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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is bringing food to a bbq rude?

282 replies

mamal29 · 24/04/2021 09:39

Just reading another thread and I wondered if bringing something to a bbq - as a gift - is rude?

I always bring a salad and have brought a pie on a couple of occasions (light filo pie) to pop in the oven when it's been a big garden party (only when it's family would I bring a hot dish) to help out.

Reading another thread I get the impression this is really rude? Blush

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 24/04/2021 10:39

I would't without offering to bring something to the host first. You don't know what their plans are for food and whether yours fits it.

If you bring as a gift, it is like a bottle of wine or box of chocolates as a gift, you dont expect it to be opened that night as the host may have their own to serve.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/04/2021 10:40

For a BBQ and to share with everyone is absolutely fine.
Bringing food just for you in a tupperware bowl and refusing to eat the hosts food is very rude.
Different situations entirely.

Confusedandshaken · 24/04/2021 10:41

It depends on how the host has planned the meal. Ask them.

I've got friends coming over later next for a garden lunch and have asked them to bring a salad. I'm very grateful that it's one less job for me. OTOH I have another friend who is a brilliant cook and seems to think no one else can feed people. It's great for a big potluck gathering However even when I've specified it's a formal dinner and I have a full menu planned and told her very clearly that I don't need anything bringing she will still bring loads of food, hot and cold. It's arrogant and a PITA. Firstly because she gets under my feet in the kitchen and takes up oven space. Secondly because if I've cooked something like a seafood starter followed by a beef Wellington, new potatoes and steamed veg, her offerings of (for example) chicken jalfrezi and samosas don't fit in well with my menu. It changes the whole tone of the evening.

Just before lockdown we had a New Years party for 80 people. I told her several times that we were hiring caterers and so she shouldn't bring anything but as usual she turned up with two huge trays full of food. The caterers had blocked people out of the kitchen with trestle tables to ensure they could maintain hygiene standards so she couldn't heat it up and every fridge was chock full of drinks and ice so she couldn't store it. I am hoping that might let her know that no means no.

Sorry to rant but she really gets on my nerves

WeeFae · 24/04/2021 10:41

But it wasnt even a BBQ, it was a cold buffet! and the OP brought a main dish that needed to be cooked, AFTER the host said not to.

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:42

@Confusedandshaken

It depends on how the host has planned the meal. Ask them.

I've got friends coming over later next for a garden lunch and have asked them to bring a salad. I'm very grateful that it's one less job for me. OTOH I have another friend who is a brilliant cook and seems to think no one else can feed people. It's great for a big potluck gathering However even when I've specified it's a formal dinner and I have a full menu planned and told her very clearly that I don't need anything bringing she will still bring loads of food, hot and cold. It's arrogant and a PITA. Firstly because she gets under my feet in the kitchen and takes up oven space. Secondly because if I've cooked something like a seafood starter followed by a beef Wellington, new potatoes and steamed veg, her offerings of (for example) chicken jalfrezi and samosas don't fit in well with my menu. It changes the whole tone of the evening.

Just before lockdown we had a New Years party for 80 people. I told her several times that we were hiring caterers and so she shouldn't bring anything but as usual she turned up with two huge trays full of food. The caterers had blocked people out of the kitchen with trestle tables to ensure they could maintain hygiene standards so she couldn't heat it up and every fridge was chock full of drinks and ice so she couldn't store it. I am hoping that might let her know that no means no.

Sorry to rant but she really gets on my nerves

That is very rude!!!
OP posts:
Turkishangora · 24/04/2021 10:42

Other food rudeness from the family includes my sister "hosting" a bowl and bottle night. Everyone brings a bottle of something and some food to share. Fair enough. I made some puff pastry feta cheese and cherry tomato tartlets, they were delish if I say so myself. Sister sees them, pounces on them, puts them in the fridge stating gleefully brilliant that will do for my lunch for next week.
One Christmas we didn't do Xmas dinner but did a buffet a few days after, I asked everyone to make and bring something to share. Emphasised that we'd be doing a home cooked spread and would be nice if everyone put same effort in. Parents turn up with hummus and crackers they'd bought from the coop on the way and sister with some veggie sausage rolls she'd grabbed from the freezer section at Morrisons.

I no longer host my family at my house en masse anymore.

ClarkeGriffin · 24/04/2021 10:43

@LBOCS2

Do people not talk to each other in Mumsnet land?

If I'm invited to a barbecue I send a message back which says "great, we'd love to come, can I bring anything?" And then I bring it. Likewise if a friend offers, I will quite often suggest that they bring a salad or something because it's easily transportable.

