:26

I voted YABU because you need
To be blunt and stand up for yourself- Get a back bone and tell them straight that you and DP need them move back home. Or they move in with DB.
Also add that you are not happy they've invited DB round at all and its not to happen again.

YANBU for feeling the way you do though.

maddening · 28/04/2021 07:38

Find a holiday let o short term rental, tell them you just need to get your own house sorted as you want to enjoy the run up to the wedding so here are some options that they can rent while finishing off the house.

I would work on getting them out first so then you have space to unpick the rest of their shit:
They need to stop commenting on your body
They need to acknowledge your achievements
They can have your dog over at theirs (after this I don't see how they can refuse)

But I think dealing with this stuff needs to be seperate and come after they are out and are long standing behaviours that even if they can resolve will take longer to do so.

Justilou1 · 28/04/2021 14:41

Do you even know for sure that there even IS a house? Have you seen it in real life?

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