Dp stashing money away

[Woodpigeonnotanowl]

Just wondering if I should be bothered about this, have a right to be bothered about it or am making a fuss over nothing.
Dp and I have been together a long time, both always worked full time, I’ve generally earned a small amount more for the majority of the time. Our money was always in a shared account, paid bills, shared the money, bought things if we needed them..never an issue from either of us as to what the other spent as neither made big purchases etc.
After years of infertility, ivf and stress, we finally were blessed with our Dd (almost 3) I only worked a few hours per week since she was born (when he returned from work) and for the last year haven’t worked (I will return to work next year when Dd is at school)
We still kept the same system of it being ‘Our’ money, never even discussed it..bills are paid, weekly amount for food, clothes/bits for Dd etc.
Last week I was clearing out a cupboard and found a tin with £70 hidden away. I didn’t say anything, but then saw this week that Dp had more money in his weekly wage (gets paid some wage weekly in cash and the rest monthly in the bank-we’re in another country and fairly normal here)
He had mentioned he was having a pay rise maybe a month or so ago. I decided not to say anything and we went clothes shopping for some summer bits for Dd. Oh the way there he said ‘Oh yeah, I had a small pay rise and was trying to save some money back for you to go shopping’ now, this just sounded like a lie and I think he knew I’d seen the tin. He then said he’d had the rise a few weeks ago, why didn’t he say anything 🤷🏻‍♀️
We went shopping and I didn’t mention it.
Was making dinner earlier and noticed that same tin on top of the cupboard high up (I’m a short arse so will have to get a chair to get up there and I’m guessing he thinks I won’t see it there.
Is he out of order hiding money for himself or is he entitled to because he earns it? It’s our money though still and why not just say 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don’t think there’s a sinister reason for it and is likely for something he wants to buy that probably costs a fair bit. Yes, he earns the money but I take care of every other thing to do with Dd, the house, bills, cooking etc.
I don’t know, it’s just made me feel strange and a bit out of control and to want my own money again.

Sorry it’s long!

@AnneLovesGilbert No I was just joking as in children can be expensive

[quote Woodpigeonnotanowl]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss We aren’t in dire straights and are managing fine, but we still need the weekly amount.
Yes, I will be returning to work when Dd starts school as nursery costs are massive where we are and there’s no point. I’ve also worked all my life and damn hard and generally been the higher provider. After years of this and infertility and ivf stress, coupled with nursery costs, we decided I’d be at home with Dd, which incidentally is bloody hard work too, harder than going out to work was for me personally.[/quote]
How expensive is childcare if you've generally been the higher earner and you still can't afford it?

15Woodpigeonnotanowl
@LazypuppyI work at home though and am bringing up Dd..doesn’t it count for anything?

No, not if you aren't married. In the eyes of the law you guys are nothing more than roommates. Its your decision not to work, and he is raising his child too, same as every other working parent.

Myself and my dp keep our money seperate, we both have our own savings as well as joint. He earns his money, i have to right to any of it

@RandomMess It’s not expensive to eat out where we are. That’s the thing, he has lunches out everyday but I feel I can’t say much as he goes out to earn it. Once a week Dd and I go for coffee/IKEA lunch etc, it’s not a lot.

Jesus Christ, just talk to him and stop making a mountain out of £70.

I think you should just ask him outright? I don't think it's necessary anything bad.

My DH's older relative used to hide cash in various spots round her house because she didn't trust banks. Could it be anything like that? Especially if you are in a country where cash is more common.

@WorraLiberty It’s expensive and wages crappy. When she’s at school, which isn’t long, it’ll be much more doable, plus I won’t mind being away from her so much. We both agreed after all we went through that if we could we’d have Dd at home with me and not a nursery, that’s part of it too, it’s been a sacrifice but one that’s been worth it to have the time with her.

I age £90 in my handbag DH knows nothing about - it’s not hidden as such, it’s just accumulated over time when cash was rejected in shops and DD asked me to exchange it for a bank transfer.

I’m not up to anything weird or sinister.

@Lazypuppy We’ve never seen it like that, just the way we’ve been in our relationship, I know it’s different for everyone. We’ve just always shared everything and been open with it all, regardless of who earned what.

