Is bringing food to a bbq rude?

[mamal29]

Just reading another thread and I wondered if bringing something to a bbq - as a gift - is rude?

I always bring a salad and have brought a pie on a couple of occasions (light filo pie) to pop in the oven when it's been a big garden party (only when it's family would I bring a hot dish) to help out.

Reading another thread I get the impression this is really rude?

@mamal29

What was the pie? Sounds nice! Was it a pudding? I live filo ♥️

I don’t think so, in Australia it would be rude not to bring something. I always offer to take something if the host says no then I bring lots of booze.

There are six of us including one veggie - if we’re invited to a bbq I always say ‘that sounds great, what can I bring?’ Its usually veggie burgers/sausages plus puddings or dips and crisps or something for 12/14/however many - but in a way that takes something off the host’s list of things to organise. And wine/beer. An extra six adults is a lot!

You asked and she said nothing meaning ‘I’ve sorted all the main food’ so then yes it was rude to turn up with a main component of the meal when she’d told you not to! It’s like you were saying you didn’t trust her to actually cater properly.

In that situation you take wine, flowers etc as a hosting gift, not part of the meal.

It’s not rude to turn up with something, it just needs to be the right thing. Eg we have one set of friends & usually whoever hosts does the main meal then the guests bring pudding - but it’s all sorted out beforehand so the host knows they don’t need to organise that aspect.

I’d think it was a bit weird if someone turned up with a salad or pie without letting me know in advance they were going to do that because I would have already sorted salads etc & otherwise it might just go to waste.

So ultimately no of course not rude to bring something (ruder to turn up empty handed) but it needs to be the right thing! And the right thing will be different in different situations & for different people.

It all depends on the arrangements. You need to talk to the host. Sometimes they have everything in and they don’t want you to bring stuff. Other times it’s bring and share. There is no one answer to this. Just communicate. I would say it’s rude not to offer.

@Floobydo

You asked and she said nothing meaning ‘I’ve sorted all the main food’ so then yes it was rude to turn up with a main component of the meal when she’d told you not to! It’s like you were saying you didn’t trust her to actually cater properly.

In that situation you take wine, flowers etc as a hosting gift, not part of the meal.

It’s not rude to turn up with something, it just needs to be the right thing. Eg we have one set of friends & usually whoever hosts does the main meal then the guests bring pudding - but it’s all sorted out beforehand so the host knows they don’t need to organise that aspect.

I’d think it was a bit weird if someone turned up with a salad or pie without letting me know in advance they were going to do that because I would have already sorted salads etc & otherwise it might just go to waste.

So ultimately no of course not rude to bring something (ruder to turn up empty handed) but it needs to be the right thing! And the right thing will be different in different situations & for different people.

Yes, I think I got it wrong with the pie

I think because she's my MIL, I assumed it was just helping. I wouldn't have done it with a friend.

I now have 3 kids so don't have time to cook pies over 2 hours 😂

You asked and she said not to bring anything but you did anyway. I'm guessing she was annoyed because she thought you were implying she would under-cater.

And it's not really rude of her to leave it until the next day. She had planned an menu and didn't need your extra salad and pie.

If she said not to being anything then that's what she was expecting. That's the bit that's rude; not bringing food in itself.

Next time, say 'would you like me to bring a pasta salad/make some brownies/make a pie'? Be specific. And then you will both be clear about what's happening.

Whenever we have a BBQ with friends, we all pitch in and bring food and drink! I would think it the height of rudeness to just pitch up and eat/drink what they’d bought without at least offering.

Christ, it's not about your thread. It's about the comments that it's rude to bring something full stop. It just made me think... blush

You mentioned a thread and referenced the thread I'd started. Then you get shirty because I've replied.

No need to start your thread with "Christ" at all.

@LadyWhistledownsQuill

Christ, it's not about your thread. It's about the comments that it's rude to bring something full stop. It just made me think... blush

You mentioned a thread and referenced the thread I'd started. Then you get shirty because I've replied.

No need to start your thread with "Christ" at all.

No I already explained it wasn't about yours!

I don't think it's rude. I always take stuff to BBQs as I'm veggie and want to eat!

