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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to collect me from hospital?

243 replies

PierrethePenis · 25/04/2021 06:05

I’m having a minor procedure tomorrow. It didn’t occur to me it would be under general anaesthetic. It is and I was told I had to have someone collect me and stay with me for 24 hours. Now because of covid rules car sharing with people outside your household isn’t allowed. Obviously you aren’t allowed anyone in your house either. It’s all a bit tricky so DH is the only one who can do it. He initially said he would collect me but would have to go in to work after. When I asked if he could stay with me he said no, he had an important meeting he had to be in the office for. We had an argument about it and now he won’t collect me either. I’m left taking a taxi both ways which isn’t recommended and staying on my own. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and my health over a business meeting, just for one day?

OP posts:
Original poster
PierrethePenis · 25/04/2021 08:12

@4PawsGood, the meeting is in the office but that doesn’t mean he can’t dial in. I’m at risk for stroke, TIA or blindness. If they happen I may not be able to phone anyone. I stand a better chance of attracting his attention if he is at home. He’ll just ignore ignore his phone at work.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/04/2021 08:14

He sounds a bit useless all round. Stay at hospital.

porridgecake · 25/04/2021 08:14

Did you say he is at home and the meeting is online?
If that is the case that makes everything much easier. Taxi is fine.
However, his attitude is unpleasant and something you will want to consider when this procedure is over, especially if he always puts you at the bottom of his list of priorities. Refusing to help just because you argued is childish and selfish.

wonderstuff · 25/04/2021 08:16

Of course he is bu, can't believe people saying he isn't. My dh would clear his diary or wfh. What work meeting can be more important than your health?

Rainallnight · 25/04/2021 08:17

YABU. I can absolutely understand you feeling bad about not having anyone to collect you, but some meetings just can’t be moved at short notice.

DP and I both do/did the sort of jobs where we might be chairing massive meetings that have taken months to organise or else meeting important people (in our fields. Not celebs or anything!). It just would not be possible to duck out at 24 hours notice.

I’m really surprised at all the posters being so dramatic about the OP’s DP

Splicedbananas · 25/04/2021 08:18

I really don't like the fact that when you disagree with him he punishes you: in this case by not taking you home after the procedure. It's a really bad sign in a relationship.

I also don't like the lack of reciprocity you describe. The way you're expected to drop everything for him and he won't put himself out slightly for you. You know his job, is it really that important/cut throat that his missing one meeting at short notice would be really negative?

Lack of caring kills feelings long term. It's just death by a thousand cuts. If it's just that and he's loving in other ways, then ignore this but if not you may want to have a serious chat with him.

ImInStealthMode · 25/04/2021 08:18

I would check that they'll even let you go if you're getting a taxi. I had mild sedation for a procedure at the dentist few weeks ago (not even GA) and they wouldn't let me leave alone,

DP who'd been waiting outside in the car had to present himself in reception so they could see I had someone escorting me home.

Lockdownbear · 25/04/2021 08:21

@ivfbeenbusy

Well if you've only just told him it's not exactly reasonable to expect him to drop Everything? I've driven after general anaesthetic- twice - and been fine.
Your not supposed to drive for 48hours after a GA. You could still be drowsy. Major surgery it's 6 weeks before should drive.

It's being able to be full alert and strong enough to do and emergency stop that's the issue.

Your insurers could refuse to pay out. And I'd think it's probably a criminal offence too, careless driving or something.

Equimum · 25/04/2021 08:21

I would certainly expect your husband to do this for you. I recently had similar and DH did all of that. I was told, however, that as it was medically necessary, I could have someone else as it would count as caring responsibility. Do you have a friend or relative who might help? Not ideal, but it might at least solve the immediate issue.
Good luck with the procedure.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/04/2021 08:22

He’s your partner. He should move his Big Important Meeting unless he’s about to have a breakthrough with the cure for cancer? Somehow I doubt it’s that.

He’s being an uncaring douchebag.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 25/04/2021 08:24

As PPs have said, as a patient you are allowed to get into a car with someone not in your household. Even the Royal Voluntary Service still have volunteers doing patient transport throughout Covid, they just wear PPE.

Your H is not unreasonable to not be able to rearrange a meeting at short notice, but he's U to not even try and rearrange it, or see if he can attend virtually.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/04/2021 08:26

These are the times when we find out who people really are.

‘You need me after a medical procedure? No I have a meeting.”