@SylHellais Ok 👍

@BluebellsGreenbells Yes, I’ve done that too or we’ve always got some cash here or there, just that this clearly was hidden and I’ve never seen that before

You might have been joking but you’ve said it several times. I’ve got a two year old and she’s not expensive at all.

[quote Woodpigeonnotanowl]@WorraLiberty It’s expensive and wages crappy. When she’s at school, which isn’t long, it’ll be much more doable, plus I won’t mind being away from her so much. We both agreed after all we went through that if we could we’d have Dd at home with me and not a nursery, that’s part of it too, it’s been a sacrifice but one that’s been worth it to have the time with her.[/quote]
So childcare costs aside, you're refusing to go back to work until next year because you cant bear to be away from your kid?

That's fair enough but I don't think your lifestyle choice should mean your DP can't stick a couple of quid in a tin for whatever reason.

I think possibly the biggest problem here is you seem unable to talk to him.

He could be saving for an engagement ring!

Its your decision not to work, and he is raising his child too, same as every other working parent.
" we agreed" OP said.
Families do agree to split childcare and work out of the home unequally, you can't assume the at home parent has decided unilaterally.
And if OP has been earning a bit more over their entire relationship,is her DP really ahead in the work competition?

@WorraLiberty Bit harsh there 😏
It isn’t really a lifestyle choice, it’s hard to be at home, a lot harder in many ways than when I worked. The nursery fees are very high in comparison to the wage I’d get at present due to covid and yes, I do want to be with Dd, if I possibly can, taking into account all that’s happened. I work hard at home too and it’s not easy most days, but we made that choice. I do almost everything around the house, cook, clean, food shop, organise bills and so on, so he can go to work and that’s more or less it. We both work hard

You could look at it another way.

Some people find it hard to save and just spend, by removing it and putting it somewhere he can’t easily access it, means he starts to save.

Some people move money into accounts and can leave it without think of stuff to buy.

Maybe he just trying to be sensible.

If he’s had just spent it out of the account you wouldn’t have mattered an eyelid

"stashing away" 70 quid ... I thought it was going to be thousands. You might have a point then. £70 shouldn't be an issue.

@celandiney Thank you 🙏 Feeling I’m being got at a bit here. I’ve always worked, working wouldn’t be beneficial with the childcare situation at present aswell as other reasons.
I found going out to work much easier than being at home with a toddler all day 🤣but it is what it is and won’t be for long.

If it was hundreds or thousands I’d be bothered but not £70.

I have a small box I sometimes chuck money in that my DH dosnt know about. If he knows he will use it then when I want it there will be nothing in there. It’s actually usually money that’s fallen out of his pocket or money I find in his pockets while doing the washing. It’s not a secret as such, he knows I have a stash somewhere he just doesn’t know where. It’s a place for me to put money that I know will be there if and when I need it. I always know it’s there when the tooth fairy is needed, not like the money in my purse which DH takes and dosnt tell me. It’s why I started doing it in the first place as I’ve been stuck a few times for cash when I needed it but when I go to my purse it’s empty. I use it when I’ve forgotten to get cash out for things like paying rainbows and brownies fees etc...

Maybe he is putting some aside to buy you something or as a rainy day fund. I certainly don’t think he’s building a running away fund with the amounts your talking about.

I'm not knocking it OP but it is very much a lifestyle choice.

@AnneLovesGilbert It’s definitely made a change to our finances having a child..nappies, food, clothes, toys etc

If you’re the higher earner cant dp stay at home with dd and you go back to work? You aren’t married and he’s had a bonus why can’t he save it and spend it how he wants. If you can’t afford the bills then you both need to work.

@BluebellsGreenbells That’s the thing..‘I’m’ the sensible one 🤣 if I didn’t try to at least organise our finances, nothing would ever get paid

@LubaLuca

Do you have sufficient savings already, that both of you can access if you need to?

Asking for a third time

Is he perhaps worried that you have no rainy day fund, and that if the extra bit he's now bringing home gets absorbed into household costs as you think it should, then you won't feel the benefit of it?