Is bringing food to a bbq rude?

[mamal29]

Just reading another thread and I wondered if bringing something to a bbq - as a gift - is rude?

I always bring a salad and have brought a pie on a couple of occasions (light filo pie) to pop in the oven when it's been a big garden party (only when it's family would I bring a hot dish) to help out.

Reading another thread I get the impression this is really rude?

Rude to turn up empty handed, but if they say 'nothing ' you don't turn up with the main meal, you bring wine/flowers

Not at all. Especially within family people shouldn't feel embarrassed to ask for help.
I'd say you made a mistake, but it's a small thing, don't beat yourself about it. Next time bring flowers and wine, compliment the food and just have a good time. I'm sure this one incident will be forgotten (if it hasn't been already).
Usually BBQs are more informal but I always check with the host what's actually needed (if anything). Sometimes they'll just say what they'll serve and what others say will bring and then I can bring something else if I want. Or they say nothing is needed and I respect that.
If I'm invited for dinner I only ever bring wine and even then I say it's a gift so we don't actually have to drink it that night in case the hosts had other plans.

I would hate this if I am providing everything. Normally people ask and to make everyone feel part of it, they get tasks. So someone is told to being crisps, someone lemons, someone "oh can you grab lemonade? I don't drink it so I might forget ha".
Like this no one goes rogue.

It's incredibly frustrating when people "try to be helpful" which usually is actually the opposite. If I invite someone for dinner, I am providing dinner, not just part of it, unless specifically agreed. So yes. Bringing food without previous agreement is not ok. (And the other thread was just wowowowow).

Actually agree with Ponoka7 dh should have warned you in advance. Op is your dh Prince Harry...

When we have family round for a BBQ then they all bring food. It's an excuse to all get together and socialise that we have organised and they are grateful. Doing a BBQ isnt the cheapest food wise for a group of people so everyone contributes and it's all very much appreciated.

They even bring some beer/wine as well. To me it's a polite thing to do. I never turn up to friends or family BBQ empty handed.

So OP I must be rude too

@Ducksurprise

Actually agree with Ponoka7 dh should have warned you in advance. Op is your dh Prince Harry...

Threw me under a bus potentially 😂

I don't think you done anything wrong and i would be grateful for bringing something. When people ask me if they need to bring anything, i always say no. We host BBQ's a lot during the year so definitely don't mind people bringing stuff. I wouldn't think its rude or take any offence, i think it was nice and thoughtful of you to do that.

Just want to point out it's not about being formal or not.
If you bring food it may bring it to too much food so lots of waste or eating it for days, it may not match the planned food, it can be a double of what host made etc.

So OP I must be rude too

It's not the taking food, it's the not asking the host first.

OP, I think you should focus on the fact that your MIL served the pie to her friends the next day. She obviously appreciated it, even if she didn't need it at the BBQ.

Who knows - maybe she even said she’d made it herself! I would have done

It wasn't a BBQ at all then? It was a cold buffet and you brought a pie that needed to be cooked? You trampled all over her catering.

@Warmduscher

OP, I think you should focus on the fact that your MIL served the pie to her friends the next day. She obviously appreciated it, even if she didn't need it at the BBQ.

Who knows - maybe she even said she’d made it herself! I would have done

Or she just didn't want to bin it because of waste so had to serve it. For all we know she may have planned different food, but this needed to be eaten first.

I always ask. If they say nothing, I’d bring flowers and a bottle of wine, or I’d pay attention to what they asked for (so a potato salad etc) I’d bring that PLUS flowers and wine.

Last time we had a bbq my family bought their own food when we'd already gone out and bought loads to do everyone, DH was really annoyed, I didn't really see the issue with it since anything that didn't get used could just be frozen anyway

I'll be honest and say I can't stand it if someone brings an unasked for dish to a party/dinner etc that I've catered for. Sure, they do it, then pop a polystyrene plate of something that has nothing to do with the meal on the table. My lovely table design is spoiled too.
I may sound precious but I don't want pork pies cut into wedges on a table next to an elegant meal.
If you have to bring something make it chocolates we can all share from the box. Or wine.
Don't bring me flowers either as I don't want to get a vase and arrange them when I'm trying to greet guests and look after them.
You'd never know I felt like this as my game face is on. But I loath it.

* Are you serious? If she didn’t ask you to bring anything, then yes that was pretty rude, like you are suggesting her cold offering is not good enough but you are there to save the day.*

^I agree with this.

