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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to collect me from hospital?

243 replies

PierrethePenis · 25/04/2021 06:05

I’m having a minor procedure tomorrow. It didn’t occur to me it would be under general anaesthetic. It is and I was told I had to have someone collect me and stay with me for 24 hours. Now because of covid rules car sharing with people outside your household isn’t allowed. Obviously you aren’t allowed anyone in your house either. It’s all a bit tricky so DH is the only one who can do it. He initially said he would collect me but would have to go in to work after. When I asked if he could stay with me he said no, he had an important meeting he had to be in the office for. We had an argument about it and now he won’t collect me either. I’m left taking a taxi both ways which isn’t recommended and staying on my own. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and my health over a business meeting, just for one day?

OP posts:
Dunkindonuts8 · 25/04/2021 09:56

Your OP indicates that you DID ask him to cancel his meeting because you asked him to stay with you, he said he couldn't because he had a meeting and you then had an argument about it. You can't expect him to cancel an important meeting for the Monday on the Wednesday - so potentially 2 business days notice.

Lockdownbear · 25/04/2021 09:58

Op you realise that even if they operate at 8am, it will be at least 12.30 before you are able to go home?

Allowing for 15mins for the Op, 15mins to come round and 4 hours for the mandatory you need to be professionally observed for 4 hours after coming round.

Even at that I'm sure they'd probably be happy for you to loiter until your DH is able to get you.

Howshouldibehave · 25/04/2021 09:59

What time is your DH’s meeting @PierrethePenis-did you write that and I missed it?

CoconutMaracas · 25/04/2021 09:59

I’ve had several generals and got a taxi back after. Once I even had to collect my ds straight after. I was fine. Of course, everyone is different but I’m sure you’ll be ok.
If this is a long line in him not supporting you that’s different, as a one off ( if meeting is really critical) I’d let it go and make your own way home

sohorriblyalone · 25/04/2021 10:06

I was also going to say could you not ask about staying in? I've been kept in after every anaesthetic/operation I've had, because I'm a full time carer to mum and don't have any one else willing or able to help . Definitely not allowed a taxi either .

It usually works in my favour, as I get decent analgesia after and help that I'd definitely not get at home ! my GP/social work usually liaise with hospital to make sure I get an overnight bed each time . It's worth asking just in case - they usually want to help .

stuckinarutatwork · 25/04/2021 10:14

I would feign severe weakness / nausea after the procedure so that they keep you in until later in the day when DH can collect.

billy1966 · 25/04/2021 10:17

OP,

You sound so worn out and beaten down.

He's a selfish arse and probably always has been.

Is he a bully too?

Let this be what finally gets you to divorce him and do NOTHING for him or his family inbetween.

Flowers
notagainmummy · 25/04/2021 10:19

FFS. What an arse.

TheCrowening · 25/04/2021 10:23

I was going to say he’s unreasonable for backtracking on collecting you but not unreasonable for not cancelling his meeting at short notice. I’m a bit surprised that so many people think you can just rearrange meetings at the drop of a hat. It mightn’t be his meeting to mess with, for one thing. I know most meetings in my job, I wouldn’t be able to shift at that sort of notice. If you’re really worried about being home alone, ask him to collect you after his meeting. You mightn’t be ready anyway (I’ve been “first on the list” before but the reality doesn’t always compute).

However after the drip feed of your later posts I think your husband sounds horrible and unlikely to be any help to you if he was there. I couldn’t be with someone who shows such disdain for my welfare.

ilikefastcars · 25/04/2021 10:30

"Just before 1st lockdown he left me collapsed on the bathroom floor and went back to bed as he didn't want to be too tired for work. He did the same thing again more recently. I've had to get so many lifts from friends for medical appointments and procedures (when covid rules allowed it). This is just the latest in a long line of issues.

I'm trying to decide if its the final nail in the coffin of our marriage."

Tbh this would have been the final nail in the coffin!
I would be looking to see if a family member could help, under the guise of being part of your support bubble. And if the headteacher does exclude your children for two weeks, make sure you leave them with the selfish wanker husband.

And see a divorce lawyer!

weewitch · 25/04/2021 10:37

To be honest Op, you sound really quite unreasonable about this issue and determined to see that he's at fault no matter what anyone says, however given the backstory, that's hardly surprising.

You don't need anyone here to agree or disagree with you - if you want to leave your husband, then you're free to do so regardless of what's happening with your operation.

I hope your operation goes well.

MyDcAreMarvel · 25/04/2021 10:47

@PierrethePenis
Tell that to our headteacher, she made a big deal of not lift sharing at parents zoomcall before school started this term.
And she was right to do so, however caring responsibilities are a valid exemption.

ihatemessyplay · 25/04/2021 10:49

Your husband is a dick op. Why people are trying to stick up for your useless, uncaring husband and pick holes in your story is beyond me.

We even had the usual brilliant advice 'you sound like hard work'. Yes wanting to be looked after by your dh after an op is incredibly hard work. In fact, even needing medical attention is hard work. Just suffer in silence and don't ever, ever inconvenience your husband for the love of god.

TaraR2020 · 25/04/2021 10:52

YANBU

In my experience, hospital won't allow you to leave via taxi even if you've only had a sedation let alone a GA. And you do need to be monitored.

Op, talk to hospital and explain you'll be on your own. If you can't speak to anyone then call your gp surgery and tell them, they'll be able to contact the right ppl for you.

