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Original poster

Dp stashing money away

176 replies

Woodpigeonnotanowl · 24/04/2021 21:17

Just wondering if I should be bothered about this, have a right to be bothered about it or am making a fuss over nothing.
Dp and I have been together a long time, both always worked full time, I’ve generally earned a small amount more for the majority of the time. Our money was always in a shared account, paid bills, shared the money, bought things if we needed them..never an issue from either of us as to what the other spent as neither made big purchases etc.
After years of infertility, ivf and stress, we finally were blessed with our Dd (almost 3) I only worked a few hours per week since she was born (when he returned from work) and for the last year haven’t worked (I will return to work next year when Dd is at school)
We still kept the same system of it being ‘Our’ money, never even discussed it..bills are paid, weekly amount for food, clothes/bits for Dd etc.
Last week I was clearing out a cupboard and found a tin with £70 hidden away. I didn’t say anything, but then saw this week that Dp had more money in his weekly wage (gets paid some wage weekly in cash and the rest monthly in the bank-we’re in another country and fairly normal here)
He had mentioned he was having a pay rise maybe a month or so ago. I decided not to say anything and we went clothes shopping for some summer bits for Dd. Oh the way there he said ‘Oh yeah, I had a small pay rise and was trying to save some money back for you to go shopping’ now, this just sounded like a lie and I think he knew I’d seen the tin. He then said he’d had the rise a few weeks ago, why didn’t he say anything 🤷🏻‍♀️
We went shopping and I didn’t mention it.
Was making dinner earlier and noticed that same tin on top of the cupboard high up (I’m a short arse so will have to get a chair to get up there and I’m guessing he thinks I won’t see it there.
Is he out of order hiding money for himself or is he entitled to because he earns it? It’s our money though still and why not just say 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don’t think there’s a sinister reason for it and is likely for something he wants to buy that probably costs a fair bit. Yes, he earns the money but I take care of every other thing to do with Dd, the house, bills, cooking etc.
I don’t know, it’s just made me feel strange and a bit out of control and to want my own money again.

Sorry it’s long!

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 25/04/2021 00:16

I think when you've said 'we ' and 'us' with regard to sharing and planning financially, particularly now that you've explained that he's not that great with money, a bit of a spender and that you've had to take control of the finances, means that overall he's happy with you taking control, but he's not 100% in agreement on the priorities.

You feel it's right to first prioritise your DD, bills, house, and not leave anything for yourselves. But maybe he wants a little something for himself? And would that be wrong? But if he KNOWS your priorities and that you wouldn't agree he's decided to just treat himself quietly by saving a bit without telling you.

I think you need to have a discussion, and you need to listen to his viewpoint because you really shouldn't get to decide all the financial priorities, it's a joint decision.

I also think that you need to set out a budget, and allocate some personal money for each of you. If you decide to spend it on DD, that's your choice. If he decides to spend it going out and buying lunch over a certain budgeted amount, that's his choice. If he wants to save it to buy a big item for himself that's also his choice. If that means improvements to the house are delayed until you return to work next year, so be it, that's not that far away.

But there cannot be unilateral decisions made by either yourself or him as to how money is spent, because when the money pot is reduced as it is for you at the moment, those decisions can hurt the other person.

SD1978 · 25/04/2021 00:20

I always find these interesting. Women advise other women to have a secret stash (sometimes) if a man does he's controllling and secretive. Given its not a significant amount, I wouldn't care.

timeisnotaline · 25/04/2021 00:22

@SD1978

I always find these interesting. Women advise other women to have a secret stash (sometimes) if a man does he's controllling and secretive. Given its not a significant amount, I wouldn't care.
Often that’s when women don’t earn it, so don’t have a pay check coming in they can redivert.
Original poster
Woodpigeonnotanowl · 25/04/2021 00:25

@ClaryFairchild That’s sensible advice, thank you.

I guess, to me, and I think many others..? 🤷🏻‍♀️Bills, your child and things that are needed in the home are essentials? Especially the first two. I mean, they’re not fun things and I’d much prefer to be spending money on things we just want, but don’t those boring things have to take precedence? We need a load of summer clothes soon and to sort DD’s bedroom. I’d class those as essentials, but that will come more into the treat category if the moneys frittered away on what I imagine will be an expensive boy toy

OP posts:
Original poster
Woodpigeonnotanowl · 25/04/2021 00:26

@ClaryFairchild Basically I don’t feel we have enough to be spending it on treat items like that when Dd needs a bedroom etc

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 25/04/2021 00:27

£70 is such a footling amount, I'd not even give it a second thought.
I thought it would be many thousands in an offshore account.

Original poster
Woodpigeonnotanowl · 25/04/2021 00:28

@SD1978 But it likely will be if he adds to it each week
I never said controlling but if he’s able to be secretive and hide it away, perhaps I should do the same

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/04/2021 00:34

You have savings and an inheritance and yet your daughter has needs such as a bedroom?

You've spent over 3 hours 'imagining' that this £70 is going to be put towards a 'boy toy' rather than simply asking him a basic question?

You two really need to get together and speak actual words.

