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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to collect me from hospital?

243 replies

PierrethePenis · 25/04/2021 06:05

I’m having a minor procedure tomorrow. It didn’t occur to me it would be under general anaesthetic. It is and I was told I had to have someone collect me and stay with me for 24 hours. Now because of covid rules car sharing with people outside your household isn’t allowed. Obviously you aren’t allowed anyone in your house either. It’s all a bit tricky so DH is the only one who can do it. He initially said he would collect me but would have to go in to work after. When I asked if he could stay with me he said no, he had an important meeting he had to be in the office for. We had an argument about it and now he won’t collect me either. I’m left taking a taxi both ways which isn’t recommended and staying on my own. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and my health over a business meeting, just for one day?

OP posts:
MaryMow22 · 25/04/2021 08:57

YABU for not giving him enough notice to arrange his schedule so he could drive you.

CovidSmart · 25/04/2021 08:58

@CooperLooper

He's BU for now saying he won't collect you, but surely he's not BU for not being able to cancel an important meeting at work with only a days notice if you've only just realised you're having GA? Come on....
Personally i think. That anyone who thinks it’s ok to go over a doctor’s advice for a meeting is a dick.

Life happens . I wouldn’t call a procedure under GA minor, not the least because of the GA. His DW needs support for health reason. He should take a day off. There is a. Reason why people Are told to be with someone for. 24 hours after all..

Original poster
PierrethePenis · 25/04/2021 08:58

@MiaowMiaow99

You do seem like hard work. You seem to be perversely sticking to rules or accepting odd school rules in order to get precisely what you want. Some compromise is in order as you have allowed it to become a very last minute request, and are refusing to be flexible to make tomorrow work for you both. DH could have picked up and dropped off, it's unlikely you'll be discharged before 4pm after a GA, so he could do a days work and still picked you up and been home for at least 12 hours together overnight and then you could decide what Tuesday would look like in terms of cover. I'd refuse to cancel a meeting to when there are clear alternatives in place, which you seem to be making up covid rules to avoid (school exclusion).
Aren't you a lovely supportive person. I'm first on the list at 8am and will be discharged at lunchtime. I've not asked him to take me in the morning as I know the logistics of that are complicated. I'm not making up covid rules. Parents have been phoned and told if they are caught breaking the rules again their kids will be suspended. The head teacher re-iterated this on the zoom call before this term started. Not following covid rules is endangering staff and pupils. I'll see if it's in a letter too and post it if it is.

Tomorrow is arranged so that the only inconvenience to my husband is that he'll have to take the kids to school. I'll sort myself out, I have the kids in after school club and a friend will walk them home. He can do what he likes. That is of course assuming I'm not dead on the floor of some complication when he gets home. He may be hugely inconvenienced by that. He'll need to find a new maid, nanny and taxi driver.

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 25/04/2021 08:58

I find it hard to believe in these days of zoom the meeting is so important his work wouldn’t understand if he asked to dial in on zoom rather than go in person as his wife had just had surgery that day.

However if it really is so so important (and both DH and I have very high flying careers so I recognise some things are important, especially if you work at a small company) you can break the rules on households as it’s for a medical reason and have someone else pick you up/stay with you.

PricklesAndSpikes · 25/04/2021 08:59

Just before 1st lockdown he left me collapsed on the bathroom floor and went back to bed as he didn't want to be too tired for work.

He left you collapsed on the floor and went back to bed?! He didn't even call an ambulance or help you up?! How did you get to hospital? Did you manage to call for an ambulance yourself? Did your children see you just left on the floor? Why are you still with someone who leaves you incapacitated on the floor of the bathroom?

LIZS · 25/04/2021 08:59

Yanbu to ask and hope he would but can understand if meeting cannot be rescheduled or done virtually at a few days' notice. Dm has been given lifts to and fro to appointments multiple times this past year. Sit in back on passenger side wearing mask and with windows open.

Original poster
PierrethePenis · 25/04/2021 09:00

@CovidSmart thank you, there is a reason they invented compassionate leave too.

OP posts:
Nith · 25/04/2021 09:00

You refer to an appointment letter for tomorrow. It must surely be a standard letter telling you when to come in, what to bring, and about the GA precautions, so I really don't understand how you have only just found out that it's a GA.

porridgecake · 25/04/2021 09:00

You have two issues here.
The past behaviour of your H, which I agree is selfish and unreasonable.
The current situation in which his behaviour is also selfish and unreasonable, but you are adding in extra things about school and covid rules that are incorrect. Hence the variety of responses.

RosesAndHellebores · 25/04/2021 09:00

I think you are both being unreasonable.

You for not finding out the possible details in advance and for being disproportionate about side issues. And I'm afraid if that's a regular occurrence if I were your DH I'd be annoyed.

Your DH for giving backword on at least collecting you.

I have meetings that I couldn't pull out of at short notice without causing major upheaval to everyone else. DH does a job where some things that are scheduled simply can't be unscheduled except in a life or death emergency.