I would LOVE it if you brought a pie.
It’s always time consuming hosting so if you’d gone to the trouble of making a pie I would be very grateful. Popping something in the oven is no big deal.

I think the replies here show that whatever the hell you do somebody is going to be offended!

Please ask the host.

I've planned meals for family in the past and always do plenty of food. My friend (who is a feeder) brings along lots of things too despite me telling her not to.

To be honest it's annoying as there is so much food that lots gets wasted. It was a waste of my time and money.

Ask the host what you can take!

I agree with others and be guided by the person hosting - just ask! With friends, big BBQ - host might ask people to chip in - can you bring crisps, sausages etc. To avoid it costing an absolute fortune and doubling up everything. BBQs are a bit different because apart from the sides its really just meat to be cooked and people can bring that.

When people have specifically said they are catering and don't want anything - wine, flowers or chocolates for after dinner.

I think the problem here is that what you bought is a main dish so upstaging the catering. I wouldn't have been offended and I would have served it but not everyone is laid back about cooking. It's not a particularly helpful thing to do if you weren't asked.

At the moment my parents are coming round a lot to have lunch in the garden as I've had a baby and could use the company. When they say "do you want anything for lunch" and I say no, they know I'm going to feed them and bring me some inexpensive flowers, stop off at the bakery and buy a bit of cake etc. So the gesture is there but nothing is wasteful.

Overall just try to be thoughtful when you turn up at someone else's house - but if she was massively offended that's really on her.

@TwoMuchTwoYoung

I would LOVE it if you brought a pie. It’s always time consuming hosting so if you’d gone to the trouble of making a pie I would be very grateful. Popping something in the oven is no big deal.

Thank you

Don't bring me flowers either as I don't want to get a vase and arrange them when I'm trying to greet guests and look after them.

I agree. Chocolates, candles, macarons, anything in a box that can be stuck in a cupboard or on the side while the host is busy hosting.

Flowers can be a bit risky generally. Not everyone likes them and a house full of flowers after a big event feels like there’s been a death. Not ideal for cat owners in some cases or hay fever sufferers, especially outside of peak season when they might not have anti histamines to hand.

Christ she's my 82 year old mother in law, I was only trying to help her.

Christ! Have you not realised yet? You were incredibly patronising towards her, by assuming she needed help. And giving the message that you weren't happy with the cold food.
You were indeed insulting.
If she is your MIL she will be more relaxed and less formal, yes, so nothing means NOTHING, it won't be a formal answer.

If you do want to help tell her you WILL take something and ask her to tell you what. Or suggest something and ask if it's OK. People who say nothing at first will say yes if the suggestion is welcome.

Or just take something nice she will like during the week, just for her, as a thank you for the meal.

Well in my group of friends and family turning up empty handed is considered rude. Anyway my friends are very forthcoming with what you should be bringing so they would say “bring x y z” they would think you were very rude if you didn’t bring anything

In real life, people are more relaxed and you’re not siocially ostracised because you DIDNT being the right thing or DID bring the wrong thing.
To be honest, at a reasonably busy BBQ who has time to notice much and who dwells on it after the event? Clearly some on here.

When we’ve hosted, some people ask if they can bring anything. I usually say no need, or if it’s a big event might suggest some drink or something simple like a salad. Sometimes those people then bring that item but often they don’t or bring something else. Others don’t ask if they can bring anything but do..could be food or drink of any description. Others come empty handed. All are fine.

When catering, unless I’ve had an explicit conversation with someone that they will definitely bring X, I plan to provide all the food...otherwise, you can find yourself without a crucial item. Anything else anyone brings is an extra bonus item.

If I’m going to a BBQ or similar, I’d ask if Incould bring anything and unless we had an explicit conversation I’d take any reply as a suggestion and might then take that item or not. I would pretty much always take some drinks and a food item, even if it was not some big bags of crisps or snacks.

BBQs can vary a lot. For larger BBQs people hosting often ask people to bring their own meat. Someone in another thread was offended by this. I’ve been to BBQs for 30-50 people and that’s worked really well...massive BBQ and everyone’s meat is at the side and people eat some of their own and share too. You take an amount for your family and some extras. The host normally provides some salads and bread and puddings. As BBQs by nature are informal, it seems fine.

I’m happy to be invited and asked to bring meat or to bring a salad or a dessert or not asked to bring anything. Why get bothered by such things. Just go and enjoy the company and realise there are many different ways to host these things.