Is bringing food to a bbq rude?

[mamal29]

Just reading another thread and I wondered if bringing something to a bbq - as a gift - is rude?

I always bring a salad and have brought a pie on a couple of occasions (light filo pie) to pop in the oven when it's been a big garden party (only when it's family would I bring a hot dish) to help out.

Reading another thread I get the impression this is really rude?

I just take a couple of bottles of wine.
Id be especially pissed off if someone brought crisps and tomato ketchup!

I wasn't told not to!

Story’s starting to unravel a bit there.

I think it’s a bit passive-competitive, if I’m honest. and also messes up the overall balance of the meal. When I entertain I put quite a lot of thought into making sure it’s all harmonious- even down to the styling of the table. I’d be seething if that was spoiled by a giant plastic tub, for eg.
But I am a bit of a wanker about these things.

Eh?
Sounds lovely. Only on MN. In RL it's rude to turn up empty handed.

@Oblomov21

Eh? Sounds lovely. Only on MN. In RL it's rude to turn up empty handed.

There is empty handed and there is bringing food after being told not to

Oblomov I don’t think anyone is saying turn up totally empty handed, just don’t bring food when you’re told not. Go for a token hostess gift instead.

Does it matter? You're being generous and caring. If they take it in a way it isn't meant then it's their problem.

Smile hand over the food and move on.

I don't think a barbecue is any different from any other type of meal invitation?

Either you contact the host in advance and ask if you can bring anything (if it's a more informal type of gathering).

Or if it's a bit more formal you turn up with wine/flowers/chocolates.

We cook food on the barbecue a lot & I would not be happy if someone showed up with a random pack of sausage for salad that didn't fit in with the food I'd already planned.

sausages or salad

@Confusedandshaken omg! I can’t believe she brings her own food to dinner parties or catered events. She sounds strange.

OP I think the problem with taking the pie was that you inadvertently suggested what MIL was providing wasn’t enough and she then had to decide whether to try to incorporate your pie into what she was already serving. The hot part of the meal is usually the main part so if your pie wasn’t big enough to feed everyone it would have made the meal unbalanced.

Tbf to you, as host, MIL should have politely accepted the pie and made it work even if she was cross.

And to the PP who brings their own ketchup, I would think that was the height of rudeness! As it implies that what I have laid on isn't good enough for you ...

I wasn't told not to!

Not specifically. But you didn't ask specifically.
You were only told nothing, according to you.
It's staggering that you're still defending yourself on this one.

To be fair, we all make mistakes. We learn and move on.
Good on your MIL for being assertive in that occasion. I'm sure she hasn't held it against you.
I think the best course of action is to tell her that you feel bad about not contributing and that you'd like to. And could she please, in future, suggest something you can take.

@LitCrit

I think it’s a bit passive-competitive, if I’m honest. and also messes up the overall balance of the meal. When I entertain I put quite a lot of thought into making sure it’s all harmonious- even down to the styling of the table. I’d be seething if that was spoiled by a giant plastic tub, for eg. But I am a bit of a wanker about these things.

Exactly. I also make more so people can have a little doggie bag and we have lunch next day. If everyone brings extra, it will just be waaaay too much food. And not matching most likely. Like if I do arabic style bbq with sides etc, I don't really want a tuna pasta salad there🙈 No matter how lovely it is. Or if I do Central European roast with sauerkraut and dumplings, greek salad will just be 😳. Then you have to consider what needs eating first and so on and it just creates unnecessarily headache.

Bring chocolates or something what can be put into a cupboard like nice jam or local honey if you must bring food.

You can come round mine anytime OP. just don't bring strongbow unless you're prepared to drink it yourself 🤣

Oh my WORD! You asked if you could bring something. She told you no. You brought something anyway. And it was a MAIN COURSE! 😬 how much ruder could you possibly be?! I don’t understand how someone can not see that that is incredibly rude. It’s one thing if you haven’t asked and just assume it’ll be ok but she specifically said no thanks and you did it anyway! So rude.

Sorry OP I think it was rude too

oh my god with our family bbqs people come with bags and bags of burgers and sausages and we tend to run out of buns before meat .
and beer. lots of beer.
A neighbour (the only non related attendee) came and brought a potato salad once and I remember thinking "who would bring salad to a bbq" - the only veg we eat on bbq days is usually corn on the cob or maybe new potatoes (thanks nan ❤) but I actually loved it and make it all the time now!
it certainly was weird the first time I saw salad at a bbq. We must be a family of homer simpsons
you don't make friends with salad

@Tulipomania

And to the PP who brings their own ketchup, I would think that was the height of rudeness! As it implies that what I have laid on isn't good enough for you ...

:O I thought that was a great idea. if you bring ketchup to my bbq I would kiss you! we always seem to run out

I always ask what I can bring. Occasionally I do bring my own as I need GF food, but always ask the person giving the barbecue first. No one seems to mind that.

Tulip I bring my own tomato sauce because I know if I have Heinz I don't fart for England. If I have some own brand (Sainsbury's especially) then you wouldn't want to be anywhere near me
My family know this and think it's hilarious. If they have Heinz then I will use theirs and take mine home again.

rose what's wrong with crisps? You can never have too many crisps at a BBQ and having a big variety of flavours and types can make it fun.

I think it's rude to attend an event empty handed so would always bring a gift anyway then check with the host if a bbq and bring some offering of food like a salad or desert

books I like salad with a BBQ because I like to put it in the burger.
Oh I have just remembered I usually end up dashing to the nearest corner shop to get cheese slices because they get forgotten.
BBQ's are meant to be fun and informal.

How can it have been a bbq if there was no hot food?

As a hostess I'm delighted if someone asks me what to bring and generally I'll say an extra dessert or salad so if they go off piste it doesn't matter. Less impressed- in fact to be honest I find it very annoying- if someone brings unprepared food that they then expect me to do, or if they need kitchen space and haven't told me.

So when I'm knee deep in preparing a BBQ bringing me a catering sized box of unwashed and hulled strawberries is not helpful.

A fish pie seems like a weird thing to bring to a BBQ. For one she may have wanted to use paper plates and no cutlery and be out of the kitchen. If I was bringing something unasked to a BBQ it would be in theme so a salad, or fruit salad or something like that.

It's also quite rude I think @Turkishangora to specify that food that people bring should be homemade. Not everyone has the knack or desire to cook all the time. If I'm asked to bring dessert, I'll generally buy something that can be defrosted from Cook as they are delicious and better than anything I could make - and believe me I have tried .