Dp stashing money away

[Woodpigeonnotanowl]

Just wondering if I should be bothered about this, have a right to be bothered about it or am making a fuss over nothing.
Dp and I have been together a long time, both always worked full time, I’ve generally earned a small amount more for the majority of the time. Our money was always in a shared account, paid bills, shared the money, bought things if we needed them..never an issue from either of us as to what the other spent as neither made big purchases etc.
After years of infertility, ivf and stress, we finally were blessed with our Dd (almost 3) I only worked a few hours per week since she was born (when he returned from work) and for the last year haven’t worked (I will return to work next year when Dd is at school)
We still kept the same system of it being ‘Our’ money, never even discussed it..bills are paid, weekly amount for food, clothes/bits for Dd etc.
Last week I was clearing out a cupboard and found a tin with £70 hidden away. I didn’t say anything, but then saw this week that Dp had more money in his weekly wage (gets paid some wage weekly in cash and the rest monthly in the bank-we’re in another country and fairly normal here)
He had mentioned he was having a pay rise maybe a month or so ago. I decided not to say anything and we went clothes shopping for some summer bits for Dd. Oh the way there he said ‘Oh yeah, I had a small pay rise and was trying to save some money back for you to go shopping’ now, this just sounded like a lie and I think he knew I’d seen the tin. He then said he’d had the rise a few weeks ago, why didn’t he say anything 🤷🏻‍♀️
We went shopping and I didn’t mention it.
Was making dinner earlier and noticed that same tin on top of the cupboard high up (I’m a short arse so will have to get a chair to get up there and I’m guessing he thinks I won’t see it there.
Is he out of order hiding money for himself or is he entitled to because he earns it? It’s our money though still and why not just say 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don’t think there’s a sinister reason for it and is likely for something he wants to buy that probably costs a fair bit. Yes, he earns the money but I take care of every other thing to do with Dd, the house, bills, cooking etc.
I don’t know, it’s just made me feel strange and a bit out of control and to want my own money again.

Sorry it’s long!

You need to have a proper talk with him. If you’re not married and now not earning you’re in a vulnerable position and need complete transparency about finances.

I’d have no issue with this other than it being safer in a bank. His earnings, his to save as he chooses. It’s worrying he needs to hide it though. He shouldn’t have to justify where his money goes.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss But is it ‘His’ money, isn’t it ‘Our’ money?
I don’t mind but if he says what for?
All the years I was earning more, I didn’t class the extra as ‘My’ money, it was just ours 🤷🏻‍♀️

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss Most of our money is accounted for at the moment, lots of bills and things for the house and Dd needed at the moment, he might think that’s why he needs to put some away 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was expecting you to say you'd found a secret accounts with thousands in it to be honest. Its only £70 and doesn't even look like he's tried to hide it which he could have easily done if he wanted to. I don't think this is an issue at all.

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes, we’ve been together since our teens and I feel v secure and solid in the relationship that I wouldn’t be left without anything and due to return to work next year, but feel a bit weird about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're working as a team - him out of the house and you at home. So all money coming in is your shared money. So yes, you have a right to be asking about his extra money.

I think you should have a non-confrontational chat about it. It might be totally innocent but it shouldn't really be a secret

As others have said you could be more vulnerable if not married (depending on what country you're in). Worth having a chat about finances going forward as you return to work to make sure you're protected for all eventualities in the future

@bp300 No, not lots to find at all, but I’m guessing he’s going to take a whack out of it every week to save, which could add up for us (we pay food, bills etc from it)
I guess it’s annoying me that it’s hidden and he doesn’t just say what for
I’m going to ask in the next day or two but wanted to see what he’d do
Pisses me off he had the raise a few weeks ago and didn’t say though..isn’t that a shared thing or is if his money, his choice how to spend it? I don’t see it like that

@Rumplestrumpet Yes, that’s the way I see it too. I mean, I spend everything on Dd and I like doing that..but haven’t had anything for myself for years really, it feels like, perhaps I’d like to stash some away to spend on myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re not married. It is his money.

I have one of those tins...and so does DH.. I have no idea how much he has in his but he shoves a £10 in it every week or so.. I earn a lot less (part time TA..so dire) and tend to jsut save £1 coins in mine. Neither of us are planning to do a runner or spend it on cocaine.. it's just a nice easy way to build up a bit of extra! If he's had a good weekly pay he often passes me a £20 to put in mine.

What we do with our piggy banks is up to us... his last one went towards his new kayak... mine bought a guitar!

I think if you have always had shared money then he shouldn't unilaterally change it without talking about it.

Think you need a proper conversation. It could be that when you earnt more he didn;t feel able to spend on himself and now he feels he can. Or he could be saving for something nice for you/him. It might not be bad, but it definitely should be discussed.

Could he be saving for something nice for you? Any special occasions co
I guess up?

Maybe he's trying to save up for a surprise treat for you/you both and doesn't want you to find out by money disappearing from the bank account.

Whilst there are of course sinister reasons, not every reason is going to be such and that you e leapt to concern over secrecy hints at something more than a few pounds in a tin.

You say DP... Is he saving for an engagement ring maybe? Is getting married something you've discussed?

It's £70. It's hardly megabucks.

We have pots and tins of money allover the house, I find it easier for saving. Fwiw I have tens of thousands in the bank from when my mum died, dp is aware but not how much I have left. I havent spent any, it's just always been sat there. Dp doesn't care. It isn't really his business.

If he started turning detective over a poxy £70 I'd think he was extremely controlling and odd tbh. So long as you and your daughter aren't going without why does it even matter?

Did you ever discuss this concept of extra money being automatically shared?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss He is hiding it though as on top of the high cupboard is where he thinks I won’t look. I literally only saw it as I looked up to see if the juicer was on the top or in the cupboard. I’m curious to know how much is in it now!
I definitely feel he deliberately didn’t tell me he’d got the raise a few weeks ago, it’s something he’d normally say straight away

I hid cash from my ex he was rinsing all my money off me so I had to

*He had mentioned he was having a pay rise maybe a month or so ago...

He then said he’d had the rise a few weeks ago, why didn’t he say anything*

He did say something, he told you it was happening

@MooseBeTimeForSummer Really?! So all the years when I brought in more, I shouldn’t made sure to keep all that for myself?
We have house bought in both our names, car bought in both our names..everything 50/50 and a daughter. Both our wages have gone up and down over the years and it’s never been a case of ‘Oh now I/you earn more, I/you get to keep more. We’ve just always shared together

I don't think tucking a few quid away is anything to worry about. If he had a devious plan for his savings, he wouldn't leave it in the house. The cash I keep in the house is hidden away - not from my husband or kids, but somewhere that isn't obvious to imaginary burglars.

Do you have sufficient savings already?

@sammylady37 No, he’d mentioned his boss had been running ideas past him and he’d have to wait and see, but then he’d obviously been given it and didn’t come home and say it, not for a few weeks, just odd as usually he would and would be chuffed to share the news.

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe I’m not being controlling, just find it odd that I’m finding tins of money being hidden and he didn’t tell me he’d actually had the pay rise a few weeks ago 🤷🏻‍♀️It’s something we’d normally talk about

I am the sole earner and all accounts are joint.

But, sometimes, I miss the fact that I don't have an account that is just mine so I can spend without being noticed on coffee and the like