What I'd have done op, had a GA been sprung on me at the last minute, would have been to have a discussion with the consultant about alternatives and be clear that I might not be able to arrange the pick-up and 24 hour accompaniment at short notice and if that were the case I'd have to rearrange the op.

I had a procedure under sedation a couple of years ago and I booked it after liaising with DH. The hospital were very clear that I couldn't go home in a taxi and had to have someone with me for 24 hours. My blood pressure was very low afterwards and they were worried enough to keep me in recovery for much longer than expected.

I called DH when I'd had a cup of tea and he came to get me. He went to work the following morning so didn't stay with me for the full 24 hours. TBF I expected to be as right as ninepence the following day and had expected to wfh but I was actually very very tired.

Wishitsnows · 25/04/2021 09:00

Is your Dh quite junior at work so he doesn't feel like he can request last minute changes or dial in? Wow just read your update, he's an asshole who doesn't give a shit about you. You deserve better. You should make plans to leave him.

Pinkflipflop85 · 25/04/2021 09:00

If this is real then the HT is talking absolute bullshit.

CovidSmart · 25/04/2021 09:01

I’m wondering now.... if your DH needed urgent surgery with no notice at all, would you tell him to get stuffed because you ‘have a meeting’?

Poor communication is one thing. Putting your. job above someone health is another

Boscoforever · 25/04/2021 09:01

Hi OP, I am a nurse and work under the theatre directorate. Patients can have sedation if they want. If they do, they must have an adult to take them home and to stay for 24hrs. If they don't have this they cannot have sedation. It's the same for GA. And going home in a taxi does not count. We are very strict about it.
I hope you get sorted, DH doesn't sound very nice.

Viviennemary · 25/04/2021 09:03

AFAIKyou are allowed to have lifts for essential things such as visits to hospital even if that person is not in your household or bubble.

Nith · 25/04/2021 09:03

Parents have been phoned and told if they are caught breaking the rules again their kids will be suspended. The head teacher re-iterated this on the zoom call before this term started

I suspect the head knows full well that if she suspended pupils for this reason she would be in big, big trouble. But it might not hurt to refer her to the guidance on exclusions and on the reopening of schools which spells out that this is simply not allowed.

Original poster
PierrethePenis · 25/04/2021 09:04

@Nith

You refer to an appointment letter for tomorrow. It must surely be a standard letter telling you when to come in, what to bring, and about the GA precautions, so I really don't understand how you have only just found out that it's a GA.
I know no-one seems to believe me, but I first saw the consultant on Monday, his secretary phoned me Tuesday with the appointment for the covid test on Friday and procedure tomorrow. The nurse phoned on Wednesday to check details including who was picking me up and staying with me. That is the point I found out it was under GA. The information pack arrived later that day. My husband agreed to collect me before I confirmed the appointment.
OP posts:
porridgecake · 25/04/2021 09:06

Throughout the last year It has been permissible to attend medical appointments by public transport and taxi. It is also allowed for a person to assist with care for medical reasons, following reasonable precautions such as hand washing, masks, doors/ windows open etc.
Is the HT excluding any child who has a hospital appointment? Or whose family member has a hospital appointmet, or travels on a bus?

Howshouldibehave · 25/04/2021 09:07

Why did you only just realise you were having a GA? When did you get the letter telling you?

If I had an important meeting tomorrow and DH only just told me I had to pick him up from hospital and stay at home with him for 24 hours, I’d be really pissed off! I would feel really unprofessional messing people at work around at the last minute for what was a planned operation.

What time is his meeting?

Original poster
PierrethePenis · 25/04/2021 09:08

@CovidSmart

I’m wondering now.... if your DH needed urgent surgery with no notice at all, would you tell him to get stuffed because you ‘have a meeting’?

Poor communication is one thing. Putting your. job above someone health is another

No, I've dropped everything to look after him when he's had surgery or medical issues. Then I'm always happy to help anyone in anyway I can. My husband is of the attitude never offer help nor ask for it. Unless it's for his parents of course.
OP posts:
saraclara · 25/04/2021 09:08

Someone else taking you too and from hospital,, or sitting with you at home, is not breaking covid rules. The provision of care element makes it fine. So the head teacher cannot penalise you for it. I volunteer with a good neighbours scheme and most of our tasks are about taking people to hospital appointments, and have been throughout covid.

We can't know whether your DH is being unreasonable without knowing the details of his work and the meeting. I have friends who have meetings that just aren't able to be cancelled, and other friends who think they're indispensable when they're not.

bathorshower · 25/04/2021 09:08

My apologies if someone else has already said this, but our local hospital requires a responsible adult to collect you after either a GA or sedation, and a taxi driver doesn't count. A member of staff hands you over; you can't just leave. This includes during Covid. You may want to check with your hospital if they'll even allow you to leave in a taxi.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 25/04/2021 09:09

You need a new thread in relationships with everything. Focusing on one issue in this thread isn't helpful.

4PawsGood · 25/04/2021 09:12

I’m at risk for stroke, TIA or blindness.

You should have included this in your OP.

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