Pyewackect · 25/04/2021 00:41

It’s only £70. That wouldn’t fill my car with petrol. Interesting that you found though , if it way out of reach. ?

missnevermind · 25/04/2021 00:47

To me it looks like he has put away the difference in his wages that the pay rise has given him. So you both still have the same amount as before and this 'extra money' is being kept separately for now.
We can only speculate until you speak to him but perhaps it is in the tin rather than the bank as that will make it easier/harder for him to access it without deliberately making that decision.
The tin has not been expertly hidden so he is not worried too much about you finding it. It is merely tucked away out of sight.

BoyTree · 25/04/2021 01:01

@SD1978

I always find these interesting. Women advise other women to have a secret stash (sometimes) if a man does he's controllling and secretive. Given its not a significant amount, I wouldn't care.
Presumably because women are much more likely to be the victim of violence and abuse in which case a stash that allows them to escape is more likely to be needed.
ClaryFairchild · 25/04/2021 03:57

@Woodpigeonnotanowl - again you've said what YOU feel the priorities should be. And I get it. I really do. You struggled to have your DD and it probably cost a lot financially as well. Now you feel she should be a priority. But separate out the needs and wants. If she is heading to school next year I guess she's around 3/4 right now. Her needs aren't huge. Second hand furniture will do, with a bit of paint it can look brand new. Second hand clothes for her too, as well as some new supermarket brands. Children grow out of clothes so fast, it doesn't need to cost a fortune. I may be wrong, but I suspect you haven't really gone through what is really needed for your DD and what brings you joy and an immense satisfaction in buying for her. Don't expect your DH to value it to the same extent. He may not, and he shouldn't have to.

Original poster
Woodpigeonnotanowl · 25/04/2021 08:15

@ClaryFairchild But he should value what she needs first over a boy toy for himself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Woodpigeonnotanowl · 25/04/2021 08:17

@WorraLiberty I had a small amount that was left, lots of that was spent on bills and a bike for Dp that he needed. I’m attempting to keep hold of a tiny amount in case of emergencies.

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 25/04/2021 08:48

I’m attempting to keep hold of a tiny amount in case of emergencies.

Your partner seems to be doing the same.

Original poster
Woodpigeonnotanowl · 25/04/2021 08:56

@LubaLuca He’s not the type to ever save or think that way

OP posts:
thegreylady · 25/04/2021 09:00

My dh has a credit card that only he uses. It is to buy Christmas and birthday gifts for me so he can surprise me. I have a card on the account but never use it or look at the bills.
We used to each have ‘fritter money’ which we didn’t need to account for. I am sure you could squirrel away a little for yourself too.

LubaLuca · 25/04/2021 09:00

Well, the evidence would suggest otherwise; he's saving money, in a tin at home.

GreenOlivesinGin · 25/04/2021 09:40

I completely understand where you are coming from and I would feel exactly the same way. It would be a different story if you had separate finances or a different arrangement, but you don't. It is not about whether it is his money or not, but that it feels that he has started approaching it differently to what you had been doing until now without discussing it with you - e.g. maybe you would have felt differently if he had said that he was going to put some money aside for something but he didn't. It does not mean there is something sinister going on and the amount and what he wants to spend it on is irrelevant - but I would definitely have a conversation about it.

Original poster
Woodpigeonnotanowl · 25/04/2021 09:48

@GreenOlivesinGin That’s exactly it

OP posts:
stillcrazyafterall · 25/04/2021 09:49

Hang on.... I had exactly this scenario. Only it was me with the 'stash'. DH didn't find it but I confessed. I am doing the 'penny a day ' challenge. When I confessed I had over £500 in the kitty. It wasn't for me, it was so we had masses of spending money on our holiday without worrying - and he hadn't noticed the odd bit disappearing. Don't always assume the worst!

Original poster
Woodpigeonnotanowl · 25/04/2021 09:55

@stillcrazyafterall That’s the kind of thing I’d do, he def wouldn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok, so I’ve just got the chair out to stand on to look whilst he’s at the shop, the tin is pushed back and has..nothing in it?! But has clearly been hidden, so I’m guessing that’s where money is going to go, but we used it yesterday to get some summer clothes for Dd

OP posts:
Daisy829 · 25/04/2021 10:02

Just have a chat with him. I have a plum account I stash money into. DH knows about it but never asks how much is in it. I don’t use it I’m just trying to build up a little pot for when we need something/want a treat. It’s nothing untoward I’m just thing to get us in a position where we have a bit of a safety net.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 25/04/2021 10:15

OP, you keep saying saving is something he definitely wouldn't do, even though it looks like that's exactly what he was doing, and instead you're on here speculating about where it came from and now where it's gone and what reason he's got for hiding a relatively small amount of cash. You really just need to ask him. This is a way bigger deal than it needs to be because you're not doing that, which is a worry. You've been together since you were teens and been through ivf, you should definitely be able to say "I found a tin when I was tidying and it had £70 in it, are you saving for something?" without it being a confrontation or an accusation. We aren't going to magically be able to solve this one for you, you've got to communicate with your DP.

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/04/2021 11:56

I think the issue isn't the money itself, but the fact that he's moved the goalposts. This isn't how you've worked before.

OP it sounds like you're not actually that hard up, but he buys a lot of stuff for himself and you spend a lot on your DD. I think you need an honest chat about finances that goes beyond the £70.

And I don't get all the posts saying it's his money to spend as he wants. You're a family, it was a joint decision that you be a SAHM so it should be family money.