And also, if someone brought something with them without being asked, I would thank them. It wouldn't occur to me to be offended!

If people actually talked to each other about problems, there would be no need for the majority of this forum. Grin

But you're right, I just ask can I bring anything to help out, and if they say no, I don't bring anything.

Pugdogmom · 24/04/2021 10:43

Glad someone mentioned the flowers. I know I sound like a grumpy mare, but I hate when people bring me flowers that I have to sort out when I am already busy trying to sort stuff.

When we host barbecues, I don't mind people bringing stuff as long as I know firstly, but I'd really prefer you to bring wine/beer.

Lweji · 24/04/2021 10:44

That is very rude!!!

That's what you did to your MIL. Grin
I bet those guests think they're helping too. Wink

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:44

@Lweji

Christ she's my 82 year old mother in law, I was only trying to help her.

Christ! Have you not realised yet? You were incredibly patronising towards her, by assuming she needed help. And giving the message that you weren't happy with the cold food.
You were indeed insulting.
If she is your MIL she will be more relaxed and less formal, yes, so nothing means NOTHING, it won't be a formal answer.

If you do want to help tell her you WILL take something and ask her to tell you what. Or suggest something and ask if it's OK. People who say nothing at first will say yes if the suggestion is welcome.

Or just take something nice she will like during the week, just for her, as a thank you for the meal.

Omg. Calm down.
OP posts:
Hopdathelf · 24/04/2021 10:44

Emphasised that we'd be doing a home cooked spread and would be nice if everyone put same effort in.

That sounds a bit rude too.

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:45

@Lweji

That is very rude!!!

That's what you did to your MIL. Grin
I bet those guests think they're helping too. Wink

No it's not - I brought a pie! Not two trays of food to a catered party.
OP posts:
Hopdathelf · 24/04/2021 10:46

No it's not - I brought a pie! Not two trays of food to a catered party.

She’d catered for you. Is two trays your threshold for rudeness?

WeeFae · 24/04/2021 10:46

No it's not - I brought a pie! Not two trays of food to a catered party.

A cooked pie to a cold buffet after being told not to.

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:47

@Hopdathelf

No it's not - I brought a pie! Not two trays of food to a catered party.

She’d catered for you. Is two trays your threshold for rudeness?

It's in reference to the persons thread below! RTFT!!!!
OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/04/2021 10:47

I’d take flowers for the host or a box of chocolates/biscuits as a thankyou.

Standrewsschool · 24/04/2021 10:47

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

For a BBQ and to share with everyone is absolutely fine. Bringing food just for you in a tupperware bowl and refusing to eat the hosts food is very rude. Different situations entirely.
This
Lweji · 24/04/2021 10:47

Omg. Calm down.

I followed the tone of your reply to me. Not sure it's me who needs to calm down. Wink
I hoped you got the nudge, but apparently not. Same as you did with your MIL. I think I see a pattern there. Grin

BrilliantBetty · 24/04/2021 10:47

I would always rather people didn't bring anything that requires cooking as I will have planned everything and timed when each dish will need putting in and taking out etc.

I wouldn't be rude if another dish arrived just ideally only cold food (salads = perfect!), drinks, snacks that we can just easily pop on the table.

YWNBU at all though. Just some people like me like to have things already set up / organised in advance. I think it's because I'm an introvert I can only do a party if I plan it all in advance and know what's what before it starts as much as possible. I can feel a bit out of my depth in social situations sometimes. Working on it. Not that a pie would be such a big deal Grin I just mean in 'ideal world' scenario

Original poster
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:47

@WeeFae

No it's not - I brought a pie! Not two trays of food to a catered party.

A cooked pie to a cold buffet after being told not to.

I wasn't told not to!
OP posts:
mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NoSauce · 24/04/2021 10:48

If anyone turned up to my bbq with food I would just think how nice Confused

Lweji · 24/04/2021 10:49

@Hopdathelf

No it's not - I brought a pie! Not two trays of food to a catered party.

She’d catered for you. Is two trays your threshold for rudeness?

Exactly. Grin
WeeFae · 24/04/2021 10:49

I wasn't told not to!

You said you asked and she said no need to bring anything? Which is true?

Hopdathelf · 24/04/2021 10:50

I have read thanks. Just pointing out the ridiculousness of you drawing a distinction between what you did and what a PP’s friend did. What was the difference? One pie versus two trays, professionally catered versus catered by the host? There’s not that much difference but you have spent pages trying to say you weren’t rude then say someone who did something very much the same was rude.