Sorry OP he’s being substandard. Hope your procedure goes ok Flowers

HollowTalk · 25/04/2021 08:26

Why can't his meeting be done via zoom? How important is his job?

Branleuse · 25/04/2021 08:27

I would find someone hard to love if they couldnt even prioritise me for this

redtshirt50 · 25/04/2021 08:28

When I had GA I had no one to pick me up, but I just lied and said my friend was outside waiting and they let me go no questions asked.

I got the tube home.

You have given him very short notice and I think he was being reasonable to say he would collect you and then go to the meeting. I understand him not being able to cancel/dial into an important meeting. I have had similar meetings where even a week wouldn't have been enough notice.

But he is BU for now saying he won't pick you up at all after you argued. That's just spiteful.

If there is a friend or someone else that can stay with you, problem solved - stop worrying so much about covid.

Kokosrieksts · 25/04/2021 08:29

It’s rubbish that he’s not picking you up, but the staying after for 24h hours isn’t really necessary. You will be fine in a taxi, don’t worry about that.

silverstrawberry · 25/04/2021 08:31

No way I left a bf over something similar he had the cheek to tell me he would take me and then never turned up clearly has issues maybe a narcissist ?? You don't need an insensitive selfish pig in your life if they can't be there then ...when will they be there??

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2021 08:32

Cant he just dial into the meeting instead of being there in person? This is what my dh would do and has done for me... including a site visit, where one of his direct reports did the site bit.

Scarby9 · 25/04/2021 08:33

HIBU and should be there with you.
However, in the circumstances a friend can step in.
I did the same for a friend four weeks ago. She lives alone (no refusing partner) and I picked her up from her house and took her to hospital with us both in masks, car windows open and her sitting in the back. The same in reverse then I dropped her at another friend's house where she stayed in their conservatory (doors open) for the day then I slept at hers overnight.
Needs must and you are allowed care in the covid rules.

JungleIsMassive · 25/04/2021 08:33

I feel like you're being a bit of a drama queen.
Is DH working from home?
Just ask him nicely again to pick you up. Or ask a friend or neighbor. Don't spout drama filled nonsense about your children being excluded. Do what you have to do and get on with it.
If you act all emotional and full of anxiety it's hard for people to communicate with you. Calm down and explain to DH you need him to pick you up and then he can get in with his day.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 25/04/2021 08:34

He should drive you but you have given very short notice for him to stay at home. Some meetings need to be face to face.

However it sounds like a pattern of behaviour with his work coming first. Is it a high pay high pressure job?

Re school, the HT may have said that to discourage lift sharing. There is absolutely no chance any child will be excluded from school because of a covid breach. Even one where the police have prosecuted. The HT does not have power to do this and governors won't sign off on the exclusion.

Lovemusic33 · 25/04/2021 08:36

Pretty sure a friend or family member can collect you, if taxi drivers are allowed to work why is it any different if someone comes to collect you? I took my friend to an appointment a couple weeks ago, we were both masked in the car with windows open.

I have to have a small surgery in a few weeks and will need someone to collect me as I don’t have anyone else at home to do it. I won’t have anyone to stay with me 24 hours either other than my daughter (teenager).

Original poster
PierrethePenis · 25/04/2021 08:36

@Saltyslug

Here
The consultant decided I was having a GA.
OP posts:
MitheringSunday · 25/04/2021 08:36

@redtshirt50

When I had GA I had no one to pick me up, but I just lied and said my friend was outside waiting and they let me go no questions asked.

I got the tube home.

You have given him very short notice and I think he was being reasonable to say he would collect you and then go to the meeting. I understand him not being able to cancel/dial into an important meeting. I have had similar meetings where even a week wouldn't have been enough notice.

But he is BU for now saying he won't pick you up at all after you argued. That's just spiteful.

If there is a friend or someone else that can stay with you, problem solved - stop worrying so much about covid.

Pretty much this (apart from the tube bit - I've had several minor procedures under GA and always been collected, but we walked the couple of miles home once, and I was generally fine by the evening - the provisions are for a rare risk).

The main thing here, I think, is that it's just going to look terrible and frankly suspicious for him to say, with one day's notice, that he needs to collect his wife after a GA, precisely because that is generally the sort of thing one knows about well in advance. You really should have picked up on this important detail sooner (by asking for clarification if you believed there'd be a choice between sedation and GA).

As long as he's there overnight, I wouldn't be too literal about the 24h thing.

MsTSwift · 25/04/2021 08:37

What is the actual point of being married if they are not there for you in this sort of situation? No excuse.

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