Dp stashing money away

[Woodpigeonnotanowl]

Just wondering if I should be bothered about this, have a right to be bothered about it or am making a fuss over nothing.
Dp and I have been together a long time, both always worked full time, I’ve generally earned a small amount more for the majority of the time. Our money was always in a shared account, paid bills, shared the money, bought things if we needed them..never an issue from either of us as to what the other spent as neither made big purchases etc.
After years of infertility, ivf and stress, we finally were blessed with our Dd (almost 3) I only worked a few hours per week since she was born (when he returned from work) and for the last year haven’t worked (I will return to work next year when Dd is at school)
We still kept the same system of it being ‘Our’ money, never even discussed it..bills are paid, weekly amount for food, clothes/bits for Dd etc.
Last week I was clearing out a cupboard and found a tin with £70 hidden away. I didn’t say anything, but then saw this week that Dp had more money in his weekly wage (gets paid some wage weekly in cash and the rest monthly in the bank-we’re in another country and fairly normal here)
He had mentioned he was having a pay rise maybe a month or so ago. I decided not to say anything and we went clothes shopping for some summer bits for Dd. Oh the way there he said ‘Oh yeah, I had a small pay rise and was trying to save some money back for you to go shopping’ now, this just sounded like a lie and I think he knew I’d seen the tin. He then said he’d had the rise a few weeks ago, why didn’t he say anything 🤷🏻‍♀️
We went shopping and I didn’t mention it.
Was making dinner earlier and noticed that same tin on top of the cupboard high up (I’m a short arse so will have to get a chair to get up there and I’m guessing he thinks I won’t see it there.
Is he out of order hiding money for himself or is he entitled to because he earns it? It’s our money though still and why not just say 🤷🏻‍♀️
I don’t think there’s a sinister reason for it and is likely for something he wants to buy that probably costs a fair bit. Yes, he earns the money but I take care of every other thing to do with Dd, the house, bills, cooking etc.
I don’t know, it’s just made me feel strange and a bit out of control and to want my own money again.

Sorry it’s long!

I thought it was generally recommended to have some emergency cash on hand hidden in the house, in case ATMs and similar aren't working and something needs to be bought.

A tin in an awkward cupboard (or those fake tin-looking banks) are a common recommendation for that sort of thing.

Obviously, discuss it when you can, but I'd have assumed it was a prep stash, hidden to keep thieves from getting it, not something being hidden from me.

@Dddccc It won’t be, he doesn’t think that way, he would just spend all without thinking, I’m the saver

@BiBabbles That’s the kind of thing I’d do and try to do, in case of emergencies. He just spends it without thinking.

@TatianaBis I explained the reasons above.

Yes own the house and car.

@flameprincess Yes, perhaps you’re right

@MooseBeTimeForSummer

You’re not married. It is his money.

Really?

So she should look after him, his daughter and his home for just food and board then?

@LH1987

Seriously? For 70£? are you a little bored maybe?

What?

Do you announce the cost of every birthday and Christmas present you buy each other? No surprises?

@Nanny0gg Exactly! And not include all the years when I carried us too

[quote Woodpigeonnotanowl]@TatianaBis I explained the reasons above.

Yes own the house and car.[/quote]
You didn’t explain why, without the protection of marriage you wouldn’t work for 3 years (or presumably pay into pension). It leaves you incredibly vulnerable.

(work FT I mean)

@vimtosogood ? No

So according to MN, unless you work outside the home you’re not entitled to any money.
Also £70 is nothing and shouldn’t be worried about

I do wonder about the people who live in MN world sometimes.

@Woodpigeonnotanowl
Maybe that's the intent. I "hide" my wife's presents and the costs and she does mine.

I think you know what you need to do now OP..do come back and update us once you’ve talked to him! I really hope he wanted to surprise you 😂

Maybe he is saving the pay rise he got cause it's not needed for day to day bills at the moment. We did that when dh got one, but we discussed it first.

@TatianaBis I worked part time around dps hours until covid in March. Until the covid situation improves, I wouldn’t earn enough at the moment. I’ve worked full time for 22 years and part time hours since I was 15/16.
I worked weekends and evenings too whilst funding ivf and coped with an emergency ectopic, miscarriages and years of treatments. We were finally blessed with Dd, we agreed I needed some time out, we agreed it would be amazing if instead of sending Dd to a nursery when small, I could work around her, I did this.
I pay an amount to ensure I still qualify for my pension and it’s added to all my previous years worked. I own my house and car and have some savings I don’t touch, I’m due to go back to work when Dd starts school next year.

@TatianaBis I’d prefer to be married but it wasn’t top of our priorities the last few years.

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

I'm the sole earner and don't share all money with DH. We share most, but I have a buffer that's there if I need it. If an unexpected bill arises, it's on my shoulders. So I don't feel guilty keeping some back.

If I or dp were the sole earner, this would read We have a buffer, because that’s how we manage our money. I don’t need a secret buffer.

Also, you’re either unmarried with a child and it’s family money, or you’re unmarried with a child, it’s his money, and you’re in shitty relationship. I see no third option. The op is saying it’s not the second, it’s the first.

@vimtosogood Yes I do that too, but no birthdays etc at the moment

@timeisnotaline This is it, which is why hiding money and waiting a while to say about a pay rise feels a bit unsettling to me

@TheLastLotus It def won’t be that 🤣he doesn’t do things like that

Ffs! Stop bloody agonising and just ask !!!!

You have to ask him obviously. For the sake of £70 hopefully there is a reasonable option and he meant well. Not just something for himself.