Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

to be fuming with my mum?

266 replies

Lionsdinner · 25/04/2021 23:03

My parents decided to get their house redone (major structural work) making it unliveable in October. My mum mentioned that she may struggle with the disruption and so I said she could stay with us for a bit. A few days before work began they announced they’d both be coming and brought a lot of their stuff with them. They have been here since despite promising it would be a maximum of 4 months. They do not contribute towards bills but buy their own food a lot of which feeds me. DP buys his own food (has a specific diet).

Now, ignoring the general disruption to my life and that they have lived with me in our new house longer than DP and I have lived here by ourselves, and we are due to get married in a few months, I feel very disrespected.

On one side I have DP, irritated that they’re still here and have not told us anything and evade all questions, he’s angry at their stuff being here and the general lack of tidiness. On the other I have my parents who I feel a duty of care towards. Growing up, until I moved out after uni, my parents were very strict, it has led to a huge number of mental health issues, always feeling inadequate, and issues around my weight (my dad will still call me fat - I’m a “curvy” size 8 - I’m short)

Now the main issue: DP and I went out shopping today and were out for the whole day. I get back at dinner time to find out my brother and his new girlfriend are round and my mum is doing a big meal. Whilst there was plenty for us to also eat, I was furious.

I wanted to come home and watch a film in bed (not the living room as that’s where my parents are all day and we are relegated to the upstairs like children). But instead I had a stranger in my house and a dinner to sit at.

There was definitely an element of anger towards it being this new girl. DB and I have a 10 year age gap (I’m 26) - he’s not ever had a real job and is a bit useless so always dates girls younger who will put up with him. This girl is 22. It’s the third girl that has been round my house as his new girlfriend in 8 months. He’s had very serious relationships whom I got close to growing up, only for them to end (because of his behaviour) and I’m quite sick of it all. I’m happy to meet them on my terms but I do not want to feel like a guest in my own house.

So am I right to be furious with my mum:

for not telling me at all beforehand
for inviting my brother without telling me
for inviting his girlfriend
for arranging all this behind my back. It was just luck we got home at the time of the dinner, we almost stayed out later / could have been stuck in traffic

OP posts:

ShurImGrand123 · 26/04/2021 14:31

OP, you’ve been given lots of great advice but you’re choosing to make excuses for your own behaviour now.

You’re clearly jealous when your parents say positive things to your brother’s girlfriends because you want them to acknowledge your achievements and you feel they haven’t. I don’t know how old you are but you need to finally grow up and accept who you parents are and stop playing the child role in this relationship.

So what if they never say ‘we’re so proud of you, we think you’re amazing etc...’?

As a grown woman you don’t need anyone’s approval, inc. your partner. Choose your own path and just get on with it.

Popcornbetty · 26/04/2021 14:33

Op i would absolutely hate that! Me and dh our in our thirties now with 2 dc and don't get alot of time to ourselves let alone as a couple. The one thing we were just saying the other day was at least we had the time together just the 2 of us before the dc came along and in our old house. You really can't get those young carefree years back, please be firmer with your parents. This is an invasion of your life and they need to make arrangements to leave.

Mittens030869 · 26/04/2021 14:38

But I think the truth might be that she never had that approval from her parents when she was growing up. The OP has said that her dad was verbally abusive and that continues, with him calling her fat. Her mum, for all her supposed closeness, never stepped in to challenge her husband.

It’s important to just step into an adult role Witt one’s parents, just because a poster on Mumsnet says ‘Grow up’. It doesn’t work like that.

And it isn’t just about being the child looking for approval either. The OP speaks about having a ‘duty of care’ for her parents, who are perfectly capable of looking after themselves.

I think you would benefit from therapy, OP, and I also recommend the Stately Homes thread, where you’ll find support from people who understand about toxic family relationships.

MimiDaisy11 · 26/04/2021 14:38

I feel for you OP. It does sound like it's close to finishing but I guess you never know and time will be dragging even if it's just a few more weeks. It's so inconsiderate that they're only able to see things from their POV when you ask about when they can move out. I think most people who overstayed their welcome would want to keep their host updated and be apologetic.

Does your dad still make horrible comments when staying at your house? I think that would push me over the edge and tell them to get out.

Also on issues like overfeeding your dog I really think you should put your foot down - though I'm a bit of a pushover myself so I know it's difficult especially when it comes to your parents. If you had to put your dog in kennels say they should maybe do that with their dog if they are going to cause your dog health problems.

Mittens030869 · 26/04/2021 14:40

I mean, ‘It’s impossible to just step into an adult relationship with one’s parents’. I don’t understand predictive text!

Carryonlikeaporkchop · 26/04/2021 14:44

and they are moving out in the next few days

Are they?
Did I miss a bit?

stackemhigh · 26/04/2021 14:45

Op you’ve generally a good relationship and they are moving out in the next few days.

They were supposed to be out by Feb, do you really think they will leave this week of their own accord?

