Dp stashing money away

[Woodpigeonnotanowl]

Just wondering if I should be bothered about this, have a right to be bothered about it or am making a fuss over nothing.
Dp and I have been together a long time, both always worked full time, I’ve generally earned a small amount more for the majority of the time. Our money was always in a shared account, paid bills, shared the money, bought things if we needed them..never an issue from either of us as to what the other spent as neither made big purchases etc.
After years of infertility, ivf and stress, we finally were blessed with our Dd (almost 3) I only worked a few hours per week since she was born (when he returned from work) and for the last year haven’t worked (I will return to work next year when Dd is at school)
We still kept the same system of it being ‘Our’ money, never even discussed it..bills are paid, weekly amount for food, clothes/bits for Dd etc.
Last week I was clearing out a cupboard and found a tin with £70 hidden away. I didn’t say anything, but then saw this week that Dp had more money in his weekly wage (gets paid some wage weekly in cash and the rest monthly in the bank-we’re in another country and fairly normal here)
He had mentioned he was having a pay rise maybe a month or so ago. I decided not to say anything and we went clothes shopping for some summer bits for Dd. Oh the way there he said ‘Oh yeah, I had a small pay rise and was trying to save some money back for you to go shopping’ now, this just sounded like a lie and I think he knew I’d seen the tin. He then said he’d had the rise a few weeks ago, why didn’t he say anything 🤷🏻‍♀️
We went shopping and I didn’t mention it.
Was making dinner earlier and noticed that same tin on top of the cupboard high up (I’m a short arse so will have to get a chair to get up there and I’m guessing he thinks I won’t see it there.
Is he out of order hiding money for himself or is he entitled to because he earns it? It’s our money though still and why not just say 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don’t think there’s a sinister reason for it and is likely for something he wants to buy that probably costs a fair bit. Yes, he earns the money but I take care of every other thing to do with Dd, the house, bills, cooking etc.
I don’t know, it’s just made me feel strange and a bit out of control and to want my own money again.

Sorry it’s long!

If you were to separate you don’t have any claim on his savings, pensions etc. And vice versa.
You gain no financial benefit from being his partner for a long period of time. You’re not “entitled” to half of anything except any assets in joint names.

@BTV2000 We got engaged around 10 years ago and were due to get married but then spent 9 years trying to conceive and spent thousands on ivf etc. It was put on the back burner and we’re both ok with that and will resume plans once covid hopefully gets better.

I really don’t think he’s saving money away to buy me something

@topcat2014 See things like coffee etc wouldn’t ever be an issue, he has lunches out at work, I take Dd out to cafes, these things aren’t looked at etc and we’re both pretty relaxed. Although I do rarely ever spend any money on myself at all, which is my choice as I do like spending it on Dd, whereas he does just buy himself stuff he needs, bike helmet, shoes and clothes last week and so on and we don’t even discuss it really.

I would tell him that you're hurt over it after you always but all of your income in even when you earned more.

@MooseBeTimeForSummer I know. If we split, we’d split the house and car

I have 5 of those tins - one for Christmas, one for holiday savings, one for DD's birthday, one for school holidays and one that's my emergency stash. I don't think DH is aware of them. I've never thought to tell him but I'm not doing anything dodgy or planning to run away. I just tootle off to the cash machine on payday come home & fill my tins. DH earns significantly more than I do.

It’s not a good sign that you haven’t asked him about this and assume it’s something sinister.

DH has a tin in his wardrobe that he chucks the change from his trousers in at night. It’s holiday spends, I never have a clue how much it is, I don’t think he does either till he changes it for notes before we go away.

We’re completely open about finances and I’ve never had reason to doubt him.

You say a lot about how open things have always been between you so if you see them changing then you have to talk to him. He’s your long term partner and father of your child. Nothing should be off the table.

So I don’t think it’s the £70 that’s the issue, it’s that for all you’re saying the relationship is sound you think he’s up to something.

I couldn’t get over worked about £70 in a tin to be honest unless you are on the bones of your arse and you and dd are going without.

In your position as unmarried with a child I’d be looking to put yourself back in a financially independent position with some of your own savings though.

I'm the sole earner and don't share all money with DH. We share most, but I have a buffer that's there if I need it. If an unexpected bill arises, it's on my shoulders. So I don't feel guilty keeping some back.

@Woodpigeonnotanowl

£70 squirrelled away in a tin is not something I could get upset about!

If it had been 2 or 3 thousand £££, and you were both struggling financially, then that would have been different, but £70? Seriously?

I agree you're not married so it is his money. You have chosen not to work and to rely on his income.

Women are told on here constantly to have a little savings pot separate from their DP/DH.

It sounds like he's squirrelling tiny bits away to give you a treat or surprise.

What's the fucking issue 🤷‍♀️

@slashlover

Women are told on here constantly to have a little savings pot separate from their DP/DH.

I was just going to say perhaps he's read Mumsnet

@littlepattilou It’s not a lot, no, but out of our weekly money it actually is, as it’s divided for food shopping and petrol etc so is accounted for really. Plus, it seems to be that’s what he’ll be putting in each time..I don’t know, why hide it? That’s more my issue, not the amount

I stash some money in the house. Why shouldnt he have some money in a pot, put to one side? If you knew about it would you be the type of person to try and allocate the money for something

Perhaps he needs to find a new tin and a better hiding place- or maybe you'll go looking anyway.....

@3Britnee No, it won’t be for me

Dh runs a business and sometimes gets paid in cash because it's what people turn up with and prefer. We literally have a tin on a bookshelf in the spare room with probably £2000 in it. I would never think of it as 'stashing money away'. Though I also work and have my own money and we share our expenses equitably, it's sensible to save and it can be helpful to have cash around. I wouldn't think twice about it unless you really need money and he refuses to share it with you.

@Daphnise ?

I don’t think it’s a big issue - if he’s generally trustworthy it seems like he’s hiding it to give you a surprise!

If he really wanted to hide lots of money away he could easily have done so ... in a bank ... with separate accounts.

A tin isn’t going to hold huge amount of cash.

However if he was indeed squirrelling it away for something he wanted to buy himself I’d find it a bit of an issue - since your money’s joint he can’t unilaterally decide to do that. He should at least tell you

I was tidying and found this tin.
There you go.
If MN is anything to go by I swear couples forget how to talk

What's wrong with £70? It's not that big so he can't be spending it on anything that important can he. You seem to be reading way more into it than what has likely happened. I suggest you talk to him nicely saying you found it out of curiosity and you're wondering what it's for. Maybe it's just small bits of cash he's built up over time, he had random tenners and just shoved them in.

If he wants to buy something and it's not affecting you in any way, then what's the problem?

@mindutopia That seems normal, but this is what he’s hiding and hasn’t said to me, that’s the difference 🤷🏻‍♀️