We had a couple of "friends" who would arrive to BBQs and not ready saying they'd either just eaten or had dinner in the oven at home so declined the food we'd prepared. I find that unbelievably rude and for that reason amongst others they're no longer friends!

Sorry should say not eat

@Turkishangora

I don't think it's rude. I always take stuff to BBQs as I'm veggie and want to eat!

We had a couple of "friends" who would arrive to BBQs and not ready saying they'd either just eaten or had dinner in the oven at home so declined the food we'd prepared. I find that unbelievably rude and for that reason amongst others they're no longer friends!

That is very odd?!

Think brining food to a BBQ is quite often accepted as the norm. I feel
Awkward if I haven’t taken something.

"They had no hot food and all cold salads."

So it wasn't a BBQ? The hot food is what's cooked on the BBQ.

"Everyone always says 'nothing'! Isn't that just polite manner when they mean something?!"

No, some people, who aren't caught up in the faux politeness bs, mean what they say.

A pie was an odd thing to take. Stick with sides, drinks and as snacks.

Even though she's in her 80's, is she still capable of doing things? Have you been treated as though pregnancy has made you useless? That's what getting older is like. She wants to host, let her.

@mamal29 I wouldn’t worry about it, just communicate more clearly next time. We all make mistakes & MILs can be especially tricky!

I was offended when mine decided a cook a full Christmas dinner on Boxing Day for all the same guests we’d hosted the day before! But I expect she just thought she was doing a nice thing.

I don't think you did anything wrong unless you were inferring her food was crap, not enough etc & it sounds like she was unnecessarily rude. What did your DH say? Mine would've been raging if MIL treated me like that.
He would also have been relieved not to have to share though, he loves a good pie so you'd be welcome here any time!
Unless you're a really, really awful cook...

So you asked your MiL what to bring, she said nothing and you brought something that needed cooking anyway? Chocolates/drinks are all you need to bring if someone has specifically told you not to bring anything!

@Ponoka7

"They had no hot food and all cold salads."

So it wasn't a BBQ? The hot food is what's cooked on the BBQ.

"Everyone always says 'nothing'! Isn't that just polite manner when they mean something?!"

No, some people, who aren't caught up in the faux politeness bs, mean what they say.

A pie was an odd thing to take. Stick with sides, drinks and as snacks.

Even though she's in her 80's, is she still capable of doing things? Have you been treated as though pregnancy has made you useless? That's what getting older is like. She wants to host, let her.

Yes. Tbf, she's a very young 80!

I was just trying to help my MIL. The same I would if she was 60. I just assumed family was more chilled and less formal

@CoolCatTaco

I don't think you did anything wrong unless you were inferring her food was crap, not enough etc & it sounds like she was unnecessarily rude. What did your DH say? Mine would've been raging if MIL treated me like that. He would also have been relieved not to have to share though, he loves a good pie so you'd be welcome here any time! Unless you're a really, really awful cook...

No way, her food is great! Lots I couldn't eat as I was pregnant but usually I love it

No meat though, so I thought I was helping

My DH was really upset. She's very set in her ways, which is fine. I love her but she likes things her way

"Whenever we have a BBQ with friends, we all pitch in and bring food and drink"

We all have our own norms and should be guided by what the host wants. I go to BBQ were we bring stuff and others were we don't. The OP has now been told what the norm is. If they live two hours away and don't see her often, then flowers or a plant might be better received. But surely the host's son, the OP's husband would know what is expected?

If you asked and she told you nothing then you turned up with a main dish that’s doubly rude. I’m not surprised she was out out.

*put

@Ponoka7

"Whenever we have a BBQ with friends, we all pitch in and bring food and drink"

We all have our own norms and should be guided by what the host wants. I go to BBQ were we bring stuff and others were we don't. The OP has now been told what the norm is. If they live two hours away and don't see her often, then flowers or a plant might be better received. But surely the host's son, the OP's husband would know what is expected?

We actually see her every week! 😳

@Ponoka7

"Whenever we have a BBQ with friends, we all pitch in and bring food and drink"

We all have our own norms and should be guided by what the host wants. I go to BBQ were we bring stuff and others were we don't. The OP has now been told what the norm is. If they live two hours away and don't see her often, then flowers or a plant might be better received. But surely the host's son, the OP's husband would know what is expected?

I agree, I wish DH had said don't do that!