They need to be given a deadline. As their getting their windows done this week, it should be something like 30 April or by bank holiday Monday (3 May).

stackemhigh · 26/04/2021 14:45

*they're

ZoeMaye · 26/04/2021 14:52

What you're parents are doing is called Fear Obligation Guilt

When you ask them when they are leaving, you stop being afraid and stand up to them. Fear isn't working so they switch to Obligation, they point out they are your parents and you have a duty of care to them. You feel like you should do what they want. If that doesn't work they pull out the Guilt card, they will be so unhappy going home/where will they stay? It will be noisy. Why are you punishing them? They might try switching back to fear or obligation, it's not always in order, but basically they are trying to just make you feel so conflicted you give in and don't uphold your boundary. The last thing they want is you to have brilliant boundaries, because boundaries serve you not them, and they believe you are there to facilitate their needs. Your Mum is happy with your relationship so long as you do not try and change it, your dad is happy so long as you do what he wants and don't rock the boat. They are happy so long as you do what they want. But you are left feeling anxiety, shame, unhappiness. Their approval only fills the void they have left in you temporarily, because they are scooping Out more than they are putting back in.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/04/2021 15:03

YANBU, but I do think that coming home to a big dinner going on was a final straw. By itself, it’s not enough to be fuming over. But what it represents, is good reason to be fuming because the situation of going into your home to find it completely taken over by your parents and them acting like it is their home and you the guest is horrible! And the other straws are there too...the staying for months, not committing to a move out date, leaving their stuff everywhere, taking over the downstairs so you’re trapped in your bedroom....

So just he clear with them that it’s the entire situation that has you fuming. Don’t let them think it will all be ok if they just don’t invite people and have a big dinner without telling you. They need to move back to their home right away. Builders are very good about working around occupants if needed.

billy1966 · 26/04/2021 15:08

OP,

You sound like a great girl that comes from an awful family.

Your poor partner.
If I was his parents I would be advising he get away from ye all and not marry I'm afraid.
Your father abused you and your mother stood by.

Your father clearly still intimidates you and it is dreadful the way they have moved into your house, and you and your poor partner have no control over your own home.

Your parents have zero manners, curtesy or respect for you, your partner, or your home.

For you both to come home to them entertaining in your home, is actually funny it's so unbelievable.

It's sounds from your responses that you are utterly dominated and afraid of them.

I feel very sorry for you.

But more sorry for your lovely partner that is marrying into an awful family.

If I was him I would only marry you if you sell up the house and move away.

You will always be treated like a mug by them until you mature to see how toxic your family actually are.

So NO, this is not a normal situation, unless its a Jeremy Kyle type episode.

Best of luck OP, you sound like a nice girl, but utterly under your parents thumb.

PanamaPattie · 26/04/2021 15:33

OP. I wish you good luck as you don’t seem to have the courage to deal with your parents. I know you won’t take the advice here.

Springsnake · 26/04/2021 15:38

I’ve only got to page 2 ,where ,op you said you had their dog living with u ,I can’t believe this is real ,as no one gets walked over this much .
If this is real ,your poor boyfriend,and grown a backbone ASAP.

Hanab · 26/04/2021 16:03

Give them a move out date .. prioritise your DP and take his feelings into consideration .. this is the man you plan on marrying. If you are not on the same page as him your marriage won’t last if you do make it to the ‘aisle’. We all would love to care for our parents but when they take liberties a line must be drawn

Askingforfriend · 26/04/2021 16:53

They could be the very best houseguests in the history of the planet and it would still be absolutely fine to say "Mum, Dad, its been seven months, we agreed four. I've had enough. We'd like you to move out by the 11th."

Askingforfriend · 26/04/2021 16:54

(and specify the date, don't ask them when, they have been crap at that. Tell them when)

MargosKaftan · 26/04/2021 17:01

Agree - this actually gives you the perfect reason to end this.

Say to your mum "look, we agreed 4 months, its been 7 already. Its not working for DP and me to have you here for this long and you don't seem to respect its my house. I'd like you to leave in two weeks."

If they argue they have nowhere to go, point out your DP had to rent an air bnb because they wouldn't let him stay in their house, do could do the same.

Lancrelady80 · 26/04/2021 22:08

Haven't read full thread, but ignoring everything else...why are your parents inviting anyone not living in your house around for dinner? Ignoring the cheek of it, what happened to the Rule of 6 and everyone only being allowed to meet outside?

CaveMum · 27/04/2021 09:41

Did you talk to your parents, or at least your DP last night @Lionsdinner?

Original poster

Lionsdinner · 27/04/2021 12:31

@billy1966 DP’s family are worse, they are NC following their awful treatment of him.

So I did talk to mum this morning. She was obviously upset however my dad came in and started shouting at me. He had his hands to my face, pointing, shouting. Saying how my brother doesn’t need permission to be in my house and that it happened accidentally. He then said how it’s idiotic. I then explained the rest of the reasons which he turned on my mum, started shouting at her, threatening that “he warned her what would happen” and would make her respond. He said she butts in and gets involved and he told her not to, including the tasks she has helped with that I am grateful she did do (he then said I never said thank you, which I did).
He then said how he never wanted to come here and will be out as soon as possible but I better never ask for anything or “I’ll see what happens”.
He also said that I did the same to them with DP and invited him to stay despite that it would be a boy in my room. This is a lie. I met DP when I was 20 at University, he drove me 300 miles to see my parents whenever I got homesick as I couldn’t afford the train, I would ask weeks in advance and got permission for him to stay one night. Think that it’s a ridiculous example.

I have been in tears since and now feel awful for my mum.

OP posts:

BakedTattie · 27/04/2021 12:42

[quote Lionsdinner]@billy1966 DP’s family are worse, they are NC following their awful treatment of him.

I have been in tears since and now feel awful for my mum.[/quote]
I’d tell them to pack up and move out today. Hotels are open now. You don’t need this

WaltzingBetty · 27/04/2021 12:50

Your dad sounds like a controlling bully and your mum is stuck in the middle

BrumBoo · 27/04/2021 12:52

@Lionsdinner, your dad is abusive. Tell him to be out by the end of the day and do not contact him again. No contact is a serious step, but absolutely needed here.

BrumBoo · 27/04/2021 12:53

And your mum is an enabler. She has never tried to save you from this, let her lie in her bed.

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 12:53

OP, tell them they have to out. Preferably today, but latest by Friday.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11