Go online now and order nhs lateral flow tests, they're free and everyone I know who's got them said they arrived the next morning. Use them to prove to school your children are covid free.

Your dh sounds appalling I must say. If for some reason you end up at home alone post ga, if their someone else you could sit with you? It will be allowed under rules.

Lots of luck with the procedure Flowers

BeneathYourWisdom · 25/04/2021 10:54

You hardly gave him any notice otherwise I’d say he was unreasonable!

You should have read the letter properly and told him weeks ago to book that day off for your surgery.

Now you want him to cancel a business meeting last minute and take the day off because you didn’t read the information the doctor gave you?

I think you’ll have to make an exception re car sharing and get a friend to pick you up and stay with you. You can both wear masks and a medical procedure must surely count as a reason to merge households temporarily?

CokeDrinker · 25/04/2021 10:56

He clearly thinks so very little of you, and doesn't love you. I'd go stay in a motel or somewhere if possible tonight and leave the kids with him, give him a wake up call. He treats you like you're a bit of shit. If you allow yourself to be treated that way, even once, you've set the standard that you'll allow yourself to be treated in. You're his wife, and the mother of his DC. He needs a real shock, a real wake up call.

HoppingPavlova · 25/04/2021 10:58

That is of course assuming I'm not dead on the floor of some complication when he gets home. He may be hugely inconvenienced by that.

I’m sympathetic but there is also something odd here. If you are on at 8 with expected discharge at 12 it’s a very short procedure with the majority being observation afterwards. You seem to think there is a high risk of significant complications yet your consultant is looking at a standard discharge which seems to indicate you are not necessarily aligned. I say this as someone responsible for discharges for many years.

Yes, you think your DH could pick you up but surely he could drop you, go off for his meeting and pick you up afterward. If you believe you are likely to suffer significant complications tell them that due to this you won’t be leaving as per their plan and you’ll be staying for as long as possible. Then he could pick you up late after work. You’d be better off there than dead in the floor at home irrespective of your DH being there or not (seriously, what’s he really going to do). If I honestly believed this was a likely scenario I would not be trotting off with DH whether it be midday or 4pm.

m0therofdragons · 25/04/2021 11:03

I don't think you will really need 24 hour care assistance due to the GA they just say that why do you think they say that? Because there’s have been incidents when someone has reacted to GA so while the op is unlikely to react you can’t possibly know and she might! Is there not an option for Dh to log into the meeting from home so he can still attend? I clearly live in a bubble where most meetings are on teams. I would struggle with dh’s lack of care and prioritising work over me to be honest but my Dh just wouldn’t do this.

MoiraNotRuby · 25/04/2021 11:03

He sounds awful. Good luck for your procedure and also good luck for your divorce, you will be much better off without this dickhead!!!!

Howshouldibehave · 25/04/2021 11:04

I’m at risk for stroke, TIA or blindness

Are these the risks of the tooth extraction procedure (or whatever it is you’re having done) or risks specific to you?

I0NA · 25/04/2021 11:10

Just before 1st lockdown he left me collapsed on the bathroom floor and went back to bed as he didn't want to be too tired for work. He did the same thing again more recently. I've had to get so many lifts from friends for medical appointments and procedures (when covid rules allowed it). This is just the latest in a long line of issues

This is utterly appalling.

CoconutMaracas · 25/04/2021 11:22

@I0NA

Just before 1st lockdown he left me collapsed on the bathroom floor and went back to bed as he didn't want to be too tired for work. He did the same thing again more recently. I've had to get so many lifts from friends for medical appointments and procedures (when covid rules allowed it). This is just the latest in a long line of issues

This is utterly appalling.

Yes - this is behaviour to start a divorce
ittakes2 · 25/04/2021 11:26

I am a bit surprised you have only just found out you were having a GA. I've usually had to fill out paperwork in advance for GA and I have had a few. Did you not need to book a covid test etc before the procedure?

HoppingPavlova · 25/04/2021 11:29

Just before 1st lockdown he left me collapsed on the bathroom floor and went back to bed as he didn't want to be too tired for work. He did the same thing again more recently.

This is cause for divorce really. If I collapsed at home I’d expect my DH to arrange medical attention. If my DC were home I’d expect them to arrange medical attention. Conversely, if my DH or kids collapsed at home I’d ensure they were taken to the correct place for medical attention by whatever means necessary.

Having said that, I’ve had a few times DH was woken me to tell me how urgently ill he is. After checking him out (reflux), I’ve turned over and gone back to sleep while he’s still convinced he is dying (nowhere near it and no need to seek any immediate attention, just get reflux under control as a general issue). If he spun to people I’d left him dying in bed while I went back to sleep I’d be seriously displeased.

Howshouldibehave · 25/04/2021 11:33

Having said that, I’ve had a few times DH was woken me to tell me how urgently ill he is. After checking him out (reflux), I’ve turned over and gone back to sleep while he’s still convinced he is dying (nowhere near it and no need to seek any immediate attention, just get reflux under control as a general issue). If he spun to people I’d left him dying in bed while I went back to sleep I’d be seriously displeased.

This! I had an ex who laid out on the bathroom floor one night claiming he was dying. He had a bit of an upset stomach and refused to get up and come back to bed. I went back to bed-he was a melodramatic twat.

Why were you collapsed on the floor-what happened? Were you unconscious? Could you not get back to bed? Have you seen the doctor?