Dp stashing money away

[Woodpigeonnotanowl]

Just wondering if I should be bothered about this, have a right to be bothered about it or am making a fuss over nothing.
Dp and I have been together a long time, both always worked full time, I’ve generally earned a small amount more for the majority of the time. Our money was always in a shared account, paid bills, shared the money, bought things if we needed them..never an issue from either of us as to what the other spent as neither made big purchases etc.
After years of infertility, ivf and stress, we finally were blessed with our Dd (almost 3) I only worked a few hours per week since she was born (when he returned from work) and for the last year haven’t worked (I will return to work next year when Dd is at school)
We still kept the same system of it being ‘Our’ money, never even discussed it..bills are paid, weekly amount for food, clothes/bits for Dd etc.
Last week I was clearing out a cupboard and found a tin with £70 hidden away. I didn’t say anything, but then saw this week that Dp had more money in his weekly wage (gets paid some wage weekly in cash and the rest monthly in the bank-we’re in another country and fairly normal here)
He had mentioned he was having a pay rise maybe a month or so ago. I decided not to say anything and we went clothes shopping for some summer bits for Dd. Oh the way there he said ‘Oh yeah, I had a small pay rise and was trying to save some money back for you to go shopping’ now, this just sounded like a lie and I think he knew I’d seen the tin. He then said he’d had the rise a few weeks ago, why didn’t he say anything 🤷🏻‍♀️
We went shopping and I didn’t mention it.
Was making dinner earlier and noticed that same tin on top of the cupboard high up (I’m a short arse so will have to get a chair to get up there and I’m guessing he thinks I won’t see it there.
Is he out of order hiding money for himself or is he entitled to because he earns it? It’s our money though still and why not just say 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don’t think there’s a sinister reason for it and is likely for something he wants to buy that probably costs a fair bit. Yes, he earns the money but I take care of every other thing to do with Dd, the house, bills, cooking etc.
I don’t know, it’s just made me feel strange and a bit out of control and to want my own money again.

Sorry it’s long!

I think it's fair enough if he wants a tin of savings.
Unless you are going without for something?

Do you have sufficient savings already, that both of you can access if you need to?

@AnneLovesGilbert I’m not assuming it’s something sinister, I’m guessing he’s going to buy himself something big. I haven’t asked because it feels weird him doing it so am now thinking I don’t have the right to ask maybe, as I haven’t earned that money.
I don’t know, it’s a strange feeling to not have it being secure in my mind that it’s my money as I’ve always been used to.

I have savings in cash-I cream off whats left at the end of the month and put it away for a rainy day
My partner doesn’t know about it and I’ve never brought it up
It’s my money and I do what I want with it
He has his ‘pocket money’ and I have mine
It doesn’t mean I’m planning to run away but after being shafted in the past,having a ‘me fund’ makes me feel a bit better
I wouldn’t read too much into it

It’s a small sum of money, many people use tins for saving money in, I do. If it bothers you, you need to speak to him

@Horehound We’d not be going without exactly, but have got a lot of things to pay for, so 70 per week would be noticeable to us at the moment.

I wouldn’t say anything to him but keep an eye on it. If the amount goes up drastically think about a conversation

Why don't you just ask him about it?

@Hankunamatata The extra money would generally have to be allocated for something as have lots of bills etc

Why don’t you just ask him about it. £70 could very well have been left over from when he thought he’d need cash to pay a tradesperson and then ended up paying by card or something. It’s not exactly hidden under the floorboards....

@Gogetsalife Yes, that might be it, have always worked and been able to treat myself. Since Dd came along and I haven’t and she’s expensive! lots seems to go on her, it hasn’t bothered me that much, but perhaps I’d like my own little savings for some new clothes etc 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Lazypuppy I work at home though and am bringing up Dd..doesn’t it count for anything?

I’m guessing he’s going to buy himself something big

For £70?

Probably just saving a few quid here and there, may not even know what for. My OH used to empty the loose change out of is pockets and dump it on the window sill, even did it while we were 'courting'. Seemed a bit weird but all I did was buy him a couple of storage jars so it wasn't so messy. Still does it (not to the same extent now we're basically cashless).

Try not to make a mountain out if it. As has previously been mentioned MN advises everyone to secretly save for a running away fund for when you decide to leave and divorce. I doubt he'll be running far with £70. In a jar on top of a cupboard isn't exactly well hidden.

[quote Woodpigeonnotanowl]@Horehound We’d not be going without exactly, but have got a lot of things to pay for, so 70 per week would be noticeable to us at the moment.[/quote]
If that’s the case then you could ease the burden and help by returning to work.

It’s likely he’s saving for something he wants which is fair enough as he’s the only one working and shouldering all of the financial responsibility for multiple people is hard.

@rainyskylight It’s definitely being hidden away, due to the places he’s put it. We have bits of cash lying around on top of the office table for the week-petrol or whatever. This was hidden, which is what I find weird

Perhaps you need a general chat and looking at finances and budgeting together.

Money for bills is tight let alone "treats" and it seems that he deserves them and you don't yet on the other hand you are both buying lunches out. Perhaps you need to agree what is essential and what isn't at you each get equal "free spending"?

I’m sorry, I think you’re overreacting. It’s £70 in a jar. Perhaps he wanted to keep a cash float in the house for stuff. We keep one for paying the milkman, window cleaner etc.

Furthermore, women on MN are constantly advised to create a savings pot by secretly shaving money off what they’re given by a DP, yet when a man does it, it’s somehow dodgy.

It never ceases to amaze me that people create angst in their own relationships by posting on MN rather than actually bloody talking to their partner.

Why is your daughter so expensive? Does he agree with what you’re spending on things for her?

@BigFatLiar Was 70 the first time but I’m guessing he’s putting some each week maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️As it’s now in another place but I’ve no idea how much is in it

1 main reason he probably stashed it is because you would spend it and he might want to save for emergencies ect

I'm certain DH has secret savings, as do I. When you get back to work OP, start savings just for you as you never know what could happen

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss We aren’t in dire straights and are managing fine, but we still need the weekly amount.
Yes, I will be returning to work when Dd starts school as nursery costs are massive where we are and there’s no point. I’ve also worked all my life and damn hard and generally been the higher provider. After years of this and infertility and ivf stress, coupled with nursery costs, we decided I’d be at home with Dd, which incidentally is bloody hard work too, harder than going out to work was for me personally.

So you scoop all.the extra money and allocate it. Are you really suprised then he hasnt told you and stashed some away for himself.

[quote Woodpigeonnotanowl]@BigFatLiar Was 70 the first time but I’m guessing he’s putting some each week maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️As it’s now in another place but I’ve no idea how much is in it[/quote]
Do you have a problem with communicating with your husband?

This is so odd that you'd turn to Mumsnet before actually speaking to him.

I think you should go back to work.